WINMX Assorted Textfiles/Ebooks.tar/Text - Compilations - The Library - Volume 04 - T to Z - 138 ebooks (PDF HTM(L) RTF TXT DOC).zip/Twain, Mark - A Connecticut Yankee In King Arthur's Court.txt

Text File | 2000-11-02 | 713KB | 13,441 lines

    Twain, Mark, 1835-1910. A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court
           Electronic Text Center, University of Virginia Library

                    | Table of Contents for this work |
             | All on-line databases | Etext Center Homepage |
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
About the electronic version

A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court
Twain, Mark, 1835-1910

Creation of machine-readable version: Originally downloaded from the
Internet Wiretap anonymous ftp server. Text tagged in TEI compatible format
by Jeffrey Triggs for the Oxford Text Archive

Creation of digital images: Jamie Spriggs

Conversion to TEI.2-conformant markup: Text tagged in TEI compatible format
by Jeffrey Triggs for the Oxford Text Archive ca. 750 kilobytes

This version available from the University of Virginia Library.
Charlottesville, Va.

   Available from: Oxford Text Archive, Oxford University Computing
Services, 13 Banbury Road, Oxford OX2 6NN; [e-mail]; ota id="1884"

http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/modeng/modeng0.browse.html

   Public Domain TEI edition prepared at the Oxford Text Archive. Freely
available for non-commercial use provided that this header is included in
its entirety with any copy distributed

1994
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
About the print version

A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court
The Writings of Mark Twain, Volume XVI
Mark Twain
Harper & Brothers Publishers
New York
1889

   The Writings of Mark Twain

Note: Electronic text checked against Mary Baldwin College call number
PS1308/1889

   Prepared for the University of Virginia Library Electronic Text Center.

   Spell-check and verification made against printed text using WordPerfect
spell checker.

Published: 1889

English fiction; prose Young Readers LCSH greyscale; 200 dpi
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Revisions to the electronic version
June 1993 corrector Jeffrey Triggs, OTA
*Text tagged in TEI compatible format

July 1994 corrector Jamie L Spriggs, Electronic Text Center, University of
Virginia
*Converted markup to local application of TEI-conformant SGML; checked
text against printed version; added tags for footnotes, titles, italics;
paginated; scanned illustrations, all other major changes

July 1996 corrector Catherine Tousignant, Electronic Text Center,
University of Virginia
*Updated header

[e-mail]. Commercial use prohibited; all usage governed by our
Conditions of Use: http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/conditions.html
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

                                  [Image]

                          I saw he meant business

                A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court

                                    by
                   Mark Twain; pseud. Samuel L. Clemens
  Copyright, 1889 and 1899, by SAMUEL L. CLEMENS From The Writings of Mark
          Twain Volume XVI Harper & Brothers Publishers, New York
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page ix

                                  PREFACE

   THE ungentle laws and customs touched upon in this tale are historical,
and the episodes which are used to illustrate them are also historical. It
is not pretended that these laws and customs existed in England in the
sixth century; no, it is only pretended that inasmuch as they existed in
the English and other civilizations of far later times, it is safe to
consider that it is no libel upon the sixth century to suppose them to have
been in practice in that day also. One is quite justified in inferring that
whatever one of these laws or customs was lacking in that remote time, its
place was competently filled by a worse one.

   The question as to whether there is such a thing as divine right of
kings is not settled in this book. It was found too difficult. That the
executive head of a nation should be a person of lofty character and
extraordinary ability, was manifest and indisputable; that none but the
Deity could select that head unerringly, was also manifest and
indisputable; that the Deity ought to make that selection, then, was
likewise
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page x

manifest and indisputable; consequently, that He does make it, as claimed,
was an unavoidable deduction. I mean, until the author of this book
encountered the Pompadour, and Lady Castlemaine, and some other executive
heads of that kind; these were found so difficult to work into the scheme,
that it was judged better to take the other tack in this book (which must
be issued this fall), and then go into training and settle the question in
another book. It is, of course, a thing which ought to be settled, and I am
not going to have anything particular to do next winter anyway.

Mark Twain.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

     A CONNECTICUT YANKEE IN KING ARTHUR'S COURT. A WORD OF EXPLANATION

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 1

   IT was in Warwick Castle that I came across the curious stranger whom I
am going to talk about. He attracted me by three things: his candid
simplicity, his marvelous familiarity with ancient armor, and the
restfulness of his company -- mdash; for he did all the talking. We fell
together, as modest people will, in the tail of the herd that was being
shown through, and he at once began to say things which interested me. As
he talked along, softly, pleasantly, flowingly, he seemed to drift away
imperceptibly out of this world and time, and into some remote era and old
forgotten country; and so he gradually wove such a spell about me that I
seemed to move among the specters and shadows and dust and mold of a gray
antiquity, holding speech with a relic of it! Exactly as I would speak of
my nearest personal friends or enemies, or my most familiar neighbors, he
spoke of Sir Bedivere, Sir Bors de Ganis, Sir Launcelot of the Lake, Sir
Galahad, and all the other great names of the Table Round -- mdash; and how
old, old, unspeakably old and faded
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 2

and dry and musty and ancient he came to look as he went on! Presently he
turned to me and said, just as one might speak of the weather, or any other
common matter -- mdash;

   "You know about transmigration of souls; do you know about transposition
of epochs -- mdash; and bodies?"

   I said I had not heard of it. He was so little interested -- mdash; just
as when people speak of the weather -- mdash; that he did not notice
whether I made him any answer or not. There was half a moment of silence,
immediately interrupted by the droning voice of the salaried cicerone:

   "Ancient hauberk, date of the sixth century, time of King Arthur and the
Round Table; said to have belonged to the knight Sir Sagramor le Desirous;
observe the round hole through the chain-mail in the left breast; can't be
accounted for; supposed to have been done with a bullet since invention of
firearms -- mdash; perhaps maliciously by Cromwell's soldiers."

   My acquaintance smiled -- mdash; not a modern smile, but one that must
have gone out of general use many, many centuries ago -- mdash; and
muttered apparently to himself:

   "Wit ye well, I saw it done." Then, after a pause, added: "I did it
myself."

   By the time I had recovered from the electric surprise of this remark,
he was gone.

   All that evening I sat by my fire at the Warwick Arms, steeped in a
dream of the olden time, while the rain beat upon the windows, and the wind
roared about the eaves and corners. From time to time I dipped into old Sir
Thomas Malory's enchanting book, and fed at its rich feast of prodigies and
adventures,
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 3

breathed in the fragrance of its obsolete names, and dreamed again.
Midnight being come at length, I read another tale, for a nightcap --
mdash; this which here follows, to wit:
HOW SIR LAUNCELOT SLEW TWO GIANTS, AND MADE A CASTLE FREE

   Anon withal came there upon him two great giants, well armed, all save
the heads, with two horrible clubs in their hands. Sir Launcelot put his
shield afore him, and put the stroke away of the one giant, and with his
sword he clave his head asunder. When his fellow saw that, he ran away as
he were wood demented, for fear of the horrible strokes, and Sir Launcelot
after him with all his might, and smote him on the shoulder, and clave him
to the middle. Then Sir Launcelot went into the hall, and there came afore
him three score ladies and damsels, and all kneeled unto him, and thanked
God and him of their deliverance. For, sir, said they, the most part of us
have been here this seven year their prisoners, and we have worked all
manner of silk works for our meat, and we are all great gentle-women born,
and blessed be the time, knight, that ever thou wert born; for thou hast
done the most worship that ever did knight in the world, that will we bear
record, and we all pray you to tell us your name, that we may tell our
friends who delivered us out of prison. Fair damsels, he said, my name is
Sir Launcelot du Lake. And so he departed from them and betaught them unto
God. And then he mounted upon his horse, and rode into many strange and
wild countries, and through many waters and valleys, and evil was he
lodged. And at the last by fortune him happened against a night to come to
a fair courtilage, and therein he found an old gentle-woman that lodged him
with a good-will, and there he had good cheer for him and his horse. And
when time was, his host brought him into a fair garret over the gate to his
bed. There Sir Launcelot unarmed him, and set his harness by him, and went
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 4

to bed, and anon he fell on sleep. So, soon after there came one on
horseback, and knocked at the gate in great haste. And when Sir Launcelot
heard this he rose up, and looked out at the window, and saw by the
moonlight three knights come riding after that one man, and all three
lashed on him at once with swords, and that one knight turned on them
knightly again and defended him. Truly, said Sir Launcelot, yonder one
knight shall I help, for it were shame for me to see three knights on one,
and if he be slain I am partner of his death. And therewith he took his
harness and went out at a window by a sheet down to the four knights, and
then Sir Launcelot said on high, Turn you knights unto me, and leave your
fighting with that knight. And then they all three left Sir Kay, and turned
unto Sir Launcelot, and there began great battle, for they alight all
three, and strake many strokes at Sir Launcelot, and assailed him on every
side. Then Sir Kay dressed him for to have holpen Sir Launcelot. Nay, sir,
said he, I will none of your help, therefore as ye will have my help let me
alone with them. Sir Kay for the pleasure of the knight suffered him for to
do his will, and so stood aside. And then anon within six strokes Sir
Launcelot had stricken them to the earth.

   And then they all three cried, Sir Knight, we yield us unto you as man
of might matchless. As to that, said Sir Launcelot, I will not take your
yielding unto me, but so that ye yield you unto Sir Kay the seneschal, on
that covenant I will save your lives and else not. Fair knight, said they,
that were we loath to do; for as for Sir Kay we chased him hither, and had
overcome him had ye not been; therefore, to yield us unto him it were no
reason. Well, as to that, said Sir Launcelot, advise you well, for ye may
choose whether ye will die or live, for an ye be yielden, it shall be unto
Sir Kay. Fair knight, then they said, in saving our lives we will do as
thou commandest us. Then shall ye, said Sir Launcelot, on Whitsunday next
coming go unto the court of King Arthur, and there shall ye yield you unto
Queen Guenever, and put you all three in her grace and mercy, and say that
Sir Kay sent you thither to be her prisoners. On the morn Sir Launcelot
arose early, and left Sir Kay sleeping; and Sir Launcelot took Sir Kay's
armor
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 5

and his shield and armed him, and so he went to the stable and took his
horse, and took his leave of his host, and so he departed. Then soon after
arose Sir Kay and missed Sir Launcelot; and then he espied that he had his
armor and his horse. Now by my faith I know well that he will grieve some
of the court of King Arthur; for on him knights will be bold, and deem that
it is I, and that will beguile them; and because of his armor and shield I
am sure I shall ride in peace. And then soon after departed Sir Kay, and
thanked his host.

   As I laid the book down there was a knock at the door, and my stranger
came in. I gave him a pipe and a chair, and made him welcome. I also
comforted him with a hot Scotch whisky; gave him another one; then still
another -- mdash; hoping always for his story. After a fourth persuader, he
drifted into it himself, in a quite simple and natural way:
THE STRANGER'S HISTORY

   I am an American. I was born and reared in Hartford, in the State of
Connecticut -- mdash; anyway, just over the river, in the country. So I am
a Yankee of the Yankees -- mdash; and practical; yes, and nearly barren of
sentiment, I suppose -- mdash; or poetry, in other words. My father was a
blacksmith, my uncle was a horse doctor, and I was both, along at first.
Then I went over to the great arms factory and learned my real trade;
learned all there was to it; learned to make everything: guns, revolvers,
cannon, boilers, engines, all sorts of labor-saving machinery. Why, I could
make anything a body wanted -- mdash; anything in the world, it didn't make
any difference what; and if there wasn't any quick new-fangled way to make
a thing, I could
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 6

invent one -- mdash; and do it as easy as rolling off a log. I became head
superintendent; had a couple of thousand men under me.

   Well, a man like that is a man that is full of fight -- mdash; that goes
without saying. With a couple of thousand rough men under one, one has
plenty of that sort of amusement. I had, anyway. At last I met my match,
and I got my dose. It was during a misunderstanding conducted with crowbars
with a fellow we used to call Hercules. He laid me out with a crusher
alongside the head that made everything crack, and seemed to spring every
joint in my skull and made it overlap its neighbor. Then the world went out
in darkness, and I didn't feel anything more, and didn't know anything at
all -- mdash; at least for a while.

   When I came to again, I was sitting under an oak tree, on the grass,
with a whole beautiful and broad country landscape all to myself -- mdash;
nearly. Not entirely; for there was a fellow on a horse, looking down at me
-- mdash; a fellow fresh out of a picture-book. He was in old-time iron
armor from head to heel, with a helmet on his head the shape of a nail-keg
with slits in it; and he had a shield, and a sword, and a prodigious spear;
and his horse had armor on, too, and a steel horn projecting from his
forehead, and gorgeous red and green silk trappings that hung down all
around him like a bedquilt, nearly to the ground.

   "Fair sir, will ye just?" said this fellow.

   "Will I which?"

   "Will ye try a passage of arms for land or lady or for -- mdash; "

   "What are you giving me?" I said. "Get along back to your circus, or
I'll report you."

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 7

   Now what does this man do but fall back a couple of hundred yards and
then come rushing at me as hard as he could tear, with his nail-keg bent
down nearly to his horse's neck and his long spear pointed straight ahead.
I saw he meant business, so I was up the tree when he arrived.

   He allowed that I was his property, the captive of his spear. There was
argument on his side -- mdash; and the bulk of the advantage -- mdash; so I
judged it best to humor him. We fixed up an agreement whereby I was to go
with him and he was not to hurt me. I came down, and we started away, I
walking by the side of his horse. We marched comfortably along, through
glades and over brooks which I could not remember to have seen before --
mdash; which puzzled me and made me wonder -- mdash; and yet we did not
come to any circus or sign of a circus. So I gave up the idea of a circus,
and concluded he was from an asylum. But we never came to an asylum --
mdash; so I was up a stump, as you may say. I asked him how far we were
from Hartford. He said he had never heard of the place; which I took to be
a lie, but allowed it to go at that. At the end of an hour we saw a
far-away town sleeping in a valley by a winding river; and beyond it on a
hill, a vast gray fortress, with towers and turrets, the first I had ever
seen out of a picture.

   "Bridgeport?" said I, pointing.

   "Camelot," said he.

   My stranger had been showing signs of sleepiness. He caught himself
nodding, now, and smiled one of those pathetic, obsolete smiles of his, and
said:

   "I find I can't go on; but come with me, I've
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 8

got it all written out, and you can read it if you like."

   In his chamber, he said: "First, I kept a journal; then by and by, after
years, I took the journal and turned it into a book. How long ago that
was!"

   He handed me his manuscript, and pointed out the place where I should
begin:

   "Begin here -- mdash; I've already told you what goes before." He was
steeped in drowsiness by this time. As I went out at his door I heard him
murmur sleepily: "Give you good den, fair sir."

   I sat down by my fire and examined my treasure. The first part of it --
mdash; the great bulk of it -- mdash; was parchment, and yellow with age. I
scanned a leaf particularly and saw that it was a palimpsest. Under the old
dim writing of the Yankee historian appeared traces of a penmanship which
was older and dimmer still -- mdash; Latin words and sentences: fragments
from old monkish legends, evidently. I turned to the place indicated by my
stranger and began to read -- mdash; as follows:

                                 Chapter 1

                     THE TALE OF THE LOST LAND: CAMELOT

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 9

   "CAMELOT -- mdash; Camelot," said I to myself. "I don't seem to remember
hearing of it before. Name of the asylum, likely."

   It was a soft, reposeful summer landscape, as lovely as a dream, and as
lonesome as Sunday. The air was full of the smell of flowers, and the
buzzing of insects, and the twittering of birds, and there were no people,
no wagons, there was no stir of life, nothing going on. The road was mainly
a winding path with hoof-prints in it, and now and then a faint trace of
wheels on either side in the grass -- mdash; wheels that apparently had a
tire as broad as one's hand.

   Presently a fair slip of a girl, about ten years old, with a cataract of
golden hair streaming down over her shoulders, came along. Around her head
she wore a hoop of flame-red poppies. It was as sweet an outfit as ever I
saw, what there was of it. She walked indolently along, with a mind at
rest, its peace reflected in her innocent face. The circus man paid no
attention to her; didn't even seem to see her. And she -- mdash; she was no
more startled at his fantastic make-up than if she was used to his like
every day of her life. She was going by as indifferently as she might have
gone
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 10

by a couple of cows; but when she happened to notice me, then there was a
change! Up went her hands, and she was turned to stone; her mouth dropped
open, her eyes stared wide and timorously, she was the picture of
astonished curiosity touched with fear. And there she stood gazing, in a
sort of stupefied fascination, till we turned a corner of the wood and were
lost to her view. That she should be startled at me instead of at the other
man, was too many for me; I couldn't make head or tail of it . And that she
should seem to consider me a spectacle, and totally overlook her own merits
in that respect, was another puzzling thing, and a display of magnanimity,
too, that was surprising in one so young. There was food for thought here.
I moved along as one in a dream.

   As we approached the town, signs of life began to appear. At intervals
we passed a wretched cabin, with a thatched roof, and about it small fields
and garden patches in an indifferent state of cultivation. There were
people, too; brawny men, with long, coarse, uncombed hair that hung down
over their faces and made them look like animals. They and the women, as a
rule, wore a coarse tow-linen robe that came well below the knee, and a
rude sort of sandal, and many wore an iron collar. The small boys and girls
were always naked; but nobody seemed to know it. All of these people stared
at me, talked about me, ran into the huts and fetched out their families to
gape at me; but nobody ever noticed that other fellow, except to make him
humble salutation and get no response for their pains.

   In the town were some substantial windowless houses of stone scattered
among a wilderness of
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 11

thatched cabins; the streets were mere crooked alleys, and unpaved; troops
of dogs and nude children played in the sun and made life and noise; hogs
roamed and rooted contentedly about, and one of them lay in a reeking
wallow in the middle of the main thoroughfare and suckled her family.
Presently there was a distant blare of military music; it came nearer,
still nearer, and soon a noble cavalcade wound into view, glorious with
plumed helmets and flashing mail and flaunting banners and rich doublets
and horse-cloths and gilded spearheads; and through the muck and swine, and
naked brats, and joyous dogs, and shabby huts, it took its gallant way, and
in its wake we followed. Followed through one winding alley and then
another, -- mdash; and climbing, always climbing -- mdash; till at last we
gained the breezy height where the huge castle stood. There was an exchange
of bugle blasts; then a parley from the walls, where men-at-arms, in
hauberk and morion, marched back and forth with halberd at shoulder under
flapping banners with the rude figure of a dragon displayed upon them; and
then the great gates were flung open, the drawbridge was lowered, and the
head of the cavalcade swept forward under the frowning arches; and we,
following, soon found ourselves in a great paved court, with towers and
turrets stretching up into the blue air on all the four sides; and all
about us the dismount was going on, and much greeting and ceremony, and
running to and fro, and a gay display of moving and intermingling colors,
and an altogether pleasant stir and noise and confusion.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 12

                                 Chapter 2

                            KING ARTHUR'S COURT

   THE moment I got a chance I slipped aside privately and touched an
ancient common looking man on the shoulder and said, in an insinuating,
confidential way:

   "Friend, do me a kindness. Do you belong to the asylum, or are you just
on a visit or something like that?"

   He looked me over stupidly, and said:

   "Marry, fair sir, me seemeth -- mdash; "

   "That will do," I said; "I reckon you are a patient."

   I moved away, cogitating, and at the same time keeping an eye out for
any chance passenger in his right mind that might come along and give me
some light. I judged I had found one, presently; so I drew him aside and
said in his ear:

   "If I could see the head keeper a minute -- mdash; only just a minute --
mdash; "

   "Prithee do not let me."

   "Let you what?"

   "hinder me, then, if the word please thee better. Then he went on to say
he was an under-cook and could not stop to gossip, though he would like it
another time; for it would comfort his very liver to
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 13

know where I got my clothes. As he started away he pointed and said yonder
was one who was idle enough for my purpose, and was seeking me besides, no
doubt. This was an airy slim boy in shrimp-colored tights that made him
look like a forked carrot, the rest of his gear was blue silk and dainty
laces and ruffles; and he had long yellow curls, and wore a plumed pink
satin cap tilted complacently over his ear. By his look, he was
good-natured; by his gait, he was satisfied with himself. He was pretty
enough to frame. He arrived, looked me over with a smiling and impudent
curiosity; said he had come for me, and informed me that he was a page.

   "Go 'long," I said; "you ain't more than a paragraph."

   It was pretty severe, but I was nettled. However, it never phazed him;
he didn't appear to know he was hurt. He began to talk and laugh, in happy,
thoughtless, boyish fashion, as we walked along, and made himself old
friends with me at once; asked me all sorts of questions about myself and
about my clothes, but never waited for an answer -- mdash; always chattered
straight ahead, as if he didn't know he had asked a question and wasn't
expecting any reply, until at last he happened to mention that he was born
in the beginning of the year 513.

   It made the cold chills creep over me! I stopped and said, a little
faintly:

   "Maybe I didn't hear you just right. Say it again -- mdash; and say it
slow. What year was it?"

   "513."

   "513! You don't look it! Come, my boy, I am a stranger and friendless;
be honest and honorable with me. Are you in your right mind?"
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 14

   He said he was.

   "Are these other people in their right minds?"

   He said they were.

   "And this isn't an asylum? I mean, it isn't a place where they cure
crazy people?"

   He said it wasn't.

   "Well, then," I said, "either I am a lunatic, or something just as awful
has happened. Now tell me, honest and true, where am I?"

   "IN KING ARTHUR'S COURT."

   I waited a minute, to let that idea shudder its way home, and then said:

   "And according to your notions, what year is it now?"

   "528 -- mdash; nineteenth of June."

   I felt a mournful sinking at the heart, and muttered: "I shall never see
my friends again -- mdash; never, never again. They will not be born for
more than thirteen hundred years yet."

   I seemed to believe the boy, I didn't know why. somethingg in me seemed
to believe him -- mdash; my consciousness, as you may say; but my reason
didn't. My reason straightway began to clamor; that was natural. I didn't
know how to go about satisfying it, because I knew that the testimony of
men wouldn't serve -- mdash; my reason would say they were lunatics, and
throw out their evidence. But all of a sudden I stumbled on the very thing,
just by luck. I knew that the only total eclipse of the sun in the first
half of the sixth century occurred on the 21st of June, A. D. 528, O.S.,
and began at 3 minutes after 12 noon. I also knew that no total eclipse of
the sun was due in what to me was the present year -- mdash; i.e., 1879.
So, if
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 15

I could keep my anxiety and curiosity from eating the heart out of me for
forty-eight hours, I should then find out for certain whether this boy was
telling me the truth or not.

   Wherefore, being a practical Connecticut man, I now shoved this whole
problem clear out of my mind till its appointed day and hour should come,
in order that I might turn all my attention to the circumstances of the
present moment, and be alert and ready to make the most out of them that
could be made. One thing at a time, is my motto -- mdash; and just play
that thing for all it is worth, even if it's only two pair and a jack. I
made up my mind to two things: if it was still the nineteenth century and I
was among lunatics and couldn't get away, I would presently boss that
asylum or know the reason why; and if, on the other hand, it was really the
sixth century, all right, I didn't want any softer thing: I would boss the
whole country inside of three months; for I judged I would have the start
of the best-educated man in the kingdom by a matter of thirteen hundred
years and upward. I'm not a man to waste time after my mind's made up and
there's work on hand; so I said to the page:

   "Now, Clarence, my boy -- mdash; if that might happen to be your name --
mdash; I'll get you to post me up a little if you don't mind. What is the
name of that apparition that brought me here?"

   "My master and thine? That is the good knight and great lord Sir Kay the
Seneschal, foster brother to our liege the king."

   "Very good; go on, tell me everything."

   He made a long story of it; but the part that had immediate interest for
me was this: He said I was
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 16

Sir Kay's prisoner, and that in the due course of custom I would be flung
into a dungeon and left there on scant commons until my friends ransomed me
-- mdash; unless I chanced to rot, first. I saw that the last chance had
the best show, but I didn't waste any bother about that; time was too
precious. The page said, further, that dinner was about ended in the great
hall by this time, and that as soon as the sociability and the heavy
drinking should begin, Sir Kay would have me in and exhibit me before King
Arthur and his illustrious knights seated at the Table Round, and would
brag about his exploit in capturing me, and would probably exaggerate the
facts a little, but it wouldn't be good form for me to correct him, and not
over safe, either; and when I was done being exhibited, then ho for the
dungeon; but he, Clarence, would find a way to come and see me every now
and then, and cheer me up, and help me get word to my friends.

   Get word to my friends! I thanked him; I couldn't do less; and about
this time a lackey came to say I was wanted; so Clarence led me in and took
me off to one side and sat down by me.

   Well, it was a curious kind of spectacle, and interesting. It was an
immense place, and rather naked -- mdash; yes, and full of loud contrasts.
It was very, very lofty; so lofty that the banners depending from the
arched beams and girders away up there floated in a sort of twilight; there
was a stone-railed gallery at each end, high up, with musicians in the one,
and women, clothed in stunning colors, in the other. The floor was of big
stone flags laid in black and white squares, rather battered by age and
use, and needing
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 17

repair. As to ornament, there wasn't any, strictly speaking; though on the
walls hung some huge tapestries which were probably taxed as works of art;
battle-pieces, they were, with horses shaped like those which children cut
out of paper or create in gingerbread; with men on them in scale armor
whose scales are represented by round holes -- mdash; so that the man's
coat looks as if it had been done with a biscuit-punch. There was a
fireplace big enough to camp in; and its projecting sides and hood, of
carved and pillared stonework, had the look of a cathedral door. Along the
walls stood men-at-arms, in breastplate and morion, with halberds for their
only weapon -- mdash; rigid as statues; and that is what they looked like.

   In the middle of this groined and vaulted public square was an oaken
table which they called the Table Round. It was as large as a circus ring;
and around it sat a great company of men dressed in such various and
splendid colors that it hurt one's eyes to look at them. They wore their
plumed hats, right along, except that whenever one addressed himself
directly to the king, he lifted his hat a trifle just as he was beginning
his remark.

   Mainly they were drinking -- mdash; from entire ox horns; but a few were
still munching bread or gnawing beef bones. There was about an average of
two dogs to one man; and these sat in expectant attitudes till a spent bone
was flung to them, and then they went for it by brigades and divisions,
with a rush, and there ensued a fight which filled the prospect with a
tumultuous chaos of plunging heads and bodies and flashing tails, and the
storm of howlings and barkings deafened all speech for the time; but that
was no
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 18

matter, for the dog-fight was always a bigger interest anyway; the men
rose, sometimes, to observe it the better and bet on it, and the ladies and
the musicians stretched themselves out over their balusters with the same
object; and all broke into delighted ejaculations from time to time. In the
end, the winning dog stretched himself out comfortably with his bone
between his paws, and proceeded to growl over it, and gnaw it, and grease
the floor with it, just as fifty others were already doing; and the rest of
the court resumed their previous industries and entertainments.

   As a rule, the speech and behavior of these people were gracious and
courtly; and I noticed that they were good and serious listeners when
anybody was telling anything -- mdash; I mean in a dog-fightless interval.
And plainly, too, they were a childlike and innocent lot; telling lies of
the stateliest pattern with a most gentle and winning naivety, and ready
and willing to listen to anybody else's lie, and believe it, too. It was
hard to associate them with anything cruel or dreadful; and yet they dealt
in tales of blood and suffering with a guileless relish that made me almost
forget to shudder.

   I was not the only prisoner present. There were twenty or more. Poor
devils, many of them were maimed, hacked, carved, in a frightful way; and
their hair, their faces, their clothing, were caked with black and
stiffened drenchings of blood. They were suffering sharp physical pain, of
course; and weariness, and hunger and thirst, no doubt; and at least none
had given them the comfort of a wash, or even the poor charity of a lotion
for their wounds; yet you never heard them utter a moan or a groan, or saw
them
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 19

show any sign of restlessness, or any disposition to complain. The thought
was forced upon me: "The rascals -- mdash; they have served other people so
in their day; it being their own turn, now, they were not expecting any
better treatment than this; so their philosophical bearing is not an
outcome of mental training, intellectual fortitude, reasoning; it is mere
animal training; they are white Indians."

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 20

                                 Chapter 3

                         KNIGHTS OF THE TABLE ROUND

   MAINLY the Round Table talk was monologues -- mdash; narrative accounts
of the adventures in which these prisoners were captured and their friends
and backers killed and stripped of their steeds and armor. As a general
thing -- mdash; as far as I could make out -- mdash; these murderous
adventures were not forays undertaken to avenge injuries, nor to settle old
disputes or sudden fallings out; no, as a rule they were simply duels
between strangers -- mdash; duels between people who had never even been
introduced to each other, and between whom existed no cause of offense
whatever. Many a time I had seen a couple of boys, strangers, meet by
chance, and say simultaneously, "I can lick you," and go at it on the spot;
but I had always imagined until now that that sort of thing belonged to
children only, and was a sign and mark of childhood; but here were these
big boobies sticking to it and taking pride in it clear up into full age
and beyond. Yet there was something very engaging about these great
simple-hearted creatures, something attractive and lovable. There did not
seem to be brains enough in the entire nursery, so to speak, to bait a
fish-hook with; but you didn't seem to mind that, after a little, because
you
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 21

soon saw that brains were not needed in a society like that, and indeed
would have marred it, hindered it, spoiled its symmetry -- mdash; perhaps
rendered its existence impossible.

   There was a fine manliness observable in almost every face; and in some
a certain loftiness and sweetness that rebuked your belittling criticisms
and stilled them. A most noble benignity and purity reposed in the
countenance of him they called Sir Galahad, and likewise in the king's
also; and there was majesty and greatness in the giant frame and high
bearing of Sir Launcelot of the Lake.

   There was presently an incident which centered the general interest upon
this Sir Launcelot. At a sign from a sort of master of ceremonies, six or
eight of the prisoners rose and came forward in a body and knelt on the
floor and lifted up their hands toward the ladies' gallery and begged the
grace of a word with the queen. The most conspicuously situated lady in
that massed flower-bed of feminine show and finery inclined her head by way
of assent, and then the spokesman of the prisoners delivered himself and
his fellows into her hands for free pardon, ransom, captivity, or death, as
she in her good pleasure might elect; and this, as he said, he was doing by
command of Sir Kay the Seneschal, whose prisoners they were, he having
vanquished them by his single might and prowess in sturdy conflict in the
field.

   Surprise and astonishment flashed from face to face all over the house;
the queen's gratified smile faded out at the name of Sir Kay, and she
looked disappointed; and the page whispered in my ear with an accent and
manner expressive of extravagant derision -- mdash;
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 22

   "Sir KAY, forsooth! Oh, call me pet names, dearest, call me a marine! In
twice a thousand years shall the unholy invention of man labor at odds to
beget the fellow to this majestic lie!"

   Every eye was fastened with severe inquiry upon Sir Kay. But he was
equal to the occasion. He got up and played his hand like a major -- mdash;
and took every trick. He said he would state the case exactly according to
the facts; he would tell the simple straightforward tale, without comment
of his own; "and then," said he, "if ye find glory and honor due, ye will
give it unto him who is the mightiest man of his hands that ever bare
shield or strake with sword in the ranks of Christian battle -- mdash; even
him that sitteth there!" and he pointed to Sir Launcelot. Ah, he fetched
them; it was a rattling good stroke. Then he went on and told how Sir
Launcelot, seeking adventures, some brief time gone by, killed seven giants
at one sweep of his sword, and set a hundred and forty-two captive maidens
free; and then went further, still seeking adventures, and found him (Sir
Kay) fighting a desperate fight against nine foreign knights, and
straightway took the battle solely into his own hands, and conquered the
nine; and that night Sir Launcelot rose quietly, and dressed him in Sir
Kay's armor and took Sir Kay's horse and gat him away into distant lands,
and vanquished sixteen knights in one pitched battle and thirty-four in
another; and all these and the former nine he made to swear that about
Whitsuntide they would ride to Arthur's court and yield them to Queen
Guenever's hands as captives of Sir Kay the Seneschal, spoil of his
knightly prowess; and now here were these half dozen, and the
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 23

rest would be along as soon as they might be healed of their desperate
wounds.

   Well, it was touching to see the queen blush and smile, and look
embarrassed and happy, and fling furtive glances at Sir Launcelot that
would have got him shot in Arkansas, to a dead certainty.

   Everybody praised the valor and magnanimity of Sir Launcelot; and as for
me, I was perfectly amazed, that one man, all by himself, should have been
able to beat down and capture such battalions of practiced fighters. I said
as much to Clarence; but this mocking featherhead only said:

   "An Sir Kay had had time to get another skin of sour wine into him, ye
had seen the accompt doubled."

   I looked at the boy in sorrow; and as I looked I saw the cloud of a deep
despondency settle upon his countenance. I followed the direction of his
eye, and saw that a very old and white-bearded man, clothed in a flowing
black gown, had risen and was standing at the table upon unsteady legs, and
feebly swaying his ancient head and surveying the company with his watery
and wandering eye. The same suffering look that was in the page's face was
observable in all the faces around -- mdash; the look of dumb creatures who
know that they must endure and make no moan.

   "Marry, we shall have it a again," sighed the boy; "that same old weary
tale that he hath told a thousand times in the same words, and that he WILL
tell till he dieth, every time he hath gotten his barrel full and feeleth
his exaggeration-mill a-working. Would God I had died or I saw this day!"

   "Who is it?"

   "Merlin, the mighty liar and magician, perdition
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 24

singe him for the weariness he worketh with his one tale! But that men fear
him for that he hath the storms and the lightnings and all the devils that
be in hell at his beck and call, they would have dug his entrails out these
many years ago to get at that tale and squelch it. He telleth it always in
the third person, making believe he is too modest to glorify himself --
mdash; maledictions light upon him, misfortune be his dole! Good friend,
prithee call me for evensong."

   The boy nestled himself upon my shoulder and pretended to go to sleep.
The old man began his tale; and presently the lad was asleep in reality; so
also were the dogs, and the court, the lackeys, and the files of
men-at-arms. The droning voice droned on; a soft snoring arose on all sides
and supported it like a deep and subdued accompaniment of wind instruments.
Some heads were bowed upon folded arms, some lay back with open mouths that
issued unconscious music; the flies buzzed and bit, unmolested, the rats
swarmed softly out from a hundred holes, and pattered about, and made
themselves at home everywhere; and one of them sat up like a squirrel on
the king's head and held a bit of cheese in its hands and nibbled it, and
dribbled the crumbs in the king's face with naive and impudent irreverence.
It was a tranquil scene, and restful to the weary eye and the jaded spirit.

   This was the old man's tale. He said:

   "Right so the king and Merlin departed, and went until an hermit that
was a good man and a great leech. So the hermit searched all his wounds and
gave him good salves; so the king was there three days, and then were his
wounds well amended that
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 25

he might ride and go, and so departed. And as they rode, Arthur said, I
have no sword. No force No matter., said Merlin, hereby is a sword that
shall be yours and I may. So they rode till they came to a lake, the which
was a fair water and broad, and in the midst of the lake Arthur was ware of
an arm clothed in white samite, that held a fair sword in that hand. Lo,
said Merlin, yonder is that sword that I spake of. With that they saw a
damsel going upon the lake. What damsel is that? said Arthur. That is the
Lady of the lake, said Merlin; and within that lake is a rock, and therein
is as fair a place as any on earth, and richly beseen, and this damsel will
come to you anon, and then speak ye fair to her that she will give you that
sword. Anon withal came the damsel unto Arthur and saluted him, and he her
again. Damsel, said Arthur, what sword is that, that yonder the arm holdeth
above the water? I would it were mine, for I have no sword. Sir Arthur
King, said the damsel, that sword is mine, and if ye will give me a gift
when I ask it you, ye shall have it. By my faith, said Arthur, I will give
you what gift ye will ask. Well, said the damsel, go ye into yonder barge
and row yourself to the sword, and take it and the scabbard with you, and I
will ask my gift when I see my time. So Sir Arthur and Merlin alight, and
tied their horses to two trees, and so they went into the ship, and when
they came to the sword that the hand held, Sir Arthur took it up by the
handles, and took it with him. And the arm and the hand went under the
water; and so they came unto the land and
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 26

rode forth. And then Sir Arthur saw a rich pavilion. What signifieth yonder
pavilion? It is the knight's pavilion, said Merlin, that ye fought with
last, Sir Pellinore, but he is out, he is not there; he hath ado with a
knight of yours, that hight Egglame, and they have fought together, but at
the last Egglame fled, and else he had been dead, and he hath chased him
even to Carlion, and we shall meet with him anon in the highway. That is
well said, said Arthur, now have I a sword, now will I wage battle with
him, and be avenged on him. Sir, ye shall not so, said Merlin, for the
knight is weary of fighting and chasing, so that ye shall have no worship
to have ado with him; also, he will not lightly be matched of one knight
living; and therefore it is my counsel, let him pass, for he shall do you
good service in short time, and his sons, after his days. Also ye shall see
that day in short space ye shall be right glad to give him your sister to
wed. When I see him, I will do as ye advise me, said Arthur. Then Sir
Arthur looked on the sword, and liked it passing well. Whether liketh you
better, said Merlin, the sword or the scabbard? Me liketh better the sword,
said Arthur. Ye are more unwise, said Merlin, for the scabbard is worth ten
of the sword, for while ye have the scabbard upon you ye shall never lose
no blood, be ye never so sore wounded; therefore, keep well the scabbard
always with you. So they rode into Carlion, and by the way they met with
Sir Pellinore; but Merlin had done such a craft that Pellinore saw not
Arthur, and he passed by without any words. I marvel, said Arthur, that the
knight would not speak. Sir, said Merlin, he saw you not; for and he had
seen you ye
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 27

had not lightly departed. So they came unto Carlion, whereof his knights
were passing glad. And when they heard of his adventures they marveled that
he would jeopard his person so alone. But all men of worship said it was
merry to be under such a chieftain that would put his person in adventure
as other poor knights did."

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 28

                                 Chapter 4

                          SIR DINADAN THE HUMORIST

   IT seemed to me that this quaint lie was most simply and beautifully
told; but then I had heard it only once, and that makes a difference; it
was pleasant to the others when it was fresh, no doubt.

   Sir Dinadan the Humorist was the first to awake, and he soon roused the
rest with a practical joke of a sufficiently poor quality. He tied some
metal mugs to a dog's tail and turned him loose, and he tore around and
around the place in a frenzy of fright, with all the other dogs bellowing
after him and battering and crashing against everything that came in their
way and making altogether a chaos of confusion and a most deafening din and
turmoil; at which every man and woman of the multitude laughed till the
tears flowed, and some fell out of their chairs and wallowed on the floor
in ecstasy. It was just like so many children. Sir Dinadan was so proud of
his exploit that he could not keep from telling over and over again, to
weariness, how the immortal idea happened to occur to him; and as is the
way with humorists of his breed, he was still laughing at it after
everybody else had got through. He was so set up that he concluded to make
a speech -- mdash; of course a humorous speech. I think I never heard so
many old
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 29

played-out jokes strung together in my life. He was worse than the
minstrels, worse than the clown in the circus. It seemed peculiarly sad to
sit here, thirteen hundred years before I was born, and listen again to
poor, flat, worm-eaten jokes that had given me the dry gripes when I was a
boy thirteen hundred years afterwards. It about convinced me that there
isn't any such thing as a new joke possible. Everybody laughed at these
antiquities -- mdash; but then they always do; I had noticed that,
centuries later. However, of course the scoffer didn't laugh -- mdash; I
mean the boy. No, he scoffed; there wasn't anything he wouldn't scoff at.
He said the most of Sir Dinadan's jokes were rotten and the rest were
petrified. I said "petrified" was good; as I believed, myself, that the
only right way to classify the majestic ages of some of those jokes was by
geologic periods. But that neat idea hit the boy in a blank place, for
geology hadn't been invented yet. However, I made a note of the remark, and
calculated to educate the commonwealth up to it if I pulled through. It is
no use to throw a good thing away merely because the market isn't ripe yet.

   Now Sir Kay arose and began to fire up on his history-mill with me for
fuel. It was time for me to feel serious, and I did. Sir Kay told how he
had encountered me in a far land of barbarians, who all wore the same
ridiculous garb that I did -- mdash; a garb that was a work of enchantment,
and intended to make the wearer secure from hurt by human hands. However he
had nullified the force of the enchantment by prayer, and had killed my
thirteen knights in a three hours' battle, and taken me prisoner, sparing
my life in order that so
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 30

strange a curiosity as I was might be exhibited to the wonder and
admiration of the king and the court. He spoke of me all the time, in the
blandest way, as "this prodigious giant," and "this horrible sky-towering
monster," and "this tusked and taloned man-devouring ogre", and everybody
took in all this bosh in the naivest way, and never smiled or seemed to
notice that there was any discrepancy between these watered statistics and
me. He said that in trying to escape from him I sprang into the top of a
tree two hundred cubits high at a single bound, but he dislodged me with a
stone the size of a cow, which "all-to brast" the most of my bones, and
then swore me to appear at Arthur's court for sentence. He ended by
condemning me to die at noon on the 21st; and was so little concerned about
it that he stopped to yawn before he named the date.

   I was in a dismal state by this time; indeed, I was hardly enough in my
right mind to keep the run of a dispute that sprung up as to how I had
better be killed, the possibility of the killing being doubted by some,
because of the enchantment in my clothes. And yet it was nothing but an
ordinary suit of fifteen-dollar slop-shops. Still, I was sane enough to
notice this detail, to wit: many of the terms used in the most
matter-offact way by this great assemblage of the first ladies and
gentlemen in the land would have made a Comanche blush. Indelicacy is too
mild a term to convey the idea. However, I had read "Tom Jones," and
"Roderick Random," and other books of that kind, and knew that the highest
and first ladies and gentlemen in England had remained little or no cleaner
in their talk, and in the morals and conduct which
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 31

such talk implies, clear up to a hundred years ago; in fact clear into our
own nineteenth century -- mdash; in which century, broadly speaking, the
earliest samples of the real lady and real gentleman discoverable in
English history -- mdash; or in European history, for that matter -- mdash;
may be said to have made their appearance. Suppose Sir Walter, instead of
putting the conversations into the mouths of his characters, had allowed
the characters to speak for themselves? We should have had talk from
Rebecca and Ivanhoe and the soft lady Rowena which would embarrass a tramp
in our day. However, to the unconsciously indelicate all things are
delicate. King Arthur's people were not aware that they were indecent and I
had presence of mind enough not to mention it.

   They were so troubled about my enchanted clothes that they were mightily
relieved, at last, when old Merlin swept the difficulty away for them with
a common-sense hint. He asked them why they were so dull -- mdash; why
didn't it occur to them to strip me. In half a minute I was as naked as a
pair of tongs! And dear, dear, to think of it: I was the only embarrassed
person there. Everybody discussed me; and did it as unconcernedly as if I
had been a cabbage. Queen Guenever was as naively interested as the rest,
and said she had never seen anybody with legs just like mine before. It was
the only compliment I got -- mdash; if it was a compliment.

   Finally I was carried off in one direction, and my perilous clothes in
another. I was shoved into a dark and narrow cell in a dungeon, with some
scant remnants for dinner, some moldy straw for a bed, and no end of rats
for company.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 32

                                 Chapter 5

                               AN INSPIRATION

   I was so tired that even my fears were not able to keep me awake long.

   When I next came to myself, I seemed to have been asleep a very long
time. My first thought was, "Well, what an astonishing dream I've had! I
reckon I've waked only just in time to keep from being hanged or drowned or
burned or something.... I'll nap again till the whistle blows, and then
I'll go down to the arms factory and have it out with Hercules."

   But just then I heard the harsh music of rusty chains and bolts, a light
flashed in my eyes, and that butterfly, Clarence, stood before me! I gasped
with surprise; my breath almost got away from me.

   "What!" I said, "you here yet? Go along with the rest of the dream!
scatter!"

   But he only laughed, in his light-hearted way, and fell to making fun of
my sorry plight.

   "All right," I said resignedly, "let the dream go on; I'm in no hurry."

   "Prithee what dream?"

   "What dream? Why, the dream that I am in Arthur's court -- mdash; a
person who never existed; and that I am talking to you, who are nothing but
a work of the imagination."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 33

   "Oh, la, indeed! and is it a dream that you're to be burned to-morrow?
Ho-ho -- mdash; answer me that!"

   The shock that went through me was distressing. I now began to reason
that my situation was in the last degree serious, dream or no dream; for I
knew by past experience of the lifelike intensity of dreams, that to be
burned to death, even in a dream, would be very far from being a jest, and
was a thing to be avoided, by any means, fair or foul, that I could
contrive. So I said beseechingly:

   "Ah, Clarence, good boy, only friend I've got, -- mdash; for you ARE my
friend, aren't you? -- mdash; don't fail me; help me to devise some way of
escaping from this place!"

   "Now do but hear thyself! Escape? Why, man, the corridors are in guard
and keep of men-at-arms."

   "No doubt, no doubt. But how many, Clarence? Not many, I hope?"

   "Full a score. One may not hope to escape." After a pause -- mdash;
hesitatingly: "and there be other reasons -- mdash; and weightier."

   "Other ones? What are they?"

   "Well, they say -- mdash; oh, but I daren't, indeed daren't!"

   "Why, poor lad, what is the matter? Why do you blench? Why do you
tremble so?"

   "Oh, in sooth, there is need! I do want to tell you, but -- mdash; "

   "Come, come, be brave, be a man -- mdash; speak out, there's a good
lad!"

   He hesitated, pulled one way by desire, the other way by fear; then he
stole to the door and peeped out, listening; and finally crept close to me
and put his mouth to my ear and told me his fearful news in
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 34

a whisper, and with all the cowering apprehension of one who was venturing
upon awful ground and speaking of things whose very mention might be
freighted with death.

   "Merlin, in his malice, has woven a spell about this dungeon, and there
bides not the man in these kingdoms that would be desperate enough to essay
to cross its lines with you! Now God pity me, I have told it! Ah, be kind
to me, be merciful to a poor boy who means thee well; for an thou betray me
I am lost!"

   I laughed the only really refreshing laugh I had had for some time; and
shouted:

   "Merlin has wrought a spell! merlin, forsooth! That cheap old humbug,
that maundering old ass? Bosh, pure bosh, the silliest bosh in the world!
Why, it does seem to me that of all the childish, idiotic, chuckle-headed,
chicken-livered superstitions that ev -- mdash; oh, damn Merlin!"

   But Clarence had slumped to his knees before I had half finished, and he
was like to go out of his mind with fright.

   "Oh, beware! These are awful words! Any moment these walls may crumble
upon us if you say such things. Oh call them back before it is too late!"

   Now this strange exhibition gave me a good idea and set me to thinking.
If everybody about here was so honestly and sincerely afraid of Merlin's
pretended magic as Clarence was, certainly a superior man like me ought to
be shrewd enough to contrive some way to take advantage of such a state of
things. I went on thinking, and worked out a plan. Then I said:
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 35

   "Get up. Pull yourself together; look me in the eye. Do you know why I
laughed?"

   "No -- mdash; but for our blessed Lady's sake, do it no more."

   "Well, I'll tell you why I laughed. Because I'm a magician myself."

   "Thou!" The boy recoiled a step, and caught his breath, for the thing
hit him rather sudden; but the aspect which he took on was very, very
respectful. I took quick note of that; it indicated that a humbug didn't
need to have a reputation in this asylum; people stood ready to take him at
his word, without that. I resumed.

   "I've know Merlin seven hundred years, and he -- mdash; "

   "Seven hun -- mdash; "

   "Don't interrupt me. He has died and come alive again thirteen times,
and traveled under a new name every time: Smith, Jones, Robinson, Jackson,
Peters, Haskins, Merlin -- mdash; a new alias every time he turns up. I
knew him in Egypt three hundred years ago; I knew him in India five hundred
years ago -- mdash; he is always blethering around in my way, everywhere I
go; he makes me tired. He don't amount to shucks, as a magician; knows some
of the old common tricks, but has never got beyond the rudiments, and never
will. He is well enough for the provinces -- mdash; one-night stands and
that sort of thing, you know -- mdash; but dear me, HE oughtn't to set up
for an expert -- mdash; anyway not where there's a real artist. Now look
here, Clarence, I am going to stand your friend, right along, and in return
you must be mine. I want you to do me a favor. I want you to get word to
the king that I am a magician myself -- mdash; and the Supreme Grand
High-yu-Muck-amuck
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 36

and head of the tribe, at that; and I want him to be made to understand
that I am just quietly arranging a little calamity here that will make the
fur fly in these realms if Sir Kay's project is carried out and any harm
comes to me. Will you get that to the king for me?"

   The poor boy was in such a state that he could hardly answer me. It was
pitiful to see a creature so terrified, so unnerved, so demoralized. But he
promised everything; and on my side he made me promise over and over again
that I would remain his friend, and never turn against him or cast any
enchantments upon him. Then he worked his way out, staying himself with his
hand along the wall, like a sick person.

   Presently this thought occurred to me: how heedless I have been! When
the boy gets calm, he will wonder why a great magician like me should have
begged a boy like him to help me get out of this place; he will put this
and that together, and will see that I am a humbug.

   I worried over that heedless blunder for an hour, and called myself a
great many hard names, meantime. But finally it occurred to me all of a
sudden that these animals didn't reason; that they never put this and that
together; that all their talk showed that they didn't know a discrepancy
when they saw it. I was at rest, then.

   But as soon as one is at rest, in this world, off he goes on something
else to worry about. It occurred to me that I had made another blunder: I
had sent the boy off to alarm his betters with a threat -- mdash; I
intending to invent a calamity at my leisure; now the people who are the
readiest and eagerest and willingest to swallow miracles are the very ones
who are hungriest
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 37

to see you perform them; suppose I should be called on for a sample?
Suppose I should be asked to name my calamity? Yes, I had made a blunder; I
ought to have invented my calamity first. "What shall I do? what can I say,
to gain a little time?" I was in trouble again; in the deepest kind of
trouble:... "There's a footstep! -- mdash; they're coming. If I had only
just a moment to think.... Good, I've got it. I'm all right."

   You see, it was the eclipse. It came into my mind in the nick of time,
how Columbus, or Cortez, or one of those people, played an eclipse as a
saving trump once, on some savages, and I saw my chance. I could play it
myself, now, and it wouldn't be any plagiarism, either, because I should
get it in nearly a thousand years ahead of those parties.

   Clarence came in, subdued, distressed, and said:

   "I hasted the message to our liege the king, and straightway he had me
to his presence. He was frighted even to the marrow, and was minded to give
order for your instant enlargement, and that you be clothed in fine raiment
and lodged as befitted one so great; but then came Merlin and spoiled all;
for he persuaded the king that you are mad, and know not whereof you speak;
and said your threat is but foolishness and idle vaporing. They disputed
long, but in the end, Merlin, scoffing, said, 'Wherefore hath he not named
his brave calamity? Verily it is because he cannot.' This thrust did in a
most sudden sort close the king's mouth, and he could offer naught to turn
the argument; and so, reluctant, and full loth to do you the discourtesy,
he yet prayeth you to consider his perplexed case, as noting how the matter
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 38

stands, and name the calamity -- mdash; if so be you have determined the
nature of it and the time of its coming. Oh, prithee delay not; to delay at
such a time were to double and treble the perils that already compass thee
about. Oh, be thou wise -- mdash; name the calamity!"

   I allowed silence to accumulate while I got my impressiveness together,
and then said:

   "How long have I been shut up in this hole?"

   "Ye were shut up when yesterday was well spent It is 9 of the morning
now."

   "No! Then I have slept well, sure enough. Nine in the morning now! And
yet it is the very complexion of midnight, to a shade. This is the 20th,
then?"

   "The 20th -- mdash; yes."

   "And I am to be burned alive to-morrow." The boy shuddered.

   "At what hour?"

   "At high noon."

   "Now then, I will tell you what to say." I paused, and stood over that
cowering lad a whole minute in awful silence; then, in a voice deep,
measured, charged with doom, I began, and rose by dramatically graded
stages to my colossal climax, which I delivered in as sublime and noble a
way as ever I did such a thing in my life: "Go back and tell the king that
at that hour I will smother the whole world in the dead blackness of
midnight; I will blot out the sun, and he shall never shine again; the
fruits of the earth shall rot for lack of light and warmth, and the peoples
of the earth shall famish and die, to the last man!"

   I had to carry the boy out myself, he sunk into such a collapse. I
handed him over to the soldiers, and went back.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 39

                                 Chapter 6

                                THE ECLIPSE

   IN the stillness and the darkness, realization soon began to supplement
knowledge. The mere knowledge of a fact is pale; but when you come to
realize your fact, it takes on color. It is all the difference between
hearing of a man being stabbed to the heart, and seeing it done. In the
stillness and the darkness, the knowledge that I was in deadly danger took
to itself deeper and deeper meaning all the time; a something which was
realization crept inch by inch through my veins and turned me cold.

   But it is a blessed provision of nature that at times like these, as
soon as a man's mercury has got down to a certain point there comes a
revulsion, and he rallies. Hope springs up, and cheerfulness along with it,
and then he is in good shape to do something for himself, if anything can
be done. When my rally came, it came with a bound. I said to myself that my
eclipse would be sure to save me, and make me the greatest man in the
kingdom besides; and straightway my mercury went up to the top of the tube,
and my solicitudes all vanished. I was as happy a man as there was in the
world. I was even impatient for tomorrow to come, I so wanted to gather in
that great triumph and be the center of all the nation's wonder
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 40

and reverence. Besides, in a business way it would be the making of me; I
knew that.

   Meantime there was one thing which had got pushed into the background of
my mind. That was the half-conviction that when the nature of my proposed
calamity should be reported to those superstitious people, it would have
such an effect that they would want to compromise. So, by and by when I
heard footsteps coming, that thought was recalled to me, and I said to
myself, "As sure as anything, it's the compromise. Well, if it is good, all
right, I will accept; but if it isn't, I mean to stand my ground and play
my hand for all it is worth."

   The door opened, and some men-at-arms appeared. The leader said:

   "The stake is ready. Come!"

   The stake! The strength went out of me, and I almost fell down. It is
hard to get one's breath at such a time, such lumps come into one's throat,
and such gaspings; but as soon as I could speak, I said:

   "But this is a mistake -- mdash; the execution is tomorrow."

   "Order changed; been set forward a day. Haste thee!"

   I was lost. There was no help for me. I was dazed, stupefied; I had no
command over myself, I only wandered purposely about, like one out of his
mind; so the soldiers took hold of me, and pulled me along with them, out
of the cell and along the maze of underground corridors, and finally into
the fierce glare of daylight and the upper world. As we stepped into the
vast enclosed court of the castle I got a shock; for the first thing I saw
was the stake, standing in the center, and near it the piled fagots and a
monk. On
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 41

all four sides of the court the seated multitudes rose rank above rank,
forming sloping terraces that were rich with color. The king and the queen
sat in their thrones, the most conspicuous figures there, of course.

   To note all this, occupied but a second. The next second Clarence had
slipped from some place of concealment and was pouring news into my ear,
his eyes beaming with triumph and gladness. He said:

   "'Tis through ME the change was wrought! And main hard have I worked to
do it, too. But when I revealed to them the calamity in store, and saw how
mighty was the terror it did engender, then saw I also that this was the
time to strike! Wherefore I diligently pretended, unto this and that and
the other one, that your power against the sun could not reach its full
until the morrow; and so if any would save the sun and the world, you must
be slain to-day, while your enchantments are but in the weaving and lack
potency. Odsbodikins, it was but a dull lie, a most indifferent invention,
but you should have seen them seize it and swallow it, in the frenzy of
their fright, as it were salvation sent from heaven; and all the while was
I laughing in my sleeve the one moment, to
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 42

see them so cheaply deceived, and glorifying God the next, that He was
content to let the meanest of His creatures be His instrument to the saving
of thy life. Ah how happy has the matter sped! You will not need to do the
sun a real hurt -- mdash; ah, forget not that, on your soul forget it not!
Only make a little darkness -- mdash; only the littlest little darkness,
mind, and cease with that. It will be sufficient. They will see that I
spoke falsely, -- mdash; being ignorant, as they will fancy -- mdash; and
with the falling of the first shadow of that darkness you shall see them go
mad with fear; and they will set you free and make you great! Go to thy
triumph, now! But remember -- mdash; ah, good friend, I implore thee
remember my supplication, and do the blessed sun no hurt. For my sake, thy
true friend."

   I choked out some words through my grief and misery; as much as to say I
would spare the sun; for which the lad's eyes paid me back with such deep
and loving gratitude that I had not the heart to tell him his good-hearted
foolishness had ruined me and sent me to my death.

   As the soldiers assisted me across the court the stillness was so
profound that if I had been blindfold I should have supposed I was in a
solitude instead of walled in by four thousand people. There was not a
movement perceptible in those masses of humanity; they were as rigid as
stone images, and as pale; and dread sat upon every countenance. This hush
continued while I was being chained to the stake; it still continued while
the fagots were carefully and tediously piled about my ankles, my knees, my
thighs, my body. Then there was a pause, and a deeper hush, if possible,
and a man knelt down at my feet with a blazing torch; the multitude
strained forward, gazing, and parting slightly from their seats without
knowing it; the monk raised his hands above my head, and his eyes toward
the blue sky, and began some words in Latin; in this attitude he droned on
and on, a little while, and then stopped. I waited two or three moments;
then looked up; he was standing there petrified. With a common impulse the
multitude rose slowly up and stared into the sky. I followed their eyes, as
sure as guns, there was my eclipse beginning!
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 43

The life went boiling through my veins; I was a new man! The rim of black
spread slowly into the sun's disk, my heart beat higher and higher, and
still the assemblage and the priest stared into the sky, motionless. I knew
that this gaze would be turned upon me, next. When it was, l was ready. I
was in one of the most grand attitudes I ever struck, with my arm stretched
up pointing to the sun. It was a noble effect. You could see the shudder
sweep the mass like a wave. Two shouts rang out, one close upon the heels
of the other:

   "Apply the torch!"

   "I forbid it!"

   The one was from Merlin, the other from the king. Merlin started from
his place -- mdash; to apply the torch himself, I judged. I said:

   "Stay where you are. If any man moves -- mdash; even the king -- mdash;
before I give him leave, I will blast him with thunder, I will consume him
with lightnings!"

   The multitude sank meekly into their seats, and I was just expecting
they would. Merlin hesitated a moment or two, and I was on pins and needles
during that little while. Then he sat down, and I took a good breath; for I
knew I was master of the situation now. The king said:

   "Be merciful, fair sir, and essay no further in this perilous matter,
lest disaster follow. It was reported to us that your powers could not
attain unto their full strength until the morrow; but -- mdash; "

   "Your Majesty thinks the report may have been a lie? It was a lie."

   That made an immense effect; up went appealing hands everywhere, and the
king was assailed with a
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 44

storm of supplications that I might be bought off at any price, and the
calamity stayed. The king was eager to comply. He said:

   "Name any terms, reverend sir, even to the halving of my kingdom; but
banish this calamity, spare the sun!"

   My fortune was made. I would have taken him up in a minute, but I
couldn't stop an eclipse; the thing was out of the question. So I asked
time to consider. The king said:

   "How long -- mdash; ah, how long, good sir? Be merciful; look, it
groweth darker, moment by moment. Prithee how long?"

   "Not long. Half an hour -- mdash; maybe an hour."

   There were a thousand pathetic protests, but I couldn't shorten up any,
for I couldn't remember how long a total eclipse lasts. I was in a puzzled
condition, anyway, and wanted to think. Something was wrong about that
eclipse, and the fact was very unsettling. If this wasn't the one I was
after, how was I to tell whether this was the sixth century, or nothing but
a dream? Dear me, if I could only prove it was the latter! Here was a glad
new hope. If the boy was right about the date, and this was surely the
20th, it wasn't the sixth century. I reached for the monk's sleeve, in
considerable excitement, and asked him what day of the month it was.

   Hang him, he said it was the twenty-first! It made me turn cold to hear
him. I begged him not to make any mistake about it; but he was sure; he
knew it was the 21st. So, that feather-headed boy had botched things again!
The time of the day was right for the eclipse; I had seen that for myself,
in
                                  [Image]

                                  The King

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 45

the beginning, by the dial that was near by. Yes, I was in King Arthur's
court, and I might as well make the most out of it I could.

   The darkness was steadily growing, the people becoming more and more
distressed. I now said:

   "I have reflected, Sir King. For a lesson, I will let this darkness
proceed, and spread night in the world; but whether I blot out the sun for
good, or restore it, shall rest with you. These are the terms, to wit: You
shall remain king over all your dominions, and receive all the glories and
honors that belong to the kingship; but you shall appoint me your perpetual
minister and executive, and give me for my services one per cent. of such
actual increase of revenue over and above its present amount as I may
succeed in creating for the state. If I can't live on that, I sha'n't ask
anybody to give me a lift. Is it satisfactory?"

   There was a prodigious roar of applause, and out of the midst of it the
king's voice rose, saying:

   "Away with his bonds, and set him free! and do him homage, high and low,
rich and poor, for he is become the king's right hand, is clothed with
power and authority, and his seat is upon the highest step of the throne!
Now sweep away this creeping night, and bring the light and cheer again,
that all the world may bless thee."

   But I said:

   "That a common man should be shamed before the world, is nothing; but it
were dishonor to the KING if any that saw his minister naked should not
also see him delivered from his shame. If I might ask that my clothes be
brought again -- mdash; "
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 46

   "They are not meet," the king broke in. "Fetch raiment of another sort;
clothe him like a prince!"

   My idea worked. I wanted to keep things as they were till the eclipse
was total, otherwise they would be trying again to get me to dismiss the
darkness, and of course I couldn't do it. Sending for the clothes gained
some delay, but not enough. So I had to make another excuse. I said it
would be but natural if the king should change his mind and repent to some
extent of what he had done under excitement; therefore I would let the
darkness grow a while, and if at the end of a reasonable time the king had
kept his mind the same, the darkness should be dismissed. Neither the king
nor anybody else was satisfied with that arrangement, but I had to stick to
my point.

   It grew darker and darker and blacker and blacker, while I struggled
with those awkward sixth-century clothes. It got to be pitch dark, at last,
and the multitude groaned with horror to feel the cold uncanny night
breezes fan through the place and see the stars come out and twinkle in the
sky. At last the eclipse was total, and I was very glad of it, but
everybody else was in misery; which was quite natural. I said:

   "The king, by his silence, still stands to the terms." Then I lifted up
my hands -- mdash; stood just so a moment -- mdash; then I said, with the
most awful solemnity: "Let the enchantment dissolve and pass harmless
away!"

   There was no response, for a moment, in that deep darkness and that
graveyard hush. But when the silver rim of the sun pushed itself out, a
moment or
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 47

two later, the assemblage broke loose with a vast shout and came pouring
down like a deluge to smother me with blessings and gratitude; and Clarence
was not the last of the wash, to be sure.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 48

                                 Chapter 7

                               MERLIN'S TOWER

   INASMUCH as I was now the second personage in the Kingdom, as far as
political power and authority were concerned, much was made of me. My
raiment was of silks and velvets and cloth of gold, and by consequence was
very showy, also uncomfortable. But habit would soon reconcile me to my
clothes; I was aware of that. I was given the choicest suite of apartments
in the castle, after the king's. They were aglow with loud-colored silken
hangings, but the stone floors had nothing but rushes on them for a carpet,
and they were misfit rushes at that, being not all of one breed. As for
conveniences, properly speaking, there weren't any. I mean
littleconveniences; it is the little conveniences that make the real
comfort of life. The big oaken chairs, graced with rude carvings, were well
enough, but that was the stopping place. There was no soap, no matches, no
looking-glass -- mdash; except a metal one, about as powerful as a pail of
water. And not a chromo. I had been used to chromos for years, and I saw
now that without my suspecting it a passion for art had got worked into the
fabric of my being, and was become a part of me. It made me homesick to
look around over this proud and gaudy but heartless barrenness and remember
that in our house in East
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 49

Hartford, all unpretending as it was, you couldn't go into a room but you
would find an insurance-chromo, or at least a three-color
God-Bless-Our-Home over the door; and in the parlor we had nine. But here,
even in my grand room of state, there wasn't anything in the nature of a
picture except a thing the size of a bedquilt, which was either woven or
knitted (it had darned places in it), and nothing in it was the right color
or the right shape; and as for proportions, even Raphael himself couldn't
have botched them more formidably, after all his practice on those
nightmares they call his "celebrated Hampton Court cartoons." Raphael was a
bird. We had several of his chromos; one was his "Miraculous Draught of
Fishes," where he puts in a miracle of his own -- mdash; puts three men
into a canoe which wouldn't have held a dog without upsetting. I always
admired to study R.'s art, it was so fresh and unconventional.

   There wasn't even a bell or a speaking-tube in the castle. I had a great
many servants, and those that were on duty lolled in the anteroom; and when
I wanted one of them I had to go and call for him. There was no gas, there
were no candles; a bronze dish half full of boarding-house butter with a
blazing rag floating in it was the thing that produced what was regarded as
light. A lot of these hung along the walls and modified the dark, just
toned it down enough to make it dismal. If you went out at night, your
servants carried torches. There were no books, pens, paper or ink, and no
glass in the openings they believed to be windows. It is a little thing --
mdash; glass is -- mdash; until it is absent, then it becomes a big thing.
But perhaps the worst of all was, that there wasn't any
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 50

sugar, coffee, tea, or tobacco. I saw that I was just another Robinson
Crusoe cast away on an uninhabited island, with no society but some more or
less tame animals, and if I wanted to make life bearable I must do as he
did -- mdash; invent, contrive, create, reorganize things; set brain and
hand to work, and keep them busy. Well, that was in my line.

   One thing troubled me along at first -- mdash; the immense interest
which people took in me. Apparently the whole nation wanted a look at me.
It soon transpired that the eclipse had scared the British world almost to
death; that while it lasted the whole country, from one end to the other,
was in a pitiable state of panic, and the churches, hermitages, and
monkeries overflowed with praying and weeping poor creatures who thought
the end of the world was come. Then had followed the news that the producer
of this awful event was a stranger, a mighty magician at Arthur's court;
that he could have blown out the sun like a candle, and was just going to
do it when his mercy was purchased, and he then dissolved his enchantments,
and was now recognized and honored as the man who had by his unaided might
saved the globe from destruction and its peoples from extinction. Now if
you consider that everybody believed that, and not only believed it, but
never even dreamed of doubting it, you will easily understand that there
was not a person in all Britain that would not have walked fifty miles to
get a sight of me. Of course I was all the talk -- mdash; all other
subjects were dropped; even the king became suddenly a person of minor
interest and notoriety. Within twenty-four hours the delegations began to
arrive, and from that time onward for a fortnight
                                  [Image]

              There was no soap, no matches, no looking-glass

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 51

they kept coming. The village was crowded, and all the countryside. I had
to go out a dozen times a day and show myself to these reverent and
awe-stricken multitudes. It came to be a great burden, as to time and
trouble, but of course it was at the same time compensatingly agreeable to
be so celebrated and such a center of homage. It turned Brer Merlin green
with envy and spite, which was a great satisfaction to me. But there was
one thing I couldn't understand -- mdash; nobody had asked for an
autograph. I spoke to Clarence about it. By George! I had to explain to him
what it was. Then he said nobody in the country could read or write but a
few dozen priests. Land! think of that.

   There was another thing that troubled me a little. Those multitudes
presently began to agitate for another miracle. That was natural. To be
able to carry back to their far homes the boast that they had seen the man
who could command the sun, riding in the heavens, and be obeyed, would make
them great in the eyes of their neighbors, and envied by them all; but to
be able to also say they had seen him work a miracle themselves -- mdash;
why, people would come a distance to see them. The pressure got to be
pretty strong. There was going to be an eclipse of the moon, and I knew the
date and hour, but it was too far away. Two years. I would have given a
good deal for license to hurry it up and use it now when there was a big
market for it. It seemed a great pity to have it wasted so, and come
lagging along at a time when a body wouldn't have any use for it, as like
as not. If it had been booked for only a month away, I could have sold it
short; but, as matters stood, I
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 52

couldn't seem to cipher out any way to make it do me any good, so I gave up
trying. Next, Clarence found that old Merlin was making himself busy on the
sly among those people. He was spreading a report that I was a humbug, and
that the reason I didn't accommodate the people with a miracle was because
I couldn't. I saw that I must do something. I presently thought out a plan.

   By my authority as executive I threw Merlin into prison -- mdash; the
same cell I had occupied myself. Then I gave public notice by herald and
trumpet that I should be busy with affairs of state for a fortnight, but
about the end of that time I would take a moment's leisure and blow up
Merlin's stone tower by fires from heaven; in the meantime, whoso listened
to evil reports about me, let him beware. Furthermore, I would perform but
this one miracle at this time, and no more; if it failed to satisfy and any
murmured, I would turn the murmurers into horses, and make them useful.
Quiet ensued.

   I took Clarence into my confidence, to a certain degree, and we went to
work privately. I told him that this was a sort of miracle that required a
trifle of preparation, and that it would be sudden death to ever talk about
these preparations to anybody. That made his mouth safe enough.
Clandestinely we made a few bushels of first-rate blasting powder, and I
superintended my armorers while they constructed a lightning-rod and some
wires. This old stone tower was very massive -- mdash; and rather ruinous,
too, for it was Roman, and four hundred years old. Yes, and handsome, after
a rude fashion, and clothed with ivy from base to summit, as with a shirt
of scale mail. It stood
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 53

on a lonely eminence, in good view from the castle, and about half a mile
away.

   Working by night, we stowed the powder in the tower -- mdash; dug stones
out, on the inside, and buried the powder in the walls themselves, which
were fifteen feet thick at the base. We put in a peck at a time, in a dozen
places. We could have blown up the Tower of London with these charges. When
the thirteenth night was come we put up our lightning-rod, bedded it in one
of the batches of powder, and ran wires from it to the other batches.
Everybody had shunned that locality from the day of my proclamation, but on
the morning of the fourteenth I thought best to warn the people, through
the heralds, to keep clear away -- mdash; a quarter of a mile away. Then
added, by command, that at some time during the twenty-four hours I would
consummate the miracle, but would first give a brief notice; by flags on
the castle towers if in the daytime, by torch-baskets in the same places if
at night.

   Thunder-showers had been tolerably frequent of late, and I was not much
afraid of a failure; still, I shouldn't have cared for a delay of a day or
two; I should have explained that I was busy with affairs of state yet, and
the people must wait.

   Of course, we had a blazing sunny day -- mdash; almost the first one
without a cloud for three weeks; things always happen so. I kept secluded,
and watched the weather. Clarence dropped in from time to time and said the
public excitement was growing and growing all the time, and the whole
country filling up with human masses as far as one could see from the
battlements. At last the wind sprang up and a cloud appeared
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 54

-- mdash; in the right quarter, too, and just at nightfall. For a little
while I watched that distant cloud spread and blacken, then I judged it was
time for me to appear. I ordered the torch-baskets to be lit, and Merlin
liberated and sent to me. A quarter of an hour later I ascended the parapet
and there found the king and the court assembled and gazing off in the
darkness toward Merlin's Tower. Already the darkness was so heavy that one
could not see far; these people and the old turrets, being partly in deep
shadow and partly in the red glow from the great torch-baskets overhead,
made a good deal of a picture.

   Merlin arrived in a gloomy mood. I said:

   "You wanted to burn me alive when I had not done you any harm, and
latterly you have been trying to injure my professional reputation.
Therefore I am going to call down fire and blow up your tower, but it is
only fair to give you a chance; now if you think you can break my
enchantments and ward off the fires, step to the bat, it's your innings."

   "I can, fair sir, and I will. Doubt it not."

   He drew an imaginary circle on the stones of the roof, and burnt a pinch
of powder in it, which sent up a small cloud of aromatic smoke, whereat
everybody fell back and began to cross themselves and get uncomfortable.
Then he began to mutter and make passes in the air with his hands. He
worked himself up slowly and gradually into a sort of frenzy, and got to
thrashing around with his arms like the sails of a windmill. By this time
the storm had about reached us; the gusts of wind were flaring the torches
and making the shadows swash about, the first heavy drops of rain were
falling, the world abroad was black
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 55

as pitch, the lightning began to wink fitfully. Of course, my rod would be
loading itself now. In fact, things were imminent. So I said:

   "You have had time enough. I have given you every advantage, and not
interfered. It is plain your magic is weak. It is only fair that I begin
now."

   I made about three passes in the air, and then there was an awful crash
and that old tower leaped into the sky in chunks, along with a vast
volcanic fountain of fire that turned night to noonday, and showed a
thousand acres of human beings groveling on the ground in a general
collapse of consternation. Well, it rained mortar and masonry the rest of
the week. This was the report; but probably the facts would have modified
it.

   It was an effective miracle. The great bothersome temporary population
vanished. There were a good many thousand tracks in the mud the next
morning, but they were all outward bound. If I had advertised another
miracle I couldn't have raised an audience with a sheriff.

   Merlin's stock was flat. The king wanted to stop his wages; he even
wanted to banish him, but I interfered. I said he would be useful to work
the weather, and attend to small matters like that, and I would give him a
lift now and then when his poor little parlor-magic soured on him. There
wasn't a rag of his tower left, but I had the government rebuild it for
him, and advised him to take boarders; but he was too hightoned for that.
And as for being grateful, he never even said thank you. He was a rather
hard lot, take him how you might; but then you couldn't fairly expect a man
to be sweet that had been set back so.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 56

                                 Chapter 8

                                  THE BOSS

   TO be vested with enormous authority is a fine thing; but to have the
on-looking world consent to it is a finer. The tower episode solidified my
power, and made it impregnable. If any were perchance disposed to be
jealous and critical before that, they experienced a change of heart, now.
There was not any one in the kingdom who would have considered it good
judgment to meddle with my matters.

   I was fast getting adjusted to my situation and circumstances. For a
time, I used to wake up, mornings, and smile at my "dream," and listen for
the Colt's factory whistle; but that sort of thing played itself out,
gradually, and at last I was fully able to realize that I was actually
living in the sixth century, and in Arthur's court, not a lunatic asylum.
After that, I was just as much at home in that century as I could have been
in any other; and as for preference, I wouldn't have traded it for the
twentieth. Look at the opportunities here for a man of knowledge, brains,
pluck, and enterprise to sail in and grow up with the country. The grandest
field that ever was; and all my own; not a competitor; not a man who wasn't
a baby to me in acquirements and capacities; whereas, what would I amount
to in the twentieth century?
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 57

I should be foreman of a factory, that is about all; and could drag a seine
down street any day and catch a hundred better men than myself.

   What a jump I had made! I couldn't keep from thinking about it, and
contemplating it, just as one does who has struck oil. There was nothing
back of me that could approach it, unless it might be Joseph's case; and
Joseph's only approached it, it didn't equal it, quite. For it stands to
reason that as Joseph's splendid financial ingenuities advantaged nobody
but the king, the general public must have regarded him with a good deal of
disfavor, whereas I had done my entire public a kindness in sparing the
sun, and was popular by reason of it.

   I was no shadow of a king; I was the substance; the king himself was the
shadow. My power was colossal; and it was not a mere name, as such things
have generally been, it was the genuine article. I stood here, at the very
spring and source of the second great period of the world's history; and
could see the trickling stream of that history gather and deepen and
broaden, and roll its mighty tides down the far centuries; and I could note
the upspringing of adventurers like myself in the shelter of its long array
of thrones: De Montforts, Gavestons, Mortimers, Villierses; the war-making,
campaign-directing wantons of France, and Charles the Second's
scepter-wielding drabs; but nowhere in the procession was my full-sized
fellow visible. I was a Unique; and glad to know that that fact could not
be dislodged or challenged for thirteen centuries and a half, for sure.
Yes, in power I was equal to the king. At the same time there was another
power that was a trifle
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 58

stronger than both of us put together. That was the Church. I do not wish
to disguise that fact. I couldn't, if I wanted to. But never mind about
that, now; it will show up, in its proper place, later on. It didn't cause
me any trouble in the beginning -- mdash; at least any of consequence.

   Well, it was a curious country, and full of interest. And the people!
They were the quaintest and simplest and trustingest race; why, they were
nothing but rabbits. It was pitiful for a person born in a wholesome free
atmosphere to listen to their humble and hearty outpourings of loyalty
toward their king and Church and nobility; as if they had any more occasion
to love and honor king and Church and noble than a slave has to love and
honor the lash, or a dog has to love and honor the stranger that kicks him!
Why, dear me, ANY kind of royalty, howsoever modified, ANY kind of
aristocracy, howsoever pruned, is rightly an insult; but if you are born
and brought up under that sort of arrangement you probably never find it
out for yourself, and don't believe it when somebody else tells you. It is
enough to make a body ashamed of his race to think of the sort of froth
that has always occupied its thrones without shadow of right or reason, and
the seventh-rate people that have always figured as its aristocracies --
mdash; a company of monarchs and nobles who, as a rule, would have achieved
only poverty and obscurity if left, like their betters, to their own
exertions.

   The most of King Arthur's British nation were slaves, pure and simple,
and bore that name, and wore the iron collar on their necks; and the rest
were slaves in fact, but without the name; they imagined themselves
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 59

men and freemen, and called themselves so. The truth was, the nation as a
body was in the world for one object, and one only: to grovel before king
and Church and noble; to slave for them, sweat blood for them, starve that
they might be fed, work that they might play, drink misery to the dregs
that they might be happy, go naked that they might wear silks and jewels,
pay taxes that they might be spared from paying them, be familiar all their
lives with the degrading language and postures of adulation that they might
walk in pride and think themselves the gods of this world. And for all
this, the thanks they got were cuffs and contempt; and so poor-spirited
were they that they took even this sort of attention as an honor.

   Inherited ideas are a curious thing, and interesting to observe and
examine. I had mine, the king and his people had theirs. In both cases they
flowed in ruts worn deep by time and habit, and the man who should have
proposed to divert them by reason and argument would have had a long
contract on his hands. For instance, those people had inherited the idea
that all men without title and a long pedigree, whether they had great
natural gifts and acquirements or hadn't, were creatures of no more
consideration than so many animals, bugs, insects; whereas I had inherited
the idea that human daws who can consent to masquerade in the peacock-shams
of inherited dignities and unearned titles, are of no good but to be
laughed at. The way I was looked upon was odd, but it was natural. You know
how the keeper and the public regard the elephant in the menagerie: well,
that is the idea. They are full of admiration of his vast bulk and his
prodigious strength; they speak
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 60

with pride of the fact that he can do a hundred marvels which are far and
away beyond their own powers; and they speak with the same pride of the
fact that in his wrath he is able to drive a thousand men before him. But
does that make him one of THEM? No; the raggedest tramp in the pit would
smile at the idea. He couldn't comprehend it; couldn't take it in; couldn't
in any remote way conceive of it. Well, to the king, the nobles, and all
the nation, down to the very slaves and tramps, I was just that kind of an
elephant, and nothing more. I was admired, also feared; but it was as an
animal is admired and feared. The animal is not reverenced, neither was I;
I was not even respected. I had no pedigree, no inherited title; so in the
king's and nobles' eyes I was mere dirt; the people regarded me with wonder
and awe, but there was no reverence mixed with it; through the force of
inherited ideas they were not able to conceive of anything being entitled
to that except pedigree and lordship. There you see the hand of that awful
power, the Roman Catholic Church. In two or three little centuries it had
converted a nation of men to a nation of worms. Before the day of the
Church's supremacy in the world, men were men, and held their heads up, and
had a man's pride and spirit and independence; and what of greatness and
position a person got, he got mainly by achievement, not by birth. But then
the Church came to the front, with an axe to grind; and she was wise,
subtle, and knew more than one way to skin a cat -- mdash; or a nation; she
invented "divine right of kings," and propped it all around, brick by
brick, with the Beatitudes -- mdash; wrenching them from their good purpose

                                  [Image]

                    Inherited ideas are a curious thing

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 61

to make them fortify an evil one; she preached (to the commoner) humility,
obedience to superiors, the beauty of self-sacrifice; she preached (to the
commoner) meekness under insult; preached (still to the commoner, always to
the commoner) patience, meanness of spirit, non-resistance under
oppression; and she introduced heritable ranks and aristocracies, and
taught all the Christian populations of the earth to bow down to them and
worship them. Even down to my birth-century that poison was still in the
blood of Christendom, and the best of English commoners was still content
to see his inferiors impudently continuing to hold a number of positions,
such as lordships and the throne, to which the grotesque laws of his
country did not allow him to aspire; in fact, he was not merely contented
with this strange condition of things, he was even able to persuade himself
that he was proud of it. It seems to show that there isn't anything you
can't stand, if you are only born and bred to it. Of course that taint,
that reverence for rank and title, had been in our American blood, too --
mdash; I know that; but when I left America it had disappeared -- mdash; at
least to all intents and purposes. The remnant of it was restricted to the
dudes and dudesses. When a disease has worked its way down to that level,
it may fairly be said to be out of the system.

   But to return to my anomalous position in King Arthur's kingdom. Here I
was, a giant among pigmies, a man among children, a master intelligence
among intellectual moles: by all rational measurement the one and only
actually great man in that whole British world; and yet there and then,
just as in the remote England of my birth-time, the sheep-witted
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 62

earl who could claim long descent from a king's leman, acquired at
second-hand from the slums of London, was a better man than I was. Such a
personage was fawned upon in Arthur's realm and reverently looked up to by
everybody, even though his dispositions were as mean as his intelligence,
and his morals as base as his lineage. There were times when HE could sit
down in the king's presence, but I couldn't. I could have got a title
easily enough, and that would have raised me a large step in everybody's
eyes; even in the king's, the giver of it. But I didn't ask for it; and I
declined it when it was offered. I couldn't have enjoyed such a thing with
my notions; and it wouldn't have been fair, anyway, because as far back as
I could go, our tribe had always been short of the bar sinister. I couldn't
have felt really and satisfactorily fine and proud and set-up over any
title except one that should come from the nation itself, the only
legitimate source; and such an one I hoped to win; and in the course of
years of honest and honorable endeavor, I did win it and did wear it with a
high and clean pride. This title fell casually from the lips of a
blacksmith, one day, in a village, was caught up as a happy thought and
tossed from mouth to mouth with a laugh and an affirmative vote; in ten
days it had swept the kingdom, and was become as familiar as the king's
name. I was never known by any other designation afterward, whether in the
nation's talk or in grave debate upon matters of state at the council-board
of the sovereign. This title, translated into modern speech, would be THE
BOSS. Elected by the nation. That suited me. And it was a pretty high
title. There were very few THE'S, and I was one of
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 63

them. If you spoke of the duke, or the earl, or the bishop, how could
anybody tell which one you meant? But if you spoke of The King or The Queen
or The Boss, it was different.

   Well, I liked the king, and as king I respected him -- mdash; respected
the office; at least respected it as much as I was capable of respecting
any unearned supremacy; but as men I looked down upon him and his nobles --
mdash; privately. And he and they liked me, and respected my office; but as
an animal, without birth or sham title, they looked down upon me -- mdash;
and were not particularly private about it, either. I didn't charge for my
opinion about them, and they didn't charge for their opinion about me: the
account was square, the books balanced, everybody was satisfied.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 64

                                 Chapter 9

                               THE TOURNAMENT

   THEY were always having grand tournaments there at Camelot; and very
stirring and picturesque and ridiculous human bull-fights they were, too,
but just a little wearisome to the practical mind. However, I was generally
on hand -- mdash; for two reasons: a man must not hold himself aloof from
the things which his friends and his community have at heart if he would be
liked -- mdash; especially as a statesman; and both as business man and
statesman I wanted to study the tournament and see if I couldn't invent an
improvement on it. That reminds me to remark, in passing, that the very
first official thing I did, in my administration -- mdash; and it was on
the very first day of it, too -- mdash; was to start a patent office; for I
knew that a country without a patent office and good patent laws was just a
crab, and couldn't travel any way but sideways or backways.

   Things ran along, a tournament nearly every week; and now and then the
boys used to want me to take a hand -- mdash; I mean Sir Launcelot and the
rest -- mdash; but I said I would by and by; no hurry yet, and too much
government machinery to oil up and set to rights and start a-going.

   We had one tournament which was continued from day to day during more
than a week, and as many as
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 65

five hundred knights took part in it, from first to last. They were weeks
gathering. They came on horseback from everywhere; from the very ends of
the country, and even from beyond the sea; and many brought ladies, and all
brought squires and troops of servants. It was a most gaudy and gorgeous
crowd, as to costumery, and very characteristic of the country and the
time, in the way of high animal spirits, innocent indecencies of language,
and happy-hearted indifference to morals. It was fight or look on, all day
and every day; and sing, gamble, dance, carouse half the night every night.
They had a most noble good time. You never saw such people. Those banks of
beautiful ladies, shining in their barbaric splendors, would see a knight
sprawl from his horse in the lists with a lance-shaft the thickness of your
ankle clean through him and the blood spouting, and instead of fainting
they would clap their hands and crowd each other for a better view; only
sometimes one would dive into her handkerchief, and look ostentatiously
broken-hearted, and then you could lay two to one that there was a scandal
there somewhere and she was afraid the public hadn't found it out.

   The noise at night would have been annoying to me ordinarily, but I
didn't mind it in the present circumstances, because it kept me from
hearing the quacks detaching legs and arms from the day's cripples. They
ruined an uncommon good old cross-cut saw for me, and broke the saw-buck,
too, but I let it pass. And as for my axe -- mdash; well, I made up my mind
that the next time I lent an axe to a surgeon I would pick my century.

   I not only watched this tournament from day to day, but detailed an
intelligent priest from my
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 66

Department of Public Morals and Agriculture, and ordered him to report it;
for it was my purpose by and by, when I should have gotten the people along
far enough, to start a newspaper. The first thing you want in a new
country, is a patent office; then work up your school system; and after
that, out with your paper. A newspaper has its faults, and plenty of them,
but no matter, it's hark from the tomb for a dead nation, and don't you
forget it. You can't resurrect a dead nation without it; there isn't any
way. So I wanted to sample things, and be finding out what sort of
reporter-material I might be able to rake together out of the sixth century
when I should come to need it.

   Well, the priest did very well, considering. He got in all the details,
and that is a good thing in a local item: you see, he had kept books for
the undertaker-department of his church when he was younger, and there, you
know, the money's in the details; the more details, the more swag: bearers,
mutes, candles, prayers -- mdash; everything counts; and if the bereaved
don't buy prayers enough you mark up your candles with a forked pencil, and
your bill shows up all right. And he had a good knack at getting in the
complimentary thing here and there about a knight that was likely to
advertise -- mdash; no, I mean a knight that had influence; and he also had
a neat gift of exaggeration, for in his time he had kept door for a pious
hermit who lived in a sty and worked miracles.

   Of course this novice's report lacked whoop and crash and lurid
description, and therefore wanted the true ring; but its antique wording
was quaint and sweet and simple, and full of the fragrances and flavors of
the
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 67

time, and these little merits made up in a measure for its more important
lacks. Here is an extract from it:

    Then Sir Brian de les Isles and Grummore Grummorsum, knights of the
castle, encountered with Sir Aglovale and Sir Tor, and Sir Tor smote down
Sir Grummore Grummorsum to the earth. Then came Sir Carados of the dolorous
tower, and Sir Turquine, knights of the castle, and there encountered with
them Sir Percivale de Galis and Sir Lamorak de Galis, that were two
brethren, and there encountered Sir Percivale with Sir Carados, and either
brake their spears unto their hands, and then Sir Turquine with Sir
Lamorak, and either of them smote down other, horse and all, to the earth,
and either parties rescued other and horsed them again. And Sir Arnold, and
Sir Gauter, knights of the castle, encountered with Sir Brandiles and Sir
Kay, and these four knights encountered mightily, and brake their spears to
their hands. Then came Sir Pertolope from the castle, and there encountered
with him Sir Lionel, and there Sir Pertolope the green knight smote down
Sir Lionel, brother to Sir Launcelot. All this was marked by noble heralds,
who bare him best, and their names. Then Sir Bleobaris brake his spear upon
Sir Gareth, but of that stroke Sir Bleobaris fell to the earth. When Sir
Galihodin saw that, he bad Sir Gareth keep him, and Sir Gareth smote him to
the earth. Then Sir Galihud gat a spear to avenge his brother, and in the
same wise Sir Gareth served him, and Sir Dinadan and his brother La Cote
Male Taile, and Sir Sagramore le Disirous, and Sir Dodinas le Savage; all
these he bare down with one spear. When King Aswisance of Ireland saw Sir
Gareth fare so he marvelled what he might be, that one time seemed green,
and another time, at his again coming, he seemed blue. And thus at every
course that he rode to and fro he changed his color, so that there might
neither king nor knight have ready cognizance of him. Then Sir Agwisance
the King of Ireland encountered with Sir Gareth, and there Sir Gareth smote
him from his horse, saddle and all. And then came King Carados of Scotland,
and Sir Gareth smote him down horse and man. And in the same wise he
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 68

served King Uriens of the land of Gore. And then there came in Six
Bagdemagus, and Sir Gareth smote him down horse and man to the earth. And
Bagdemagus's son Meliganus brake a spear upon Sir Gareth mightily and
knightly. And then Sir Galahault the noble prince cried on high, Knight
with the many colors, well hast thou justed; now make thee ready that I may
just with thee. Sir Gareth heard him, and he gat a great spear, and so they
encountered together, and there the prince brake his spear; but Sir Gareth
smote him upon the left side of the helm, that he reeled here and there,
and he had fallen down had not his men recovered him. Truly, said King
Arthur, that knight with the many colors is a good knight. Wherefore the
king called unto him Sir Launcelot, and prayed him to encounter with that
knight. Sir, said Launcelot, I may as well find in my heart for to forbear
him at this time, for he hath had travail enough this day, and when a good
knight doth so well upon some day, it is no good knight's part to let him
of his worship, and, namely, when he seeth a knight hath done so great
labour; for peradventure, said Sir Launcelot, his quarrel is here this day,
and peradventure he is best beloved with this lady of all that be here, for
I see well he paineth himself and enforceth him to do great deeds, and
therefore, said Sir Launcelot, as for me, this day he shall have the
honour; though it lay in my power to put him from it, I would not.

   There was an unpleasant little episode that day, which for reasons of
state I struck out of my priest's report. You will have noticed that Garry
was doing some great fighting in the engagement. When I say Garry I mean
Sir Gareth. Garry was my private pet name for him; it suggests that I had a
deep affection for him, and that was the case. But it was a private pet
name only, and never spoken aloud to any one, much less to him; being a
noble, he would not have endured a familiarity like that from me. Well, to
proceed: I sat in the private box set apart for me as the king's minister.
While Sir Dinadan was waiting for
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 69

his turn to enter the lists, he came in there and sat down and began to
talk; for he was always making up to me, because I was a stranger and he
liked to have a fresh market for his jokes, the most of them having reached
that stage of wear where the teller has to do the laughing himself while
the other person looks sick. I had always responded to his efforts as well
as I could, and felt a very deep and real kindness for him, too, for the
reason that if by malice of fate he knew the one particular anecdote which
I had heard oftenest and had most hated and most loathed all my life, he
had at least spared it me. It was one which I had heard attributed to every
humorous person who had ever stood on American soil, from Columbus down to
Artemus Ward. It was about a humorous lecturer who flooded an ignorant
audience with the killingest jokes for an hour and never got a laugh; and
then when he was leaving, some gray simpletons wrung him gratefully by the
hand and said it had been the funniest thing they had ever heard, and "it
was all they could do to keep from laughin' right out in meetin'." That
anecdote never saw the day that it was worth the telling; and yet I had sat
under the telling of it hundreds and thousands and millions and billions of
times, and cried and cursed all the way through. Then who can hope to know
what my feelings were, to hear this armor-plated ass start in on it again,
in the murky twilight of tradition, before the dawn of history, while even
Lactantius might be referred to as "the late Lactantius," and the Crusades
wouldn't be born for five hundred years yet? Just as he finished, the
call-boy came; so, haw-hawing like a demon, he went rattling and
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 70

clanking out like a crate of loose castings, and I knew nothing more. It
was some minutes before I came to, and then I opened my eyes just in time
to see Sir Gareth fetch him an awful welt, and I unconsciously out with the
prayer, "I hope to gracious he's killed!" But by ill-luck, before I had got
half through with the words, Sir Gareth crashed into Sir Sagramor le
Desirous and sent him thundering over his horse's crupper, and Sir Sagramor
caught my remark and thought I meant it for him.

   Well, whenever one of those people got a thing into his head, there was
no getting it out again. I knew that, so I saved my breath, and offered no
explanations. As soon as Sir Sagramor got well, he notified me that there
was a little account to settle between us, and he named a day three or four
years in the future; place of settlement, the lists where the offense had
been given. I said I would be ready when he got back. You see, he was going
for the Holy Grail. The boys all took a flier at the Holy Grail now and
then. It was a several years' cruise. They always put in the long absence
snooping around, in the most conscientious way, though none of them had any
idea where the Holy Grail really was, and I don't think any of them
actually expected to find it, or would have known what to do with it if he
had run across it. You see, it was just the Northwest Passage of that day,
as you may say; that was all. Every year expeditions went out holy
grailing, and next year relief expeditions went out to hunt for them. There
was worlds of reputation in it, but no money. Why, they actually wanted me
to put in! Well, I should smile.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 71

                                 Chapter 10

                         BEGINNINGS OF CIVILIZATION

   THE Round Table soon heard of the challenge, and of course it was a good
deal discussed, for such things interested the boys. The king thought I
ought now to set forth in quest of adventures, so that I might gain renown
and be the more worthy to meet Sir Sagramor when the several years should
have rolled away. I excused myself for the present; I said it would take me
three or four years yet to get things well fixed up and going smoothly;
then I should be ready; all the chances were that at the end of that time
Sir Sagramor would still be out grailing, so no valuable time would be lost
by the postponement; I should then have been in office six or seven years,
and I believed my system and machinery would be so well developed that I
could take a holiday without its working any harm.

   I was pretty well satisfied with what I had already accomplished. In
various quiet nooks and corners I had the beginnings of all sorts of
industries under way -- mdash; nuclei of future vast factories, the iron
and steel missionaries of my future civilization. In these were gathered
together the brightest young minds I could find, and I kept agents out
raking the country for more, all the time. I was training a crowd of
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 72

ignorant folk into experts -- mdash; experts in every sort of handiwork and
scientific calling. These nurseries of mine went smoothly and privately
along undisturbed in their obscure country retreats, for nobody was allowed
to come into their precincts without a special permit -- mdash; for I was
afraid of the Church.

   I had started a teacher-factory and a lot of Sunday-schools the first
thing; as a result, I now had an admirable system of graded schools in full
blast in those places, and also a complete variety of Protestant
congregations all in a prosperous and growing condition. Everybody could be
any kind of a Christian he wanted to; there was perfect freedom in that
matter. But I confined public religious teaching to the churches and the
Sunday-schools, permitting nothing of it in my other educational buildings.
I could have given my own sect the preference and made everybody a
Presbyterian without any trouble, but that would have been to affront a law
of human nature: spiritual wants and instincts are as various in the human
family as are physical appetites, complexions, and features, and a man is
only at his best, morally, when he is equipped with the religious garment
whose color and shape and size most nicely accommodate themselves to the
spiritual complexion, angularities, and stature of the individual who wears
it; and, besides, I was afraid of a united Church; it makes a mighty power,
the mightiest conceivable, and then when it by and by gets into selfish
hands, as it is always bound to do, it means death to human liberty and
paralysis to human thought.

   All mines were royal property, and there were a good many of them. They
had formerly been worked
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 73

as savages always work mines -- mdash; holes grubbed in the earth and the
mineral brought up in sacks of hide by hand, at the rate of a ton a day;
but I had begun to put the mining on a scientific basis as early as I
could.

   Yes, I had made pretty handsome progress when Sir Sagramor's challenge
struck me.

   Four years rolled by -- mdash; and then! Well, you would never imagine
it in the world. Unlimited power is the ideal thing when it is in safe
hands. The despotism of heaven is the one absolutely perfect government. An
earthly despotism would be the absolutely perfect earthly government, if
the conditions were the same, namely, the despot the perfectest individual
of the human race, and his lease of life perpetual. But as a perishable
perfect man must die, and leave his despotism in the hands of an imperfect
successor, an earthly despotism is not merely a bad form of government, it
is the worst form that is possible.

   My works showed what a despot could do with the resources of a kingdom
at his command. Unsuspected by this dark land, I had the civilization of
the nineteenth century booming under its very nose! It was fenced away from
the public view, but there it was, a gigantic and unassailable fact --
mdash; and to be heard from, yet, if I lived and had luck. There it was, as
sure a fact and as substantial a fact as any serene volcano, standing
innocent with its smokeless summit in the blue sky and giving no sign of
the rising hell in its bowels. My schools and churches were children four
years before; they were grown-up now; my shops of that day were vast
factories now;
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 74

where I had a dozen trained men then, I had a thousand now; where I had one
brilliant expert then, I had fifty now. I stood with my hand on the cock,
so to speak, ready to turn it on and flood the midnight world with light at
any moment. But I was not going to do the thing in that sudden way. It was
not my policy. The people could not have stood it; and, moreover, I should
have had the Established Roman Catholic Church on my back in a minute.

   No, I had been going cautiously all the while. I had had confidential
agents trickling through the country some time, whose office was to
undermine knighthood by imperceptible degrees, and to gnaw a little at this
and that and the other superstition, and so prepare the way gradually for a
better order of things. I was turning on my light one-candle-power at a
time, and meant to continue to do so.

   I had scattered some branch schools secretly about the kingdom, and they
were doing very well. I meant to work this racket more and more, as time
wore on, if nothing occurred to frighten me. One of my deepest secrets was
my West Point -- mdash; my military academy. I kept that most jealously out
of sight; and I did the same with my naval academy which I had established
at a remote seaport. Both were prospering to my satisfaction.

   Clarence was twenty-two now, and was my head executive, my right hand.
He was a darling; he was equal to anything; there wasn't anything he
couldn't turn his hand to. Of late I had been training him for journalism,
for the time seemed about right for a start in the newspaper line; nothing
big, but just a small weekly for experimental circulation in my
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 75

civilization-nurseries. He took to it like a duck; there was an editor
concealed in him, sure. Already he had doubled himself in one way; he
talked sixth century and wrote nineteenth. His journalistic style was
climbing, steadily; it was already up to the back settlement Alabama mark,
and couldn't be told from the editorial output of that region either by
matter or flavor.

   We had another large departure on hand, too. This was a telegraph and a
telephone; our first venture in this line. These wires were for private
service only, as yet, and must be kept private until a riper day should
come. We had a gang of men on the road, working mainly by night. They were
stringing ground wires; we were afraid to put up poles, for they would
attract too much inquiry. Ground wires were good enough, in both instances,
for my wires were protected by an insulation of my own invention which was
perfect. My men had orders to strike across country, avoiding roads, and
establishing connection with any considerable towns whose lights betrayed
their presence, and leaving experts in charge. Nobody could tell you how to
find any place in the kingdom, for nobody ever went intentionally to any
place, but only struck it by accident in his wanderings, and then generally
left it without thinking to inquire what its name was. At one time and
another we had sent out topographical expeditions to survey and map the
kingdom, but the priests had always interfered and raised trouble. So we
had given the thing up, for the present; it would be poor wisdom to
antagonize the Church.

   As for the general condition of the country, it was
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 76

as it had been when I arrived in it, to all intents and purposes. I had
made changes, but they were necessarily slight, and they were not
noticeable. Thus far, I had not even meddled with taxation, outside of the
taxes which provided the royal revenues. I had systematized those, and put
the service on an effective and righteous basis. As a result, these
revenues were already quadrupled, and yet the burden was so much more
equably distributed than before, that all the kingdom felt a sense of
relief, and the praises of my administration were hearty and general.

   Personally, I struck an interruption, now, but I did not mind it, it
could not have happened at a better time. Earlier it could have annoyed me,
but now everything was in good hands and swimming right along. The king had
reminded me several times, of late, that the postponement I had asked for,
four years before, had about run out now. It was a hint that I ought to be
starting out to seek adventures and get up a reputation of a size to make
me worthy of the honor of breaking a lance with Sir Sagramor, who was still
out grailing, but was being hunted for by various relief expeditions, and
might be found any year, now. So you see I was expecting this interruption;
it did not take me by surprise.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 77

                                 Chapter 11

                    THE YANKEE IN SEARCH OF ADVENTURES.

   THERE never was such a country for wandering liars; and they were of
both sexes. Hardly a month went by without one of these tramps arriving;
and generally loaded with a tale about some princess or other wanting help
to get her out of some far-away castle where she was held in captivity by a
lawless scoundrel, usually a giant. Now you would think that the first
thing the king would do after listening to such a novelette from an entire
stranger, would be to ask for credentials -- mdash; yes, and a pointer or
two as to locality of castle, best route to it, and so on. But nobody ever
thought of so simple and common-sense a thing at that. No, everybody
swallowed these people's lies whole, and never asked a question of any sort
or about anything. Well, one day when I was not around, one of these people
came along -- mdash; it was a she one, this time -- mdash; and told a tale
of the usual pattern. Her mistress was a captive in a vast and gloomy
castle, along with forty-four other young and beautiful girls, pretty much
all of them princesses; they had been languishing in that cruel captivity
for twenty-six years; the masters of the castle were three stupendous
brothers, each with four arms and one eye -- mdash; the eye in the center
of the forehead, and as big as
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 78

a fruit. Sort of fruit not mentioned; their usual slovenliness in
statistics.

   Would you believe it? The king and the whole Round Table were in
raptures over this preposterous opportunity for adventure. Every knight of
the Table jumped for the chance, and begged for it; but to their vexation
and chagrin the king conferred it upon me, who had not asked for it at all.

   By an effort, I contained my joy when Clarence brought me the news. But
he -- mdash; he could not contain his. His mouth gushed delight and
gratitude in a steady discharge -- mdash; delight in my good fortune,
gratitude to the king for this splendid mark of his favor for me. He could
keep neither his legs nor his body still, but pirouetted about the place in
an airy ecstasy of happiness.

   On my side, I could have cursed the kindness that conferred upon me this
benefaction, but I kept my vexation under the surface for policy's sake,
and did what I could to let on to be glad. Indeed, I SAID I was glad. And
in a way it was true; I was as glad as a person is when he is scalped.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 79

   Well, one must make the best of things, and not waste time with useless
fretting, but get down to business and see what can be done. In all lies
there is wheat among the chaff; I must get at the wheat in this case: so I
sent for the girl and she came. She was a comely enough creature, and soft
and modest, but, if signs went for anything, she didn't know as much as a
lady's watch. I said:

   "My dear, have you been questioned as to particulars?"

   She said she hadn't.

   "Well, I didn't expect you had, but I thought I would ask, to make sure;
it's the way I've been raised. Now you mustn't take it unkindly if I remind
you that as we don't know you, we must go a little slow. You may be all
right, of course, and we'll hope that you are; but to take it for granted
isn't business. YOU understand that. I'm obliged to ask you a few
questions; just answer up fair and square, and don't be afraid. Where do
you live, when you are at home?"

   "In the land of Moder, fair sir."

   "Land of Moder. I don't remember hearing of it before. Parents living?"

   "As to that, I know not if they be yet on live, sith it is many years
that I have lain shut up in the castle."

   "Your name, please?"

   "I hight the Demoiselle Alisande la Carteloise, an it please you."

   "Do you know anybody here who can identify you?"

   "That were not likely, fair lord, I being come hither now for the first
time."

   "Have you brought any letters -- mdash; any documents -- mdash; any
proofs that you are trustworthy and truthful?"

   "Of a surety, no; and wherefore should I? Have I not a tongue, and
cannot I say all that myself?"

   "But YOUR saying it, you know, and somebody else's saying it, is
different."

   "Different? How might that be? I fear me I do not understand."

   "Don't understand? Land of -- mdash; why, you see -- mdash; you see --
mdash; why, great Scott, can't you understand a little thing like that?
Can't you understand the difference
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 80

between your -- mdash; whydo you look so innocent and idiotic!"

   "I? In truth I know not, but an it were the will of God."

   "Yes, yes, I reckon that's about the size of it. Don't mind my seeming
excited; I'm not. Let us change the subject. Now as to this castle, with
forty-five princesses in it, and three ogres at the head of it, tell me --
mdash; where is this harem?"

   "Harem?"

   "The castle, you understand; where is the castle?"

   "Oh, as to that, it is great, and strong, and well beseen, and lieth in
a far country. Yes, it is many leagues."

   "how many?"

   "Ah, fair sir, it were woundily hard to tell, they are so many, and do
so lap the one upon the other, and being made all in the same image and
tincted with the same color, one may not know the one league from its
fellow, nor how to count them except they be taken apart, and ye wit well
it were God's work to do that, being not within man's capacity; for ye will
note -- mdash; "

   "Hold on, hold on, never mind about the distance; whereabouts does the
castle lie? What's the direction from here?"

   "Ah, please you sir, it hath no direction from here; by reason that the
road lieth not straight, but turneth evermore; wherefore the direction of
its place abideth not, but is some time under the one sky and anon under
another, whereso if ye be minded that it is in the east, and wend
thitherward, ye shall observe that the way of the road doth yet again turn
upon itself by the
                                  [Image]

       `Great Scott! Can't you understand a little thing like that?'

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 81

space of half a circle, and this marvel happing again and yet again and
still again, it will grieve you that you had thought by vanities of the
mind to thwart and bring to naught the will of Him that giveth not a castle
a direction from a place except it pleaseth Him, and if it please Him not,
will the rather that even all castles and all directions thereunto vanish
out of the earth, leaving the places wherein they tarried desolate and
vacant, so warning His creatures that where He will He will, and where He
will not He -- mdash; "

   "Oh, that's all right, that's all right, give us a rest; never mind
about the direction, hang the direction -- mdash; I beg pardon, I beg a
thousand pardons, I am not well to-day; pay no attention when I
soliloquize, it is an old habit, an old, bad habit, and hard to get rid of
when one's digestion is all disordered with eating food that was raised
forever and ever before he was born; good land! a man can't keep his
functions regular on spring chickens thirteen hundred years old. But come
-- mdash; never mind about that; let's -- mdash; have you got such a thing
as a map of that region about you? Now a good map -- mdash; "

   "Is it peradventure that manner of thing which of late the unbelievers
have brought from over the great seas, which, being boiled in oil, and an
onion and salt added thereto, doth -- mdash; "

   "What, a map? What are you talking about? Don't you know what a map is?
There, there, never mind, don't explain, I hate explanations; they fog a
thing up so that you can't tell anything about it. Run along, dear;
good-day; show her the way, Clarence."

   Oh, well, it was reasonably plain, now, why these
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 82

donkeys didn't prospect these liars for details. It may be that this girl
had a fact in her somewhere, but I don't believe you could have sluiced it
out with a hydraulic; nor got it with the earlier forms of blasting, even;
it was a case for dynamite. Why, she was a perfect ass; and yet the king
and his knights had listened to her as if she had been a leaf out of the
gospel. It kind of sizes up the whole party. And think of the simple ways
of this court: this wandering wench hadn't any more trouble to get access
to the king in his palace than she would have had to get into the poorhouse
in my day and country. In fact, he was glad to see her, glad to hear her
tale; with that adventure of hers to offer, she was as welcome as a corpse
is to a coroner.

   Just as I was ending-up these reflections, Clarence came back. I
remarked upon the barren result of my efforts with the girl; hadn't got
hold of a single point that could help me to find the castle. The youth
looked a little surprised, or puzzled, or something, and intimated that he
had been wondering to himself what I had wanted to ask the girl all those
questions for.

   "Why, great guns," I said, "don't I want to find the castle? And how
else would I go about it?"

   "La, sweet your worship, one may lightly answer that, I ween. She will
go with thee. They always do. She will ride with thee."

   "Ride with me? Nonsense!"

   "But of a truth she will. She will ride with thee. Thou shalt see."

   "What? She browse around the hills and scour the woods with me -- mdash;
alone -- mdash; and I as good as engaged to
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 83

be married? Why, it's scandalous. Think how it would look."

   My, the dear face that rose before me! The boy was eager to know all
about this tender matter. I swore him to secresy and then whispered her
name -- mdash; "Puss Flanagan." He looked disappointed, and said he didn't
remember the countess. How natural it was for the little courtier to give
her a rank. He asked me where she lived.

   "In East Har -- mdash; " I came to myself and stopped, a little
confused; then I said, "Never mind, now; I'll tell you some time."

   And might he see her? Would I let him see her some day?

   It was but a little thing to promise -- mdash; thirteen hundred years or
so -- mdash; and he so eager; so I said Yes. But I sighed; I couldn't help
it. And yet there was no sense in sighing, for she wasn't born yet. But
that is the way we are made: we don't reason, where we feel; we just feel.

   My expedition was all the talk that day and that night, and the boys
were very good to me, and made much of me, and seemed to have forgotten
their vexation and disappointment, and come to be as anxious for me to hive
those ogres and set those ripe old virgins loose as if it were themselves
that had the contract. Well, they were good children -- mdash; but just
children, that is all. And they gave me no end of points about how to scout
for giants, and how to scoop them in; and they told me all sorts of charms
against enchantments, and gave me salves and other rubbish to put on my
wounds. But it never occurred to one of them to reflect that if I was such
a wonderful necromancer as I was pretending
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 84

to be, I ought not to need salves or instructions, or charms against
enchantments, and, least of all, arms and armor, on a foray of any kind --
mdash; even against fire-spouting dragons, and devils hot from perdition,
let alone such poor adversaries as these I was after, these commonplace
ogres of the back settlements.

   I was to have an early breakfast, and start at dawn, for that was the
usual way; but I had the demon's own time with my armor, and this delayed
me a little. It is troublesome to get into, and there is so much detail.
First you wrap a layer or two of blanket around your body, for a sort of
cushion and to keep off the cold iron; then you put on your sleeves and
shirt of chain mail -- mdash; these are made of small steel links woven
together, and they form a fabric so flexible that if you toss your shirt
onto the floor, it slumps into a pile like a peck of wet fish-net; it is
very heavy and is nearly the uncomfortablest material in the world for a
night shirt, yet plenty used it for that -- mdash; tax collectors, and
reformers, and one-horse kings with a defective title, and those sorts of
people; then you put on your shoes -- mdash; flat-boats roofed over with
interleaving bands of steel -- mdash; and screw your clumsy spurs into the
heels. Next you buckle your greaves on your legs, and your cuisses on your
thighs; then come your backplate and your breastplate, and you begin to
feel crowded; then you hitch onto the breastplate the half-petticoat of
broad overlapping bands of steel which hangs down in front but is scolloped
out behind so you can sit down, and isn't any real improvement on an
inverted coal scuttle, either for looks or for wear, or to wipe your hands
on; next you belt on your sword; then you put your stove-pipe joints
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 85

onto your arms, your iron gauntlets onto your hands, your iron rat-trap
onto your head, with a rag of steel web hitched onto it to hang over the
back of your neck -- mdash; and there you are, snug as a candle in a
candle-mould. This is no time to dance. Well, a man that is packed away
like that is a nut that isn't worth the cracking, there is so little of the
meat, when you get down to it, by comparison with the shell.

   The boys helped me, or I never could have got in. Just as we finished,
Sir Bedivere happened in, and I saw that as like as not I hadn't chosen the
most convenient outfit for a long trip. How stately he looked; and tall and
broad and grand. He had on his head a conical steel casque that only came
down to his ears, and for visor had only a narrow steel bar that extended
down to his upper lip and protected his nose; and all the rest of him, from
neck to heel, was flexible chain mail, trousers and all. But pretty much
all of him was hidden under his outside garment, which of course was of
chain mail, as I said, and hung straight from his shoulders to his ankles;
and from his middle to the bottom, both before and behind, was divided, so
that he could ride and let the skirts hang down on each side. He was going
grailing, and it was just the outfit for it, too. I would have given a good
deal for that ulster, but it was too late now to be fooling around. The sun
was just up, the king and the court were all on hand to see me off and wish
me luck; so it wouldn't be etiquette for me to tarry. You don't get on your
horse yourself; no, if you tried it you would get disappointed. They carry
you out, just as they carry a sun-struck man to the drug store, and put you
on, and help get you to rights, and fix your feet
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 86

in the stirrups; and all the while you do feel so strange and stuffy and
like somebody else -- mdash; like somebody that has been married on a
sudden, or struck by lightning, or something like that, and hasn't quite
fetched around yet, and is sort of numb, and can't just get his bearings.
Then they stood up the mast they called a spear, in its socket by my left
foot, and I gripped it with my hand; lastly they hung my shield around my
neck, and I was all complete and ready to up anchor and get to sea.
Everybody was as good to me as they could be, and a maid of honor gave me
the stirrup-cup her own self. There was nothing more to do now, but for
that damsel to get up behind me on a pillion, which she did, and put an arm
or so around me to hold on.

   And so we started, and everybody gave us a goodbye and waved their
handkerchiefs or helmets. And everybody we met, going down the hill and
through the village was respectful to us, except some shabby little boys on
the outskirts. They said:

   "Oh, what a guy!" And hove clods at us.

   In my experience boys are the same in all ages. They don't respect
anything, they don't care for anything or anybody. They say "Go up,
baldhead" to the prophet going his unoffending way in the gray of
antiquity; they sass me in the holy gloom of the Middle Ages; and I had
seen them act the same way in Buchanan's administration; I remember,
because I was there and helped. The prophet had his bears and settled with
his boys; and I wanted to get down and settle with mine, but it wouldn't
answer, because I couldn't have got up again. I hate a country without a
derrick.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 87

                                 Chapter 12

                                SLOW TORTURE

   STRAIGHT off, we were in the country. It was most lovely and pleasant in
those sylvan solitudes in the early cool morning in the first freshness of
autumn. From hilltops we saw fair green valleys lying spread out below,
with streams winding through them, and island groves of trees here and
there, and huge lonely oaks scattered about and casting black blots of
shade; and beyond the valleys we saw the ranges of hills, blue with haze,
stretching away in billowy perspective to the horizon, with at wide
intervals a dim fleck of white or gray on a wave-summit, which we knew was
a castle. We crossed broad natural lawns sparkling with dew, and we moved
like spirits, the cushioned turf giving out no sound of footfall; we
dreamed along through glades in a mist of green light that got its tint
from the sun-drenched roof of leaves overhead, and by our feet the clearest
and coldest of runlets went frisking and gossiping over its reefs and
making a sort of whispering music, comfortable to hear; and at times we
left the world behind and entered into the solemn great deeps and rich
gloom of the forest, where furtive wild things whisked and scurried by and
were gone before you could even get your eye on the place where the noise
was; and where
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 88

only the earliest birds were turning out and getting to business with a
song here and a quarrel yonder and a mysterious faroff hammering and
drumming for worms on a tree trunk away somewhere in the impenetrable
remotenesses of the woods. And by and by out we would swing again into the
glare.

   About the third or fourth or fifth time that we swung out into the glare
-- mdash; it was along there somewhere, a couple of hours or so after
sun-up -- mdash; it wasn't as pleasant as it had been. It was beginning to
get hot. This was quite noticeable. We had a very long pull, after that,
without any shade. Now it is curious how progressively little frets grow
and multiply after they once get a start. Things which I didn't mind at
all, at first, I began to mind now -- mdash; and more and more, too, all
the time. The first ten or fifteen times I wanted my handkerchief I didn't
seem to care; I got along, and said never mind, it isn't any matter, and
dropped it out of my mind. But now it was different; I wanted it all the
time; it was nag, nag, nag, right along, and no rest; I couldn't get it out
of my mind; and so at last I lost my temper and said hang a man that would
make a suit of armor without any pockets in it. You see I had my
handkerchief in my helmet; and some other things; but it was that kind of a
helmet that you can't take off by yourself. That hadn't occurred to me when
I put it there; and in fact I didn't know it. I supposed it would be
particularly convenient there. And so now, the thought of its being there,
so handy and close by, and yet not get-at-able, made it all the worse and
the harder to bear. Yes, the thing that you can't get is the thing that you
want, mainly;
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 89

every one has noticed that. Well, it took my mind off from everything else;
took it clear off, and centered it in my helmet; and mile after mile, there
it stayed, imagining the handkerchief, picturing the handkerchief; and it
was bitter and aggravating to have the salt sweat keep trickling down into
my eyes, and I couldn't get at it. It seems like a little thing, on paper,
but it was not a little thing at all; it was the most real kind of misery.
I would not say it if it was not so. I made up my mind that I would carry
along a reticule next time, let it look how it might, and people say what
they would. Of course these iron dudes of the Round Table would think it
was scandalous, and maybe raise Sheol about it, but as for me, give me
comfort first, and style afterwards. So we jogged along, and now and then
we struck a stretch of dust, and it would tumble up in clouds and get into
my nose and make me sneeze and cry; and of course I said things I oughtn't
to have said, I don't deny that. I am not better than others.

   We couldn't seem to meet anybody in this lonesome Britain, not even an
ogre; and, in the mood I was in then, it was well for the ogre; that is, an
ogre with a handkerchief. Most knights would have thought of nothing but
getting his armor; but so I got his bandanna, he could keep his hardware,
for all of me.

   Meantime, it was getting hotter and hotter in there. You see, the sun
was beating down and warming up the iron more and more all the time. Well,
when you are hot, that way, every little thing irritates you. When I
trotted, I rattled like a crate of dishes, and that annoyed me; and
moreover I couldn't seem to stand that shield slatting and banging, now
about my
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 90

breast, now around my back; and if I dropped into a walk my joints creaked
and screeched in that wearisome way that a wheelbarrow does, and as we
didn't create any breeze at that gait, I was like to get fried in that
stove; and besides, the quieter you went the heavier the iron settled down
on you and the more and more tons you seemed to weigh every minute. And you
had to be always changing hands, and passing your spear over to the other
foot, it got so irksome for one hand to hold it long at a time.

   Well, you know, when you perspire that way, in rivers, there comes a
time when you -- mdash; when you -- mdash; well, when you itch. You are
inside, your hands are outside; so there you are; nothing but iron between.
It is not a light thing, let it sound as it may. First it is one place;
then another; then some more; and it goes on spreading and spreading, and
at last the territory is all occupied, and nobody can imagine what you feel
like, nor how unpleasant it is. And when it had got to the worst, and it
seemed to me that I could not stand anything more, a fly got in through the
bars and settled on my nose, and the bars were stuck and wouldn't work, and
I couldn't get the visor up; and I could only shake my head, which was
baking hot by this time, and the fly -- mdash; well, you know how a fly
acts when he has got a certainty -- mdash; he only minded the shaking
enough to change from nose to lip, and lip to ear, and buzz and buzz all
around in there, and keep on lighting and biting, in a way that a person,
already so distressed as I was, simply could not stand. So I gave in, and
got Alisande to unship the helmet and relieve me of it. Then she emptied
the conveniences out of it and fetched it full of
                                  [Image]

          She continued to fetch and pour until I was well soaked

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 91

water, and I drank and then stood up, and she poured the rest down inside
the armor. One cannot think how refreshing it was. She continued to fetch
and pour until I was well soaked and thoroughly comfortable.

   It was good to have a rest -- mdash; and peace. But nothing is quite
perfect in this life, at any time. I had made a pipe a while back, and also
some pretty fair tobacco; not the real thing, but what some of the Indians
use: the inside bark of the willow, dried. These comforts had been in the
helmet, and now I had them again, but no matches.

   Gradually, as the time wore along, one annoying fact was borne in upon
my understanding -- mdash; that we were weather-bound. An armed novice
cannot mount his horse without help and plenty of it. Sandy was not enough;
not enough for me, anyway. We had to wait until somebody should come along.
Waiting, in silence, would have been agreeable enough, for I was full of
matter for reflection, and wanted to give it a chance to work. I wanted to
try and think out how it was that rational or even half-rational men could
ever have learned to wear armor, considering its inconveniences; and how
they had managed to keep up such a fashion for generations when it was
plain that what I had suffered to-day they had had to suffer all the days
of their lives. I wanted to think that out; and moreover I wanted to think
out some way to reform this evil and persuade the people to let the foolish
fashion die out; but thinking was out of the question in the circumstances.
You couldn't think, where Sandy was.

   She was a quite biddable creature and good-hearted, but she had a flow
of talk that was as
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 92

steady as a mill, and made your head sore like the drays and wagons in a
city. If she had had a cork she would have been a comfort. But you can't
cork that kind; they would die. Her clack was going all day, and you would
think something would surely happen to her works, by and by; but no, they
never got out of order; and she never had to slack up for words. She could
grind, and pump, and churn, and buzz by the week, and never stop to oil up
or blow out. And yet the result was just nothing but wind. She never had
any ideas, any more than a fog has. She was a perfect blatherskite; I mean
for jaw, jaw, jaw, talk, talk, talk, jabber, jabber, jabber; but just as
good as she could be. I hadn't minded her mill that morning, on account of
having that hornets' nest of other troubles; but more than once in the
afternoon I had to say:

   "Take a rest, child; the way you are using up all the domestic air, the
kingdom will have to go to importing it by to-morrow, and it's a low enough
treasury without that."

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 93

                                 Chapter 13

                                  FREEMEN

   YES, it is strange how little a while at a time a person can be
contented. Only a little while back, when I was riding and suffering, what
a heaven this peace, this rest, this sweet serenity in this secluded shady
nook by this purling stream would have seemed, where I could keep perfectly
comfortable all the time by pouring a dipper of water into my armor now and
then; yet already I was getting dissatisfied; partly because I could not
light my pipe -- mdash; for, although I had long ago started a match
factory, I had forgotten to bring matches with me -- mdash; and partly
because we had nothing to eat. Here was another illustration of the
childlike improvidence of this age and people. A man in armor always
trusted to chance for his food on a journey, and would have been
scandalized at the idea of hanging a basket of sandwiches on his spear.
There was probably not a knight of all the Round Table combination who
would not rather have died than been caught carrying such a thing as that
on his flagstaff. And yet there could not be anything more sensible. It had
been my intention to smuggle a couple of sandwiches into my helmet, but I
was interrupted in the act, and had to make an excuse and lay them aside,
and a dog got them.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 94

   Night approached, and with it a storm. The darkness came on fast. We
must camp, of course. I found a good shelter for the demoiselle under a
rock, and went off and found another for myself. But I was obliged to
remain in my armor, because I could not get it off by myself and yet could
not allow Alisande to help, because it would have seemed so like undressing
before folk. It would not have amounted to that in reality, because I had
clothes on underneath; but the prejudices of one's breeding are not gotten
rid of just at a jump, and I knew that when it came to stripping off that
bob-tailed iron petticoat I should be embarrassed.

   With the storm came a change of weather; and the stronger the wind blew,
and the wilder the rain lashed around, the colder and colder it got. Pretty
soon, various kinds of bugs and ants and worms and things began to flock in
out of the wet and crawl down inside my armor to get warm; and while some
of them behaved well enough, and snuggled up amongst my clothes and got
quiet, the majority were of a restless, uncomfortable sort, and never
stayed still, but went on prowling and hunting for they did not know what;
especially the ants, which went tickling along in wearisome procession from
one end of me to the other by the hour, and are a kind of creatures which I
never wish to sleep with again. It would be my advice to persons situated
in this way, to not roll or thrash around, because this excites the
interest of all the different sorts of animals and makes every last one of
them want to turn out and see what is going on, and this makes things worse
than they were before, and of course makes you objurgate harder, too, if
you can.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 95

Still, if one did not roll and thrash around he would die; so perhaps it is
as well to do one way as the other; there is no real choice. Even after I
was frozen solid I could still distinguish that tickling, just as a corpse
does when he is taking electric treatment. I said I would never wear armor
after this trip.

   All those trying hours whilst I was frozen and yet was in a living fire,
as you may say, on account of that swarm of crawlers, that same
unanswerable question kept circling and circling through my tired head: How
do people stand this miserable armor? How have they managed to stand it all
these generations? How can they sleep at night for dreading the tortures of
next day?

   When the morning came at last, I was in a bad enough plight: seedy,
drowsy, fagged, from want of sleep; weary from thrashing around, famished
from long fasting; pining for a bath, and to get rid of the animals; and
crippled with rheumatism. And how had it fared with the nobly born, the
titled aristocrat, the Demoiselle Alisande la Carteloise? Why, she was as
fresh as a squirrel; she had slept like the dead; and as for a bath,
probably neither she nor any other noble in the land had ever had one, and
so she was not missing it. Measured by modern standards, they were merely
modified savages, those people. This noble lady showed no impatience to get
to breakfast -- mdash; and that smacks of the savage, too. On their
journeys those Britons were used to long fasts, and knew how to bear them;
and also how to freight up against probable fasts before starting, after
the style of the Indian and the anaconda. As like as not, Sandy was loaded
for a three-day stretch.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 96

   We were off before sunrise, Sandy riding and I limping along behind. In
half an hour we came upon a group of ragged poor creatures who had
assembled to mend the thing which was regarded as a road. They were as
humble as animals to me; and when I proposed to breakfast with them, they
were so flattered, so overwhelmed by this extraordinary condescension of
mine that at first they were not able to believe that I was in earnest. My
lady put up her scornful lip and withdrew to one side; she said in their
hearing that she would as soon think of eating with the other cattle --
mdash; a remark which embarrassed these poor devils merely because it
referred to them, and not because it insulted or offended them, for it
didn't. And yet they were not slaves, not chattels. By a sarcasm of law and
phrase they were freemen. Seven-tenths of the free population of the
country were of just their class and degree: small "independent" farmers,
artisans, etc.; which is to say, they were the nation, the actual Nation;
they were about all of it that was useful, or worth saving, or really
respect-worthy, and to subtract them would have been to subtract the Nation
and leave behind some dregs, some refuse, in the shape of a king, nobility
and gentry, idle, unproductive, acquainted mainly with the arts of wasting
and destroying, and of no sort of use or value in any rationally
constructed world. And yet, by ingenious contrivance, this gilded minority,
instead of being in the tail of the procession where it belonged, was
marching head up and banners flying, at the other end of it; had elected
itself to be the Nation, and these innumerable clams had permitted it so
long that they had come at last to accept it as a truth; and not
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 97

only that, but to believe it right and as it should be. The priests had
told their fathers and themselves that this ironical state of things was
ordained of God; and so, not reflecting upon how unlike God it would be to
amuse himself with sarcasms, and especially such poor transparent ones as
this, they had dropped the matter there and become respectfully quiet.

   The talk of these meek people had a strange enough sound in a formerly
American ear. They were freemen, but they could not leave the estates of
their lord or their bishop without his permission; they could not prepare
their own bread, but must have their corn ground and their bread baked at
his mill and his bakery, and pay roundly for the same; they could not sell
a piece of their own property without paying him a handsome percentage of
the proceeds, nor buy a piece of somebody else's without remembering him in
cash for the privilege; they had to harvest his grain for him gratis, and
be ready to come at a moment's notice, leaving their own crop to
destruction by the threatened storm; they had to let him plant fruit trees
in their fields, and then keep their indignation to themselves when his
heedless fruit-gatherers trampled the grain around the trees; they had to
smother their anger when his hunting parties galloped through their fields
laying waste the result of their patient toil; they were not allowed to
keep doves themselves, and when the swarms from my lord's dovecote settled
on their crops they must not lose their temper and kill a bird, for awful
would the penalty be; when the harvest was at last gathered, then came the
procession of robbers to levy their blackmail upon it: first the Church
carted off its fat
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 98

tenth, then the king's commissioner took his twentieth, then my lord's
people made a mighty inroad upon the remainder; after which, the skinned
freeman had liberty to bestow the remnant in his barn, in case it was worth
the trouble; there were taxes, and taxes, and taxes, and more taxes, and
taxes again, and yet other taxes -- mdash; upon this free and independent
pauper, but none upon his lord the baron or the bishop, none upon the
wasteful nobility or the all-devouring Church; if the baron would sleep
unvexed, the freeman must sit up all night after his day's work and whip
the ponds to keep the frogs quiet; if the freeman's daughter -- mdash; but
no, that last infamy of monarchical government is unprintable; and finally,
if the freeman, grown desperate with his tortures, found his life
unendurable under such conditions, and sacrificed it and fled to death for
mercy and refuge, the gentle Church condemned him to eternal fire, the
gentle law buried him at midnight at the cross-roads with a stake through
his back, and his master the baron or the bishop confiscated all his
property and turned his widow and his orphans out of doors.

   And here were these freemen assembled in the early morning to work on
their lord the bishop's road three days each -- mdash; gratis; every head
of a family, and every son of a family, three days each, gratis, and a day
or so added for their servants. Why, it was like reading about France and
the French, before the ever memorable and blessed Revolution, which swept a
thousand years of such villany away in one swift tidal-wave of blood --
mdash; one: a settlement of that hoary debt in the proportion of half a
drop of blood for each hogshead of it that had been pressed by slow
tortures
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 99

out of that people in the weary stretch of ten centuries of wrong and shame
and misery the like of which was not to be mated but in hell. There were
two "Reigns of Terror," if we would but remember it and consider it; the
one wrought murder in hot passion, the other in heartless cold blood; the
one lasted mere months, the other had lasted a thousand years; the one
inflicted death upon ten thousand persons, the other upon a hundred
millions; but our shudders are all for the "horrors" of the minor Terror,
the momentary Terror, so to speak; whereas, what is the horror of swift
death by the axe, compared with lifelong death from hunger, cold, insult,
cruelty, and heart-break? What is swift death by lightning compared with
death by slow fire at the stake? A city cemetery could contain the coffins
filled by that brief Terror which we have all been so diligently taught to
shiver at and mourn over; but all France could hardly contain the coffins
filled by that older and real Terror -- mdash; that unspeakably bitter and
awful Terror which none of us has been taught to see in its vastness or
pity as it deserves.

   These poor ostensible freemen who were sharing their breakfast and their
talk with me, were as full of humble reverence for their king and Church
and nobility as their worst enemy could desire. There was something
pitifully ludicrous about it. I asked them if they supposed a nation of
people ever existed, who, with a free vote in every man's hand, would elect
that a single family and its descendants should reign over it forever,
whether gifted or boobies, to the exclusion of all other families -- mdash;
including the voter's; and would also elect that a certain hundred
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 100

families should be raised to dizzy summits of rank, and clothed on with
offensive transmissible glories and privileges to the exclusion of the rest
of the nation's families -- mdash; including his own.

   They all looked unhit, and said they didn't know; that they had never
thought about it before, and it hadn't ever occurred to them that a nation
could be so situated that every man could have a say in the government. I
said I had seen one -- mdash; and that it would last until it had an
Established Church. Again they were all unhit -- mdash; at first. But
presently one man looked up and asked me to state that proposition again;
and state it slowly, so it could soak into his understanding. I did it; and
after a little he had the idea, and he brought his fist down and said HE
didn't believe a nation where every man had a vote would voluntarily get
down in the mud and dirt in any such way; and that to steal from a nation
its will and preference must be a crime and the first of all crimes. I said
to myself:

   "This one's a man. If I were backed by enough of his sort, I would make
a strike for the welfare of this country, and try to prove myself its
loyalest citizen by making a wholesome change in its system of government."

   You see my kind of loyalty was loyalty to one's country, not to its
institutions or its office-holders. The country is the real thing, the
substantial thing, the eternal thing; it is the thing to watch over, and
care for, and be loyal to; institutions are extraneous, they are its mere
clothing, and clothing can wear out, become ragged, cease to be
comfortable, cease to
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 101

protect the body from winter, disease, and death. To be loyal to rags, to
shout for rags, to worship rags, to die for rags -- mdash; that is a
loyalty of unreason, it is pure animal; it belongs to monarchy, was
invented by monarchy; let monarchy keep it. I was from Connecticut, whose
Constitution declares "that all political power is inherent in the people,
and all free governments are founded on their authority and instituted for
their benefit; and that they have at all times an undeniable and
indefeasible right to alter their form of government in such a manner as
they may think expedient."

   Under that gospel, the citizen who thinks he sees that the
commonwealth's political clothes are worn out, and yet holds his peace and
does not agitate for a new suit, is disloyal; he is a traitor. That he may
be the only one who thinks he sees this decay, does not excuse him; it is
his duty to agitate anyway, and it is the duty of the others to vote him
down if they do not see the matter as he does.

   And now here I was, in a country where a right to say how the country
should be governed was restricted to six persons in each thousand of its
population. For the nine hundred and ninety-four to express dissatisfaction
with the regnant system and propose to change it, would have made the whole
six shudder as one man, it would have been so disloyal, so dishonorable,
such putrid black treason. So to speak, I was become a stockholder in a
corporation where nine hundred and ninety-four of the members furnished all
the money and did all the work, and the other six elected themselves a
permanent board of direction and took all the dividends. It seemed to me
that
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 102

what the nine hundred and ninety-four dupes needed was a new deal. The
thing that would have best suited the circus side of my nature would have
been to resign the Boss-ship and get up an insurrection and turn it into a
revolution; but I knew that the Jack Cade or the Wat Tyler who tries such a
thing without first educating his materials up to revolution grade is
almost absolutely certain to get left. I had never been accustomed to
getting left, even if I do say it myself. Wherefore, the "deal" which had
been for some time working into shape in my mind was of a quite different
pattern from the Cade-Tyler sort.

   So I did not talk blood and insurrection to that man there who sat
munching black bread with that abused and mistaught herd of human sheep,
but took him aside and talked matter of another sort to him. After I had
finished, I got him to lend me a little ink from his veins; and with this
and a sliver I wrote on a piece of bark -- mdash;

    Put him in the Man-factory -- mdash;

   and gave it to him, and said:

   "Take it to the palace at Camelot and give it into the hands of Amyas le
Poulet, whom I call Clarence, and he will understand."

   "He is a priest, then," said the man, and some of the enthusiasm went
out of his face.

   "How -- mdash; a priest? Didn't I tell you that no chattel of the
Church, no bond-slave of pope or bishop can enter my Man-Factory? Didn't I
tell you that YOU couldn't enter unless your religion, whatever it might
be, was your own free property?"

   "Marry, it is so, and for that I was glad; wherefore
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 103

it liked me not, and bred in me a cold doubt, to hear of this priest being
there."

   "But he isn't a priest, I tell you."

   The man looked far from satisfied. He said:

   "He is not a priest, and yet can read?"

   "He is not a priest and yet can read -- mdash; yes, and write, too, for
that matter. I taught him myself." The man's face cleared. "And it is the
first thing that you yourself will be taught in that Factory -- mdash; "

   "I? I would give blood out of my heart to know that art. Why, I will be
your slave, your -- mdash; "

   "No you won't, you won't be anybody's slave. Take your family and go
along. Your lord the bishop will confiscate your small property, but no
matter. Clarence will fix you all right."

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 104

                                 Chapter 14

                            "DEFEND THEE, LORD"

   I PAID three pennies for my breakfast, and a most extravagant price it
was, too, seeing that one could have breakfasted a dozen persons for that
money; but I was feeling good by this time, and I had always been a kind of
spendthrift anyway; and then these people had wanted to give me the food
for nothing, scant as their provision was, and so it was a grateful
pleasure to emphasize my appreciation and sincere thankfulness with a good
big financial lift where the money would do so much more good than it would
in my helmet, where, these pennies being made of iron and not stinted in
weight, my half-dollar's worth was a good deal of a burden to me. I spent
money rather too freely in those days, it is true; but one reason for it
was that I hadn't got the proportions of things entirely adjusted, even
yet, after so long a sojourn in Britain -- mdash; hadn't got along to where
I was able to absolutely realize that a penny in Arthur's land and a couple
of dollars in Connecticut were about one and the same thing: just twins, as
you may say, in purchasing power. If my start from Camelot could have been
delayed a very few days I could have paid these people in beautiful new
coins from our own mint, and that would have pleased me; and them, too, not
less.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 105

I had adopted the American values exclusively. In a week or two now, cents,
nickels, dimes, quarters, and half-dollars, and also a trifle of gold,
would be trickling in thin but steady streams all through the commercial
veins of the kingdom, and I looked to see this new blood freshen up its
life.

   The farmers were bound to throw in something, to sort of offset my
liberality, whether I would or no; so I let them give me a flint and steel;
and as soon as they had comfortably bestowed Sandy and me on our horse, I
lit my pipe. When the first blast of smoke shot out through the bars of my
helmet, all those people broke for the woods, and Sandy went over backwards
and struck the ground with a dull thud. They thought I was one of those
fire-belching dragons they had heard so much about from knights and other
professional liars. I had infinite trouble to persuade those people to
venture back within explaining distance. Then I told them that this was
only a bit of enchantment which would work harm to none but my enemies. And
I promised, with my hand on my heart, that if all who felt no enmity toward
me would come forward and pass before me they should see that only those
who remained behind would be struck dead. The procession moved with a good
deal of promptness. There were no casualties to report, for nobody had
curiosity enough to remain behind to see what would happen.

   I lost some time, now, for these big children, their fears gone, became
so ravished with wonder over my awe-compelling fireworks that I had to stay
there and smoke a couple of pipes out before they would let me go. Still
the delay was not wholly unproductive, for
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 106

it took all that time to get Sandy thoroughly wonted to the new thing, she
being so close to it, you know. It plugged up her conversation mill, too,
for a considerable while, and that was a gain. But above all other benefits
accruing, I had learned something. I was ready for any giant or any ogre
that might come along, now.

   We tarried with a holy hermit, that night, and my opportunity came about
the middle of the next afternoon. We were crossing a vast meadow by way of
short-cut, and I was musing absently, hearing nothing, seeing nothing, when
Sandy suddenly interrupted a remark which she had begun that morning, with
the cry:

   "Defend thee, lord! -- mdash; peril of life is toward!"

   And she slipped down from the horse and ran a little way and stood. I
looked up and saw, far off in the shade of a tree, half a dozen armed
knights and their squires; and straightway there was bustle among them and
tightening of saddle-girths for the mount. My pipe was ready and would have
been lit, if I had not been lost in thinking about how to banish oppression
from this land and restore to all its people their stolen rights and
manhood without disobliging anybody. I lit up at once, and by the time I
had got a good head of reserved steam on, here they came. All together,
too; none of those chivalrous magnanimities which one reads so much about
-- mdash; one courtly rascal at a time, and the rest standing by to see
fair play. No, they came in a body, they came with a whirr and a rush, they
came like a volley from a battery; came with heads low down, plumes
streaming out behind, lances advanced at a level. It was a handsome sight,
                                  [Image]

                They came in a body, they came with a whirr

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 107

a beautiful sight -- mdash; for a man up a tree. I laid my lance in rest
and waited, with my heart beating, till the iron wave was just ready to
break over me, then spouted a column of white smoke through the bars of my
helmet. You should have seen the wave go to pieces and scatter! This was a
finer sight than the other one.

   But these people stopped, two or three hundred yards away, and this
troubled me. My satisfaction collapsed, and fear came; I judged I was a
lost man. But Sandy was radiant; and was going to be eloquent -- mdash; but
I stopped her, and told her my magic had miscarried, somehow or other, and
she must mount, with all despatch, and we must ride for life. No, she
wouldn't. She said that my enchantment had disabled those knights; they
were not riding on, because they couldn't; wait, they would drop out of
their saddles presently, and we would get their horses and harness. I could
not deceive such trusting simplicity, so I said it was a mistake; that when
my fireworks killed at all, they killed instantly; no, the men would not
die, there was something wrong about my apparatus, I couldn't tell what;
but we must hurry and get away, for those people would attack us again, in
a minute. Sandy laughed, and said:

   "Lack-a-day, sir, they be not of that breed! Sir Launcelot will give
battle to dragons, and will abide by them, and will assail them again, and
yet again, and still again, until he do conquer and destroy them; and so
likewise will Sir Pellinore and Sir Aglovale and Sir Carados, and mayhap
others, but there be none else that will venture it, let the idle say what
the idle will. And, la, as to yonder base rufflers, think ye they have not
their fill, but yet desire more?"
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 108

   "Well, then, what are they waiting for? Why don't they leave? Nobody's
hindering. Good land, I'm willing to let bygones be bygones, I'm sure."

   "Leave, is it? Oh, give thyself easement as to that. They dream not of
it, no, not they. They wait to yield them."

   "Come -- mdash; really, is that 'sooth' -- mdash; as you people say? If
they want to, why don't they?"

   "It would like them much; but an ye wot how dragons are esteemed, ye
would not hold them blamable. They fear to come."

   "Well, then, suppose I go to them instead, and -- mdash; "

   "Ah, wit ye well they would not abide your coming. I will go."

   And she did. She was a handy person to have along on a raid. I would
have considered this a doubtful errand, myself. I presently saw the knights
riding away, and Sandy coming back. That was a relief. I judged she had
somehow failed to get the first innings -- mdash; I mean in the
conversation; otherwise the interview wouldn't have been so short. But it
turned out that she had managed the business well; in fact, admirably. She
said that when she told those people I was The Boss, it hit them where they
lived: "smote them sore with fear and dread" was her word; and then they
were ready to put up with anything she might require. So she swore them to
appear at Arthur's court within two days and yield them, with horse and
harness, and be my knights henceforth, and subject to my command. How much
better she managed that thing than I should have done it myself! She was a
daisy.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 109

                                 Chapter 15

                                SANDY'S TALE

   AND so I'm proprietor of some knights," said I, as we rode off. "Who
would ever have supposed that I should live to list up assets of that sort.
I shan't know what to do with them; unless I raffle them off. How many of
them are there, Sandy?"

   "Seven, please you, sir, and their squires."

   "It is a good haul. Who are they? Where do they hang out?"

   "Where do they hang out?"

   "Yes, where do they live?"

   "Ah, I understood thee not. That will I tell eftsoons." Then she said
musingly, and softly, turning the words daintily over her tongue: "Hang
they out -- mdash; hang they out -- mdash; where hang -- mdash; where do
they hang out; eh, right so; where do they hang out. Of a truth the phrase
hath a fair and winsome grace, and is prettily worded withal. I will repeat
it anon and anon in mine idlesse, whereby I may peradventure learn it.
Where do they hang out. Even so! already it falleth trippingly from my
tongue, and forasmuch as -- mdash; "

   "Don't forget the cowboys, Sandy."

   "Cowboys?"

   "Yes; the knights, you know: You were going to
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 110

tell me about them. A while back, you remember. Figuratively speaking,
game's called."

   "Game -- mdash; "

   "Yes, yes, yes! Go to the bat. I mean, get to work on your statistics,
and don't burn so much kindling getting your fire started. Tell me about
the knights."

   "I will well, and lightly will begin. So they two departed and rode into
a great forest. And -- mdash; "

   "Great Scott!"

   You see, I recognized my mistake at once. I had set her works a-going;
it was my own fault; she would be thirty days getting down to those facts.
And she generally began without a preface and finished without a result. If
you interrupted her she would either go right along without noticing, or
answer with a couple of words, and go back and say the sentence over again.
So, interruptions only did harm; and yet I had to interrupt, and interrupt
pretty frequently, too, in order to save my life; a person would die if he
let her monotony drip on him right along all day.

   "Great Scott! " I said in my distress. She went right back and began
over again:

   "So they two departed and rode into a great forest. And -- mdash; "

   "WHICH two?"

   "Sir Gawaine and Sir Uwaine. And so they came to an abbey of monks, and
there were well lodged. So on the morn they heard their masses in the
abbey, and so they rode forth till they came to a great forest; then was
Sir Gawaine ware in a valley by a turret, of twelve fair damsels, and two
knights armed on great horses, and the damsels went to and fro by a tree.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 111

And then was Sir Gawaine ware how there hung a white shield on that tree,
and ever as the damsels came by it they spit upon it, and some threw mire
upon the shield -- mdash; "

   "Now, if I hadn't seen the like myself in this country, Sandy, I
wouldn't believe it. But I've seen it, and I can just see those creatures
now, parading before that shield and acting like that. The women here do
certainly act like all possessed. Yes, and I mean your best, too, society's
very choicest brands. The humblest hello-girl along ten thousand miles of
wire could teach gentleness, patience, modesty, manners, to the highest
duchess in Arthur's land."

   "Hello-girl?"

   "Yes, but don't you ask me to explain; it's a new kind of a girl; they
don't have them here; one often speaks sharply to them when they are not
the least in fault, and he can't get over feeling sorry for it and ashamed
of himself in thirteen hundred years, it's such shabby mean conduct and so
unprovoked; the fact is, no gentleman ever does it -- mdash; though I --
mdash; well, I myself, if I've got to confess -- mdash; "

   "Peradventure she -- mdash; "

   "Never mind her; never mind her; I tell you I couldn't ever explain her
so you would understand."

   "Even so be it, sith ye are so minded. Then Sir Gawaine and Sir Uwaine
went and saluted them, and asked them why they did that despite to the
shield. Sirs, said the damsels, we shall tell you. There is a knight in
this country that owneth this white shield, and he is a passing good man of
his hands, but he hateth all ladies and gentlewomen, and therefore we do
all this despite to the shield. I will say you, said
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 112

Sir Gawaine, it beseemeth evil a good knight to despise all ladies and
gentlewomen, and peradventure though he hate you he hath some cause, and
peradventure he loveth in some other places ladies and gentlewomen, and to
be loved again, and he such a man of prowess as ye speak of -- mdash; "

   "Man of prowess -- mdash; yes, that is the man to please them, Sandy.
Man of brains -- mdash; that is a thing they never think of. Tom Sayers --
mdash; John Heenan -- mdash; John L. Sullivan -- mdash; pity but you could
be here. You would have your legs under the Round Table and a 'Sir' in
front of your names within the twenty-four hours; and you could bring about
a new distribution of the married princesses and duchesses of the Court in
another twenty-four. The fact is, it is just a sort of polished-up court of
Comanches, and there isn't a squaw in it who doesn't stand ready at the
dropping of a hat to desert to the buck with the biggest string of scalps
at his belt."

   " -- mdash; and he be such a man of prowess as ye speak of, said Sir
Gawaine. Now, what is his name? Sir, said they, his name is Marhaus the
king's son of Ireland."

   "Son of the king of Ireland, you mean; the other form doesn't mean
anything. And look out and hold on tight, now, we must jump this gully....
There, we are all right now. This horse belongs in the circus; he is born
before his time."

   "I know him well, said Sir Uwaine, he is a passing good knight as any is
on live."

   "ON LIVE. If you've got a fault in the world, Sandy, it is that you are
a shade too archaic. But it isn't any matter."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 113

   " -- mdash; for I saw him once proved at a justs where many knights were
gathered, and that time there might no man withstand him. Ah, said Sir
Gawaine, damsels, methinketh ye are to blame, for it is to suppose he that
hung that shield there will not be long therefrom, and then may those
knights match him on horseback, and that is more your worship than thus;
for I will abide no longer to see a knight's shield dishonored. And
therewith Sir Uwaine and Sir Gawaine departed a little from them, and then
were they ware where Sir Marhaus came riding on a great horse straight
toward them. And when the twelve damsels saw Sir Marhaus they fled into the
turret as they were wild, so that some of them fell by the way. Then the
one of the knights of the tower dressed his shield, and said on high, Sir
Marhaus defend thee. And so they ran together that the knight brake his
spear on Marhaus, and Sir Marhaus smote him so hard that he brake his neck
and the horse's back -- mdash; "

   "Well, that is just the trouble about this state of things, it ruins so
many horses."

   "That saw the other knight of the turret, and dressed him toward
Marhaus, and they went so eagerly together, that the knight of the turret
was soon smitten down, horse and man, stark dead -- mdash; "

   "another horse gone; I tell you it is a custom that ought to be broken
up. I don't see how people with any feeling can applaud and support it."

   ....

   "So these two knights came together with great random -- mdash; "

   I saw that I had been asleep and missed a chapter,
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 114

but I didn't say anything. I judged that the Irish knight was in trouble
with the visitors by this time, and this turned out to be the case.

   " -- mdash; that Sir Uwaine smote Sir Marhaus that his spear brast in
pieces on the shield, and Sir Marhaus smote him so sore that horse and man
he bare to the earth, and hurt Sir Uwaine on the left side -- mdash;

   "The truth is, Alisande, these archaics are a little TOO simple; the
vocabulary is too limited, and so, by consequence, descriptions suffer in
the matter of variety; they run too much to level Saharas of fact, and not
enough to picturesque detail; this throws about them a certain air of the
monotonous; in fact the fights are all alike: a couple of people come
together with great random -- mdash; random is a good word, and so is
exegesis, for that matter, and so is holocaust, and defalcation, and
usufruct and a hundred others, but land! a body ought to discriminate --
mdash; they come together with great random, and a spear is brast, and one
party brake his shield and the other one goes down, horse and man, over his
horse-tail and brake his neck, and then the next candidate comes randoming
in, and brast his spear, and the other man brast his shield, and down he
goes, horse and man, over his horse-tail, and brake his neck, and then
there's another elected, and another and another and still another, till
the material is all used up; and when you come to figure up results, you
can't tell one fight from another, nor who whipped; and as a picture, of
living, raging, roaring battle, sho! why, it's pale and noiseless -- mdash;
just ghosts scuffling in a fog. Dear me, what would this barren vocabulary
get out of the mightiest spectacle? -- mdash; the burning of Rome in Nero's
time, for instance? Why,
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 115

it would merely say, 'Town burned down; no insurance; boy brast a window,
fireman brake his neck!' Why, that ain't a picture!"

   It was a good deal of a lecture, I thought, but it didn't disturb Sandy,
didn't turn a feather; her steam soared steadily up again, the minute I
took off the lid:

   "Then Sir Marhaus turned his horse and rode toward Gawaine with his
spear. And when Sir Gawaine saw that, he dressed his shield, and they
aventred their spears, and they came together with all the might of their
horses, that either knight smote other so hard in the midst of their
shields, but Sir Gawaine's spear brake -- mdash; "

   "I knew it would."

    -- mdash; "but Sir Marhaus's spear held; and therewith Sir Gawaine and
his horse rushed down to the earth -- mdash; "

   "Just so -- mdash; and brake his back."

    -- mdash; "and lightly Sir Gawaine rose upon his feet and pulled out
his sword, and dressed him toward Sir Marhaus on foot, and therewith either
came unto other eagerly, and smote together with their swords, that their
shields flew in cantels, and they bruised their helms and their hauberks,
and wounded either other. But Sir Gawaine, fro it passed nine of the clock,
waxed by the space of three hours ever stronger and stronger. and thrice
his might was increased. All this espied Sir Marhaus, and had great wonder
how his might increased, and so they wounded other passing sore; and then
when it was come noon -- mdash; "

   The pelting sing-song of it carried me forward to scenes and sounds of
my boyhood days:

   "N-e-e-ew Haven! ten minutes for refreshments -- mdash;
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 116

knductr'll strike the gong-bell two minutes before train leaves -- mdash;
passengers for the Shore line please take seats in the rear k'yar, this
k'yar don't go no furder -- mdash; ahh-pls, aw-rnjz, b'nanners,
s-a-n-d'ches, p -- mdash; op-corn!"

    -- mdash; "and waxed past noon and drew toward evensong. Sir Gawaine's
strength feebled and waxed passing faint, that unnethes he might dure any
longer, and Sir Marhaus was then bigger and bigger -- mdash; "

   "Which strained his armor, of course; and yet little would one of these
people mind a small thing like that."

    -- mdash; "and so, Sir Knight, said Sir Marhaus, I have well felt that
ye are a passing good knight, and a marvelous man of might as ever I felt
any, while it lasteth, and our quarrels are not great, and therefore it
were a pity to do you hurt, for I feel you are passing feeble. Ah, said Sir
Gawaine, gentle knight, ye say the word that I should say. And therewith
they took off their helms and either kissed other, and there they swore
together either to love other as brethren -- mdash; "

   But I lost the thread there, and dozed off to slumber, thinking about
what a pity it was that men with such superb strength -- mdash; strength
enabling them to stand up cased in cruelly burdensome iron and drenched
with perspiration, and hack and batter and bang each other for six hours on
a stretch -- mdash; should not have been born at a time when they could put
it to some useful purpose. Take a jackass, for instance: a jackass has that
kind of strength, and puts it to a useful purpose, and is valuable to this
world because he is a jackass; but a nobleman is not valuable because he is
a jackass. It is a mixture that is always ineffectual, and should never
have been attempted in the first place. And
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 117

yet, once you start a mistake, the trouble is done and you never know what
is going to come of it.

   When I came to myself again and began to listen, I perceived that I had
lost another chapter, and that Alisande had wandered a long way off with
her people.

   "And so they rode and came into a deep valley full of stones, and
thereby they saw a fair stream of water; above thereby was the head of the
stream, a fair fountain, and three damsels sitting thereby. In this
country, said Sir Marhaus, came never knight since it was christened, but
he found strange adventures -- mdash; "

   "This is not good form, Alisande. Sir Marhaus the king's son of Ireland
talks like all the rest; you ought to give him a brogue, or at least a
characteristic expletive; by this means one would recognize him as soon as
he spoke, without his ever being named. It is a common literary device with
the great authors. You should make him say, 'In this country, be jabers,
came never knight since it was christened, but he found strange adventures,
be jabers.' You see how much better that sounds."

    -- mdash; "came never knight but he found strange adventures, be
jabers. Of a truth it doth indeed, fair lord, albeit 'tis passing hard to
say, though peradventure that will not tarry but better speed with usage.
And then they rode to the damsels, and either saluted other, and the eldest
had a garland of gold about her head, and she was threescore winter of age
or more -- mdash; "

   "The damsel was?"

   "Even so, dear lord -- mdash; and her hair was white under the garland
-- mdash; "

   "Celluloid teeth, nine dollars a set, as like as not -- mdash;
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 118

the loose-fit kind, that go up and down like a portcullis when you eat, and
fall out when you laugh."

   "The second damsel was of thirty winter of age, with a circlet of gold
about her head. The third damsel was but fifteen year of age -- mdash; "

   Billows of thought came rolling over my soul, and the voice faded out of
my hearing!

   Fifteen! Break -- mdash; my heart! oh, my lost darling! Just her age who
was so gentle, and lovely, and all the world to me, and whom I shall never
see again! How the thought of her carries me back over wide seas of memory
to a vague dim time, a happy time, so many, many centuries hence, when I
used to wake in the soft summer mornings, out of sweet dreams of her, and
say "Hello, Central!" just to hear her dear voice come melting back to me
with a "Hello, Hank!" that was music of the spheres to my enchanted ear.
She got three dollars a week, but she was worth it.

   I could not follow Alisande's further explanation of who our captured
knights were, now -- mdash; I mean in case she should ever get to
explaining who they were. My interest was gone, my thoughts were far away,
and sad. By fitful glimpses of the drifting tale, caught here and there and
now and then, I merely noted in a vague way that each of these three
knights took one of these three damsels up behind him on his horse, and one
rode north, another east, the other south, to seek adventures, and meet
again and lie, after year and day. Year and day -- mdash; and without
baggage. It was of a piece with the general simplicity of the country.

   The sun was now setting. It was about three in the afternoon when
Alisande had begun to tell me
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 119

who the cowboys were; so she had made pretty good progress with it --
mdash; for her. She would arrive some time or other, no doubt, but she was
not a person who could be hurried.

   We were approaching a castle which stood on high ground; a huge, strong,
venerable structure, whose gray towers and battlements were charmingly
draped with ivy, and whose whole majestic mass was drenched with splendors
flung from the sinking sun. It was the largest castle we had seen, and so I
thought it might be the one we were after, but Sandy said no. She did not
know who owned it; she said she had passed it without calling, when she
went down to Camelot.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 120

                                 Chapter 16

                               MORGAN LE FAY

   IF knights errant were to be believed, not all castles were desirable
places to seek hospitality in. As a matter of fact, knights errant were not
persons to be believed -- mdash; that is, measured by modern standards of
veracity; yet, measured by the standards of their own time, and scaled
accordingly, you got the truth. It was very simple: you discounted a
statement ninety-seven per cent.; the rest was fact. Now after making this
allowance, the truth remained that if I could find out something about a
castle before ringing the doorbell -- mdash; I mean hailing the warders --
mdash; it was the sensible thing to do. So I was pleased when I saw in the
distance a horseman making the bottom turn of the road that wound down from
this castle.

   As we approached each other, I saw that he wore a plumed helmet, and
seemed to be otherwise clothed in steel, but bore a curious addition also
-- mdash; a stiff square garment like a herald's tabard. However, I had to
smile at my own forgetfulness when I got nearer and read this sign on his
tabard:

    " Persimmon's Soap -- mdash; All the Prime-Donna Use It."

   That was a little idea of my own, and had several wholesome purposes in
view toward the civilizing and
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 121

uplifting of this nation. In the first place, it was a furtive, underhand
blow at this nonsense of knight errantry, though nobody suspected that but
me. I had started a number of these people out -- mdash; the bravest
knights I could get -- mdash; each sandwiched between bulletin-boards
bearing one device or another, and I judged that by and by when they got to
be numerous enough they would begin to look ridiculous; and then, even the
steel-clad ass that hadn't any board would himself begin to look ridiculous
because he was out of the fashion.

   Secondly, these missionaries would gradually, and without creating
suspicion or exciting alarm, introduce a rudimentary cleanliness among the
nobility, and from them it would work down to the people, if the priests
could be kept quiet. This would undermine the Church. I mean would be a
step toward that. Next, education -- mdash; next, freedom -- mdash; and
then she would begin to crumble. It being my conviction that any
Established Church is an established crime, an established slave-pen, I had
no scruples, but was willing to assail it in any way or with any weapon
that promised to hurt it. Why, in my own former day -- mdash; in remote
centuries not yet stirring in the womb of time -- mdash; there were old
Englishmen who imagined that they had been born in a free country: a "free"
country with the Corporation Act and the Test still in force in it --
mdash; timbers propped against men's liberties and dishonored consciences
to shore up an Established Anachronism with.

   My missionaries were taught to spell out the gilt signs on their tabards
-- mdash; the showy gilding was a neat idea, I could have got the king to
wear a bulletin-board
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 122

for the sake of that barbaric splendor -- mdash; they were to spell out
these signs and then explain to the lords and ladies what soap was; and if
the lords and ladies were afraid of it, get them to try it on a dog. The
missionary's next move was to get the family together and try it on
himself; he was to stop at no experiment, however desperate. that could
convince the nobility that soap was harmless; if any final doubt remained,
he must catch a hermit -- mdash; the woods were full of them; saints they
called themselves, and saints they were believed to be. They were
unspeakably holy, and worked miracles, and everybody stood in awe of them.
If a hermit could survive a wash, and that failed to convince a duke, give
him up, let him alone.

   Whenever my missionaries overcame a knight errant on the road they
washed him, and when he got well they swore him to go and get a
bulletin-board and disseminate soap and civilization the rest of his days.
As a consequence the workers in the field were increasing by degrees, and
the reform was steadily spreading. My soap factory felt the strain early.
At first I had only two hands; but before I had left home I was already
employing fifteen, and running night and day; and the atmospheric result
was getting so pronounced that the king went sort of fainting and gasping
around and said he did not believe he could stand it much longer, and Sir
Launcelot got so that he did hardly anything but walk up and down the roof
and swear, although I told him it was worse up there than anywhere else,
but he said he wanted plenty of air; and he was always complaining that a
palace was no place for a soap factory anyway, and
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 123

said if a man was to start one in his house he would be damned if he
wouldn't strangle him. There were ladies present, too, but much these
people ever cared for that; they would swear before children, if the wind
was their way when the factory was going.

   This missionary knight's name was La Cote Male Taile, and he said that
this castle was the abode of Morgan le Fay, sister of King Arthur, and wife
of King Uriens. monarch of a realm about as big as the District of Columbia
-- mdash; you could stand in the middle of it and throw bricks into the
next kingdom. "Kings" and "Kingdoms" were as thick in Britain as they had
been in little Palestine in Joshua's time, when people had to sleep with
their knees pulled up because they couldn't stretch out without a passport.

   La Cote was much depressed, for he had scored here the worst failure of
his campaign. He had not worked off a cake; yet he had tried all the tricks
of the trade, even to the washing of a hermit; but the hermit died. This
was, indeed, a bad failure, for this animal would now be dubbed a martyr,
and would take his place among the saints of the Roman calendar. Thus made
he his moan, this poor Sir La Cote Male Taile, and sorrowed passing sore.
And so my heart bled for him, and I was moved to comfort and stay him.
Wherefore I said:

   "Forbear to grieve, fair knight, for this is not a defeat. We have
brains, you and I; and for such as have brains there are no defeats, but
only victories. Observe how we will turn this seeming disaster into an
advertisement; an advertisement for our soap; and the biggest one, to draw,
that was ever thought of; an advertisement that will transform that Mount
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 124

Washington defeat into a Matterhorn victory. We will put on your
bulletin-board, 'patronized by the elect.' How does that strike you?"

   "Verily, it is wonderly bethought!"

   "Well, a body is bound to admit that for just a modest little one-line
ad., it's a corker."

   So the poor colporteur's griefs vanished away. He was a brave fellow,
and had done mighty feats of arms in his time. His chief celebrity rested
upon the events of an excursion like this one of mine, which he had once
made with a damsel named Maledisant, who was as handy with her tongue as
was Sandy, though in a different way, for her tongue churned forth only
railings and insult, whereas Sandy's music was of a kindlier sort. I knew
his story well, and so I knew how to interpret the compassion that was in
his face when he bade me farewell. He supposed I was having a bitter hard
time of it.

   Sandy and I discussed his story, as we rode along, and she said that La
Cote's bad luck had begun with the very beginning of that trip; for the
king's fool had overthrown him on the first day, and in such cases it was
customary for the girl to desert to the conqueror, but Maledisant didn't do
it; and also persisted afterward in sticking to him, after all his defeats.
But, said I, suppose the victor should decline to accept his spoil? She
said that that wouldn't answer -- mdash; he must. He couldn't decline; it
wouldn't be regular. I made a note of that. If Sandy's music got to be too
burdensome, some time, I would let a knight defeat me, on the chance that
she would desert to him.

   In due time we were challenged by the warders, from the castle walls,
and after a parley admitted. I
                                  [Image]

        We were challenged by the warders, and after parley admitted

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 125

have nothing pleasant to tell about that visit. But it was not a
disappointment, for I knew Mrs. le Fay by reputation, and was not expecting
anything pleasant. She was held in awe by the whole realm, for she had made
everybody believe she was a great sorceress. All her ways were wicked, all
her instincts devilish. She was loaded to the eyelids with cold malice. All
her history was black with crime; and among her crimes murder was common. I
was most curious to see her; as curious as I could have been to see Satan.
To my surprise she was beautiful; black thoughts had failed to make her
expression repulsive, age had failed to wrinkle her satin skin or mar its
bloomy freshness. She could have passed for old Uriens' granddaughter, she
could have been mistaken for sister to her own son.

   As soon as we were fairly within the castle gates we were ordered into
her presence. King Uriens was there, a kind-faced old man with a subdued
look; and also the son, Sir Uwaine le Blanchemains, in whom I was, of
course, interested on account of the tradition that he had once done battle
with thirty knights, and also on account of his trip with Sir Gawaine and
Sir Marhaus, which Sandy had been aging me with. But Morgan was the main
attraction, the conspicuous personality here; she was head chief of this
household, that was plain. She caused us to be seated, and then she began,
with all manner of pretty graces and graciousnesses, to ask me questions.
Dear me, it was like a bird or a flute, or something, talking. I felt
persuaded that this woman must have been misrepresented, lied about. She
trilled along, and trilled along, and presently a handsome young page,
clothed like the rainbow, and
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 126

as easy and undulatory of movement as a wave, came with something on a
golden salver, and, kneeling to present it to her, overdid his graces and
lost his balance, and so fell lightly against her knee. She slipped a dirk
into him in as matter-of-course a way as another person would have
harpooned a rat!

   Poor child! he slumped to the floor, twisted his silken limbs in one
great straining contortion of pain, and was dead. Out of the old king was
wrung an involuntary "O-h!" of compassion. The look he got, made him cut it
suddenly short and not put any more hyphens in it. Sir Uwaine, at a sign
from his mother, went to the anteroom and called some servants, and
meanwhile madame went rippling sweetly along with her talk.

   I saw that she was a good housekeeper, for while she talked she kept a
corner of her eye on the servants to see that they made no balks in
handling the body and getting it out; when they came with fresh clean
towels, she sent back for the other kind; and when they had finished wiping
the floor and were going, she indicated a crimson fleck the size of a tear
which their duller eyes had overlooked. It was plain to me that La Cote
Male Taile had failed to see the mistress of the house. Often, how louder
and clearer than any tongue, does dumb circumstantial evidence speak.

   Morgan le Fay rippled along as musically as ever. Marvelous woman. And
what a glance she had: when it fell in reproof upon those servants, they
shrunk and quailed as timid people do when the lightning flashes out of a
cloud. I could have got the habit myself. It was the same with that poor
old Brer Uriens; he was always on the ragged edge of
                                  [Image]

                                King Uriens

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 127

apprehension; she could not even turn toward him but he winced.

   In the midst of the talk I let drop a complimentary word about King
Arthur, forgetting for the moment how this woman hated her brother. That
one little compliment was enough. She clouded up like storm; she called for
her guards, and said:

   "Hale me these varlets to the dungeons."

   That struck cold on my ears, for her dungeons had a reputation. Nothing
occurred to me to say -- mdash; or do. But not so with Sandy. As the guard
laid a hand upon me, she piped up with the tranquilest confidence, and
said:

   "God's wounds, dost thou covet destruction, thou maniac? It is The
Boss!"

   Now what a happy idea that was! -- mdash; and so simple; yet it would
never have occurred to me. I was born modest; not all over, but in spots;
and this was one of the spots.

   The effect upon madame was electrical. It cleared her countenance and
brought back her smiles and all her persuasive graces and blandishments;
but nevertheless she was not able to entirely cover up with them the fact
that she was in a ghastly fright. She said:

   "La, but do list to thine handmaid! as if one gifted with powers like to
mine might say the thing which I have said unto one who has vanquished
Merlin, and not be jesting. By mine enchantments I foresaw your coming, and
by them I knew you when you entered here. I did but play this little jest
with hope to surprise you into some display of your art, as not doubting
you would blast the guards with occult fires,
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 128

consuming them to ashes on the spot, a marvel much beyond mine own ability,
yet one which I have long been childishly curious to see."

   The guards were less curious, and got out as soon as they got
permission.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 129

                                 Chapter 17

                              A ROYAL BANQUET

   MADAME, seeing me pacific and unresentful, no doubt judged that I was
deceived by her excuse; for her fright dissolved away, and she was soon so
importunate to have me give an exhibition and kill somebody, that the thing
grew to be embarrassing. However, to my relief she was presently
interrupted by the call to prayers. I will say this much for the nobility:
that, tyrannical, murderous, rapacious, and morally rotten as they were,
they were deeply and enthusiastically religious. Nothing could divert them
from the regular and faithful performance of the pieties enjoined by the
Church. More than once I had seen a noble who had gotten his enemy at a
disadvantage, stop to pray before cutting his throat; more than once I had
seen a noble, after ambushing and despatching his enemy, retire to the
nearest wayside shrine and humbly give thanks, without even waiting to rob
the body. There was to be nothing finer or sweeter in the life of even
Benvenuto Cellini, that rough-hewn saint, ten centuries later. All the
nobles of Britain, with their families, attended divine service morning and
night daily, in their private chapels, and even the worst of them had
family worship five or six times a day besides. The credit of this belonged
entirely to the Church.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 130

Although I was no friend to that Catholic Church, I was obliged to admit
this. And often, in spite of me, I found myself saying, "What would this
country be without the Church?"

   After prayers we had dinner in a great banqueting hall which was lighted
by hundreds of grease-jets, and everything was as fine and lavish and
rudely splendid as might become the royal degree of the hosts. At the head
of the hall, on a dais, was the table of the king, queen, and their son,
Prince Uwaine. Stretching down the hall from this, was the general table,
on the floor. At this, above the salt, sat the visiting nobles and the
grown members of their families, of both sexes, -- mdash; the resident
Court, in effect -- mdash; sixty-one persons; below the salt sat minor
officers of the household, with their principal subordinates: altogether a
hundred and eighteen persons sitting, and about as many liveried servants
standing behind their chairs, or serving in one capacity or another. It was
a very fine show. In a gallery a band with cymbals, horns, harps, and other
horrors, opened the proceedings with what seemed to be the crude
first-draft or original agony of the wail known to later centuries as "In
the Sweet Bye and Bye." It was new, and ought to have been rehearsed a
little more. For some reason or other the queen had the composer hanged,
after dinner.

   After this music, the priest who stood behind the royal table said a
noble long grace in ostensible Latin. Then the battalion of waiters broke
away from their posts, and darted, rushed, flew, fetched and carried, and
the mighty feeding began; no words anywhere, but absorbing attention to
business. The rows of chops opened and shut in vast unison, and the sound
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 131

of it was like to the muffled burr of subterranean machinery.

   The havoc continued an hour and a half, and unimaginable was the
destruction of substantials. Of the chief feature of the feast -- mdash;
the huge wild boar that lay stretched out so portly and imposing at the
start -- mdash; nothing was left but the semblance of a hoop-skirt; and he
was but the type and symbol of what had happened to all the other dishes.

   With the pastries and so on, the heavy drinking began -- mdash; and the
talk. Gallon after gallon of wine and mead disappeared, and everybody got
comfortable, then happy, then sparklingly joyous -- mdash; both sexes, --
mdash; and by and by pretty noisy. Men told anecdotes that were terrific to
hear, but nobody blushed; and when the nub was sprung, the assemblage let
go with a horse-laugh that shook the fortress. Ladies answered back with
historiettes that would almost have made Queen Margaret of Navarre or even
the great Elizabeth of England hide behind a handkerchief, but nobody hid
here, but only laughed -- mdash; howled, you may say. In pretty much all of
these dreadful stories, ecclesiastics were the hardy heroes, but that
didn't worry the chaplain any, he had his laugh with the rest; more than
that, upon invitation he roared out a song which was of as daring a sort as
any that was sung that night.

   By midnight everybody was fagged out, and sore with laughing; and, as a
rule, drunk: some weepingly, some affectionately, some hilariously, some
quarrelsomely, some dead and under the table. Of the ladies, the worst
spectacle was a lovely young duchess, whose wedding-eve this was; and
indeed she was a spectacle, sure enough. Just as she was she could have sat
in
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 132

advance for the portrait of the young daughter of the Regent d'Orleans, at
the famous dinner whence she was carried, foul-mouthed, intoxicated, and
helpless, to her bed, in the lost and lamented days of the Ancient Regime.

   Suddenly, even while the priest was lifting his hands, and all conscious
heads were bowed in reverent expectation of the coming blessing, there
appeared under the arch of the far-off door at the bottom of the hall an
old and bent and white-haired lady, leaning upon a crutch-stick; and she
lifted the stick and pointed it toward the queen and cried out:

   "The wrath and curse of God fall upon you, woman without pity, who have
slain mine innocent grandchild and made desolate this old heart that had
nor chick, nor friend nor stay nor comfort in all this world but him!"

   Everybody crossed himself in a grisly fright, for a curse was an awful
thing to those people; but the queen rose up majestic, with the death-light
in her eye, and flung back this ruthless command:

   "Lay hands on her! To the stake with her!"

   The guards left their posts to obey. It was a shame; it was a cruel
thing to see. What could be done? Sandy gave me a look; I knew she had
another inspiration. I said:

   "Do what you choose."

   She was up and facing toward the queen in a moment. She indicated me,
and said:

   "Madame, he saith this may not be. Recall the commandment, or he will
dissolve the castle and it shall vanish away like the instable fabric of a
dream!"
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 133

   Confound it, what a crazy contract to pledge a person to! What if the
queen -- mdash;

   But my consternation subsided there, and my panic passed off; for the
queen, all in a collapse, made no show of resistance but gave a
countermanding sign and sunk into her seat. When she reached it she was
sober. So were many of the others. The assemblage rose, whiffed ceremony to
the winds, and rushed for the door like a mob; overturning chairs, smashing
crockery, tugging, struggling, shouldering, crowding -- mdash; anything to
get out before I should change my mind and puff the castle into the
measureless dim vacancies of space. Well, well, well, they were a
superstitious lot. It is all a body can do to conceive of it.

   The poor queen was so scared and humbled that she was even afraid to
hang the composer without first consulting me. I was very sorry for her --
mdash; indeed, any one would have been, for she was really suffering; so I
was willing to do anything that was reasonable, and had no desire to carry
things to wanton extremities. I therefore considered the matter
thoughtfully, and ended by having the musicians ordered into our presence
to play that Sweet Bye and Bye again, which they did. Then I saw that she
was right, and gave her permission to hang the whole band. This little
relaxation of sternness had a good effect upon the queen. A statesman gains
little by the arbitrary exercise of iron-clad authority upon all occasions
that offer, for this wounds the just pride of his subordinates, and thus
tends to undermine his strength. A little concession, now and then, where
it can do no harm, is the wiser policy.

   Now that the queen was at ease in her mind once
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 134

more, and measurably happy, her wine naturally began to assert itself
again, and it got a little the start of her. I mean it set her music going
-- mdash; her silver bell of a tongue. Dear me, she was a master talker. It
would not become me to suggest that it was pretty late and that I was a
tired man and very sleepy. I wished I had gone off to bed when I had the
chance. Now I must stick it out; there was no other way. So she tinkled
along and along, in the otherwise profound and ghostly hush of the sleeping
castle, until by and by there came, as if from deep down under us, a
far-away sound, as of a muffled shriek -- mdash; with an expression of
agony about it that made my flesh crawl. The queen stopped, and her eyes
lighted with pleasure; she tilted her graceful head as a bird does when it
listens. The sound bored its way up through the stillness again.

   "What is it?" I said.

   "It is truly a stubborn soul, and endureth long. It is many hours now."

   "Endureth what?"

   "The rack. Come -- mdash; ye shall see a blithe sight. An he yield not
his secret now, ye shall see him torn asunder."

   What a silky smooth hellion she was; and so composed and serene, when
the cords all down my legs were hurting in sympathy with that man's pain.
Conducted by mailed guards bearing flaring torches, we tramped along
echoing corridors, and down stone stairways dank and dripping, and smelling
of mould and ages of imprisoned night -- mdash; a chill, uncanny journey
and a long one, and not made the shorter or the cheerier by the sorceress's
talk, which was about this
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 135

sufferer and his crime. He had been accused by an anonymous informer, of
having killed a stag in the royal preserves. I said:

   "Anonymous testimony isn't just the right thing, your Highness. It were
fairer to confront the accused with the accuser."

   "I had not thought of that, it being but of small consequence. But an I
would, I could not, for that the accuser came masked by night, and told the
forester, and straightway got him hence again, and so the forester knoweth
him not."

   "Then is this Unknown the only person who saw the stag killed?"

   "Marry, no man saw the killing, but this Unknown saw this hardy wretch
near to the spot where the stag lay, and came with right loyal zeal and
betrayed him to the forester."

   "So the Unknown was near the dead stag, too? Isn't it just possible that
he did the killing himself? His loyal zeal -- mdash; in a mask -- mdash;
looks just a shade suspicious. But what is your highness's idea for racking
the prisoner? Where is the profit?"

   "He will not confess, else; and then were his soul lost. For his crime
his life is forfeited by the law -- mdash; and of a surety will I see that
he payeth it! -- mdash; but it were peril to my own soul to let him die
unconfessed and unabsolved. Nay, I were a fool to fling me into hell for
his accommodation."

   "But, your Highness, suppose he has nothing to confess?"

   "As to that, we shall see, anon. An I rack him to death and he confess
not, it will peradventure show that he had indeed naught to confess --
mdash; ye will grant
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 136

that that is sooth? Then shall I not be damned for an unconfessed man that
had naught to confess -- mdash; wherefore, I shall be safe."

   It was the stubborn unreasoning of the time. It was useless to argue
with her. Arguments have no chance against petrified training; they wear it
as little as the waves wear a cliff. And her training was everybody's. The
brightest intellect in the land would not have been able to see that her
position was defective.

   As we entered the rack-cell I caught a picture that will not go from me;
I wish it would. A native young giant of thirty or thereabouts lay
stretched upon the frame on his back, with his wrists and ankles tied to
ropes which led over windlasses at either end. There was no color in him;
his features were contorted and set, and sweat-drops stood upon his
forehead. A priest bent over him on each side; the executioner stood by;
guards were on duty; smoking torches stood in sockets along the walls; in a
corner crouched a poor young creature, her face drawn with anguish, a
half-wild and hunted look in her eyes, and in her lap lay a little child
asleep. Just as we stepped across the threshold the executioner gave his
machine a slight turn, which wrung a cry from both the prisoner and the
woman; but I shouted, and the executioner released the strain without
waiting to see who spoke. I could not let this horror go on; it would have
killed me to see it. I asked the queen to let me clear the place and speak
to the prisoner privately; and when she was going to object I spoke in a
low voice and said I did not want to make a scene before her servants, but
I must have my way; for I was King Arthur's representative, and was
speaking in his name.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 137

She saw she had to yield. I asked her to indorse me to these people, and
then leave me. It was not pleasant for her, but she took the pill; and even
went further than I was meaning to require. I only wanted the backing of
her own authority; but she said:

   "Ye will do in all things as this lord shall command. It is The Boss."

   It was certainly a good word to conjure with: you could see it by the
squirming of these rats. The queen's guards fell into line, and she and
they marched away, with their torch-bearers, and woke the echoes of the
cavernous tunnels with the measured beat of their retreating footfalls. I
had the prisoner taken from the rack and placed upon his bed, and
medicaments applied to his hurts, and wine given him to drink. The woman
crept near and looked on, eagerly, lovingly, but timorously, -- mdash; like
one who fears a repulse; indeed, she tried furtively to touch the man's
forehead, and jumped back, the picture of fright, when I turned
unconsciously toward her. It was pitiful to see.

   "Lord," I said, "stroke him, lass, if you want to. Do anything you're a
mind to; don't mind me."

   Why, her eyes were as grateful as an animal's, when you do it a kindness
that it understands. The baby was out of her way and she had her cheek
against the man's in a minute. and her hands fondling his hair, and her
happy tears running down. The man revived and caressed his wife with his
eyes, which was all he could do. I judged I might clear the den, now, and I
did; cleared it of all but the family and myself. Then I said:

   "Now, my friend, tell me your side of this matter; I know the other
side."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 138

   The man moved his head in sign of refusal. But the woman looked pleased
-- mdash; as it seemed to me -- mdash; pleased with my suggestion. I went
on -- mdash;

   "You know of me?"

   "Yes. All do, in Arthur's realms."

   "If my reputation has come to you right and straight, you should not be
afraid to speak."

   The woman broke in, eagerly:

   "Ah, fair my lord, do thou persuade him! Thou canst an thou wilt. Ah, he
suffereth so; and it is for me -- mdash; for me! And how can I bear it? I
would I might see him die -- mdash; a sweet, swift death; oh, my Hugo, I
cannot bear this one!"

   And she fell to sobbing and grovelling about my feet, and still
imploring. Imploring what? The man's death? I could not quite get the
bearings of the thing. But Hugo interrupted her and said:

   "Peace! Ye wit not what ye ask. Shall I starve whom I love, to win a
gentle death? I wend thou knewest me better."

   "Well," I said, "I can't quite make this out. It is a puzzle. Now --
mdash; "

   "Ah, dear my lord, an ye will but persuade him! Consider how these his
tortures wound me! Oh, and he will not speak! -- mdash; whereas, the
healing, the solace that lie in a blessed swift death -- mdash; "

   "What are you maundering about? He's going out from here a free man and
whole -- mdash; he's not going to die."

   The man's white face lit up, and the woman flung herself at me in a most
surprising explosion of joy, and cried out:

   "He is saved! -- mdash; for it is the king's word by the
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 139

mouth of the king's servant -- mdash; Arthur, the king whose word is gold!"

   "Well, then you do believe I can be trusted, after all. Why didn't you
before?"

   "Who doubted? Not I, indeed; and not she."

   "Well, why uldn't you tell me your story, then?"

   "Ye had made no promise; else had it been otherwise."

   "I see, I see.... And yet I believe I don't quite see, after all. You
stood the torture and refused to confess; which shows plain enough to even
the dullest understanding that you had nothing to confess -- mdash; "

   "I, my lord? How so? It was I that killed the deer!"

   "You did? Oh, dear, this is the most mixed-up business that ever --
mdash; "

   "Dear lord, I begged him on my knees to confess, but -- mdash; "

   "You did! It gets thicker and thicker. What did you want him to do that
for?"

   "Sith it would bring him a quick death and save him all this cruel
pain."

   "Well -- mdash; yes, there is reason in that. But he didn't want the
quick death."

   "He? Why, of a surety he did."

   "Well, then, why in the world didn't he confess?"

   "Ah, sweet sir, and leave my wife and chick without bread and shelter?"

   "Oh, heart of gold, now I see it! The bitter law takes the convicted
man's estate and beggars his widow and his orphans. They could torture you
to death, but without conviction or confession they could not rob your wife
and baby. You stood by them like a
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 140

man; and you -- mdash; true wife and the woman that you are -- mdash; you
would have bought him release from torture at cost to yourself of slow
starvation and death -- mdash; well, it humbles a body to think what your
sex can do when it comes to self-sacrifice. I'll book you both for my
colony; you'll like it there; it's a Factory where I'm going to turn
groping and grubbing automata into men."

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 141

                                 Chapter 18

                          IN THE QUEEN'S DUNGEONS

   WELL, I arranged all that; and I had the man sent to his home. I had a
great desire to rack the executioner; not because he was a good,
painstaking and paingiving official, -- mdash; for surely it was not to his
discredit that he performed his functions well -- mdash; but to pay him
back for wantonly cuffing and otherwise distressing that young woman. The
priests told me about this, and were generously hot to have him punished.
Something of this disagreeable sort was turning up every now and then. I
mean, episodes that showed that not all priests were frauds and
self-seekers, but that many, even the great majority, of these that were
down on the ground among the common people, were sincere and right-hearted,
and devoted to the alleviation of human troubles and sufferings. Well, it
was a thing which could not be helped, so I seldom fretted about it, and
never many minutes at a time; it has never been my way to bother much about
things which you can't cure. But I did not like it, for it was just the
sort of thing to keep people reconciled to an Established Church. We must
have a religion -- mdash; it goes without saying -- mdash; but my idea is,
to have it cut up into forty free sects, so that they will police each
other, as had been the case in the United
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 142

States in my time. Concentration of power in a political machine is bad;
and and an Established Church is only a political machine; it was invented
for that; it is nursed, cradled, preserved for that; it is an enemy to
human liberty, and does no good which it could not better do in a split-up
and scattered condition. That wasn't law; it wasn't gospel: it was only an
opinion -- mdash; my opinion, and I was only a man, one man: so it wasn't
worth any more than the pope's -- mdash; or any less, for that matter.

   Well, I couldn't rack the executioner, neither would I overlook the just
complaint of the priests. The man must be punished somehow or other, so I
degraded him from his office and made him leader of the band -- mdash; the
new one that was to be started. He begged hard, and said he couldn't play
-- mdash; a plausible excuse, but too thin; there wasn't a musician in the
country that could.

   The queen was a good deal outraged, next morning when she found she was
going to have neither Hugo's life nor his property. But I told her she must
bear this cross; that while by law and custom she certainly was entitled to
both the man's life and his property, there were extenuating circumstances,
and so in Arthur the king's name I had pardoned him. The deer was ravaging
the man's fields, and he had killed it in sudden passion, and not for gain;
and he had carried it into the royal forest in the hope that that might
make detection of the misdoer impossible. Confound her, I couldn't make her
see that sudden passion is an extenuating circumstance in the killing of
venison -- mdash; or of a person -- mdash; so I gave it up and let her sulk
it out I did think I was going to make her see it by
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 143

remarking that her own sudden passion in the case of the page modified that
crime.

   "Crime!" she exclaimed. "How thou talkest! Crime, forsooth! Man, I am
going to pay for him!"

   Oh, it was no use to waste sense on her. Training -- mdash; training is
everything; training is all there is to a person. We speak of nature; it is
folly; there is no such thing as nature; what we call by that misleading
name is merely heredity and training. We have no thoughts of our own, no
opinions of our own; they are transmitted to us, trained into us. All that
is original in us, and therefore fairly creditable or discreditable to us,
can be covered up and hidden by the point of a cambric needle, all the rest
being atoms contributed by, and inherited from, a procession of ancestors
that stretches back a billion years to the Adam-clam or grasshopper or
monkey from whom our race has been so tediously and ostentatiously and
unprofitably developed. And as for me, all that I think about in this
plodding sad pilgrimage, this pathetic drift between the eternities, is to
look out and humbly live a pure and high and blameless life, and save that
one microscopic atom in me that is truly me: the rest may land in Sheol and
welcome for all I care.

   No, confound her, her intellect was good, she had brains enough, but her
training made her an ass -- mdash; that is, from a many-centuries-later
point of view. To kill the page was no crime -- mdash; it was her right;
and upon her right she stood, serenely and unconscious of offense. She was
a result of generations of training in the unexamined and unassailed belief
that the law which permitted her to kill a subject when she chose was a
perfectly right and righteous one.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 144

   Well, we must give even Satan his due. She deserved a compliment for one
thing; and I tried to pay it, but the words stuck in my throat. She had a
right to kill the boy, but she was in no wise obliged to pay for him. That
was law for some other people, but not for her. She knew quite well that
she was doing a large and generous thing to pay for that lad, and that I
ought in common fairness to come out with something handsome about it, but
I couldn't -- mdash; my mouth refused. I couldn't help seeing, in my fancy,
that poor old grandma with the broken heart, and that fair young creature
lying butchered, his little silken pomps and vanities laced with his golden
blood. How could she pay for him! Whom could she pay? And so, well knowing
that this woman, trained as she had been, deserved praise, even adulation,
I was yet not able to utter it, trained as I had been. The best I could do
was to fish up a compliment from outside, so to speak -- mdash; and the
pity of it was, that it was true:

   "Madame, your people will adore you for this."

   Quite true, but I meant to hang her for it some day if I lived. Some of
those laws were too bad, altogether too bad. A master might kill his slave
for nothing -- mdash; for mere spite, malice, or to pass the time -- mdash;
just as we have seen that the crowned head could do it with his slave, that
is to say, anybody. A gentleman could kill a free commoner, and pay for him
-- mdash; cash or garden-truck. A noble could kill a noble without expense,
as far as the law was concerned, but reprisals in kind were to be expected.
Anybody could kill somebody, except the commoner and the slave; these had
no privileges. If they killed, it was
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 145

murder, and the law wouldn't stand murder. It made short work of the
experimenter -- mdash; and of his family, too, if he murdered somebody who
belonged up among the ornamental ranks. If a commoner gave a noble even so
much as a Damiens-scratch which didn't kill or even hurt, he got Damiens'
dose for it just the same; they pulled him to rags and tatters with horses,
and all the world came to see the show, and crack jokes, and have a good
time; and some of the performances of the best people present were as
tough, and as properly unprintable, as any that have been printed by the
pleasant Casanova in his chapter about the dismemberment of Louis XV.'s
poor awkward enemy.

   I had had enough of this grisly place by this time, and wanted to leave,
but I couldn't, because I had something on my mind that my conscience kept
prodding me about, and wouldn't let me forget. If I had the remaking of
man, he wouldn't have any conscience. It is one of the most disagreeable
things connected with a person; and although it certainly does a great deal
of good, it cannot be said to pay, in the long run; it would be much better
to have less good and more comfort. Still, this is only my opinion, and I
am only one man; others, with less experience, may think differently. They
have a right to their view. I only stand to this: I have noticed my
conscience for many years, and I know it is more trouble and bother to me
than anything else I started with. I suppose that in the beginning I prized
it, because we prize anything that is ours; and yet how foolish it was to
think so. If we look at it in another way, we see how absurd it is: if I
had an anvil in me
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 146

would I prize it? Of course not. And yet when you come to think, there is
no real difference between a conscience and an anvil -- mdash; I mean for
comfort. I have noticed it a thousand times. And you could dissolve an
anvil with acids, when you couldn't stand it any longer; but there isn't
any way that you can work off a conscience -- mdash; at least so it will
stay worked off; not that I know of, anyway.

   There was something I wanted to do before leaving, but it was a
disagreeable matter, and I hated to go at it. Well, it bothered me all the
morning. I could have mentioned it to the old king, but what would be the
use? -- mdash; he was but an extinct volcano; he had been active in his
time, but his fire was out, this good while, he was only a stately ash-pile
now; gentle enough, and kindly enough for my purpose, without doubt, but
not usable. He was nothing, this so-called king: the queen was the only
power there. And she was a Vesuvius. As a favor, she might consent to warm
a flock of sparrows for you, but then she might take that very opportunity
to turn herself loose and bury a city. However, I reflected that as often
as any other way, when you are expecting the worst, you get something that
is not so bad, after all.

   So I braced up and placed my matter before her royal Highness. I said I
had been having a general jail-delivery at Camelot and among neighboring
castles, and with her permission I would like to examine her collection,
her bric-a-brac -- mdash; that is to say, her prisoners. She resisted; but
I was expecting that. But she finally consented. I was expecting that, too,
but not so soon. That about ended my discomfort. She called her guards and
torches, and
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 147

we went down into the dungeons. These were down under the castle's
foundations, and mainly were small cells hollowed out of the living rock.
Some of these cells had no light at all. In one of them was a woman, in
foul rags, who sat on the ground, and would not answer a question or speak
a word, but only looked up at us once or twice, through a cobweb of tangled
hair, as if to see what casual thing it might be that was disturbing with
sound and light the meaningless dull dream that was become her life; after
that, she sat bowed, with her dirt-caked fingers idly interlocked in her
lap, and gave no further sign. This poor rack of bones was a woman of
middle age, apparently; but only apparently; she had been there nine years,
and was eighteen when she entered. She was a commoner, and had been sent
here on her bridal night by Sir Breuse Sance Pite, a neighboring lord whose
vassal her father was, and to which said lord she had refused what has
since been called le droit du seigneur, and, moreover, had opposed violence
to violence and spilt half a gill of his almost sacred blood. The young
husband had interfered at that point. believing the bride's life in danger,
and had flung the noble out into the midst of the humble and trembling
wedding guests, in the parlor, and left him there astonished at this
strange treatment, and implacably embittered against both bride and groom.
The said lord being cramped for dungeon-room had asked the queen to
accommodate his two criminals, and here in her bastile they had been ever
since; hither, indeed, they had come before their crime was an hour old,
and had never seen each other since. Here they were, kenneled like toads in
the same rock;
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 148

they had passed nine pitch dark years within fifty feet of each other, yet
neither knew whether the other was alive or not. All the first years, their
only question had been -- mdash; asked with beseechings and tears that
might have moved stones, in time, perhaps, but hearts are not stones: "Is
he alive?" "Is she alive?" But they had never got an answer; and at last
that question was not asked any more -- mdash; or any other.

   I wanted to see the man, after hearing all this. He was thirty-four
years old, and looked sixty. He sat upon a squared block of stone, with his
head bent down, his forearms resting on his knees, his long hair hanging
like a fringe before his face, and he was muttering to himself. He raised
his chin and looked us slowly over, in a listless dull way, blinking with
the distress of the torchlight, then dropped his head and fell to muttering
again and took no further notice of us. There were some pathetically
suggestive dumb witnesses present. On his wrists and ankles were
cicatrices, old smooth scars, and fastened to the stone on which he sat was
a chain with manacles and fetters attached; but this apparatus lay idle on
the ground, and was thick with rust. Chains cease to be needed after the
spirit has gone out of a prisoner.

   I could not rouse the man; so I said we would take him to her, and see
-- mdash; to the bride who was the fairest thing in the earth to him, once
-- mdash; roses, pearls, and dew made flesh, for him; a wonder-work, the
master-work of nature: with eyes like no other eyes, and voice like no
other voice, and a freshness, and lithe young grace, and beauty, that
belonged properly to the creatures of dreams -- mdash; as he thought --
mdash; and to no other. The sight
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 149

of her would set his stagnant blood leaping; the sight of her -- mdash;

   But it was a disappointment. They sat together on the ground and looked
dimly wondering into each other's faces a while, with a sort of weak animal
curiosity; then forgot each other's presence, and dropped their eyes, and
you saw that they were away again and wandering in some far land of dreams
and shadows that we know nothing about.

   I had them taken out and sent to their friends. The queen did not like
it much. Not that she felt any personal interest in the matter, but she
thought it disrespectful to Sir Breuse Sance Pite. However, I assured her
that if he found he couldn't stand it I would fix him so that he could.

   I set forty-seven prisoners loose out of those awful rat-holes, and left
only one in captivity. He was a lord, and had killed another lord, a sort
of kinsman of the queen. That other lord had ambushed him to assassinate
him, but this fellow had got the best of him and cut his throat. However,
it was not for that that I left him jailed, but for maliciously destroying
the only public well in one of his wretched villages. The queen was bound
to hang him for killing her kinsman, but I would not allow it: it was no
crime to kill an assassin. But I said I was willing to let her hang him for
destroying the well; so she concluded to put up with that, as it was better
than nothing.

   Dear me, for what trifling offenses the most of those forty-seven men
and women were shut up there! Indeed, some were there for no distinct
offense at all, but only to gratify somebody's spite; and not always the
queen's by any means, but a friend's. The newest
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 150

prisoner's crime was a mere remark which he had made. He said he believed
that men were about all alike, and one man as good as another, barring
clothes. He said he believed that if you were to strip the nation naked and
send a stranger through the crowd, he couldn't tell the king from a quack
doctor, nor a duke from a hotel clerk. Apparently here was a man whose
brains had not been reduced to an ineffectual mush by idiotic training. I
set him loose and sent him to the Factory.

   Some of the cells carved in the living rock were just behind the face of
the precipice, and in each of these an arrow-slit had been pierced outward
to the daylight, and so the captive had a thin ray from the blessed sun for
his comfort. The case of one of these poor fellows was particularly hard.
From his dusky swallow's hole high up in that vast wall of native rock he
could peer out through the arrow-slit and see his own home off yonder in
the valley; and for twenty-two years he had watched it, with heartache and
longing, through that crack. He could see the lights shine there at night,
and in the daytime he could see figures go in and come out -- mdash; his
wife and children, some of them, no doubt, though he could not make out at
that distance. In the course of years he noted festivities there, and tried
to rejoice, and wondered if they were weddings or what they might be. And
he noted funerals; and they wrung his heart. He could make out the coffin,
but he could not determine its size, and so could not tell whether it was
wife or child. He could see the procession form, with priests and mourners,
and move solemnly away, bearing the secret with them. He had left behind
him five children and a
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 151

wife; and in nineteen years he had seen five funerals issue, and none of
them humble enough in pomp to denote a servant. So he had lost five of his
treasures; there must still be one remaining -- mdash; one now infinitely,
unspeakably precious, -- mdash; but which one? wife, or child? That was the
question that tortured him, by night and by day, asleep and awake. Well, to
have an interest, of some sort, and half a ray of light, when you are in a
dungeon, is a great support to the body and preserver of the intellect.
This man was in pretty good condition yet. By the time he had finished
telling me his distressful tale, I was in the same state of mind that you
would have been in yourself, if you have got average human curiosity; that
is to say, I was as burning up as he was to find out which member of the
family it was that was left. So I took him over home myself; and an amazing
kind of a surprise party it was, too -- mdash; typhoons and cyclones of
frantic joy, and whole Niagaras of happy tears; and by George! we found the
aforetime young matron graying toward the imminent verge of her half
century, and the babies all men and women, and some of them married and
experimenting familywise themselves -- mdash; for not a soul of the tribe
was dead! Conceive of the ingenious devilishness of that queen: she had a
special hatred for this prisoner, and she had invented all those funerals
herself, to scorch his heart with; and the sublimest stroke of genius of
the whole thing was leaving the family-invoice a funeral short, so as to
let him wear his poor old soul out guessing.

   But for me, he never would have got out. Morgan le Fay hated him with
her whole heart, and she never would have softened toward him. And yet his
crime
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 152

was committed more in thoughtlessness than deliberate depravity. He had
said she had red hair. Well, she had; but that was no way to speak of it.
When redheaded people are above a certain social grade their hair is
auburn.

   Consider it: among these forty-seven captives there were five whose
names, offenses, and dates of incarceration were no longer known! One woman
and four men -- mdash; all bent, and wrinkled, and mind-extinguished
patriarchs. They themselves had long ago forgotten these details; at any
rate they had mere vague theories about them, nothing definite and nothing
that they repeated twice in the same way. The succession of priests whose
office it had been to pray daily with the captives and remind them that God
had put them there, for some wise purpose or other, and teach them that
patience, humbleness, and submission to oppression was what He loved to see
in parties of a subordinate rank, had traditions about these poor old human
ruins, but nothing more. These traditions went but little way, for they
concerned the length of the incarceration only, and not the names of the
offenses. And even by the help of tradition the only thing that could be
proven was that none of the five had seen daylight for thirty-five years:
how much longer this privation has lasted was not guessable. The king and
the queen knew nothing about these poor creatures, except that they were
heirlooms, assets inherited, along with the throne, from the former firm.
Nothing of their history had been transmitted with their persons, and so
the inheriting owners had considered them of no value, and had felt no
interest in them. I said to the queen:
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 153

   "Then why in the world didn't you set them free?"

   The question was a puzzler. She didn't know why she hadn't, the thing
had never come up in her mind. So here she was, forecasting the veritable
history of future prisoners of the Castle d'If, without knowing it. It
seemed plain to me now, that with her training, those inherited prisoners
were merely property -- mdash; nothing more, nothing less. Well, when we
inherit property, it does not occur to us to throw it away, even when we do
not value it.

   When I brought my procession of human bats up into the open world and
the glare of the afternoon sun -- mdash; previously blindfolding them, in
charity for eyes so long untortured by light -- mdash; they were a
spectacle to look at. Skeletons, scarecrows, goblins, pathetic frights,
every one; legitimatest possible children of Monarchy by the Grace of God
and the Established Church. I muttered absently:

   "I wish I could photograph them!"

   You have seen that kind of people who will never let on that they don't
know the meaning of a new big word. The more ignorant they are, the more
pitifully certain they are to pretend you haven't shot over their heads.
The queen was just one of that sort, and was always making the stupidest
blunders by reason of it. She hesitated a moment; then her face brightened
up with sudden comprehension, and she said she would do it for me.

   I thought to myself: She? why what can she know about photography? But
it was a poor time to be thinking. When I looked around, she was moving on
the procession with an axe!

   Well, she certainly was a curious one, was Morgan
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 154

le Fay. I have seen a good many kinds of women in my time, but she laid
over them all for variety. And how sharply characteristic of her this
episode was. She had no more idea than a horse of how to photograph a
procession; but being in doubt, it was just like her to try to do it with
an axe.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 155

                                 Chapter 19

                         KNIGHT-ERRANTRY AS A TRADE

   SANDY and I were on the road again, next morning, bright and early. It
was so good to open up one's lungs and take in whole luscious barrels-ful
of the blessed God's untainted, dew-fashioned, woodland-scented air once
more, after suffocating body and mind for two days and nights in the moral
and physical stenches of that intolerable old buzzard-roost! mean, for me:
of course the place was all right and agreeable enough for Sandy, for she
had been used to high life all her days.

   Poor girl, her jaws had had a wearisome rest now for a while, and I was
expecting to get the consequences. I was right; but she had stood by me
most helpfully in the castle, and had mightily supported and reinforced me
with gigantic foolishnesses which were worth more for the occasion than
wisdoms double their size; so I thought she had earned a right to work her
mill for a while, if she wanted to, and I felt not a pang when she started
it up:

   "Now turn we unto Sir Marhaus that rode with the damsel of thirty winter
of age southward -- mdash; "

   "Are you going to see if you can work up another half-stretch on the
trail of the cowboys, Sandy?"

   "Even so, fair my lord."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 156

   "Go ahead, then. I won't interrupt this time, if I can help it. Begin
over again; start fair, and shake out all your reefs, and I will load my
pipe and give good attention."

   "Now turn we unto Sir Marhaus that rode with the damsel of thirty winter
of age southward. And so they came into a deep forest, and by fortune they
were nighted, and rode along in a deep way, and at the last they came into
a courtelage where abode the duke of South Marches, and there they asked
harbour. And on the morn the duke sent unto Sir Marhaus, and bad him make
him ready. And so Sir Marhaus arose and armed him, and there was a mass
sung afore him, and he brake his fast, and so mounted on horseback in the
court of the castle, there they should do the battle. So there was the duke
already on horseback, clean armed, and his six sons by him, and every each
had a spear in his hand, and so they encountered, whereas the duke and his
two sons brake their spears upon him, but Sir Marhaus held up his spear and
touched none of them. Then came the four sons by couples, and two of them
brake their spears, and so did the other two. And all this while Sir
Marhaus touched them not. Then Sir Marhaus ran to the duke, and smote him
with his spear that horse and man fell to the earth. And so he served his
sons. And then Sir Marhaus alight down, and bad the duke yield him or else
he would slay him. And then some of his sons recovered, and would have set
upon Sir Marhaus. Then Sir Marhaus said to the duke, Cease thy sons, or
else I will do the uttermost to you all. When the duke saw he might not
escape the death, he cried to his sons, and charged them to yield
                                  [Image]

      `Then Sir Marhaus ran to the duke, and smote him with his spear'

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 157

them to Sir Marhaus. And they kneeled all down and put the pommels of their
swords to the knight, and so he received them. And then they holp up their
father, and so by their common assent promised unto Sir Marhaus never to be
foes unto King Arthur, and thereupon at Whitsuntide after, to come he and
his sons, and put them in the king's grace. The story is borrowed, language
and all, from the Morte d'Arthur. -- mdash; M.T.

   "Even so standeth the history, fair Sir Boss. Now ye shall wit that that
very duke and his six sons are they whom but few days past you also did
overcome and send to Arthur's court!"

   "Why, Sandy, you can't mean it!"

   "An I speak not sooth, let it be the worse for me."

   "Well, well, well, -- mdash; now who would ever have thought it? One
whole duke and six dukelets; why, Sandy, it was an elegant haul.
Knight-errantry is a most chuckle-headed trade, and it is tedious hard
work, too, but I begin to see that there is money in it, after all, if you
have luck. Not that I would ever engage in it as a business, for I
wouldn't. No sound and legitimate business can be established on a basis of
speculation. A successful whirl in the knight-errantry line -- mdash; now
what is it when you blow away the nonsense and come down to the cold facts?
It's just a corner in pork, that's all, and you can't make anything else
out of it. You're rich -- mdash; yes, -- mdash; suddenly rich -- mdash; for
about a day, maybe a week; then somebody corners the market on you, and
down goes your bucket-shop; ain't that so, Sandy?"

   "Whethersoever it be that my mind miscarrieth,
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 158

bewraying simple language in such sort that the words do seem to come
endlong and overthwart -- mdash; "

   "There's no use in beating about the bush and trying to get around it
that way, Sandy, it's so, just as I say. I know it's so. And, moreover,
when you come right down to the bedrock, knight-errantry is worse than
pork; for whatever happens, the pork's left, and so somebody's benefited
anyway; but when the market breaks, in a knight-errantry whirl, and every
knight in the pool passes in his checks, what have you got for assets? Just
a rubbish-pile of battered corpses and a barrel or two of busted hardware.
Can you call those assets? Give me pork, every time. Am I right?"

   "Ah, peradventure my head being distraught by the manifold matters
whereunto the confusions of these but late adventured haps and fortunings
whereby not I alone nor you alone, but every each of us, meseemeth --
mdash; "

   "No, it's not your head, Sandy. Your head's all right, as far as it
goes, but you don't know business; that's where the trouble is. It unfits
you to argue about business, and you're wrong to be always trying. However,
that aside, it was a good haul, anyway, and will breed a handsome crop of
reputation in Arthur's court. And speaking of the cowboys, what a curious
country this is for women and men that never get old. Now there's Morgan le
Fay, as fresh and young as a Vassar pullet, to all appearances, and here is
this old duke of the South Marches still slashing away with sword and lance
at his time of life, after raising such a family as he has raised. As I
understand it, Sir Gawaine killed seven of his sons, and
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 159

still he had six left for Sir Marhaus and me to take into camp. And then
there was that damsel of sixty winter of age still excursioning around in
her frosty bloom -- mdash; How old are you, Sandy?"

   It was the first time I ever struck a still place in her. The mill had
shut down for repairs, or something.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 160

                                 Chapter 20

                             THE OGRE'S CASTLE

   BETWEEN six and nine we made ten miles, which was plenty for a horse
carrying triple -- mdash; man, woman, and armor; then we stopped for a long
nooning under some trees by a limpid brook.

   Right so came by and by a knight riding; and as he drew near he made
dolorous moan, and by the words of it I perceived that he was cursing and
swearing; yet nevertheless was I glad of his coming, for that I saw he bore
a bulletin-board whereon in letters all of shining gold was writ:

    "USE PETERSON'S PROPHYLACTIC TOOTH-BRUSH -- mdash; ALL THE GO."

   I was glad of his coming, for even by this token I knew him for knight
of mine. It was Sir Madok de la Montaine, a burly great fellow whose chief
distinction was that he had come within an ace of sending Sir Launcelot
down over his horse-tail once. He was never long in a stranger's presence
without finding some pretext or other to let out that great fact. But there
was another fact of nearly the same size, which he never pushed upon
anybody unasked, and yet never withheld when asked: that was, that the
reason he
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 161

didn't quite succeed was, that he was interrupted and sent down over
horse-tail himself. This innocent vast lubber did not see any particular
difference between the two facts. I liked him, for he was earnest in his
work, and very valuable. And he was so fine to look at, with his broad
mailed shoulders, and the grand leonine set of his plumed head, and his big
shield with its quaint device of a gauntleted hand clutching a prophylactic
tooth-brush, with motto: "Try Noyoudont." This was a tooth-wash that I was
introducing.

   He was aweary, he said, and indeed he looked it; but he would not
alight. He said he was after the stove-polish man; and with this he broke
out cursing and swearing anew. The bulletin-boarder referred to was Sir
Ossaise of Surluse, a brave knight, and of considerable celebrity on
account of his having tried conclusions in a tournament once, with no less
a Mogul that Sir Gaheris himself -- mdash; although not successfully. He
was of a light and laughing disposition, and to him nothing in this world
was serious. It was for this reason that I had chosen him to work up a
stove-polish sentiment. There were no stoves yet, and so there could be
nothing serious about stove-polish. All that the agent needed to do was to
deftly and by degrees prepare the public for the great change, and have
them established in predilections toward neatness against the time when the
stove should appear upon the stage.

   Sir Madok was very bitter, and brake out anew with cursings. He said he
had cursed his soul to rags; and yet he would not get down from his horse,
neither would he take any rest, or listen to any comfort, until he should
have found Sir Ossaise and settled this account.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 162

It appeared, by what I could piece together of the unprofane fragments of
his statement, that he had chanced upon Sir Ossaise at dawn of the morning,
and been told that if he would make a short cut across the fields and
swamps and broken hills and glades, he could head off a company of
travelers who would be rare customers for prophylactics and tooth-wash.
With characteristic zeal Sir Madok had plunged away at once upon this
quest, and after three hours of awful crosslot riding had overhauled his
game. And behold, it was the five patriarchs that had been released from
the dungeons the evening before! Poor old creatures, it was all of twenty
years since any one of them had known what it was to be equipped with any
remaining snag or remnant of a tooth.

   "Blank-blank-blank him," said Sir Madok, "an I do not stove-polish him
an I may find him, leave it to me; for never no knight that hight Ossaise
or aught else may do me this disservice and bide on live, an I may find
him, the which I have thereunto sworn a great oath this day."

   And with these words and others, he lightly took his spear and gat him
thence. In the middle of the afternoon we came upon one of those very
patriarchs ourselves, in the edge of a poor village. He was basking in the
love of relatives and friends whom he had not seen for fifty years; and
about him and caressing him were also descendants of his own body whom he
had never seen at all till now; but to him these were all strangers, his
memory was gone, his mind was stagnant. It seemed incredible that a man
could outlast half a century shut up in a dark hole like a rat, but here
were his old wife and some old comrades to
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 163

testify to it. They could remember him as he was in the freshness and
strength of his young manhood, when he kissed his child and delivered it to
its mother's hands and went away into that long oblivion. The people at the
castle could not tell within half a generation the length of time the man
had been shut up there for his unrecorded and forgotten offense; but this
old wife knew; and so did her old child, who stood there among her married
sons and daughters trying to realize a father who had been to her a name, a
thought, a formless image, a tradition, all her life, and now was suddenly
concreted into actual flesh and blood and set before her face.

   It was a curious situation; yet it is not on that account that I have
made room for it here, but on account of a thing which seemed to me still
more curious. To wit, that this dreadful matter brought from these
downtrodden people no outburst of rage against these oppressors. They had
been heritors and subjects of cruelty and outrage so long that nothing
could have startled them but a kindness. Yes, here was a curious
revelation, indeed, of the depth to which this people had been sunk in
slavery. Their entire being was reduced to a monotonous dead level of
patience, resignation, dumb uncomplaining acceptance of whatever might
befall them in this life. Their very imagination was dead. When you can say
that of a man, he has struck bottom, I reckon; there is no lower deep for
him.

   I rather wished I had gone some other road. This was not the sort of
experience for a statesman to encounter who was planning out a peaceful
revolution in his mind. For it could not help bringing up the
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 164

un-get-aroundable fact that, all gentle cant and philosophizing to the
contrary notwithstanding, no people in the world ever did achieve their
freedom by goody-goody talk and moral suasion: it being immutable law that
all revolutions that will succeed must begin in blood, whatever may answer
afterward. If history teaches anything, it teaches that. What this folk
needed, then, was a Reign of Terror and a guillotine, and I was the wrong
man for them.

   Two days later, toward noon, Sandy began to show signs of excitement and
feverish expectancy. She said we were approaching the ogre's castle. I was
surprised into an uncomfortable shock. The object of our quest had
gradually dropped out of my mind; this sudden resurrection of it made it
seem quite a real and startling thing for a moment, and roused up in me a
smart interest. Sandy's excitement increased every moment; and so did mine,
for that sort of thing is catching. My heart got to thumping. You can't
reason with your heart; it has its own laws, and thumps about things which
the intellect scorns. Presently, when Sandy slid from the horse, motioned
me to stop, and went creeping stealthily, with her head bent nearly to her
knees, toward a row of bushes that bordered a declivity, the thumpings grew
stronger and quicker. And they kept it up while she was gaining her ambush
and getting her glimpse over the declivity; and also while I was creeping
to her side on my knees. Her eyes were burning now, as she pointed with her
finger, and said in a panting whisper:

   "The castle! The castle! Lo, where it looms!"

   What a welcome disappointment I experienced! I said:
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 165

   "Castle? It is nothing but a pigsty; a pigsty with a wattled fence
around it."

   She looked surprised and distressed. The animation faded out of her
face; and during many moments she was lost in thought and silent. Then:

   "It was not enchanted aforetime," she said in a musing fashion, as if to
herself. "And how strange is this marvel, and how awful -- mdash; that to
the one perception it is enchanted and dight in a base and shameful aspect;
yet to the perception of the other it is not enchanted, hath suffered no
change, but stands firm and stately still, girt with its moat and waving
its banners in the blue air from its towers. And God shield us, how it
pricks the heart to see again these gracious captives, and the sorrow
deepened in their sweet faces! We have tarried along, and are to blame."

   I saw my cue. The castle was enchanted to me, not to her. It would be
wasted time to try to argue her out of her delusion, it couldn't be done; I
must just humor it. So I said:

   "This is a common case -- mdash; the enchanting of a thing to one eye
and leaving it in its proper form to another. You have heard of it before,
Sandy, though you haven't happened to experience it. But no harm is done.
In fact, it is lucky the way it is. If these ladies were hogs to everybody
and to themselves, it would be necessary to break the enchantment, and that
might be impossible if one failed to find out the particular process of the
enchantment. And hazardous, too; for in attempting a disenchantment without
the true key, you are liable to err, and turn your hogs into dogs, and the
dogs into cats, the cats
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 166

into rats, and so on, and end by reducing your materials to nothing
finally, or to an odorless gas which you can't follow -- mdash; which, of
course, amounts to the same thing. But here, by good luck, no one's eyes
but mine are under the enchantment, and so it is of no consequence to
dissolve it. These ladies remain ladies to you, and to themselves, and to
everybody else; and at the same time they will suffer in no way from my
delusion, for when I know that an ostensible hog is a lady, that is enough
for me, I know how to treat her."

   "Thanks, oh, sweet my lord, thou talkest like an angel. And I know that
thou wilt deliver them, for that thou art minded to great deeds and art as
strong a knight of your hands and as brave to will and to do, as any that
is on live."

   "I will not leave a princess in the sty, Sandy. Are those three yonder
that to my disordered eyes are starveling swine-herds -- mdash; "

   "The ogres, Are they changed also? It is most wonderful. Now am I
fearful; for how canst thou strike with sure aim when five of their nine
cubits of stature are to thee invisible? Ah, go warily, fair sir; this is a
mightier emprise than I wend."

   "You be easy, Sandy. All I need to know is, how much of an ogre is
invisible; then I know how to locate his vitals. Don't you be afraid, I
will make short work of these bunco-steerers. Stay where you are."

   I left Sandy kneeling there, corpse-faced but plucky and hopeful, and
rode down to the pigsty, and struck up a trade with the swine-herds. I won
their gratitude by buying out all the hogs at the lump sum of
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 167

sixteen pennies, which was rather above latest quotations. I was just in
time; for the Church, the lord of the manor, and the rest of the
tax-gatherers would have been along next day and swept off pretty much all
the stock, leaving the swine-herds very short of hogs and Sandy out of
princesses. But now the tax people could be paid in cash, and there would
be a stake left besides. One of the men had ten children; and he said that
last year when a priest came and of his ten pigs took the fattest one for
tithes, the wife burst out upon him, and offered him a child and said:

   "Thou beast without bowels of mercy, why leave me my child, yet rob me
of the wherewithal to feed it?"

   How curious. The same thing had happened in the Wales of my day, under
this same old Established Church, which was supposed by many to have
changed its nature when it changed its disguise.

   I sent the three men away, and then opened the sty gate and beckoned
Sandy to come -- mdash; which she did; and not leisurely, but with the rush
of a prairie fire. And when I saw her fling herself upon those hogs, with
tears of joy running down her cheeks, and strain them to her heart, and
kiss them, and caress them, and call them reverently by grand princely
names, I was ashamed of her, ashamed of the human race.

   We had to drive those hogs home -- mdash; ten miles; and no ladies were
ever more fickle-minded or contrary. They would stay in no road, no path;
they broke out through the brush on all sides, and flowed away in all
directions, over rocks, and hills, and the roughest
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 168

places they could find. And they must not be struck, or roughly accosted;
Sandy could not bear to see them treated in ways unbecoming their rank. The
troublesomest old sow of the lot had to be called my Lady, and your
Highness, like the rest. It is annoying and difficult to scour around after
hogs, in armor. There was one small countess, with an iron ring in her
snout and hardly any hair on her back, that was the devil for perversity.
She gave me a race of an hour, over all sorts of country, and then we were
right where we had started from, having made not a rod of real progress. I
seized her at last by the tail, and brought her along squealing. When I
overtook Sandy she was horrified, and said it was in the last degree
indelicate to drag a countess by her train.

   We got the hogs home just at dark -- mdash; most of them. The princess
Nerovens de Morganore was missing, and two of her ladies in waiting:
namely, Miss Angela Bohun, and the Demoiselle Elaine Courtemains, the
former of these two being a young black sow with a white star in her
forehead, and the latter a brown one with thin legs and a slight limp in
the forward shank on the starboard side -- mdash; a couple of the tryingest
blisters to drive that I ever saw. Also among the missing were several mere
baronesses -- mdash; and I wanted them to stay missing; but no, all that
sausage-meat had to be found; so servants were sent out with torches to
scour the woods and hills to that end.

   Of course, the whole drove was housed in the house, and, great guns! --
mdash; well, I never saw anything like it. Nor ever heard anything like it.
And never smelt anything like it. It was like an insurrection in a
gasometer.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 169

                                 Chapter 21

                                THE PILGRIMS

   WHEN I did get to bed at last I was unspeakably tired; the stretching
out, and the relaxing of the long-tense muscles, how luxurious, how
delicious! but that was as far as I could get -- mdash; sleep was out of
the question for the present. The ripping and tearing and squealing of the
nobility up and down the halls and corridors was pandemonium come again,
and kept me broad awake. Being awake, my thoughts were busy, of course; and
mainly they busied themselves with Sandy's curious delusion. Here she was,
as sane a person as the kingdom could produce; and yet, from my point of
view she was acting like a crazy woman. My land, the power of training! of
influence! of education! It can bring a body up to believe anything. I had
to put myself in Sandy's place to realize that she was not a lunatic. Yes,
and put her in mine, to demonstrate how easy it is to seem a lunatic to a
person who has not been taught as you have been taught. If I had told Sandy
I had seen a wagon, uninfluenced by enchantment, spin along fifty miles an
hour; had seen a man, unequipped with magic powers, get into a basket and
soar out of sight among the clouds; and had listened, without any
necromancer's help, to the conversation of a person who was several hundred
miles
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 170

away, Sandy would not merely have supposed me to be crazy, she would have
thought she knew it. Everybody around her believed in enchantments; nobody
had any doubts; to doubt that a castle could be turned into a sty, and its
occupants into hogs, would have been the same as my doubting among
Connecticut people the actuality of the telephone and its wonders, --
mdash; and in both cases would be absolute proof of a diseased mind, an
unsettled reason. Yes, Sandy was sane; that must be admitted. If I also
would be sane -- mdash; to Sandy -- mdash; I must keep my superstitions
about unenchanted and unmiraculous locomotives, balloons, and telephones,
to myself. Also, I believed that the world was not flat, and hadn't pillars
under it to support it, nor a canopy over it to turn off a universe of
water that occupied all space above; but as I was the only person in the
kingdom afflicted with such impious and criminal opinions, I recognized
that it would be good wisdom to keep quiet about this matter, too, if I did
not wish to be suddenly shunned and forsaken by everybody as a madman.

   The next morning Sandy assembled the swine in the dining-room and gave
them their breakfast, waiting upon them personally and manifesting in every
way the deep reverence which the natives of her island, ancient and modern,
have always felt for rank, let its outward casket and the mental and moral
contents be what they may. I could have eaten with the hogs if I had had
birth approaching my lofty official rank; but I hadn't, and so accepted the
unavoidable slight and made no complaint. Sandy and I had our breakfast at
the second table. The family were not at home. I said:
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 171

   "How many are in the family, Sandy, and where do they keep themselves?"

   "Family?"

   "Yes."

   "Which family, good my lord?"

   "Why, this family; your own family."

   "Sooth to say, I understand you not. I have no family."

   "No family? Why, Sandy, isn't this your home?"

   "Now how indeed might that be? I have no home."

   "Well, then, whose house is this?"

   "Ah, wit you well I would tell you an I knew myself."

   "Come -- mdash; you don't even know these people? Then who invited us
here?"

   "None invited us. We but came; that is all."

   "Why, woman, this is a most extraordinary performance. The effrontery of
it is beyond admiration. We blandly march into a man's house, and cram it
full of the only really valuable nobility the sun has yet discovered in the
earth, and then it turns out that we don't even know the man's name. How
did you ever venture to take this extravagant liberty? I supposed, of
course, it was your home. What will the man say?"

   "What will he say? Forsooth what can he say but give thanks?"

   "Thanks for what?"

   Her face was filled with a puzzled surprise:

   "Verily, thou troublest mine understanding with strange words. Do ye
dream that one of his estate is like to have the honor twice in his life to
entertain
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 172

company such as we have brought to grace his house withal?"

   "Well, no -- mdash; when you come to that. No, it's an even bet that
this is the first time he has had a treat like this."

   "Then let him be thankful, and manifest the same by grateful speech and
due humility; he were a dog, else, and the heir and ancestor of dogs."

   To my mind, the situation was uncomfortable. It might become more so. It
might be a good idea to muster the hogs and move on. So I said:

   "The day is wasting, Sandy. It is time to get the nobility together and
be moving."

   "Wherefore, fair sir and Boss?"

   "We want to take them to their home, don't we?"

   "La, but list to him! They be of all the regions of the earth! Each must
hie to her own home; wend you we might do all these journeys in one so
brief life as He hath appointed that created life, and thereto death
likewise with help of Adam, who by sin done through persuasion of his
helpmeet, she being wrought upon and bewrayed by the beguilements of the
great enemy of man, that serpent hight Satan, aforetime consecrated and set
apart unto that evil work by overmastering spite and envy begotten in his
heart through fell ambitions that did blight and mildew a nature erst so
white and pure whenso it hove with the shining multitudes its brethren-born
in glade and shade of that fair heaven wherein all such as native be to
that rich estate and -- mdash; "

   "Great Scott!"

   "My lord?"

   "Well, you know we haven't got time for this sort
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 173

of thing. Don't you see, we could distribute these people around the earth
in less time than it is going to take you to explain that we can't. We
mustn't talk now, we must act. You want to be careful; you mustn't let your
mill get the start of you that way, at a time like this. To business now --
mdash; and sharp's the word. Who is to take the aristocracy home?"

   "Even their friends. These will come for them from the far parts of the
earth."

   This was lightning from a clear sky, for unexpectedness; and the relief
of it was like pardon to a prisoner. She would remain to deliver the goods,
of course.

   "Well, then, Sandy, as our enterprise is handsomely and successfully
ended, I will go home and report; and if ever another one -- mdash; "

   "I also am ready; I will go with thee."

   This was recalling the pardon.

   "How? You will go with me? Why should you?"

   "Will I be traitor to my knight, dost think? That were dishonor. I may
not part from thee until in knightly encounter in the field some
overmatching champion shall fairly win and fairly wear me. I were to blame
an I thought that that might ever hap."

   "Elected for the long term," I sighed to myself. "I may as well make the
best of it." So then I spoke up and said:

   "All right; let us make a start."

   While she was gone to cry her farewells over the pork, I gave that whole
peerage away to the servants. And I asked them to take a duster and dust
around a little where the nobilities had mainly lodged and promenaded; but
they considered that that would be
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 174

hardly worth while, and would moreover be a rather grave departure from
custom, and therefore likely to make talk. A departure from custom --
mdash; that settled it; it was a nation capable of committing any crime but
that. The servants said they would follow the fashion, a fashion grown
sacred through immemorial observance; they would scatter fresh rushes in
all the rooms and halls, and then the evidence of the aristocratic
visitation would be no longer visible. It was a kind of satire on Nature:
it was the scientific method, the geologic method; it deposited the history
of the family in a stratified record; and the antiquary could dig through
it and tell by the remains of each period what changes of diet the family
had introduced successively for a hundred years.

   The first thing we struck that day was a procession of pilgrims. It was
not going our way, but we joined it, nevertheless; for it was hourly being
borne in upon me now, that if I would govern this country wisely, I must be
posted in the details of its life, and not at second hand, but by personal
observation and scrutiny.

   This company of pilgrims resembled Chaucer's in this: that it had in it
a sample of about all the upper occupations and professions the country
could show, and a corresponding variety of costume. There were young men
and old men, young women and old women, lively folk and grave folk. They
rode upon mules and horses, and there was not a side-saddle in the party;
for this specialty was to remain unknown in England for nine hundred years
yet.

   It was a pleasant, friendly, sociable herd; pious, happy, merry and full
of unconscious coarsenesses and innocent indecencies. What they regarded as
the
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 175

merry tale went the continual round and caused no more embarrassment than
it would have caused in the best English society twelve centuries later.
Practical jokes worthy of the English wits of the first quarter of the
far-off nineteenth century were sprung here and there and yonder along the
line, and compelled the delightedest applause; and sometimes when a bright
remark was made at one end of the procession and started on its travels
toward the other, you could note its progress all the way by the sparkling
spray of laughter it threw off from its bows as it plowed along; and also
by the blushes of the mules in its wake.

   Sandy knew the goal and purpose of this pilgrimage, and she posted me.
She said:

   "They journey to the Valley of Holiness, for to be blessed of the godly
hermits and drink of the miraculous waters and be cleased from sin."

   "Where is this watering place?"

   "It lieth a two-day journey hence, by the borders of the land that hight
the Cuckoo Kingdom."

   "Tell me about it. Is it a celebrated place?"

   "Oh, of a truth, yes. There be none more so. Of old time there lived
there an abbot and his monks. Belike were none in the world more holy than
these; for they gave themselves to study of pious books, and spoke not the
one to the other, or indeed to any, and ate decayed herbs and naught
thereto, and slept hard, and prayed much, and washed never; also they wore
the same garment until it fell from their bodies through age and decay.
Right so came they to be known of all the world by reason of these holy
austerities, and visited by rich and poor, and reverenced."

   "Proceed."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 176

   "But always there was lack of water there. Whereas, upon a time, the
holy abbot prayed, and for answer a great stream of clear water burst forth
by miracle in a desert place. Now were the fickle monks tempted of the
Fiend, and they wrought with their abbot unceasingly by beggings and
beseechings that he would construct a bath; and when he was become aweary
and might not resist more, he said have ye your will, then, and granted
that they asked. Now mark thou what 'tis to forsake the ways of purity the
which He loveth, and wanton with such as be worldly and an offense. These
monks did enter into the bath and come thence washed as white as snow; and
lo, in that moment His sign appeared, in miraculous rebuke! for His
insulted waters ceased to flow, and utterly vanished away."

   "They fared mildly, Sandy, considering how that kind of crime is
regarded in this country."

   "Belike; but it was their first sin; and they had been of perfect life
for long, and differing in naught from the angels. Prayers, tears,
torturings of the flesh, all was vain to beguile that water to flow again.
Even processions; even burnt-offerings; even votive candles to the Virgin,
did fail every each of them; and all in the land did marvel."

   "How odd to find that even this industry has its financial panics, and
at times sees its assignats and greenbacks languish to zero, and everything
come to a standstill. Go on, Sandy."

   "And so upon a time, after year and day, the good abbot made humble
surrender and destroyed the bath. And behold, His anger was in that moment
appeased, and the waters gushed richly forth again, and even
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 177

unto this day they have not ceased to flow in that generous measure."

   "Then I take it nobody has washed since."

   "He that would essay it could have his halter free; yes, and swiftly
would he need it, too."

   "The community has prospered since?"

   "Even from that very day. The fame of the miracle went abroad into all
lands. From every land came monks to join; they came even as the fishes
come, in shoals; and the monastery added building to building, and yet
others to these, and so spread wide its arms and took them in. And nuns
came, also; and more again, and yet more; and built over against the
monastery on the yon side of the vale, and added building to building,
until mighty was that nunnery. And these were friendly unto those, and they
joined their loving labors together, and together they built a fair great
foundling asylum midway of the valley between."

   "You spoke of some hermits, Sandy."

   "These have gathered there from the ends of the earth. A hermit thriveth
best where there be multitudes of pilgrims. Ye shall not find no hermit of
no sort wanting. If any shall mention a hermit of a kind he thinketh new
and not to be found but in some far strange land, let him but scratch among
the holes and caves and swamps that line that Valley of Holiness, and
whatsoever be his breed, it skills not, he shall find a sample of it
there."

   I closed up alongside of a burly fellow with a fat good-humored face,
purposing to make myself agreeable and pick up some further crumbs of fact;
but I had hardly more than scraped acquaintance with him when he began
eagerly and awkwardly to lead up, in
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 178

the immemorial way, to that same old anecdote -- mdash; the one Sir Dinadan
told me, what time I got into trouble with Sir Sagramor and was challenged
of him on account of it. I excused myself and dropped to the rear of the
procession, sad at heart, willing to go hence from this troubled life, this
vale of tears, this brief day of broken rest, of cloud and storm, of weary
struggle and monotonous defeat; and yet shrinking from the change, as
remembering how long eternity is, and how many have wended thither who know
that anecdote.

   Early in the afternoon we overtook another procession of pilgrims; but
in this one was no merriment, no jokes, no laughter, no playful ways, nor
any happy giddiness, whether of youth or age. Yet both were here, both age
and youth; gray old men and women, strong men and women of middle age,
young husbands, young wives, little boys and girls, and three babies at the
breast. Even the children were smileless; there was not a face among all
these half a hundred people but was cast down, and bore that set expression
of hopelessness which is bred of long and hard trials and old acquaintance
with despair. They were slaves. Chains led from their fettered feet and
their manacled hands to a sole-leather belt about their waists; and all
except the children were also linked together in a file six feet apart, by
a single chain which led from collar to collar all down the line. They were
on foot, and had tramped three hundred miles in eighteen days, upon the
cheapest odds and ends of food, and stingy rations of that. They had slept
in these chains every night, bundled together like swine. They had upon
their bodies some poor rags, but they could not be said to be clothed.
Their irons had
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 179

chafed the skin from their ankles and made sores which were ulcerated and
wormy. Their naked feet were torn, and none walked without a limp.
Originally there had been a hundred of these unfortunates, but about half
had been sold on the trip. The trader in charge of them rode a horse and
carried a whip with a short handle and a long heavy lash divided into
several knotted tails at the end. With this whip he cut the shoulders of
any that tottered from weariness and pain, and straightened them up. He did
not speak; the whip conveyed his desire without that. None of these poor
creatures looked up as we rode along by; they showed no consciousness of
our presence. And they made no sound but one; that was the dull and awful
clank of their chains from end to end of the long file, as forty-three
burdened feet rose and fell in unison. The file moved in a cloud of its own
making.

   All these faces were gray with a coating of dust. One has seen the like
of this coating upon furniture in unoccupied houses, and has written his
idle thought in it with his finger. I was reminded of this when I noticed
the faces of some of those women, young mothers carrying babes that were
near to death and freedom, how a something in their hearts was written in
the dust upon their faces, plain to see, and lord, how plain to read! for
it was the track of tears. One of these young mothers was but a girl, and
it hurt me to the heart to read that writing, and reflect that it was come
up out of the breast of such a child, a breast that ought not to know
trouble yet, but only the gladness of the morning of life; and no doubt --
mdash;

   She reeled just then, giddy with fatigue, and down came the lash and
flicked a flake of skin from her
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 180

naked shoulder. It stung me as if I had been hit instead. The master halted
the file and jumped from his horse. He stormed and swore at this girl, and
said she had made annoyance enough with her laziness, and as this was the
last chance he should have, he would settle the account now. She dropped on
her knees and put up her hands and began to beg, and cry, and implore, in a
passion of terror, but the master gave no attention. He snatched the child
from her, and then made the men-slaves who were chained before and behind
her throw her on the ground and hold her there and expose her body; and
then he laid on with his lash like a madman till her back was flayed, she
shrieking and struggling the while piteously. One of the men who was
holding her turned away his face, and for this humanity he was reviled and
flogged.

   All our pilgrims looked on and commented -- mdash; on the expert way in
which the whip was handled. They were too much hardened by lifelong
everyday familiarity with slavery to notice that there was anything else in
the exhibition that invited comment. This was what slavery could do, in the
way of ossifying what one may call the superior lobe of human feeling; for
these pilgrims were kind-hearted people, and they would not have allowed
that man to treat a horse like that.

   I wanted to stop the whole thing and set the slaves free, but that would
not do. I must not interfere too much and get myself a name for riding over
the country's laws and the citizen's rights roughshod. If I lived and
prospered I would be the death of slavery, that I was resolved upon; but I
would try to fix it so
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 181

that when I became its executioner it should be by command of the nation.

   Just here was the wayside shop of a smith; and now arrived a landed
proprietor who had bought this girl a few miles back, deliverable here
where her irons could be taken off. They were removed; then there was a
squabble between the gentleman and the dealer as to which should pay the
blacksmith. The moment the girl was delivered from her irons, she flung
herself, all tears and frantic sobbings, into the arms of the slave who had
turned away his face when she was whipped. He strained her to his breast,
and smothered her face and the child's with kisses, and washed them with
the rain of his tears. I suspected. I inquired. Yes, I was right; it was
husband and wife. They had to be torn apart by force; the girl had to be
dragged away, and she struggled and fought and shrieked like one gone mad
till a turn of the road hid her from sight; and even after that, we could
still make out the fading plaint of those receding shrieks. And the husband
and father, with his wife and child gone, never to be seen by him again in
life? -- mdash; well, the look of him one might not bear at all, and so I
turned away; but I knew I should never get his picture out of my mind
again, and there it is to this day, to wring my heartstrings whenever I
think of it.

   We put up at the inn in a village just at nightfall, and when I rose
next morning and looked abroad, I was ware where a knight came riding in
the golden glory of the new day, and recognized him for knight of mine --
mdash; Sir Ozana le Cure Hardy. He was in the gentlemen's furnishing line,
and his missionarying specialty was plug hats. He was clothed all in steel,
in the
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 182

beautifulest armor of the time -- mdash; up to where his helmet ought to
have been; but he hadn't any helmet, he wore a shiny stove-pipe hat, and
was ridiculous a spectacle as one might want to see. It was another of my
surreptitious schemes for extinguishing knighthood by making it grotesque
and absurd. Sir Ozana's saddle was hung about with leather hat boxes, and
every time he overcame a wandering knight he swore him into my service and
fitted him with a plug and made him wear it. I dressed and ran down to
welcome Sir Ozana and get his news.

   "How is trade?" I asked.

   "Ye will note that I have but these four left; yet were they sixteen
whenas I got me from Camelot."

   "Why, you have certainly done nobly, Sir Ozana. Where have you been
foraging of late?"

   "I am but now come from the Valley of Holiness, please you sir."

   "I am pointed for that place myself. Is there anything stirring in the
monkery, more than common?"

   "By the mass ye may not question it!.... Give him good feed, boy, and
stint it not, an thou valuest thy crown; so get ye lightly to the stable
and do even as I bid...... Sir, it is parlous news I bring, and -- mdash;
be these pilgrims? Then ye may not do better, good folk, than gather and
hear the tale I have to tell, sith it concerneth you, forasmuch as ye go to
find that ye will not find, and seek that ye will seek in vain, my life
being hostage for my word, and my word and message being these, namely:
That a hap has happened whereof the like has not been seen no more but once
this two hundred years, which was the first and last time that that said
misfortune strake the
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 183

holy valley in that form by commandment of the Most High whereto by reasons
just and causes thereunto contributing, wherein the matter -- mdash; "

   "The miraculous fount hath ceased to flow!" This shout burst from twenty
pilgrim mouths at once.

   "Ye say well, good people. I was verging to it, even when ye spake. "

   "Has somebody been washing again?"

   "Nay, it is suspected, but none believe it. It is thought to be some
other sin, but none wit what."

   "How are they feeling about the calamity?"

   "None may describe it in words. The fount is these nine days dry. The
prayers that did begin then, and the lamentations in sackcloth and ashes,
and the holy processions, none of these have ceased nor night nor day; and
so the monks and the nuns and the foundlings be all exhausted, and do hang
up prayers writ upon parchment, sith that no strength is left in man to
lift up voice. And at last they sent for thee, Sir Boss, to try magic and
enchantment; and if you could not come, then was the messenger to fetch
Merlin, and he is there these three days now, and saith he will fetch that
water though he burst the globe and wreck its kingdoms to accomplish it;
and right bravely doth he work his magic and call upon his hellions to hie
them hither and help, but not a whiff of moisture hath he started yet, even
so much as might qualify as mist upon a copper mirror an ye count not the
barrel of sweat he sweateth betwixt sun and sun over the dire labors of his
task; and if ye -- mdash; "

   Breakfast was ready. As soon as it was over I showed to Sir Ozana these
words which I had written on the inside of his hat: "Chemical Department,
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 184

Laboratory extension, Section G. Pxxp. Send two of first size, two of No.
3, and six of No. 4, together with the proper complementary details --
mdash; and two of my trained assistants." And I said:

   "Now get you to Camelot as fast as you can fly, brave knight, and show
the writing to Clarence, and tell him to have these required matters in the
Valley of Holiness with all possible dispatch."

   "I will well, Sir Boss," and he was off.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 185

                                 Chapter 22

                             THE HOLY FOUNTAIN

   THE pilgrims were human beings. Otherwise they would have acted
differently. They had come a long and difficult journey, and now when the
journey was nearly finished, and they learned that the main thing they had
come for had ceased to exist, they didn't do as horses or cats or
angle-worms would probably have done -- mdash; turn back and get at
something profitable -- mdash; no, anxious as they had before been to see
the miraculous fountain, they were as much as forty times as anxious now to
see the place where it had used to be. There is no accounting for human
beings.

   We made good time; and a couple of hours before sunset we stood upon the
high confines of the Valley of Holiness, and our eyes swept it from end to
end and noted its features. That is, its large features. These were the
three masses of buildings. They were distant and isolated temporalities
shrunken to toy constructions in the lonely waste of what seemed a desert
-- mdash; and was. Such a scene is always mournful, it is so impressively
still, and looks so steeped in death. But there was a sound here which
interrupted the stillness only to add to its mournfulness; this was the
faint far sound of tolling bells which floated fitfully to us on the
passing breeze, and so faintly, so
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 186

softly, that we hardly knew whether we heard it with our ears or with our
spirits.

   We reached the monastery before dark, and there the males were given
lodging, but the women were sent over to the nunnery. The bells were close
at hand now, and their solemn booming smote upon the ear like a message of
doom. A superstitious despair possessed the heart of every monk and
published itself in his ghastly face. Everywhere, these black-robed,
soft-sandaled, tallow-visaged specters appeared, flitted about and
disappeared, noiseless as the creatures of a troubled dream, and as
uncanny.

   The old abbot's joy to see me was pathetic. Even to tears; but he did
the shedding himself. He said:

   "Delay not, son, but get to thy saving work. An we bring not the water
back again, and soon, we are ruined, and the good work of two hundred years
must end. And see thou do it with enchantments that be holy, for the Church
will not endure that work in her cause be done by devil's magic."

   "When I work, Father, be sure there will be no devil's work connected
with it. I shall use no arts that come of the devil, and no elements not
created by the hand of God. But is Merlin working strictly on pious lines?"

   "Ah, he said he would, my son, he said he would, and took oath to make
his promise good."

   "Well, in that case, let him proceed."

   "But surely you will not sit idle by, but help?"

   "It will not answer to mix methods, Father; neither would it be
professional courtesy. Two of a trade must not underbid each other. We
might as well cut rates and be done with it; it would arrive at
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 187

that in the end. Merlin has the contract; no other magician can touch it
till he throws it up."

   "But I will take it from him; it is a terrible emergency and the act is
thereby justified. And if it were not so, who will give law to the Church?
The Church giveth law to all; and what she wills to do, that she may do,
hurt whom it may. I will take it from him; you shall begin upon the
moment."

   "It may not be, Father. No doubt, as you say, where power is supreme,
one can do as one likes and suffer no injury; but we poor magicians are not
so situated. Merlin is a very good magician in a small way, and has quite a
neat provincial reputation. He is struggling along, doing the best he can,
and it would not be etiquette for me to take his job until he himself
abandons it."

   The abbot's face lighted.

   "Ah, that is simple. There are ways to persuade him to abandon it."

   "No-no, Father, it skills not, as these people say. If he were persuaded
against his will, he would load that well with a malicious enchantment
which would balk me until I found out its secret. It might take a month. I
could set up a little enchantment of mine which I call the telephone, and
he could not find out its secret in a hundred years. Yes, you perceive, he
might block me for a month. Would you like to risk a month in a dry time
like this?"

   "A month! The mere thought of it maketh me to shudder. Have it thy way,
my son. But my heart is heavy with this disappointment. Leave me, and let
me wear my spirit with weariness and waiting, even as I have done these ten
long days, counterfeiting
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 188

thus the thing that is called rest, the prone body making outward sign of
repose where inwardly is none."

   Of course, it would have been best, all round, for Merlin to waive
etiquette and quit and call it half a day, since he would never be able to
start that water, for he was a true magician of the time; which is to say,
the big miracles, the ones that gave him his reputation, always had the
luck to be performed when nobody but Merlin was present; he couldn't start
this well with all this crowd around to see; a crowd was as bad for a
magician's miracle in that day as it was for a spiritualist's miracle in
mine; there was sure to be some skeptic on hand to turn up the gas at the
crucial moment and spoil everything. But I did not want Merlin to retire
from the job until I was ready to take hold of it effectively myself; and I
could not do that until I got my things from Camelot, and that would take
two or three days.

   My presence gave the monks hope, and cheered them up a good deal;
insomuch that they ate a square meal that night for the first time in ten
days. As soon as their stomachs had been properly reinforced with food,
their spirits began to rise fast; when the mead began to go round they rose
faster. By the time everybody was half-seas over, the holy community was in
good shape to make a night of it; so we stayed by the board and put it
through on that line. Matters got to be very jolly. Good old questionable
stories were told that made the tears run down and cavernous mouths stand
wide and the round bellies shake with laughter; and questionable songs were
bellowed out in a mighty chorus that drowned the boom of the tolling bells.

                                  [Image]

               `There are ways to persuade him to abandon it'

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 189

   At last I ventured a story myself; and vast was the success of it. Not
right off, of course, for the native of those islands does not, as a rule,
dissolve upon the early applications of a humorous thing; but the fifth
time I told it, they began to crack in places; the eight time I told it,
they began to crumble; at the twelfth repetition they fell apart in chunks;
and at the fifteenth they disintegrated, and I got a broom and swept them
up. This language is figurative. Those islanders -- mdash; well, they are
slow pay at first, in the matter of return for your investment of effort,
but in the end they make the pay of all other nations poor and small by
contrast.

   I was at the well next day betimes. Merlin was there, enchanting away
like a beaver, but not raising the moisture. He was not in a pleasant
humor; and every time I hinted that perhaps this contract was a shade too
hefty for a novice he unlimbered his tongue and cursed like a bishop --
mdash; French bishop of the Regency days, I mean.

   Matters were about as I expected to find them. The "fountain" was an
ordinary well, it had been dug in the ordinary way, and stoned up in the
ordinary way. There was no miracle about it. Even the lie that had created
its reputation was not miraculous; I could have told it myself, with one
hand tied behind me. The well was in a dark chamber which stood in the
center of a cut-stone chapel, whose walls were hung with pious pictures of
a workmanship that would have made a chromo feel good; pictures
historically commemorative of curative miracles which had been achieved by
the waters when nobody was looking. That is, nobody but angels; they are
always on deck
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 190

when there is a miracle to the fore -- mdash; so as to get put in the
picture, perhaps. Angels are as fond of that as a fire company; look at the
old masters.

   The well-chamber was dimly lighted by lamps; the water was drawn with a
windlass and chain by monks, and poured into troughs which delivered it
into stone reservoirs outside in the chapel -- mdash; when there was water
to draw, I mean -- mdash; and none but monks could enter the well-chamber.
I entered it, for I had temporary authority to do so, by courtesy of my
professional brother and subordinate. But he hadn't entered it himself. He
did everything by incantations; he never worked his intellect. If he had
stepped in there and used his eyes, instead of his disordered mind, he
could have cured the well by natural means, and then turned it into a
miracle in the customary way; but no, he was an old numskull, a magician
who believed in his own magic; and no magician can thrive who is
handicapped with a superstition like that.

   I had an idea that the well had sprung a leak; that some of the wall
stones near the bottom had fallen and exposed fissures that allowed the
water to escape. I measured the chain -- mdash; 98 feet. Then I called in
couple of monks, locked the door, took a candle, and made them lower me in
the bucket. When the chain was all paid out, the candle confirmed my
suspicion; a considerable section of the wall was gone, exposing a good big
fissure.

   I almost regretted that my theory about the well's trouble was correct,
because I had another one that had a showy point or two about it for a
miracle. I remembered that in America, many centuries later, when an oil
well ceased to flow, they used to blast it
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 191

out with a dynamite torpedo. If I should find this well dry and no
explanation of it, I could astonish these people most nobly by having a
person of no especial value drop a dynamite bomb into it. It was my idea to
appoint Merlin. However, it was plain that there was no occasion for the
bomb. One cannot have everything the way he would like it. A man has no
business to be depressed by a disappointment, anyway; he ought to make up
his mind to get even. That is what I did. I said to myself, I am in no
hurry, I can wait; that bomb will come good yet. And it did, too.

   When I was above ground again, I turned out the monks, and let down a
fish-line; the well was a hundred and fifty feet deep, and there was
forty-one feet of water in it I I called in a monk and asked:

   "How deep is the well?"

   "That, sir, I wit not, having never been told."

   "How does the water usually stand in it?"

   "Near to the top, these two centuries, as the testimony goeth, brought
down to us through our predecessors."

   It was true -- mdash; as to recent times at least -- mdash; for there
was witness to it, and better witness than a monk; only about twenty or
thirty feet of the chain showed wear and use, the rest of it was unworn and
rusty. What had happened when the well gave out that other time? Without
doubt some practical person had come along and mended the leak, and then
had come up and told the abbot he had discovered by divination that if the
sinful bath were destroyed the well would flow again. The leak had befallen
again now,
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 192

and these children would have prayed, and processioned, and tolled their
bells for heavenly succor till they all dried up and blew away, and no
innocent of them all would ever have thought to drop a fish-line into the
well or go down in it and find out what was really the matter. Old habit of
mind is one of the toughest things to get away from in the world. It
transmits itself like physical form and feature; and for a man, in those
days, to have had an idea that his ancestors hadn't had, would have brought
him under suspicion of being illegitimate. I said to the monk:

   "It is a difficult miracle to restore water in a dry well, but we will
try, if my brother Merlin fails. Brother Merlin is a very passable artist,
but only in the parlor-magic line, and he may not succeed; in fact, is not
likely to succeed. But that should be nothing to his discredit; the man
that can do this kind of miracle knows enough to keep hotel."

   "Hotel? I mind not to have heard -- mdash; "

   "Of hotel? It's what you call hostel. The man that can do this miracle
can keep hostel. I can do this miracle; I shall do this miracle; yet I do
not try to conceal from you that it is a miracle to tax the occult powers
to the last strain."

   "None knoweth that truth better than the brotherhood, indeed; for it is
of record that aforetime it was parlous difficult and took a year.
Natheless, God send you good success, and to that end will we pray."

   As a matter of business it was a good idea to get the notion around that
the thing was difficult. Many a small thing has been made large by the
right kind
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 193

of advertising. That monk was filled up with the difficulty of this
enterprise; he would fill up the others. In two days the solicitude would
be booming.

   On my way home at noon, I met Sandy. She had been sampling the hermits.
I said:

   "I would like to do that myself. This is Wednesday. Is there a matinee?"

   "A which, please you, sir?"

   "Matinee. Do they keep open afternoons?"

   "Who?"

   "The hermits, of course."

   "Keep open?"

   "Yes, keep open. Isn't that plain enough? Do they knock off at noon?"

   "Knock off?"

   "Knock off? -- mdash; yes, knock off. What is the matter with knock off?
I never saw such a dunderhead; can't you understand anything at all? In
plain terms, do they shut up shop, draw the game, bank the fires -- mdash;
"

   "Shut up shop, draw -- mdash; "

   "There, never mind, let it go; you make me tired. You can't seem to
understand the simplest thing."

   I would I might please thee, sir, and it is to me dole and sorrow that I
fail, albeit sith I am but a simple damsel and taught of none, being from
the cradle unbaptized in those deep waters of learning that do anoint with
a sovereignty him that partaketh of that most noble sacrament, investing
him with reverend state to the mental eye of the humble mortal who, by bar
and lack of that great consecration seeth in his own unlearned estate but a
symbol of that other sort of lack and loss which men do
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 194

publish to the pitying eye with sackcloth trappings whereon the ashes of
grief do lie bepowdered and bestrewn, and so, when such shall in the
darkness of his mind encounter these golden phrases of high mystery, these
shut-up-shops, and draw-the-game, and bank-the-fires, it is but by the
grace of God that he burst not for envy of the mind that can beget, and
tongue that can deliver so great and mellow-sounding miracles of speech,
and if there do ensue confusion in that humbler mind, and failure to divine
the meanings of these wonders, then if so be this miscomprehension is not
vain but sooth and true, wit ye well it is the very substance of worshipful
dear homage and may not lightly be misprized, nor had been, an ye had noted
this complexion of mood and mind and understood that that I would I could
not, and that I could not I might not, nor yet nor might nor could, nor
might-not nor could-not, might be by advantage turned to the desired would,
and so I pray you mercy of my fault, and that ye will of your kindness and
your charity forgive it, good my master and most dear lord."

   I couldn't make it all out -- mdash; that is, the details -- mdash; but
I got the general idea; and enough of it, too, to be ashamed. It was not
fair to spring those nineteenth century technicalities upon the untutored
infant of the sixth and then rail at her because she couldn't get their
drift; and when she was making the honest best drive at it she could, too,
and no fault of hers that she couldn't fetch the home plate; and so I
apologized. Then we meandered pleasantly away toward the hermit holes in
sociable converse together, and better friends than ever.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 195

   I was gradually coming to have a mysterious and shuddery reverence for
this girl; nowadays whenever she pulled out from the station and got her
train fairly started on one of those horizonless transcontinental sentences
of hers, it was borne in upon me that I was standing in the awful presence
of the Mother of the German Language. I was so impressed with this, that
sometimes when she began to empty one of these sentences on me I
unconsciously took the very attitude of reverence, and stood uncovered; and
if words had been water, I had been drowned, sure. She had exactly the
German way; whatever was in her mind to be delivered, whether a mere
remark, or a sermon, or a cyclopedia, or the history of a war, she would
get it into a single sentence or die. Whenever the literary German dives
into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him till he
emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.

   We drifted from hermit to hermit all the afternoon. It was a most
strange menagerie. The chief emulation among them seemed to be, to see
which could manage to be the uncleanest and most prosperous with vermin.
Their manner and attitudes were the last expression of complacent
self-righteousness. It was one anchorite's pride to lie naked in the mud
and let the insects bite him and blister him unmolested; it was another's
to lean against a rock, all day long, conspicuous to the admiration of the
throng of pilgrims and pray; it was another's to go naked and crawl around
on all fours; it was another's to drag about with him, year in and year
out, eighty pounds of iron; it was another's to never lie down when he
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 196

slept, but to stand among the thorn-bushes and snore when there were
pilgrims around to look; a woman, who had the white hair of age, and no
other apparel, was black from crown to heel with forty-seven years of holy
abstinence from water. Groups of gazing pilgrims stood around all and every
of these strange objects, lost in reverent wonder, and envious of the
fleckless sanctity which these pious austerities had won for them from an
exacting heaven.

   By and by we went to see one of the supremely great ones. He was a
mighty celebrity; his fame had penetrated all Christendom; the noble and
the renowned journeyed from the remotest lands on the globe to pay him
reverence. His stand was in the center of the widest part of the valley;
and it took all that space to hold his crowds.

   His stand was a pillar sixty feet high, with a broad platform on the top
of it. He was now doing what he had been doing every day for twenty years
up there -- mdash; bowing his body ceaselessly and rapidly almost to his
feet. It was his way of praying. I timed him with a stop watch, and he made
1,244 revolutions in 24 minutes and 46 seconds. It seemed a pity to have
all this power going to waste. It was one of the most useful motions in
mechanics, the pedal movement; so I made a note in my memorandum book,
purposing some day to apply a system of elastic cords to him and run a
sewing machine with it. I afterward carried out that scheme, and got five
years' good service out of him; in which time he turned out upward of
eighteen thousand first-rate tow-linen shirts, which was ten a day. I
worked him Sundays and all; he was going, Sundays, the same as week
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 197

days, and it was no use to waste the power. These shirts cost me nothing
but just the mere trifle for the materials -- mdash; I furnished those
myself, it would not have been right to make him do that -- mdash; and they
sold like smoke to pilgrims at a dollar and a half apiece, which was the
price of fifty cows or a blooded race horse in Arthurdom. They were
regarded as a perfect protection against sin, and advertised as such by my
knights everywhere, with the paint-pot and stencil-plate; insomuch that
there was not a cliff or a bowlder or a dead wall in England but you could
read on it at a mile distance:

    "Buy the only genuine St. Stylite; patronized by the Nobility. Patent
applied for."

   There was more money in the business than one knew what to do with. As
it extended, I brought out a line of goods suitable for kings, and a nobby
thing for duchesses and that sort, with ruffles down the forehatch and the
running-gear clewed up with a feather-stitch to leeward and then hauled aft
with a back-stay and triced up with a half-turn in the standing rigging
forward of the weather-gaskets. Yes, it was a daisy.

   But about that time I noticed that the motive power had taken to
standing on one leg, and I found that there was something the matter with
the other one; so I stocked the business and unloaded, taking Sir Bors de
Ganis into camp financially along with certain of his friends; for the
works stopped within a year, and the good saint got him to his rest. But he
had earned it. I can say that for him.

   When I saw him that first time -- mdash; however, his personal
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 198

condition will not quite bear description here. You can read it in the
Lives of the Saints. All the details concerning the hermits, in this
chapter, are from Lecky -- mdash; but greatly modified. This book not being
a history but only a tale, the majority of the historian's frank details
were too strong for reproduction in it.-EDITOR]

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 199

                                 Chapter 23

                        RESTORATION OF THE FOUNTAIN

   SATURDAY noon I went to the well and looked on a while. Merlin was still
burning smoke-powders, and pawing the air, and muttering gibberish as hard
as ever, but looking pretty down-hearted, for of course he had not started
even a perspiration in that well yet. Finally I said:

   "How does the thing promise by this time, partner?"

   "Behold, I am even now busied with trial of the powerfulest enchantment
known to the princes of the occult arts in the lands of the East; an it
fail me, naught can avail. Peace, until I finish."

   He raised a smoke this time that darkened all the region, and must have
made matters uncomfortable for the hermits, for the wind was their way, and
it rolled down over their dens in a dense and billowy fog. He poured out
volumes of speech to match, and contorted his body and sawed the air with
his hands in a most extraordinary way. At the end of twenty minutes he
dropped down panting, and about exhausted. Now arrived the abbot and
several hundred monks and nuns, and behind them a multitude of pilgrims and
a couple of acres of foundlings, all drawn by the prodigious smoke, and all
in a grand state of
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 200

excitement. The abbot inquired anxiously for results. Merlin said:

   "If any labor of mortal might break the spell that binds these waters,
this which I have but just essayed had done it. It has failed; whereby I do
now know that that which I had feared is a truth established; the sign of
this failure is, that the most potent spirit known to the magicians of the
East, and whose name none may utter and live, has laid his spell upon this
well. The mortal does not breathe, nor ever will, who can penetrate the
secret of that spell, and without that secret none can break it. The water
will flow no more forever, good Father. I have done what man could. Suffer
me to go."

   Of course this threw the abbot into a good deal of a consternation. He
turned to me with the signs of it in his face, and said:

   "Ye have heard him. Is it true?"

   "Part of it is."

   "Not all, then, not all! What part is true?"

   "That that spirit with the Russian name has put his spell upon the
well."

   "God's wounds, then are we ruined!"

   "Possibly."

   "But not certainly? Ye mean, not certainly?"

   "That is it."

   "Wherefore, ye also mean that when he saith none can break the spell --
mdash; "

   "Yes, when he says that, he says what isn't necessarily true. There are
conditions under which an effort to break it may have some chance -- mdash;
that is, some small, some trifling chance -- mdash; of success."

   "The conditions -- mdash; "
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 201

   "Oh, they are nothing difficult. Only these: I want the well and the
surroundings for the space of half a mile, entirely to myself from sunset
to-day until I remove the ban -- mdash; and nobody allowed to cross the
ground but by my authority."

   "Are these all?"

   "Yes."

   "And you have no fear to try?"

   "Oh, none. One may fail, of course; and one may also succeed. One can
try, and I am ready to chance it. I have my conditions?"

   "These and all others ye may name. I will issue commandment to that
effect."

   "Wait," said Merlin, with an evil smile. "Ye wit that he that would
break this spell must know that spirit's name?"

   "Yes, I know his name."

   "And wit you also that to know it skills not of itself, but ye must
likewise pronounce it? Ha-ha! Knew ye that?"

   "Yes, I knew that, too."

   "You had that knowledge! Art a fool? Are ye minded to utter that name
and die?"

   "Utter it? Why certainly. I would utter it if it was Welsh."

   "Ye are even a dead man, then; and I go to tell Arthur."

   "That's all right. Take your gripsack and get along. The thing for you
to do is to go home and work the weather, John W. Merlin."

   It was a home shot, and it made him wince; for he was the worst
weather-failure in the kingdom. Whenever he ordered up the danger-signals
along the coast
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 202

there was a week's dead calm, sure, and every time he prophesied fair
weather it rained brickbats. But I kept him in the weather bureau right
along, to undermine his reputation. However, that shot raised his bile, and
instead of starting home to report my death, he said he would remain and
enjoy it.

   My two experts arrived in the evening, and pretty well fagged, for they
had traveled double tides. They had pack-mules along, and had brought
everything I needed -- mdash; tools, pump, lead pipe, Greek fire, sheaves
of big rockets, roman candles, colored fire sprays, electric apparatus, and
a lot of sundries -- mdash; everything necessary for the stateliest kind of
a miracle. They got their supper and a nap, and about midnight we sallied
out through a solitude so wholly vacant and complete that it quite
overpassed the required conditions. We took possession of the well and its
surroundings. My boys were experts in all sorts of things, from the stoning
up of a well to the constructing of a mathematical instrument. An hour
before sunrise we had that leak mended in ship-shape fashion, and the water
began to rise. Then we stowed our fireworks in the chapel, locked up the
place, and went home to bed.

   Before the noon mass was over, we were at the well again; for there was
a deal to do yet, and I was determined to spring the miracle before
midnight, for business reasons: for whereas a miracle worked for the Church
on a week-day is worth a good deal, it is worth six times as much if you
get it in on a Sunday. In nine hours the water had risen to its customary
level -- mdash; that is to say, it was within twenty-three feet of the top.
We put in a little iron pump, one of the first turned out by my works near
the capital; we
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 203

bored into a stone reservoir which stood against the outer wall of the
well-chamber and inserted a section of lead pipe that was long enough to
reach to the door of the chapel and project beyond the threshold, where the
gushing water would be visible to the two hundred and fifty acres of people
I was intending should be present on the flat plain in front of this little
holy hillock at the proper time.

   We knocked the head out of an empty hogshead and hoisted this hogshead
to the flat roof of the chapel, where we clamped it down fast, poured in
gunpowder till it lay loosely an inch deep on the bottom, then we stood up
rockets in the hogshead as thick as they could loosely stand, all the
different breeds of rockets there are; and they made a portly and imposing
sheaf, I can tell you. We grounded the wire of a pocket electrical battery
in that powder, we placed a whole magazine of Greek fire on each corner of
the roof -- mdash; blue on one corner, green on another, red on another,
and purple on the last -- mdash; and grounded a wire in each.

   About two hundred yards off, in the flat, we built a pen of scantlings,
about four feet high, and laid planks on it, and so made a platform. We
covered it with swell tapestries borrowed for the occasion, and topped it
off with the abbot's own throne. When you are going to do a miracle for an
ignorant race, you want to get in every detail that will count; you want to
make all the properties impressive to the public eye; you want to make
matters comfortable for your head guest; then you can turn yourself loose
and play your effects for all they are worth. I know the value of these
things, for I know human nature. You can't
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 204

throw too much style into a miracle. It costs trouble, and work, and
sometimes money; but it pays in the end. Well, we brought the wires to the
ground at the chapel, and then brought them under the ground to the
platform, and hid the batteries there. We put a rope fence a hundred feet
square around the platform to keep off the common multitude, and that
finished the work. My idea was, doors open at 10:30, performance to begin
at 11:25 sharp. I wished I could charge admission, but of course that
wouldn't answer. I instructed my boys to be in the chapel as early as 10,
before anybody was around, and be ready to man the pumps at the proper
time, and make the fur fly. Then we went home to supper.

   The news of the disaster to the well had traveled far by this time; and
now for two or three days a steady avalanche of people had been pouring
into the valley. The lower end of the valley was become one huge camp; we
should have a good house, no question about that. Criers went the rounds
early in the evening and announced the coming attempt, which put every
pulse up to fever heat. They gave notice that the abbot and his official
suite would move in state and occupy the platform at 10:30, up to which
time all the region which was under my ban must be clear; the bells would
then cease from tolling, and this sign should be permission to the
multitudes to close in and take their places.

   I was at the platform and all ready to do the honors when the abbot's
solemn procession hove in sight -- mdash; which it did not do till it was
nearly to the rope fence, because it was a starless black night and no
torches permitted. With it came Merlin, and took a
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 205

front seat on the platform; he was as good as his word for once. One could
not see the multitudes banked together beyond the ban, but they were there,
just the same. The moment the bells stopped, those banked masses broke and
poured over the line like a vast black wave, and for as much as a half hour
it continued to flow, and then it solidified itself, and you could have
walked upon a pavement of human heads to -- mdash; well, miles.

   We had a solemn stage-wait, now, for about twenty minutes -- mdash; a
thing I had counted on for effect; it is always good to let your audience
have a chance to work up its expectancy. At length, out of the silence a
noble Latin chant -- mdash; men's voices -- mdash; broke and swelled up and
rolled away into the night, a majestic tide of melody. I had put that up,
too, and it was one of the best effects I ever invented. When it was
finished I stood up on the platform and extended my hands abroad, for two
minutes, with my face uplifted -- mdash; that always produces a dead hush
-- mdash; and then slowly pronounced this ghastly word with a kind of
awfulness which caused hundreds to tremble, and many women to faint:
                                  [Image]

   "Constantinopolitanischerdudelsackspfeifenmache rsgesel lschafft!"

   Just as I was moaning out the closing hunks of that word, I touched off
one of my electric connections and all that murky world of people stood
revealed in a hideous blue glare! It was immense -- mdash; that effect!
Lots of people shrieked, women curled up and quit in every direction,
foundlings collapsed by platoons. The abbot and the monks crossed
themselves nimbly and their lips fluttered with agitated
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 206

prayers. Merlin held his grip, but he was astonished clear down to his
corns; he had never seen anything to begin with that, before. Now was the
time to pile in the effects. I lifted my hands and groaned out this word --
mdash; as it were in agony:
                                  [Image]

   "Nihilistendynamittheaterkaestchenssprengungsat tentaet sversuchungen!"

    -- mdash; and turned on the red fire! You should have heard that
Atlantic of people moan and howl when that crimson hell joined the blue!
After sixty seconds I shouted:

   "Transvaaltruppentropentransporttrampelthiertre ibertra
uungsthraenentragoedie!"

    -- mdash; and lit up the green fire! After waiting only forty seconds
this time, I spread my arms abroad and thundered out the devastating
syllables of this word of words:

   "Mekkamuselmannenmassenmenchenmoerdermohrenmutt ermarmo
rmonumentenmacher!"

    -- mdash; and whirled on the purple glare! There they were, all going
at once, red, blue, green, purple! -- mdash; four furious volcanoes pouring
vast clouds of radiant smoke aloft, and spreading a blinding rainbowed
noonday to the furthest confines of that valley. In the distance one could
see that fellow on the pillar standing rigid against the background of sky,
his seesaw stopped for the first time in twenty years. I knew the boys
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 207

were at the pump, now, and ready. So I said to the abbot:

   "The time is come, Father. I am about to pronounce the dread name and
command the spell to dissolve. You want to brace up, and take hold of
something." Then I shouted to the people: "Behold, in another minute the
spell will be broken, or no mortal can break it. If it break, all will know
it, for you will see the sacred water gush from the chapel door!"

   I stood a few moments, to let the hearers have a chance to spread my
announcement to those who couldn't hear, and so convey it to the furthest
ranks, then I made a grand exhibition of extra posturing and gesturing, and
shouted:

   "Lo, I command the fell spirit that possesses the holy fountain to now
disgorge into the skies all the infernal fires that still remain in him,
and straightway dissolve his spell and flee hence to the pit, there to lie
bound a thousand years. By his own dread name I command it -- mdash;
BGWJJILLIGKKK!"

   Then I touched off the hogshead of rockets, and a vast fountain of
dazzling lances of fire vomited itself toward the zenith with a hissing
rush, and burst in mid-sky into a storm of flashing jewels! One mighty
groan of terror started up from the massed people -- mdash; then suddenly
broke into a wild hosannah of joy -- mdash; for there, fair and plain in
the uncanny glare, they saw the freed water leaping forth! The old abbot
could not speak a word, for tears and the chokings in his throat; without
utterance of any sort, he folded me in his arms and mashed me. It was more
eloquent than speech. And harder to get over, too, in
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 208

a country where there were really no doctors that were worth a damaged
nickel.

   You should have seen those acres of people throw themselves down in that
water and kiss it; kiss it, and pet it, and fondle it, and talk to it as if
it were alive, and welcome it back with the dear names they gave their
darlings, just as if it had been a friend who was long gone away and lost,
and was come home again. Yes, it was pretty to see, and made me think more
of them than I had done before.

   I sent Merlin home on a shutter. He had caved in and gone down like a
landslide when I pronounced that fearful name, and had never come to since.
He never had heard that name before, -- mdash; neither had I -- mdash; but
to him it was the right one. Any jumble would have been the right one. He
admitted, afterward, that that spirit's own mother could not have
pronounced that name better than I did. He never could understand how I
survived it, and I didn't tell him. It is only young magicians that give
away a secret like that. Merlin spent three months working enchantments to
try to find out the deep trick of how to pronounce that name and outlive
it. But he didn't arrive.

   When I started to the chapel, the populace uncovered and fell back
reverently to make a wide way for me, as if I had been some kind of a
superior being -- mdash; and I was. I was aware of that. I took along a
night shift of monks, and taught them the mystery of the pump, and set them
to work, for it was plain that a good part of the people out there were
going to sit up with the water all night, consequently it was but right
that they should have all they wanted of it.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 209

To those monks that pump was a good deal of a miracle itself, and they were
full of wonder over it; and of admiration, too, of the exceeding
effectiveness of its performance.

   It was a great night, an immense night. There was reputation in it. I
could hardly get to sleep for glorying over it.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 210

                                 Chapter 24

                              A RIVAL MAGICIAN

   MY influence in the Valley of Holiness was something prodigious now. It
seemed worth while to try to turn it to some valuable account. The thought
came to me the next morning, and was suggested by my seeing one of my
knights who was in the soap line come riding in. According to history, the
monks of this place two centuries before had been worldly minded enough to
want to wash. It might be that there was a leaven of this unrighteousness
still remaining. So I sounded a Brother:

   "Wouldn't you like a bath?"

   He shuddered at the thought -- mdash; the thought of the peril of it to
the well -- mdash; but he said with feeling:

   "One needs not to ask that of a poor body who has not known that blessed
refreshment sith that he was a boy. Would God I might wash me! but it may
not be, fair sir, tempt me not; it is forbidden."

   And then he sighed in such a sorrowful way that I was resolved he should
have at least one layer of his real estate removed, if it sized up my whole
influence and bankrupted the pile. So I went to the abbot and asked for a
permit for this Brother. He blenched at the idea -- mdash; I don't mean
that you could see him blench, for of course you couldn't see it
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 211

without you scraped him, and I didn't care enough about it to scrape him,
but I knew the blench was there, just the same, and within a book-cover's
thickness of the surface, too -- mdash; blenched, and trembled. He said:

   "Ah, son, ask aught else thou wilt, and it is thine, and freely granted
out of a grateful heart -- mdash; but this, oh, this! Would you drive away
the blessed water again?"

   "No, Father, I will not drive it away. I have mysterious knowledge which
teaches me that there was an error that other time when it was thought the
institution of the bath banished the fountain." A large interest began to
show up in the old man's face. "My knowledge informs me that the bath was
innocent of that misfortune, which was caused by quite another sort of
sin."

   "These are brave words -- mdash; but -- mdash; but right welcome, if
they be true."

   "They are true, indeed. Let me build the bath again, Father. Let me
build it again, and the fountain shall flow forever."

   "You promise this? -- mdash; you promise it? Say the word -- mdash; say
you promise it!"

   "I do promise it."

   "Then will I have the first bath myself! Go -- mdash; get ye to your
work. Tarry not, tarry not, but go."

   I and my boys were at work, straight off. The ruins of the old bath were
there yet in the basement of the monastery, not a stone missing. They had
been left just so, all these lifetimes, and avoided with a pious fear, as
things accursed. In two days we had it all done and the water in -- mdash;
a spacious pool of clear pure water that a body could swim in. It was
running
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 212

water, too. It came in, and went out, through the ancient pipes. The old
abbot kept his word, and was the first to try it. He went down black and
shaky, leaving the whole black community above troubled and worried and
full of bodings; but he came back white and joyful, and the game was made!
another triumph scored.

   It was a good campaign that we made in that Valley of Holiness, and I
was very well satisfied, and ready to move on now, but I struck a
disappointment. I caught a heavy cold, and it started up an old lurking
rheumatism of mine. Of course the rheumatism hunted up my weakest place and
located itself there. This was the place where the abbot put his arms about
me and mashed me, what time he was moved to testify his gratitude to me
with an embrace.

   When at last I got out, I was a shadow. But everybody was full of
attentions and kindnesses, and these brought cheer back into my life, and
were the right medicine to help a convalescent swiftly up toward health and
strength again; so I gained fast.

   Sandy was worn out with nursing; so I made up my mind to turn out and go
a cruise alone, leaving her at the nunnery to rest up. My idea was to
disguise myself as a freeman of peasant degree and wander through the
country a week or two on foot. This would give me a chance to eat and lodge
with the lowliest and poorest class of free citizens on equal terms. There
was no other way to inform myself perfectly of their everyday life and the
operation of the laws upon it. If I went among them as a gentleman, there
would be restraints and conventionalities which would shut me out from
their private joys and
                                  [Image]

                      Sandy was worn out with nursing

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 213

troubles, and I should get no further than the outside shell.

   One morning I was out on a long walk to get up muscle for my trip, and
had climbed the ridge which bordered the northern extremity of the valley,
when I came upon an artificial opening in the face of a low precipice, and
recognized it by its location as a hermitage which had often been pointed
out to me from a distance as the den of a hermit of high renown for dirt
and austerity. I knew he had lately been offered a situation in the Great
Sahara, where lions and sand-flies made the hermit-life peculiarly
attractive and difficult, and had gone to Africa to take possession, so I
thought I would look in and see how the atmosphere of this den agreed with
its reputation.

   My surprise was great: the place was newly swept and scoured. Then there
was another surprise. Back in the gloom of the cavern I heard the clink of
a little bell, and then this exclamation:

   "Hello Central! Is this you, Camelot? -- mdash; Behold, thou mayst glad
thy heart an thou hast faith to believe the wonderful when that it cometh
in unexpected guise and maketh itself manifest in impossible places --
mdash; here standeth in the flesh his mightiness The Boss, and with thine
own ears shall ye hear him speak!"

   Now what a radical reversal of things this was; what a jumbling together
of extravagant incongruities; what a fantastic conjunction of opposites and
irreconcilables -- mdash; the home of the bogus miracle become the home of
a real one, the den of a mediaeval hermit turned into a telephone office!

   The telephone clerk stepped into the light, and I recognized one of my
young fellows. I said:
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 214

   "How long has this office been established here, Ulfius?"

   "But since midnight, fair Sir Boss, an it please you. We saw many lights
in the valley, and so judged it well to make a station, for that where so
many lights be needs must they indicate a town of goodly size."

   "Quite right. It isn't a town in the customary sense, but it's a good
stand, anyway. Do you know where you are?"

   "Of that I have had no time to make inquiry; for whenas my comradeship
moved hence upon their labors, leaving me in charge, I got me to needed
rest, purposing to inquire when I waked, and report the place's name to
Camelot for record."

   "Well, this is the Valley of Holiness."

   It didn't take; I mean, he didn't start at the name, as I had supposed
he would. He merely said:

   "I will so report it."

   "Why, the surrounding regions are filled with the noise of late wonders
that have happened here! You didn't hear of them?"

   "Ah, ye will remember we move by night, and avoid speech with all. We
learn naught but that we get by the telephone from Camelot."

   "Why they know all about this thing. Haven't they told you anything
about the great miracle of the restoration of a holy fountain?"

   "Oh, that? Indeed yes. But the name of this valley doth woundily differ
from the name of that one; indeed to differ wider were not pos -- mdash; "

   "What was that name, then?"

   "The Valley of Hellishness."

   "that explains it. Confound a telephone, anyway.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 215

It is the very demon for conveying similarities of sound that are miracles
of divergence from similarity of sense. But no matter, you know the name of
the place now. Call up Camelot."

   He did it, and had Clarence sent for. It was good to hear my boy's voice
again. It was like being home. After some affectionate interchanges, and
some account of my late illness, I said:

   "What is new?"

   "The king and queen and many of the court do start even in this hour, to
go to your valley to pay pious homage to the waters ye have restored, and
cleanse themselves of sin, and see the place where the infernal spirit
spouted true hell-flames to the clouds -- mdash; an ye listen sharply ye
may hear me wink and hear me likewise smile a smile, sith 'twas I that made
selection of those flames from out our stock and sent them by your order."

   "Does the king know the way to this place?"

   "The king? -- mdash; no, nor to any other in his realms, mayhap; but the
lads that holp you with your miracle will be his guide and lead the way,
and appoint the places for rests at noons and sleeps at night."

   "This will bring them here -- mdash; when?"

   "Mid-afternoon, or later, the third day."

   "Anything else in the way of news?"

   "The king hath begun the raising of the standing army ye suggested to
him; one regiment is complete and officered."

   "The mischief! I wanted a main hand in that myself. There is only one
body of men in the kingdom that are fitted to officer a regular army."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 216

   "Yes -- mdash; and now ye will marvel to know there's not so much as one
West Pointer in that regiment."

   "What are you talking about? Are you in earnest?"

   "It is truly as I have said."

   "Why, this makes me uneasy. Who were chosen, and what was the method?
Competitive examination?"

   "Indeed, I know naught of the method. I but know this -- mdash; these
officers be all of noble family, and are born -- mdash; what is it you call
it? -- mdash; chuckleheads."

   "There's something wrong, Clarence. "

   "Comfort yourself, then; for two candidates for a lieutenancy do travel
hence with the king -- mdash; young nobles both -- mdash; and if you but
wait where you are you will hear them questioned."

   "That is news to the purpose. I will get one West Pointer in, anyway.
Mount a man and send him to that school with a message; let him kill
horses, if necessary, but he must be there before sunset to-night and say
-- mdash; "

   "There is no need. I have laid a ground wire to the school. Prithee let
me connect you with it."

   It sounded good! In this atmosphere of telephones and lightning
communication with distant regions, I was breathing the breath of life
again after long suffocation. I realized, then, what a creepy, dull,
inanimate horror this land had been to me all these years, and how I had
been in such a stifled condition of mind as to have grown used to it almost
beyond the power to notice it.

   I gave my order to the superintendent of the Academy personally. I also
asked him to bring me some
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 217

paper and a fountain pen and a box or so of safety matches. I was getting
tired of doing without these conveniences. I could have them now, as I
wasn't going to wear armor any more at present, and therefore could get at
my pockets.

   When I got back to the monastery, I found a thing of interest going on.
The abbot and his monks were assembled in the great hall, observing with
childish wonder and faith the performances of a new magician, a fresh
arrival. His dress was the extreme of the fantastic; as showy and foolish
as the sort of thing an Indian medicine-man wears. He was mowing, and
mumbling, and gesticulating, and drawing mystical figures in the air and on
the floor, -- mdash; the regular thing, you know. He was a celebrity from
Asia -- mdash; so he said, and that was enough. That sort of evidence was
as good as gold, and passed current everywhere.

   How easy and cheap it was to be a great magician on this fellow's terms.
His specialty was to tell you what any individual on the face of the globe
was doing at the moment; and what he had done at any time in the past, and
what he would do at any time in the future. He asked if any would like to
know what the Emperor of the East was doing now? The sparkling eyes and the
delighted rubbing of hands made eloquent answer -- mdash; this reverend
crowd would like to know what that monarch was at, just as this moment. The
fraud went through some more mummery, and then made grave announcement:

   "The high and mighty Emperor of the East doth at this moment put money
in the palm of a holy begging friar -- mdash; one, two, three pieces, and
they be all of silver."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 218

   A buzz of admiring exclamations broke out, all around:

   "It is marvelous!" "Wonderful!" "What study, what labor, to have
acquired a so amazing power as this!"

   Would they like to know what the Supreme Lord of Inde was doing? Yes. He
told them what the Supreme Lord of Inde was doing. Then he told them what
the Sultan of Egypt was at; also what the King of the Remote Seas was
about. And so on and so on; and with each new marvel the astonishment at
his accuracy rose higher and higher. They thought he must surely strike an
uncertain place some time; but no, he never had to hesitate, he always
knew, and always with unerring precision. I saw that if this thing went on
I should lose my supremacy, this fellow would capture my following, I
should be left out in the cold. I must put a cog in his wheel, and do it
right away, too. I said:

   "If I might ask, I should very greatly like to know what a certain
person is doing."

   "Speak, and freely. I will tell you."

   "It will be difficult -- mdash; perhaps impossible."

   "My art knoweth not that word. The more difficult it is, the more
certainly will I reveal it to you."

   You see, I was working up the interest. It was getting pretty high, too;
you could see that by the craning necks all around, and the half-suspended
breathing. So now I climaxed it:

   "If you make no mistake -- mdash; if you tell me truly what I want to
know -- mdash; I will give you two hundred silver pennies."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 219

   "The fortune is mine! I will tell you what you would know."

   "Then tell me what I am doing with my right hand."

   "Ah-h!" There was a general gasp of surprise. It had not occurred to
anybody in the crowd -- mdash; that simple trick of inquiring about
somebody who wasn't ten thousand miles away. The magician was hit hard; it
was an emergency that had never happened in his experience before, and it
corked him; he didn't know how to meet it. He looked stunned, confused; he
couldn't say a word. "Come," I said, "what are you waiting for? Is it
possible you can answer up, right off, and tell what anybody on the other
side of the earth is doing, and yet can't tell what a person is doing who
isn't three yards from you? Persons behind me know what I am doing with my
right hand -- mdash; they will indorse you if you tell correctly." He was
still dumb. "Very well, I'll tell you why you don't speak up and tell; it
is because you don't know. you a magician! Good friends, this tramp is a
mere fraud and liar."

   This distressed the monks and terrified them. They were not used to
hearing these awful beings called names, and they did not know what might
be the consequence. There was a dead silence now; superstitious bodings
were in every mind. The magician began to pull his wits together, and when
he presently smiled an easy, nonchalant smile, it spread a mighty relief
around; for it indicated that his mood was not destructive. He said:

   "It hath struck me speechless, the frivolity of this person's speech.
Let all know, if perchance there be
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 220

any who know it not, that enchanters of my degree deign not to concern
themselves with the doings of any but kings, princes, emperors, them that
be born in the purple and them only. Had ye asked me what Arthur the great
king is doing, it were another matter, and I had told ye; but the doings of
a subject interest me not."

   "Oh, I misunderstood you. I thought you said 'anybody,' and so I
supposed 'anybody' included -- mdash; well, anybody; that is, everybody."

   "It doth -- mdash; anybody that is of lofty birth; and the better if he
be royal."

   "That, it meseemeth, might well be," said the abbot, who saw his
opportunity to smooth things and avert disaster, "for it were not likely
that so wonderful a gift as this would be conferred for the revelation of
the concerns of lesser beings than such as be born near to the summits of
greatness. Our Arthur the king -- mdash; "

   "Would you know of him?" broke in the enchanter.

   "Most gladly, yea, and gratefully."

   Everybody was full of awe and interest again right away, the
incorrigible idiots. They watched the incantations absorbingly, and looked
at me with a "There, now, what can you say to that?" air, when the
announcement came:

   "The king is weary with the chase, and lieth in his palace these two
hours sleeping a dreamless sleep."

   "God's benison upon him!" said the abbot, and crossed himself; "may that
sleep be to the refreshment of his body and his soul."

   "And so it might be, if he were sleeping," I said, "but the king is not
sleeping, the king rides."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 221

   Here was trouble again -- mdash; a conflict of authority. Nobody knew
which of us to believe; I still had some reputation left. The magician's
scorn was stirred, and he said:

   "Lo, I have seen many wonderful soothsayers and prophets and magicians
in my life days, but none before that could sit idle and see to the heart
of things with never an incantation to help."

   "You have lived in the woods, and lost much by it. I use incantations
myself, as this good brotherhood are aware -- mdash; but only on occasions
of moment."

   When it comes to sarcasming, I reckon I know how to keep my end up. That
jab made this fellow squirm. The abbot inquired after the queen and the
court, and got this information:

   "They be all on sleep, being overcome by fatigue, like as to the king."

   I said:

   "That is merely another lie. Half of them are about their amusements,
the queen and the other half are not sleeping, they ride. Now perhaps you
can spread yourself a little, and tell us where the king and queen and all
that are this moment riding with them are going?"

   "They sleep now, as I said; but on the morrow they will ride, for they
go a journey toward the sea."

   "And where will they be the day after to-morrow at vespers?"

   "Far to the north of Camelot, and half their journey will be done."

   "That is another lie, by the space of a hundred and fifty miles. Their
journey will not be merely
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 222

half done, it will be all done, and they will be here, in this valley."

   That was a noble shot! It set the abbot and the monks in a whirl of
excitement, and it rocked the enchanter to his base. I followed the thing
right up:

   "If the king does not arrive, I will have myself ridden on a rail: if he
does I will ride you on a rail instead."

   Next day I went up to the telephone office and found that the king had
passed through two towns that were on the line. I spotted his progress on
the succeeding day in the same way. I kept these matters to myself. The
third day's reports showed that if he kept up his gait he would arrive by
four in the afternoon. There was still no sign anywhere of interest in his
coming; there seemed to be no preparations making to receive him in state;
a strange thing, truly. Only one thing could explain this: that other
magician had been cutting under me, sure. This was true. I asked a friend
of mine, a monk, about it, and he said, yes, the magician had tried some
further enchantments and found out that the court had concluded to make no
journey at all, but stay at home. Think of that! Observe how much a
reputation was worth in such a country. These people had seen me do the
very showiest bit of magic in history, and the only one within their memory
that had a positive value, and yet here they were, ready to take up with an
adventurer who could offer no evidence of his powers but his mere unproven
word.

   However, it was not good politics to let the king come without any fuss
and feathers at all, so I went down and drummed up a procession of pilgrims
and
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 223

smoked out a batch of hermits and started them out at two o'clock to meet
him. And that was the sort of state he arrived in. The abbot was helpless
with rage and humiliation when I brought him out on a balcony and showed
him the head of the state marching in and never a monk on hand to offer him
welcome, and no stir of life or clang of joy-bell to glad his spirit. He
took one look and then flew to rouse out his forces. The next minute the
bells were dinning furiously, and the various buildings were vomiting monks
and nuns, who went swarming in a rush toward the coming procession; and
with them went that magician -- mdash; and he was on a rail, too, by the
abbot's order; and his reputation was in the mud, and mine was in the sky
again. Yes, a man can keep his trademark current in such a country, but he
can't sit around and do it; he has got to be on deck and attending to
business right along.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 224

                                 Chapter 25

                         A COMPETITIVE EXAMINATION

   WHEN the king traveled for change of air, or made a progress, or visited
a distant noble whom he wished to bankrupt with the cost of his keep, part
of the administration moved with him. It was a fashion of the time. The
Commission charged with the examination of candidates for posts in the army
came with the king to the Valley, whereas they could have transacted their
business just as well at home. And although this expedition was strictly a
holiday excursion for the king, he kept some of his business functions
going just the same. He touched for the evil, as usual; he held court in
the gate at sunrise and tried cases, for he was himself Chief Justice of
the King's Bench.

   He shone very well in this latter office. He was a wise and humane
judge, and he clearly did his honest best and fairest, -- mdash; according
to his lights. That is a large reservation. His lights -- mdash; I mean his
rearing -- mdash; often colored his decisions. Whenever there was a dispute
between a noble or gentleman and a person of lower degree, the king's
leanings and sympathies were for the former class always, whether he
suspected it or not. It was impossible that this should be otherwise. The
blunting effects of slavery upon the slaveholder's
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 225

moral perceptions are known and conceded, the world over; and a privileged
class, an aristocracy, is but a band of slaveholders under another name.
This has a harsh sound, and yet should not be offensive to any -- mdash;
even to the noble himself -- mdash; unless the fact itself be an offense:
for the statement simply formulates a fact. The repulsive feature of
slavery is the thing, not its name. One needs but to hear an aristocrat
speak of the classes that are below him to recognize -- mdash; and in but
indifferently modified measure -- mdash; the very air and tone of the
actual slaveholder; and behind these are the slaveholder's spirit, the
slaveholder's blunted feeling. They are the result of the same cause in
both cases: the possessor's old and inbred custom of regarding himself as a
superior being. The king's judgments wrought frequent injustices, but it
was merely the fault of his training, his natural and unalterable
sympathies. He was as unfitted for a judgeship as would be the average
mother for the position of milk-distributor to starving children in
famine-time; her own children would fare a shade better than the rest.

   One very curious case came before the king. A young girl, an orphan, who
had a considerable estate, married a fine young fellow who had nothing. The
girl's property was within a seigniory held by the Church. The bishop of
the diocese, an arrogant scion of the great nobility, claimed the girl's
estate on the ground that she had married privately, and thus had cheated
the Church out of one of its rights as lord of the seigniory -- mdash; the
one heretofore referred to as le droit du seigneur. The penalty of refusal
or avoidance was confiscation. The girl's defense was,
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 226

that the lordship of the seigniory was vested in the bishop, and the
particular right here involved was not transferable, but must be exercised
by the lord himself or stand vacated; and that an older law, of the Church
itself, strictly barred the bishop from exercising it. It was a very odd
case, indeed.

   It reminded me of something I had read in my youth about the ingenious
way in which the aldermen of London raised the money that built the Mansion
House. A person who had not taken the Sacrament according to the Anglican
rite could not stand as a candidate for sheriff of London. Thus Dissenters
were ineligible; they could not run if asked, they could not serve if
elected. The aldermen, who without any question were Yankees in disguise,
hit upon this neat device: they passed a by-law imposing a fine of ú400
upon any one who should refuse to be a candidate for sheriff, and a fine of
ú600 upon any person who, after being elected sheriff, refused to serve.
Then they went to work and elected a lot of Dissenters, one after another,
and kept it up until they had collected ú15,000 in fines; and there stands
the stately Mansion House to this day, to keep the blushing citizen in mind
of a long past and lamented day when a band of Yankees slipped into London
and played games of the sort that has given their race a unique and shady
reputation among all truly good and holy peoples that be in the earth.

   The girl's case seemed strong to me; the bishop's case was just as
strong. I did not see how the king was going to get out of this hole. But
he got out. I append his decision:

   "Truly I find small difficulty here, the matter being
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 227

even a child's affair for simpleness. An the young bride had conveyed
notice, as in duty bound, to her feudal lord and proper master and
protector the bishop, she had suffered no loss, for the said bishop could
have got a dispensation making him, for temporary conveniency, eligible to
the exercise of his said right, and thus would she have kept all she had.
Whereas, failing in her first duty, she hath by that failure failed in all;
for whoso, clinging to a rope, severeth it above his hands, must fall; it
being no defense to claim that the rest of the rope is sound, neither any
deliverance from his peril, as he shall find. Pardy, the woman's case is
rotten at the source. It is the decree of the court that she forfeit to the
said lord bishop all her goods, even to the last farthing that she doth
possess, and be thereto mulcted in the costs. Next!"

   Here was a tragic end to a beautiful honeymoon not yet three months old.
Poor young creatures! They had lived these three months lapped to the lips
in worldly comforts. These clothes and trinkets they were wearing were as
fine and dainty as the shrewdest stretch of the sumptuary laws allowed to
people of their degree; and in these pretty clothes, she crying on his
shoulder, and he trying to comfort her with hopeful words set to the music
of despair, they went from the judgment seat out into the world homeless,
bedless, breadless; why, the very beggars by the roadsides were not so poor
as they.

   Well, the king was out of the hole; and on terms satisfactory to the
Church and the rest of the aristocracy, no doubt. Men write many fine and
plausible arguments in support of monarchy, but the fact remains that where
every man in a State has a vote,
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 228

brutal laws are impossible. Arthur's people were of course poor material
for a republic, because they had been debased so long by monarchy; and yet
even they would have been intelligent enough to make short work of that law
which the king had just been administering if it had been submitted to
their full and free vote. There is a phrase which has grown so common in
the world's mouth that it has come to seem to have sense and meaning --
mdash; the sense and meaning implied when it is used; that is the phrase
which refers to this or that or the other nation as possibly being "capable
of self-government"; and the implied sense of it is, that there has been a
nation somewhere, some time or other which wasn't capable of it -- mdash;
wasn't as able to govern itself as some self-appointed specialists were or
would be to govern it. The master minds of all nations, in all ages, have
sprung in affluent multitude from the mass of the nation, and from the mass
of the nation only -- mdash; not from its privileged classes; and so, no
matter what the nation's intellectual grade was; whether high or low, the
bulk of its ability was in the long ranks of its nameless and its poor, and
so it never saw the day that it had not the material in abundance whereby
to govern itself. Which is to assert an always self-proven fact: that even
the best governed and most free and most enlightened monarchy is still
behind the best condition attainable by its people; and that the same is
true of kindred governments of lower grades, all the way down to the
lowest.

   King Arthur had hurried up the army business altogether beyond my
calculations. I had not supposed he would move in the matter while I was
away; and so I had not mapped out a scheme for determining the
                                  [Image]

                                  `Next!'

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 229

merits of officers; I had only remarked that it would be wise to submit
every candidate to a sharp and searching examination; and privately I meant
to put together a list of military qualifications that nobody could answer
to but my West Pointers. That ought to have been attended to before I left;
for the king was so taken with the idea of a standing army that he couldn't
wait but must get about it at once, and get up as good a scheme of
examination as he could invent out of his own head.

   I was impatient to see what this was; and to show, too, how much more
admirable was the one which I should display to the Examining Board. I
intimated this, gently, to the king, and it fired his curiosity When the
Board was assembled, I followed him in; and behind us came the candidates.
One of these candidates was a bright young West Pointer of mine, and with
him were a couple of my West Point professors.

   When I saw the Board, I did not know whether to cry or to laugh. The
head of it was the officer known to later centuries as Norroy King-at-Arms!
The two other members were chiefs of bureaus in his department; and all
three were priests, of course; all officials who had to know how to read
and write were priests.

   My candidate was called first, out of courtesy to me, and the head of
the Board opened on him with official solemnity:

   "Name?"

   "Mal-ease."

   "Son of?"

   "Webster."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 230

   "Webster -- mdash; Webster. H'm -- mdash; I -- mdash; my memory faileth
to recall the name. Condition?"

   "Weaver."

   "Weaver! -- mdash; God keep us!"

   The king was staggered, from his summit to his foundations; one clerk
fainted, and the others came near it. The chairman pulled himself together,
and said indignantly:

   "It is sufficient. Get you hence."

   But I appealed to the king. I begged that my candidate might be
examined. The king was willing, but the Board, who were all well-born folk,
implored the king to spare them the indignity of examining the weaver's
son. I knew they didn't know enough to examine him anyway, so I joined my
prayers to theirs and the king turned the duty over to my professors. I had
had a blackboard prepared, and it was put up now, and the circus began. It
was beautiful to hear the lad lay out the science of war, and wallow in
details of battle and siege, of supply, transportation, mining and
countermining, grand tactics, big strategy and little strategy, signal
service, infantry, cavalry, artillery, and all about siege guns, field
guns, gatling guns, rifled guns, smooth bores, musket practice, revolver
practice -- mdash; and not a solitary word of it all could these catfish
make head or tail of, you understand -- mdash; and it was handsome to see
him chalk off mathematical nightmares on the blackboard that would stump
the angels themselves, and do it like nothing, too -- mdash; all about
eclipses, and comets, and solstices, and constellations, and mean time, and
sidereal time, and dinner time, and bedtime, and every other imaginable
thing above the clouds or under them that you could harry
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 231

or bullyrag an enemy with and make him wish he hadn't come -- mdash; and
when the boy made his military salute and stood aside at last, I was proud
enough to hug him, and all those other people were so dazed they looked
partly petrified, partly drunk, and wholly caught out and snowed under. I
judged that the cake was ours, and by a large majority.

   Education is a great thing. This was the same youth who had come to West
Point so ignorant that when I asked him, "If a general officer should have
a horse shot under him on the field of battle, what ought he to do?"
answered up naively and said:

   "Get up and brush himself."

   One of the young nobles was called up now. I thought I would question
him a little myself. I said:

   "Can your lordship read?"

   His face flushed indignantly, and he fired this at me:

   "Takest me for a clerk? I trow I am not of a blood that -- mdash; "

   "Answer the question!"

   He crowded his wrath down and made out to answer "No."

   "Can you write?"

   He wanted to resent this, too, but I said:

   "You will confine yourself to the questions, and make no comments. You
are not here to air your blood or your graces, and nothing of the sort will
be permitted. Can you write?"

   "No."

   "Do you know the multiplication table?"

   "I wit not what ye refer to."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 232

   "How much is 9 times 6?"

   "It is a mystery that is hidden from me by reason that the emergency
requiring the fathoming of it hath not in my life-days occurred, and so,
not having no need to know this thing, I abide barren of the knowledge."

   "If A trade a barrel of onions to B, worth 2 pence the bushel, in
exchange for a sheep worth 4 pence and a dog worth a penny, and C kill the
dog before delivery, because bitten by the same, who mistook him for D,
what sum is still due to A from B, and which party pays for the dog, C or
D, and who gets the money? If A, is the penny sufficient, or may he claim
consequential damages in the form of additional money to represent the
possible profit which might have inured from the dog, and classifiable as
earned increment, that is to say, usufruct?"

   "Verily, in the all-wise and unknowable providence of God, who moveth in
mysterious ways his wonders to perform, have I never heard the fellow to
this question for confusion of the mind and congestion of the ducts of
thought. Wherefore I beseech you let the dog and the onions and these
people of the strange and godless names work out their several salvations
from their piteous and wonderful difficulties without help of mine, for
indeed their trouble is sufficient as it is, whereas an I tried to help I
should but damage their cause the more and yet mayhap not live myself to
see the desolation wrought."

   "What do you know of the laws of attraction and gravitation?"

   "If there be such, mayhap his grace the king did promulgate them whilst
that I lay sick about the beginning
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 233

of the year and thereby failed to hear his proclamation."

   "What do you know of the science of optics?"

   "I know of governors of places, and seneschals of castles, and sheriffs
of counties, and many like small offices and titles of honor, but him you
call the Science of Optics I have not heard of before; peradventure it is a
new dignity."

   "Yes, in this country."

   Try to conceive of this mollusk gravely applying for an official
position, of any kind under the sun! Why, he had all the earmarks of a
typewriter copyist, if you leave out the disposition to contribute
uninvited emendations of your grammar and punctuation. It was unaccountable
that he didn't attempt a little help of that sort out of his majestic
supply of incapacity for the job. But that didn't prove that he hadn't
material in him for the disposition, it only proved that he wasn't a
typewriter copyist yet. After nagging him a little more, I let the
professors loose on him and they turned him inside out, on the line of
scientific war, and found him empty, of course. He knew somewhat about the
warfare of the time -- mdash; bushwhacking around for ogres, and
bull-fights in the tournament ring, and such things -- mdash; but otherwise
he was empty and useless. Then we took the other young noble in hand, and
he was the first one's twin, for ignorance and incapacity. I delivered them
into the hands of the chairman of the Board with the comfortable
consciousness that their cake was dough. They were examined in the previous
order of precedence.

   "Name, so please you?"
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 234

   "Pertipole, son of Sir Pertipole, Baron of Barley Mash."

   "Grandfather?"

   "Also Sir Pertipole, Baron of Barley Mash."

   "Great-grandfather?"

   "The same name and title."

   "Great-great-grandfather?"

   "We had none, worshipful sir, the line failing before it had reached so
far back."

   "It mattereth not. It is a good four generations, and fulfilleth the
requirements of the rule."

   "Fulfills what rule?" I asked.

   "The rule requiring four generations of nobility or else the candidate
is not eligible."

   "A man not eligible for a lieutenancy in the army unless he can prove
four generations of noble descent?"

   "Even so; neither lieutenant nor any other officer may be commissioned
without that qualification."

   "Oh, come, this is an astonishing thing. What good is such a
qualification as that?"

   "What good? It is a hardy question, fair sir and Boss, since it doth go
far to impugn the wisdom of even our holy Mother Church herself."

   "As how?"

   "For that she hath established the self-same rule regarding saints. By
her law none may be canonized until he hath lain dead four generations."

   "I see, I see -- mdash; it is the same thing. It is wonderful. In the
one case a man lies dead-alive four generations -- mdash; mummified in
ignorance and sloth -- mdash; and that qualifies him to command live
people, and take their weal and woe into his impotent hands; and in the
other
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 235

case, a man lies bedded with death and worms four generations, and that
qualifies him for office in the celestial camp. Does the king's grace
approve of this strange law?"

   The king said:

   "Why, truly I see naught about it that is strange. All places of honor
and of profit do belong, by natural right, to them that be of noble blood,
and so these dignities in the army are their property and would be so
without this or any rule. The rule is but to mark a limit. Its purpose is
to keep out too recent blood, which would bring into contempt these
offices, and men of lofty lineage would turn their backs and scorn to take
them. I were to blame an I permitted this calamity. You can permit it an
you are minded so to do, for you have the delegated authority, but that the
king should do it were a most strange madness and not comprehensible to
any."

   "I yield. Proceed, sir Chief of the Herald's College."

   The chairman resumed as follows:

   "By what illustrious achievement for the honor of the Throne and State
did the founder of your great line lift himself to the sacred dignity of
the British nobility?"

   "He built a brewery."

   "Sire, the Board finds this candidate perfect in all the requirements
and qualifications for military command, and doth hold his case open for
decision after due examination of his competitor."

   The competitor came forward and proved exactly four generations of
nobility himself. So there was a tie in military qualifications that far.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 236

   He stood aside a moment, and Sir Pertipole was questioned further:

   "Of what condition was the wife of the founder of your line?"

   "She came of the highest landed gentry, yet she was not noble; she was
gracious and pure and charitable, of a blameless life and character,
insomuch that in these regards was she peer of the best lady in the land."

   "That will do. Stand down." He called up the competing lordling again,
and asked: "What was the rank and condition of the great-grandmother who
conferred British nobility upon your great house?"

   "She was a king's leman and did climb to that splendid eminence by her
own unholpen merit from the sewer where she was born."

   "Ah, this, indeed, is true nobility, this is the right and perfect
intermixture. The lieutenancy is yours, fair lord. Hold it not in contempt;
it is the humble step which will lead to grandeurs more worthy of the
splendor of an origin like to thine."

   I was down in the bottomless pit of humiliation. I had promised myself
an easy and zenith-scouring triumph, and this was the outcome!

   I was almost ashamed to look my poor disappointed cadet in the face. I
told him to go home and be patient, this wasn't the end.

   I had a private audience with the king, and made a proposition. I said
it was quite right to officer that regiment with nobilities, and he
couldn't have done a wiser thing. It would also be a good idea to add five
hundred officers to it; in fact, add as many officers as there were nobles
and relatives of nobles in the
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 237

country, even if there should finally be five times as many officers as
privates in it; and thus make it the crack regiment, the envied regiment,
the King's Own regiment, and entitled to fight on its own hook and in its
own way, and go whither it would and come when it pleased, in time of war,
and be utterly swell and independent. This would make that regiment the
heart's desire of all the nobility, and they would all be satisfied and
happy. Then we would make up the rest of the standing army out of
commonplace materials, and officer it with nobodies, as was proper --
mdash; nobodies selected on a basis of mere efficiency -- mdash; and we
would make this regiment toe the line, allow it no aristocratic freedom
from restraint, and force it to do all the work and persistent hammering,
to the end that whenever the King's Own was tired and wanted to go off for
a change and rummage around amongst ogres and have a good time, it could go
without uneasiness, knowing that matters were in safe hands behind it, and
business going to be continued at the old stand, same as usual. The king
was charmed with the idea.

   When I noticed that, it gave me a valuable notion. I thought I saw my
way out of an old and stubborn difficulty at last. You see, the royalties
of the Pendragon stock were a long-lived race and very fruitful. Whenever a
child was born to any of these -- mdash; and it was pretty often -- mdash;
there was wild joy in the nation's mouth, and piteous sorrow in the
nation's heart. The joy was questionable, but the grief was honest. Because
the event meant another call for a Royal Grant. Long was the list of these
royalties, and they were a heavy and steadily increasing burden upon the
treasury and a menace to the crown. Yet Arthur could not
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 238

believe this latter fact, and he would not listen to any of my various
projects for substituting something in the place of the royal grants. If I
could have persuaded him to now and then provide a support for one of these
outlying scions from his own pocket, I could have made a grand to-do over
it, and it would have had a good effect with the nation; but no, he
wouldn't hear of such a thing. He had something like a religious passion
for royal grant; he seemed to look upon it as a sort of sacred swag, and
one could not irritate him in any way so quickly and so surely as by an
attack upon that venerable institution. If I ventured to cautiously hint
that there was not another respectable family in England that would humble
itself to hold out the hat -- mdash; however, that is as far as I ever got;
he always cut me short there, and peremptorily, too.

   But I believed I saw my chance at last. I would form this crack regiment
out of officers alone -- mdash; not a single private. Half of it should
consist of nobles, who should fill all the places up to Major-General, and
serve gratis and pay their own expenses; and they would be glad to do this
when they should learn that the rest of the regiment would consist
exclusively of princes of the blood. These princes of the blood should
range in rank from Lieutenant-General up to Field Marshal, and be
gorgeously salaried and equipped and fed by the state. Moreover -- mdash;
and this was the master stroke -- mdash; it should be decreed that these
princely grandees should be always addressed by a stunningly gaudy and
awe-compelling title (which I would presently invent), and they and they
only in all England should be so addressed. Finally, all
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 239

princes of the blood should have free choice; join that regiment, get that
great title, and renounce the royal grant, or stay out and receive a grant.
Neatest touch of all: unborn but imminent princes of the blood could be
born into the regiment, and start fair, with good wages and a permanent
situation, upon due notice from the parents.

   All the boys would join, I was sure of that; so, all existing grants
would be relinquished; that the newly born would always join was equally
certain. Within sixty days that quaint and bizarre anomaly, the Royal
Grant, would cease to be a living fact, and take its place among the
curiosities of the past.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 240

                                 Chapter 26

                            THE FIRST NEWSPAPER

   WHEN I told the king I was going out disguised as a petty freeman to
scour the country and familiarize myself with the humbler life of the
people, he was all afire with the novelty of the thing in a minute, and was
bound to take a chance in the adventure himself -- mdash; nothing should
stop him -- mdash; he would drop everything and go along -- mdash; it was
the prettiest idea he had run across for many a day. He wanted to glide out
the back way and start at once; but I showed him that that wouldn't answer.
You see, he was billed for the king's-evil -- mdash; to touch for it, I
mean -- mdash; and it wouldn't be right to disappoint the house and it
wouldn't make a delay worth considering, anyway, it was only a one-night
stand. And I thought he ought to tell the queen he was going away. He
clouded up at that and looked sad. I was sorry I had spoken, especially
when he said mournfully:

   "Thou forgettest that Launcelot is here; and where Launcelot is, she
noteth not the going forth of the king, nor what day he returneth."

   Of course, I changed the Subject. Yes, Guenever was beautiful, it is
true, but take her all around she was pretty slack. I never meddled in
these matters, they weren't my affair, but I did hate to see the way
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 241

things were going on, and I don't mind saying that much. Many's the time
she had asked me, "Sir Boss, hast seen Sir Launcelot about?" but if ever
she went fretting around for the king I didn't happen to be around at the
time.

   There was a very good lay-out for the king's-evil business -- mdash;
very tidy and creditable. The king sat under a canopy of state; about him
were clustered a large body of the clergy in full canonicals. Conspicuous,
both for location and personal outfit, stood Marinel, a hermit of the
quack-doctor species, to introduce the sick. All abroad over the spacious
floor, and clear down to the doors, in a thick jumble, lay or sat the
scrofulous, under a strong light. It was as good as a tableau; in fact, it
had all the look of being gotten up for that, though it wasn't. There were
eight hundred sick people present. The work was slow; it lacked the
interest of novelty for me, because I had seen the ceremonies before; the
thing soon became tedious, but the proprieties required me to stick it out.
The doctor was there for the reason that in all such crowds there were many
people who only imagined something was the matter with them, and many who
were consciously sound but wanted the immortal honor of fleshly contact
with a king, and yet others who pretended to illness in order to get the
piece of coin that went with the touch. Up to this time this coin had been
a wee little gold piece worth about a third of a dollar. When you consider
how much that amount of money would buy, in that age and country, and how
usual it was to be scrofulous, when not dead, you would understand that the
annual king's-evil appropriation was just the River and Harbor bill
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 242

of that government for the grip it took on the treasury and the chance it
afforded for skinning the surplus. So I had privately concluded to touch
the treasury itself for the king's-evil. I covered six-sevenths of the
appropriation into the treasury a week before starting from Camelot on my
adventures, and ordered that the other seventh be inflated into five-cent
nickels and delivered into the hands of the head clerk of the King's Evil
Department; a nickel to take the place of each gold coin, you see, and do
its work for it. It might strain the nickel some, but I judged it could
stand it. As a rule, I do not approve of watering stock, but I considered
it square enough in this case, for it was just a gift, anyway. Of course,
you can water a gift as much as you want to; and I generally do. The old
gold and silver coins of the country were of ancient and unknown origin, as
a rule, but some of them were Roman; they were ill-shapen, and seldom
rounder than a moon that is a week past the full; they were hammered, not
minted, and they were so worn with use that the devices upon them were as
illegible as blisters, and looked like them. I judged that a sharp, bright
new nickel, with a first-rate likeness of the king on one side of it and
Guenever on the other, and a blooming pious motto, would take the tuck out
of scrofula as handy as a nobler coin and please the scrofulous fancy more;
and I was right. This batch was the first it was tried on, and it worked to
a charm. The saving in expense was a notable economy. You will see that by
these figures: We touched a trifle over 700 of the 800 patients; at former
rates, this would have cost the government about $240; at the new rate we
pulled through for about
                                  [Image]

                      `Hast seen Sir Launcelot about?'

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 243

$35, thus saving upward of $200 at one swoop. To appreciate the full
magnitude of this stroke, consider these other figures: the annual expenses
of a national government amount to the equivalent of a contribution of
three days' average wages of every individual of the population, counting
every individual as if he were a man. If you take a nation of 60,000,000,
where average wages are $2 per day, three days' wages taken from each
individual will provide $360,000,000 and pay the government's expenses. In
my day, in my own country, this money was collected from imposts, and the
citizen imagined that the foreign importer paid it, and it made him
comfortable to think so; whereas, in fact, it was paid by the American
people, and was so equally and exactly distributed among them that the
annual cost to the 100-millionaire and the annual cost to the sucking child
of the day-laborer was precisely the same -- mdash; each paid $6. Nothing
could be equaler than that, I reckon. Well, Scotland and Ireland were
tributary to Arthur, and the united populations of the British Islands
amounted to something less than 1,OOO,OOO. A mechanic's average wage was 3
cents a day, when he paid his own keep. By this rule the national
government's expenses were $90,000 a year, or about $250 a day. Thus, by
the substitution of nickels for gold on a king's-evil day, I not only
injured no one, dissatisfied no one, but pleased all concerned and saved
four-fifths of that day's national expense into the bargain -- mdash; a
saving which would have been the equivalent of $800,000 in my day in
America. In making this substitution I had drawn upon the wisdom of a very
remote source -- mdash; the wisdom of my boyhood -- mdash; for the true
statesman does not despise
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 244

any wisdom, howsoever lowly may be its origin: in my boyhood I had always
saved my pennies and contributed buttons to the foreign missionary cause.
The buttons would answer the ignorant savage as well as the coin, the coin
would answer me better than the buttons; all hands were happy and nobody
hurt.

   Marinel took the patients as they came. He examined the candidate; if he
couldn't qualify he was warned off; if he could he was passed along to the
king. A priest pronounced the words, "They shall lay their hands on the
sick, and they shall recover." Then the king stroked the ulcers, while the
reading continued; finally, the patient graduated and got his nickel --
mdash; the king hanging it around his neck himself -- mdash; and was
dismissed. Would you think that that would cure? It certainly did. Any
mummery will cure if the patient's faith is strong in it. Up by Astolat
there was a chapel where the Virgin had once appeared to a girl who used to
herd geese around there -- mdash; the girl said so herself -- mdash; and
they built the chapel upon that spot and hung a picture in it representing
the occurrence -- mdash; a picture which you would think it dangerous for a
sick person to approach; whereas, on the contrary, thousands of the lame
and the sick came and prayed before it every year and went away whole and
sound; and even the well could look upon it and live. Of course, when I was
told these things I did not believe them; but when I went there and saw
them I had to succumb. I saw the cures effected myself; and they were real
cures and not questionable. I saw cripples whom I had seen around Camelot
for years on crutches, arrive and pray before that picture, and put down
their crutches and walk off without a limp.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 245

There were piles of crutches there which had been left by such people as a
testimony.

   In other places people operated on a patient's mind, without saying a
word to him, and cured him. In others, experts assembled patients in a room
and prayed over them, and appealed to their faith, and those patients went
away cured. Wherever you find a king who can't cure the king's-evil you can
be sure that the most valuable superstition that supports his throne --
mdash; the subject's belief in the divine appointment of his sovereign --
mdash; has passed away. In my youth the monarchs of England had ceased to
touch for the evil, but there was no occasion for this diffidence: they
could have cured it forty-nine times in fifty.

   Well, when the priest had been droning for three hours, and the good
king polishing the evidences, and the sick were still pressing forward as
plenty as ever, I got to feeling intolerably bored. I was sitting by an
open window not far from the canopy of state. For the five hundredth time a
patient stood forward to have his repulsivenesses stroked; again those
words were being droned out: "they shall lay their hands on the sick" --
mdash; when outside there rang clear as a clarion a note that enchanted my
soul and tumbled thirteen worthless centuries about my ears: "Camelot
Weekly Hosannah and Literary Volcano! -- mdash; latest irruption -- mdash;
only two cents -- mdash; all about the big miracle in the Valley of
Holiness!" One greater than kings had arrived -- mdash; the newsboy. But I
was the only person in all that throng who knew the meaning of this mighty
birth, and what this imperial magician was come into the world to do.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 246

   I dropped a nickel out of the window and got my paper; the Adam-newsboy
of the world went around the corner to get my change; is around the corner
yet. It was delicious to see a newspaper again, yet I was conscious of a
secret shock when my eye fell upon the first batch of display head-lines. I
had lived in a clammy atmosphere of reverence, respect, deference, so long
that they sent a quivery little cold wave through me:
                                  [Image]

   HIGH TIMES IN THE VALLEY
OF HOLINESS!
-- -- -
THE WATER-MORKS CORKED!
-- -- -
BRER MERLIN WORKS HIS ARTS, BUT GETS
LEFT?
-- -- -
But t he Boss scores on his first Innings!
-- -- -
The Miraculous Well Uncorked amid
awful outbursts of
INFERNAL FIRE AND SMOKE
ANDTHUNDER!
-- -- -
THE BUZZARD-ROOST ASTONISHED!
-- -- -
UNPARALLELED REJOIBINGS!
-- -- -

    -- mdash; and so on, and so on. Yes, it was too loud. Once I could have
enjoyed it and seen nothing out of the
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 247

way about it, but now its note was discordant. It was good Arkansas
journalism, but this was not Arkansas. Moreover, the next to the last line
was calculated to give offense to the hermits, and perhaps lose us their
advertising. Indeed, there was too lightsome a tone of flippancy all
through the paper. It was plain I had undergone a considerable change
without noticing it. I found myself unpleasantly affected by pert little
irreverencies which would have seemed but proper and airy graces of speech
at an earlier period of my life. There was an abundance of the following
breed of items, and they discomforted me:
                                  [Image]

                          Local Smoke and Cinders

   Local Smoke and Cinders.

   Sir Launcelot met up with old King Agrivance of Ireland unexpectedly
last weok over on the moor south of Sir Balmoral le Merveilleuse's hog
dasture. The widow has been notified.

   Expedition No. 3 will start adout the first of nextmgnth on a search f8r
Sir Sagramour le Desirous. It is in command of the renowned Knight of the
Red Lawns, assisted by Sir Persant of Inde, who is compete9t. intelligent,
courteous, and in every mav a brick, and furtHer assisted by Sir Palamides
the Saracen, who is no huckleberry himself. This is no pic-nic, these boys
mean busine&s.

   The readers of the Hosannah will regret to learn that the handsome and
popular Sir Charolais of Gaul, who during his four weeks' stay at the Bull
and
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 248

                                  [Image]

Halibut, thiscity, has won every heart by his polished manners and elegant
cnversation, will pull out to-day for home. Give us another call, Charley!

   The bdsiness end of the funeral of the late Sir Dalliance the duke's son
of Cornwall, killed in an encounter with the Giant of the Knotted Bludgeon
last Tuesday on the borders of the Plain of Enchantment was in the hands of
the ever affable and eiffcient Mumble, prince of un3ertakers, then whom
there exists none by whom it were a more satisfying pleasure to have the
last sad offices performed. Give him a trial.

   The cordial thanks of the Hosannah office are due, from editor down to
devil, to the ever courteous and thoughtful Lord High Steward of the
Palace's Thrid Assistant V t for several sauce[Image]me for early
promotion, the Hosannah would like a chance to sudgest.

   The Demoiselle Krene Dewlap, of South Astolat, is visiting her uncle,
the popular host of the Cattlemen's Boarding Ho&se, Liver Lane, this city.

   Young Barker the bellows-mender is hoMe again, and looks much improved
by his vacation round-up among the outlying smithies. See his ad.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 249

   Of course it was good enough journalism for a beginning; I knew that
quite well, and yet it was somehow disappointing. The "Court Circular"
pleased me better; indeed, its simple and dignified respectfulness was a
distinct refreshment to me after all those disgraceful familiarities. But
even it could have been improved. Do what one may, there is no getting an
air of variety into a court circular, I acknowledge that. There is a
profound monotonousness about its facts that baffles and defeats one's
sincerest efforts to make them sparkle and enthuse. The best way to manage
-- mdash; in fact, the only sensible way -- mdash; is to disguise
repetitiousness of fact under variety of form: skin your fact each time and
lay on a new cuticle of words. It deceives the eye; you think it is a new
fact; it gives you the idea that the court is carrying on like everything;
this excites you, and you drain the whole column, with a good appetite, and
perhaps never notice that it's a barrel of soup made out of a single bean.
Clarence's way was good, it was simple, it was dignified, it was direct and
business-like; all I say is, it was not the best way:

   COURT CIRCULAR.
*On Monday, the king rode in the park.
*" Tuesday, " " "
*" Wednesday " " "
*" Thursday " " "
*" Friday, " " "
*" SaTurday " " "
*" Sunday, " " "

   However, take the paper by and large, I was vastly
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 250

pleased with it. Little crudities of a mechanical sort were observable here
and there, but there were not enough of them to amount to anything, and it
was good enough Arkansas proof-reading, anyhow, and better than was needed
in Arthur's day and realm. As a rule, the grammar was leaky and the
construction more or less lame; but I did not much mind these things. They
are common defects of my own, and one mustn't criticise other people on
grounds where he can't stand perpendicular himself.

   I was hungry enough for literature to want to take down the whole paper
at this one meal, but I got only a few bites, and then had to postpone,
because the monks around me besieged me so with eager questions: What is
this curious thing? What is it for? Is it a handkerchief? -- mdash; saddle
blanket? -- mdash; part of a shirt? What is it made of? How thin it is, and
how dainty and frail; and how it rattles. Will it wear, do you think, and
won't the rain injure it? Is it writing that appears on it, or is it only
ornamentation? They suspected it was writing, because those among them who
knew how to read Latin and had a smattering of Greek, recognized some of
the letters, but they could make nothing out of the result as a whole. I
put my information in the simplest form I could:

   "It is a public journal; I will explain what that is, another time. It
is not cloth, it is made of paper; some time I will explain what paper is.
The lines on it are reading matter; and not written by hand, but printed;
by and by I will explain what printing is. A thousand of these sheets have
been made, all exactly like this, in every minute detail -- mdash; they
can't
                                  [Image]

                               Solid Comfort

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 251

be told apart." Then they all broke out with exclamations of surprise and
admiration:

   "A thousand! Verily a mighty work -- mdash; a year's work for many men."

   "No -- mdash; merely a day's work for a man and a boy."

   They crossed themselves, and whiffed out a protective prayer or two.

   "Ah-h -- mdash; a miracle, a wonder! Dark work of enchantment."

   I let it go at that. Then I read in a low voice, to as many as could
crowd their shaven heads within hearing distance, part of the account of
the miracle of the restoration of the well, and was accompanied by
astonished and reverent ejaculations all through: "Ah-h-h!" "How true!"
"Amazing, amazing!" "These be the very haps as they happened, in marvelous
exactness!" And might they take this strange thing in their hands, and feel
of it and examine it? -- mdash; they would be very careful. Yes. So they
took it, handling it as cautiously and devoutly as if it had been some holy
thing come from some supernatural region; and gently felt of its texture,
caressed its pleasant smooth surface with lingering touch, and scanned the
mysterious characters with fascinated eyes. These grouped bent heads, these
charmed faces, these speaking eyes -- mdash; how beautiful to me! For was
not this my darling, and was not all this mute wonder and interest and
homage a most eloquent tribute and unforced compliment to it? I knew, then,
how a mother feels when women, whether strangers or friends, take her new
baby, and close themselves about it with one eager impulse, and bend their
heads over it in a tranced adoration that makes all the rest of the
universe
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 252

vanish out of their consciousness and be as if it were not, for that time.
I knew how she feels, and that there is no other satisfied ambition,
whether of king, conqueror, or poet, that ever reaches half-way to that
serene far summit or yields half so divine a contentment.

   During all the rest of the seance my paper traveled from group to group
all up and down and about that huge hall, and my happy eye was upon it
always, and I sat motionless, steeped in satisfaction, drunk with
enjoyment. Yes, this was heaven; I was tasting it once, if I might never
taste it more.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 253

                                 Chapter 27

                  THE YANKEE AND THE KING TRAVEL INCOGNITO

   ABOUT bedtime I took the king to my private quarters to cut his hair and
help him get the hang of the lowly raiment he was to wear. The high classes
wore their hair banged across the forehead but hanging to the shoulders the
rest of the way around, whereas the lowest ranks of commoners were banged
fore and aft both; the slaves were bangless, and allowed their hair free
growth. So I inverted a bowl over his head and cut away all the locks that
hung below it. I also trimmed his whiskers and mustache until they were
only about a half-inch long; and tried to do it inartistically, and
succeeded. It was a villainous disfigurement. When he got his lubberly
sandals on, and his long robe of coarse brown linen cloth, which hung
straight from his neck to his ankle-bones, he was no longer the comeliest
man in his kingdom, but one of the unhandsomest and most commonplace and
unattractive. We were dressed and barbered alike, and could pass for small
farmers, or farm bailiffs, or shepherds, or carters; yes, or for village
artisans, if we chose, our costume being in effect universal among the
poor, because of its strength and cheapness. I don't mean that it was
really cheap to a very poor person, but I do mean that it was the cheapest
material
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 254

there was for male attire -- mdash; manufactured material, you understand.

   We slipped away an hour before dawn, and by broad sun-up had made eight
or ten miles, and were in the midst of a sparsely settled country. I had a
pretty heavy knapsack; it was laden with provisions -- mdash; provisions
for the king to taper down on, till he could take to the coarse fare of the
country without damage.

   I found a comfortable seat for the king by the roadside, and then gave
him a morsel or two to stay his stomach with. Then I said I would find some
water for him, and strolled away. Part of my project was to get out of
sight and sit down and rest a little myself. It had always been my custom
to stand when in his presence; even at the council board, except upon those
rare occasions when the sitting was a very long one, extending over hours;
then I had a trifling little backless thing which was like a reversed
culvert and was as comfortable as the toothache. I didn't want to break him
in suddenly, but do it by degrees. We should have to sit together now when
in company, or people would notice; but it would not be good politics for
me to be playing equality with him when there was no necessity for it.

   I found the water some three hundred yards away, and had been resting
about twenty minutes, when I heard voices. That is all right, I thought --
mdash; peasants going to work; nobody else likely to be stirring this
early. But the next moment these comers jingled into sight around a turn of
the road -- mdash; smartly clad people of quality, with luggage-mules and
servants in their train! I was off like a shot, through the bushes, by
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 255

the shortest cut. For a while it did seem that these people would pass the
king before I could get to him; but desperation gives you wings, you know,
and I canted my body forward, inflated my breast, and held my breath and
flew. I arrived. And in plenty good enough time, too.

   "Pardon, my king, but it's no time for ceremony -- mdash; jump! Jump to
your feet -- mdash; some quality are coming!"

   "Is that a marvel? Let them come."

   "But my liege! You must not be seen sitting. Rise! -- mdash; and stand
in humble posture while they pass. You are a peasant, you know."

   "True -- mdash; I had forgot it, so lost was I in planning of a huge war
with Gaul" -- mdash; he was up by this time, but a farm could have got up
quicker, if there was any kind of a boom in real estate -- mdash; "and
right-so a thought came randoming overthwart this majestic dream the which
-- mdash; "

   "A humbler attitude, my lord the king -- mdash; and quick! Duck your
head! -- mdash; more! -- mdash; still more! -- mdash; droop it!"

   He did his honest best, but lord, it was no great things. He looked as
humble as the leaning tower at Pisa. It is the most you could say of it.
Indeed, it was such a thundering poor success that it raised wondering
scowls all along the line, and a gorgeous flunkey at the tail end of it
raised his whip; but I jumped in time and was under it when it fell; and
under cover of the volley of coarse laughter which followed, I spoke up
sharply and warned the king to take no notice. He mastered himself for the
moment, but it was a sore tax; he wanted to eat up the procession. I said:

   "It would end our adventures at the very start; and we, being without
weapons, could do nothing with
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 256

that armed gang. If we are going to succeed in our emprise, we must not
only look the peasant but act the peasant."

   "It is wisdom; none can gainsay it. Let us go on, Sir Boss. I will take
note and learn, and do the best I may."

   He kept his word. He did the best he could, but I've seen better. If you
have ever seen an active, heedless, enterprising child going diligently out
of one mischief and into another all day long, and an anxious mother at its
heels all the while, and just saving it by a hair from drowning itself or
breaking its neck with each new experiment, you've seen the king and me.

   If I could have foreseen what the thing was going to be like, I should
have said, No, if anybody wants to make his living exhibiting a king as a
peasant, let him take the layout; I can do better with a menagerie, and
last longer. And yet, during the first three days I never allowed him to
enter a hut or other dwelling. If he could pass muster anywhere during his
early novitiate it would be in small inns and on the road; so to these
places we confined ourselves. Yes, he certainly did the best he could, but
what of that? He didn't improve a bit that I could see.

   He was always frightening me, always breaking out with fresh
astonishers, in new and unexpected places. Toward evening on the second
day, what does he do but blandly fetch out a dirk from inside his robe!

   "Great guns, my liege, where did you get that?"

   "From a smuggler at the inn, yester eve."

   "What in the world possessed you to buy it?"

   "We have escaped divers dangers by wit -- mdash; thy wit
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 257

-- mdash; but I have bethought me that it were but prudence if I bore a
weapon, too. Thine might fail thee in some pinch."

   "But people of our condition are not allowed to carry arms. What would a
lord say -- mdash; yes, or any other person of whatever condition -- mdash;
if he caught an upstart peasant with a dagger on his person?"

   It was a lucky thing for us that nobody came along just then. I
persuaded him to throw the dirk away; and it was as easy as persuading a
child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself. We walked
along, silent and thinking. Finally the king said:

   "When ye know that I meditate a thing inconvenient, or that hath a peril
in it, why do you not warn me to cease from that project?"

   It was a startling question, and a puzzler. I didn't quite know how to
take hold of it, or what to say, and so, of course, I ended by saying the
natural thing:

   "But, sire, how can I know what your thoughts are?"

   The king stopped dead in his tracks, and stared at me.

   "I believed thou wert greater than Merlin; and truly in magic thou art.
But prophecy is greater than magic. Merlin is a prophet."

   I saw I had made a blunder. I must get back my lost ground. After a deep
reflection and careful planning, I said:

   "Sire, I have been misunderstood. I will explain. There are two kinds of
prophecy. One is the gift to foretell things that are but a little way off,
the other is the gift to foretell things that are whole ages and
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 258

centuries away. Which is the mightier gift, do you think?"

   "Oh, the last, most surely!"

   "True. Does Merlin possess it?"

   "Partly, yes. He foretold mysteries about my birth and future kingship
that were twenty years away."

   "Has he ever gone beyond that?"

   "He would not claim more, I think."

   "It is probably his limit. All prophets have their limit. The limit of
some of the great prophets has been a hundred years."

   "These are few, I ween."

   "There have been two still greater ones, whose limit was four hundred
and six hundred years, and one whose limit compassed even seven hundred and
twenty."

   "Gramercy, it is marvelous!"

   "But what are these in comparison with me? They are nothing."

   "What? Canst thou truly look beyond even so vast a stretch of time as --
mdash; "

   "Seven hundred years? My liege, as clear as the vision of an eagle does
my prophetic eye penetrate and lay bare the future of this world for nearly
thirteen centuries and a half!"

   My land, you should have seen the king's eyes spread slowly open, and
lift the earth's entire atmosphere as much as an inch! That settled Brer
Merlin. One never had any occasion to prove his facts, with these people;
all he had to do was to state them. It never occurred to anybody to doubt
the statement.

   "Now, then," I continued, "I could work both
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 259

kinds of prophecy -- mdash; the long and the short -- mdash; if I chose to
take the trouble to keep in practice; but I seldom exercise any but the
long kind, because the other is beneath my dignity. It is properer to
Merlin's sort -- mdash; stump-tail prophets, as we call them in the
profession. Of course, I whet up now and then and flirt out a minor
prophecy, but not often -- mdash; hardly ever, in fact. You will remember
that there was great talk, when you reached the Valley of Holiness, about
my having prophesied your coming and the very hour of your arrival, two or
three days beforehand."

   "Indeed, yes, I mind it now."

   "Well, I could have done it as much as forty times easier, and piled on
a thousand times more detail into the bargain, if it had been five hundred
years away instead of two or three days."

   "How amazing that it should be so!"

   "Yes, a genuine expert can always foretell a thing that is five hundred
years away easier than he can a thing that's only five hundred seconds
off."

   "And yet in reason it should clearly be the other way; it should be five
hundred times as easy to fore-tell the last as the first, for, indeed, it
is so close by that one uninspired might almost see it. In truth, the law
of prophecy doth contradict the likelihoods, most strangely making the
difficult easy, and the easy difficult."

   It was a wise head. A peasant's cap was no safe disguise for it; you
could know it for a king's under a diving-bell, if you could hear it work
its intellect.

   I had a new trade now, and plenty of business in it. The king was as
hungry to find out everything that
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 260

was going to happen during the next thirteen centuries as if he were
expecting to live in them. From that time out, I prophesied myself
bald-headed trying to supply the demand. I have done some indiscreet things
in my day, but this thing of playing myself for a prophet was the worst.
Still, it had its ameliorations. A prophet doesn't have to have any brains.
They are good to have, of course, for the ordinary exigencies of life, but
they are no use in professional work. It is the restfulest vocation there
is. When the spirit of prophecy comes upon you, you merely cake your
intellect and lay it off in a cool place for a rest, and unship your jaw
and leave it alone; it will work itself: the result is prophecy.

   Every day a knight-errant or so came along, and the sight of them fired
the king's martial spirit every time. He would have forgotten himself,
sure, and said something to them in a style a suspicious shade or so above
his ostensible degree, and so I always got him well out of the road in
time. Then he would stand and look with all his eyes; and a proud light
would flash from them, and his nostrils would inflate like a war-horse's,
and I knew he was longing for a brush with them. But about noon of the
third day I had stopped in the road to take a precaution which had been
suggested by the whip-stroke that had fallen to my share two days before; a
precaution which I had afterward decided to leave untaken, I was so loath
to institute it; but now I had just had a fresh reminder: while striding
heedlessly along, with jaw spread and intellect at rest, for I was
prophesying, I stubbed my toe and fell sprawling. I was so pale I couldn't
think for a moment; then I got softly and
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 261

carefully up and unstrapped my knapsack. I had that dynamite bomb in it,
done up in wool in a box. It was a good thing to have along; the time would
come when I could do a valuable miracle with it, maybe, but it was a
nervous thing to have about me, and I didn't like to ask the king to carry
it. Yet I must either throw it away or think up some safe way to get along
with its society. I got it out and slipped it into my scrip, and just then
here came a couple of knights. The king stood, stately as a statue, gazing
toward them -- mdash; had forgotten himself again, of course -- mdash; and
before I could get a word of warning out, it was time for him to skip, and
well that he did it, too. He supposed they would turn aside. Turn aside to
avoid trampling peasant dirt under foot? When had he ever turned aside
himself -- mdash; or ever had the chance to do it, if a peasant saw him or
any other noble knight in time to judiciously save him the trouble? The
knights paid no attention to the king at all; it was his place to look out
himself, and if he hadn't skipped he would have been placidly ridden down,
and laughed at besides.

   The king was in a flaming fury, and launched out his challenge and
epithets with a most royal vigor. The knights were some little distance by
now. They halted, greatly surprised, and turned in their saddles and looked
back, as if wondering if it might be worth while to bother with such scum
as we. Then they wheeled and started for us. Not a moment must be lost. I
started for them. I passed them at a rattling gait, and as I went by I
flung out a hair-lifting soul-scorching thirteen-jointed insult which made
the king's effort poor and cheap by comparison. I got it out of
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 262

the nineteenth century where they know how. They had such headway that they
were nearly to the king before they could check up; then, frantic with
rage, they stood up their horses on their hind hoofs and whirled them
around, and the next moment here they came, breast to breast. I was seventy
yards off, then, and scrambling up a great bowlder at the roadside. When
they were within thirty yards of me they let their long lances droop to a
level, depressed their mailed heads, and so, with their horse-hair plumes
streaming straight out behind, most gallant to see, this lightning express
came tearing for me! When they were within fifteen yards, I sent that bomb
with a sure aim, and it struck the ground just under the horses' noses.

   Yes, it was a neat thing, very neat and pretty to see. It resembled a
steamboat explosion on the Mississippi; and during the next fifteen minutes
we stood under a steady drizzle of microscopic fragments of knights and
hardware and horse-flesh. I say we, for the king joined the audience, of
course, as soon as he had got his breath again. There was a hole there
which would afford steady work for all the people in that region for some
years to come -- mdash; in trying to explain it, I mean; as for filling it
up, that service would be comparatively prompt, and would fall to the lot
of a select few -- mdash; peasants of that seignory; and they wouldn't get
anything for it, either.

   But I explained it to the king myself. I said it was done with a
dynamite bomb, This information did him no damage, because it left him as
intelligent as he was before. However, it was a noble miracle, in his eyes,
and was another settler for Merlin. I thought
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 263

it well enough to explain that this was a miracle of so rare a sort that it
couldn't be done except when the atmospheric conditions were just right.
Otherwise he would be encoring it every time we had a good subject, and
that would be inconvenient, because I hadn't any more bombs along.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 264

                                 Chapter 28

                             DRILLING THE KING

   ON the morning of the fourth day, when it was just sunrise, and we had
been tramping an hour in the chill dawn, I came to a resolution: the king
must be drilled; things could not go on so, he must be taken in hand and
deliberately and conscientiously drilled, or we couldn't ever venture to
enter a dwelling; the very cats would know this masquerader for a humbug
and no peasant. So I called a halt and said:

   "Sire, as between clothes and countenance, you are all right, there is
no discrepancy; but as between your clothes and your bearing, you are all
wrong, there is a most noticeable discrepancy. Your soldierly stride, your
lordly port -- mdash; these will not do. You stand too straight, your looks
are too high, too confident. The cares of a kingdom do not stoop the
shoulders, they do not droop the chin, they do not depress the high level
of the eye-glance, they do not put doubt and fear in the heart and hang out
the signs of them in slouching body and unsure step. It is the sordid cares
of the lowly born that do these things. You must learn the trick; you must
imitate the trademarks of poverty, misery, oppression, insult, and the
other several and common inhumanities that sap the manliness out of a man
and make him a loyal and proper and
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 265

approved subject and a satisfaction to his masters, or the very infants
will know you for better than your disguise, and we shall go to pieces at
the first hut we stop at. Pray try to walk like this."

   The king took careful note, and then tried an imitation.

   "Pretty fair -- mdash; pretty fair. Chin a little lower, please --
mdash; there, very good. Eyes too high; pray don't look at the horizon,
look at the ground, ten steps in front of you. Ah -- mdash; that is better,
that is very good. Wait, please; you betray too much vigor, too much
decision; you want more of a shamble. Look at me, please -- mdash; this is
what I mean......Now you are getting it; that is the idea -- mdash; at
least, it sort of approaches it......Yes, that is pretty fair. But! There
is a great big something wanting, I don't quite know what it is. Please
walk thirty yards, so that I can get a perspective on the thing......Now,
then -- mdash; your head's right, speed's right, shoulders right, eyes
right, chin right, gait, carriage, general style right -- mdash;
everything's right! And yet the fact remains, the aggregate's wrong. The
account don't balance. Do it again, please......NOW I think I begin to see
what it is. Yes, I've struck it. You see, the genuine spiritlessness is
wanting; that's what's the trouble. It's all amatueur -- mdash; mechanical
details all right, almost to a hair; everything about the delusion perfect,
except that it don't delude."

   "What, then, must one do, to prevail?"

   "Let me think......I can't seem to quite get at it. In fact, there isn't
anything that can right the matter but practice. This is a good place for
it: roots and stony ground to break up your stately gait, a region not
liable to interruption, only one field and
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 266

one hut in sight, and they so far away that nobody could see us from there.
It will be well to move a little off the road and put in the whole day
drilling you, sire."

   After the drill had gone on a little while, I said:

   "Now, sire, imagine that we are at the door of the hut yonder, and the
family are before us. Proceed, please -- mdash; accost the head of the
house."

   The king unconsciously straightened up like a monument, and said, with
frozen austerity:

   "Varlet, bring a seat; and serve to me what cheer ye have."

   "Ah, your grace, that is not well done."

   "In what lacketh it?"

   "These people do not call each other varlets."

   "Nay, is that true?"

   "Yes; only those above them call them so."

   "Then must I try again. I will call him villein."

   "No-no; for he may be a freeman."

   "Ah -- mdash; so. Then peradventure I should call him goodman."

   "That would answer, your grace, but it would be still better if you said
friend, or brother."

   "Brother! -- mdash; to dirt like that?"

   "Ah, but we are pretending to be dirt like that, too."

   "It is even true. I will say it. Brother, bring a seat, and thereto what
cheer ye have, withal. Now 'tis right."

   "Not quite, not wholly right. You have asked for one, not us -- mdash;
for one, not both; food for one, a seat for one."

   The king looked puzzled -- mdash; he wasn't a very heavy
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 267

weight, intellectually. His head was an hour-glass; it could stow an idea,
but it had to do it a grain at a time, not the whole idea at once.

   "Would you have a seat also -- mdash; and sit?"

   "If I did not sit, the man would perceive that we were only pretending
to be equals -- mdash; and playing the deception pretty poorly, too."

   "It is well and truly said! How wonderful is truth, come it in
whatsoever unexpected form it may! Yes, he must bring out seats and food
for both, and in serving us present not ewer and napkin with more show of
respect to the one than to the other."

   "And there is even yet a detail that needs correcting. He must bring
nothing outside; we will go in -- mdash; in among the dirt, and possibly
other repulsive things, -- mdash; and take the food with the household, and
after the fashion of the house, and all on equal terms, except the man be
of the serf class; and finally, there will be no ewer and no napkin,
whether he be serf or free. Please walk again, my liege. There -- mdash; it
is better -- mdash; it is the best yet; but not perfect. The shoulders have
known no ignobler burden than iron mail, and they will not stoop."

   "Give me, then, the bag. I will learn the spirit that goeth with burdens
that have not honor. It is the spirit that stoopeth the shoulders, I ween,
and not the weight; for armor is heavy, yet it is a proud burden, and a man
standeth straight in it......Nay, but me no buts, offer me no objections. I
will have the thing. Strap it upon my back."

   He was complete now with that knapsack on, and looked as little like a
king as any man I had ever
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 268

seen. But it was an obstinate pair of shoulders; they could not seem to
learn the trick of stooping with any sort of deceptive naturalness. The
drill went on, I prompting and correcting:

   "Now, make believe you are in debt, and eaten up by relentless
creditors; you are out of work -- mdash; which is horse-shoeing, let us say
-- mdash; and can get none; and your wife is sick, your children are crying
because they are hungry -- mdash; "

   And so on, and so on. I drilled him as representing in turn all sorts of
people out of luck and suffering dire privations and misfortunes. But lord,
it was only just words, words -- mdash; they meant nothing in the world to
him, I might just as well have whistled. Words realize nothing, vivify
nothing to you, unless you have suffered in your own person the thing which
the words try to describe. There are wise people who talk ever so knowingly
and complacently about "the working classes," and satisfy themselves that a
day's hard intellectual work is very much harder than a day's hard manual
toil, and is righteously entitled to much bigger pay. Why, they really
think that, you know, because they know all about the one, but haven't
tried the other. But I know all about both; and so far as I am concerned,
there isn't money enough in the universe to hire me to swing a pickaxe
thirty days, but I will do the hardest kind of intellectual work for just
as near nothing as you can cipher it down -- mdash; and I will be
satisfied, too.

   Intellectual "work" is misnamed; it is a pleasure, a dissipation, and is
its own highest reward. The poorest paid architect, engineer, general,
author, sculptor, painter, lecturer, advocate, legislator, actor,
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 269

preacher, singer is constructively in heaven when he is at work; and as for
the musician with the fiddle-bow in his hand who sits in the midst of a
great orchestra with the ebbing and flowing tides of divine sound washing
over him -- mdash; why, certainly, he is at work, if you wish to call it
that, but lord, it's a sarcasm just the same. The law of work does seem
utterly unfair -- mdash; but there it is, and nothing can change it: the
higher the pay in enjoyment the worker gets out of it, the higher shall be
his pay in cash, also. And it's also the very law of those transparent
swindles, transmissible nobility and kingship.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 270

                                 Chapter 29

                              THE SMALLPOX HUT

   WHEN we arrived at that hut at mid-afternoon, we saw no signs of life
about it. The field near by had been denuded of its crop some time before,
and had a skinned look, so exhaustively had it been harvested and gleaned.
Fences, sheds, everything had a ruined look, and were eloquent of poverty.
No animal was around anywhere, no living thing in sight. The stillness was
awful, it was like the stillness of death. The cabin was a one-story one,
whose thatch was black with age, and ragged from lack of repair.

   The door stood a trifle ajar. We approached it stealthily -- mdash; on
tiptoe and at half-breath -- mdash; for that is the way one's feeling makes
him do, at such a time. The king knocked. We waited. No answer. Knocked
again. No answer. I pushed the door softly open and looked in. I made out
some dim forms, and a woman started up from the ground and stared at me, as
one does who is wakened from sleep. Presently she found her voice:

   "Have mercy!" she pleaded. "All is taken, nothing is left."

   "I have not come to take anything, poor woman."

   "You are not a priest?"

   "No."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 271

   "Nor come not from the lord of the manor?"

   "No, I am a stranger."

   "Oh, then, for the fear of God, who visits with misery and death such as
be harmless, tarry not here, but fly! This place is under his curse --
mdash; and his Church's."

   "Let me come in and help you -- mdash; you are sick and in trouble."

   I was better used to the dim light now. I could see her hollow eyes
fixed upon me. I could see how emaciated she was.

   "I tell you the place is under the Church's ban. Save yourself -- mdash;
and go, before some straggler see thee here, and report it."

   "Give yourself no trouble about me; I don't care anything for the
Church's curse. Let me help you."

   "Now all good spirits -- mdash; if there be any such -- mdash; bless
thee for that word. Would God I had a sup of water! -- mdash; but hold,
hold, forget I said it, and fly; for there is that here that even he that
feareth not the Church must fear: this disease whereof we die. Leave us,
thou brave, good stranger, and take with thee such whole and sincere
blessing as them that be accursed can give."

   But before this I had picked up a wooden bowl and was rushing past the
king on my way to the brook. It was ten yards away. When I got back and
entered, the king was within, and was opening the shutter that closed the
window-hole, to let in air and light. The place was full of a foul stench.
I put the bowl to the woman's lips, and as she gripped it with her eager
talons the shutter came open and a strong light flooded her face. Smallpox!
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 272

   I sprang to the king, and said in his ear:

   "Out of the door on the instant, sire! the woman is dying of that
disease that wasted the skirts of Camelot two years ago."

   He did not budge.

   "Of a truth I shall remain -- mdash; and likewise help."

   I whispered again:

   "King, it must not be. You must go."

   "Ye mean well, and ye speak not unwisely. But it were shame that a king
should know fear, and shame that belted knight should withhold his hand
where be such as need succor. Peace, I will not go. It is you who must go.
The Church's ban is not upon me, but it forbiddeth you to be here, and she
will deal with you with a heavy hand an word come to her of your trespass."

   It was a desperate place for him to be in, and might cost him his life,
but it was no use to argue with him. If he considered his knightly honor at
stake here, that was the end of argument; he would stay, and nothing could
prevent it; I was aware of that. And so I dropped the subject. The woman
spoke:

   "Fair sir, of your kindness will ye climb the ladder there, and bring me
news of what ye find? Be not afraid to report, for times can come when even
a mother's heart is past breaking -- mdash; being already broke."

   "Abide," said the king, "and give the woman to eat. I will go." And he
put down the knapsack.

   I turned to start, but the king had already started. He halted, and
looked down upon a man who lay in a dim light, and had not noticed us thus
far, or spoken.

   "Is it your husband?" the king asked.

   "Yes."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 273

   "Is he asleep?"

   "God be thanked for that one charity, yes -- mdash; these three hours.
Where shall I pay to the full, my gratitude! for my heart is bursting with
it for that sleep he sleepeth now."

   I said:

   "We will be careful. We will not wake him."

   "Ah, no, that ye will not, for he is dead."

   "Dead?"

   "Yes, what triumph it is to know it! None can harm him, none insult him
more. He is in heaven now, and happy; or if not there, he bides in hell and
is content; for in that place he will find neither abbot nor yet bishop. We
were boy and girl together; we were man and wife these five and twenty
years, and never separated till this day. Think how long that is to love
and suffer together. This morning was he out of his mind, and in his fancy
we were boy and girl again and wandering in the happy fields; and so in
that innocent glad converse wandered he far and farther, still lightly
gossiping, and entered into those other fields we know not of, and was shut
away from mortal sight. And so there was no parting, for in his fancy I
went with him; he knew not but I went with him, my hand in his -- mdash; my
young soft hand, not this withered claw. Ah, yes, to go, and know it not;
to separate and know it not; how could one go peace -- mdash; fuller than
that? It was his reward for a cruel life patiently borne."

   There was a slight noise from the direction of the dim corner where the
ladder was. It was the king descending. I could see that he was bearing
something in one arm, and assisting himself with the other.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 274

He came forward into the light; upon his breast lay a slender girl of
fifteen. She was but half conscious; she was dying of smallpox. Here was
heroism at its last and loftiest possibility, its utmost summit; this was
challenging death in the open field unarmed, with all the odds against the
challenger, no reward set upon the contest, and no admiring world in silks
and cloth of gold to gaze and applaud; and yet the king's bearing was as
serenely brave as it had always been in those cheaper contests where knight
meets knight in equal fight and clothed in protecting steel. He was great
now; sublimely great. The rude statues of his ancestors in his palace
should have an addition -- mdash; I would see to that; and it would not be
a mailed king killing a giant or a dragon, like the rest, it would be a
king in commoner's garb bearing death in his arms that a peasant mother
might look her last upon her child and be comforted.

   He laid the girl down by her mother, who poured out endearments and
caresses from an overflowing heart, and one could detect a flickering faint
light of response in the child's eyes, but that was all. The mother hung
over her, kissing her, petting her, and imploring her to speak, but the
lips only moved and no sound came. I snatched my liquor flask from my
knapsack, but the woman forbade me, and said:

   "No -- mdash; she does not suffer; it is better so. It might bring her
back to life. None that be so good and kind as ye are would do her that
cruel hurt. For look you -- mdash; what is left to live for? Her brothers
are gone, her father is gone, her mother goeth, the Church's curse is upon
her, and none may shelter or befriend her even though she lay perishing in
the road. She is desolate.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 275

I have not asked you, good heart, if her sister be still on live, here
overhead; I had no need; ye had gone back, else, and not left the poor
thing forsaken -- mdash; "

   "She lieth at peace," interrupted the king, in a subdued voice.

   "I would not change it. How rich is this day in happiness! Ah, my Annis,
thou shalt join thy sister soon -- mdash; thou'rt on thy way, and these be
merciful friends that will not hinder."

   And so she fell to murmuring and cooing over the girl again, and softly
stroking her face and hair, and kissing her and calling her by endearing
names; but there was scarcely sign of response now in the glazing eyes. I
saw tears well from the king's eyes, and trickle down his face. The woman
noticed them, too, and said:

   "Ah, I know that sign: thou'st a wife at home, poor soul, and you and
she have gone hungry to bed, many's the time, that the little ones might
have your crust; you know what poverty is, and the daily insults of your
betters, and the heavy hand of the Church and the king."

   The king winced under this accidental home-shot, but kept still; he was
learning his part; and he was playing it well, too, for a pretty dull
beginner. I struck up a diversion. I offered the woman food and liquor, but
she refused both. She would allow nothing to come between her and the
release of death. Then I slipped away and brought the dead child from
aloft, and laid it by her. This broke her down again, and there was another
scene that was full of heartbreak. By and by I made another diversion, and
beguiled her to sketch her story.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 276

   "Ye know it well yourselves, having suffered it -- mdash; for truly none
of our condition in Britain escape it. It is the old, weary tale. We fought
and struggled and succeeded; meaning by success, that we lived and did not
die; more than that is not to be claimed. No troubles came that we could
not outlive, till this year brought them; then came they all at once, as
one might say, and overwhelmed us. Years ago the lord of the manor planted
certain fruit trees on our farm; in the best part of it, too -- mdash; a
grievous wrong and shame -- mdash; "

   "But it was his right," interrupted the king.

   "None denieth that, indeed; an the law mean anything, what is the lord's
is his, and what is mine is his also. Our farm was ours by lease, therefore
'twas likewise his, to do with it as he would. Some little time ago, three
of those trees were found hewn down. Our three grown sons ran frightened to
report the crime. Well, in his lordship's dungeon there they lie, who saith
there shall they lie and rot till they confess. They have naught to
confess, being innocent, wherefore there will they remain until they die.
Ye know that right well, I ween. Think how this left us; a man, a woman and
two children, to gather a crop that was planted by so much greater force,
yes, and protect it night and day from pigeons and prowling animals that be
sacred and must not be hurt by any of our sort. When my lord's crop was
nearly ready for the harvest, so also was ours; when his bell rang to call
us to his fields to harvest his crop for nothing, he would not allow that I
and my two girls should count for our three captive sons, but for only two
of them; so, for the lacking one were we daily fined. All this time our own
crop was perishing through neglect;
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 277

and so both the priest and his lordship fined us because their shares of it
were suffering through damage. In the end the fines ate up our crop --
mdash; and they took it all; they took it all and made us harvest it for
them, without pay or food, and we starving. Then the worst came when I,
being out of my mind with hunger and loss of my boys, and grief to see my
husband and my little maids in rags and misery and despair, uttered a deep
blasphemy -- mdash; oh! a thousand of them! -- mdash; against the Church
and the Church's ways. It was ten days ago. I had fallen sick with this
disease, and it was to the priest I said the words, for he was come to
chide me for lack of due humility under the chastening hand of God. He
carried my trespass to his betters; I was stubborn; wherefore, presently
upon my head and upon all heads that were dear to me, fell the curse of
Rome.

   "Since that day we are avoided, shunned with horror. None has come near
this hut to know whether we live or not. The rest of us were taken down.
Then I roused me and got up, as wife and mother will. It was little they
could have eaten in any case; it was less than little they had to eat. But
there was water, and I gave them that. How they craved it! and how they
blessed it! But the end came yesterday; my strength broke down. Yesterday
was the last time I ever saw my husband and this youngest child alive. I
have lain here all these hours -- mdash; these ages, ye may say -- mdash;
listening, listening for any sound up there that -- mdash; "

   She gave a sharp quick glance at her eldest daughter, then cried out,
"Oh, my darling!" and feebly gathered the stiffening form to her sheltering
arms. She had recognized the death-rattle.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 278

                                 Chapter 30

                       THE TRAGEDY OF THE MANOR-HOUSE

   AT midnight all was over, and we sat in the presence of four corpses. We
covered them with such rags as we could find, and started away, fastening
the door behind us. Their home must be these people's grave, for they could
not have Christian burial, or be admitted to consecrated ground. They were
as dogs, wild beasts, lepers, and no soul that valued its hope of eternal
life would throw it away by meddling in any sort with these rebuked and
smitten outcasts.

   We had not moved four steps when I caught a sound as of footsteps upon
gravel. My heart flew to my throat. We must not be seen coming from that
house. I plucked at the king's robe and we drew back and took shelter
behind the corner of the cabin.

   "Now we are safe," I said, "but it was a close call -- mdash; so to
speak. If the night had been lighter he might have seen us, no doubt, he
seemed to be so near."

   "Mayhap it is but a beast and not a man at all."

   "True. But man or beast, it will be wise to stay here a minute and let
it get by and out of the way."

   "Hark! It cometh hither."

   True again. The step was coming toward us -- mdash; straight toward the
hut. It must be a beast, then, and we might as well have saved our
trepidation. I was
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 279

going to step out, but the king laid his hand upon my arm. There was a
moment of silence, then we heard a soft knock on the cabin door. It made me
shiver. Presently the knock was repeated, and then we heard these words in
a guarded voice:

   "Mother! Father! Open -- mdash; we have got free, and we bring news to
pale your cheeks but glad your hearts; and we may not tarry, but must fly!
And -- mdash; but they answer not. Mother! father! -- mdash; "

   I drew the king toward the other end of the hut and whispered:

   "Come -- mdash; now we can get to the road."

   The king hesitated, was going to demur; but just then we heard the door
give way, and knew that those desolate men were in the presence of their
dead.

   "Come, my liege! in a moment they will strike a light, and then will
follow that which it would break your heart to hear."

   He did not hesitate this time. The moment we were in the road I ran; and
after a moment he threw dignity aside and followed. I did not want to think
of what was happening in the hut -- mdash; I couldn't bear it; I wanted to
drive it out of my mind; so I struck into the first subject that lay under
that one in my mind:

   "I have had the disease those people died of, and so have nothing to
fear; but if you have not had it also -- mdash; "

   He broke in upon me to say he was in trouble, and it was his conscience
that was troubling him:

   "These young men have got free, they say -- mdash; but HOW? It is not
likely that their lord hath set them free."

   "Oh, no, I make no doubt they escaped."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 280

   "That is my trouble; I have a fear that this is so, and your suspicion
doth confirm it, you having the same fear.

   "I should not call it by that name though. I do suspect that they
escaped, but if they did, I am not sorry, certainly."

   "I am not sorry, I think -- mdash; but -- mdash; "

   "What is it? What is there for one to be troubled about?"

   "If they did escape, then are we bound in duty to lay hands upon them
and deliver them again to their lord; for it is not seemly that one of his
quality should suffer a so insolent and high-handed outrage from persons of
their base degree."

   There it was again. He could see only one side of it. He was born so,
educated so, his veins were full of ancestral blood that was rotten with
this sort of unconscious brutality, brought down by inheritance from a long
procession of hearts that had each done its share toward poisoning the
stream. To imprison these men without proof, and starve their kindred, was
no harm, for they were merely peasants and subject to the will and pleasure
of their lord, no matter what fearful form it might take; but for these men
to break out of unjust captivity was insult and outrage, and a thing not to
be countenanced by any conscientious person who knew his duty to his sacred
caste.

   I worked more than half an hour before I got him to change the subject
-- mdash; and even then an outside matter did it for me. This was a
something which caught our eyes as we struck the summit of a small hill --
mdash; a red glow, a good way off.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 281

   "That's a fire," said I.

   Fires interested me considerably, because I was getting a good deal of
an insurance business started, and was also training some horses and
building some steam fire-engines, with an eye to a paid fire department by
and by. The priests opposed both my fire and life insurance, on the ground
that it was an insolent attempt to hinder the decrees of God; and if you
pointed out that they did not hinder the decrees in the least, but only
modified the hard consequences of them if you took out policies and had
luck, they retorted that that was gambling against the decrees of God, and
was just as bad. So they managed to damage those industries more or less,
but I got even on my Accident business. As a rule, a knight is a lummox,
and some times even a labrick, and hence open to pretty poor arguments when
they come glibly from a superstition-monger, but even he could see the
practical side of a thing once in a while; and so of late you couldn't
clean up a tournament and pile the result without finding one of my
accident-tickets in every helmet.

   We stood there awhile, in the thick darkness and stillness, looking
toward the red blur in the distance, and trying to make out the meaning of
a far-away murmur that rose and fell fitfully on the night. Sometimes it
swelled up and for a moment seemed less remote; but when we were hopefully
expecting it to betray its cause and nature, it dulled and sank again,
carrying its mystery with it. We started down the hill in its direction,
and the winding road plunged us at once into almost solid darkness --
mdash; darkness that was packed and crammed in between two tall forest
walls.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 282

We groped along down for half a mile, perhaps, that murmur growing more and
more distinct all the time. the coming storm threatening more and more,
with now and then a little shiver of wind, a faint show of lightning, and
dull grumblings of distant thunder. I was in the lead. I ran against
something -- mdash; a soft heavy something which gave, slightly, to the
impulse of my weight; at the same moment the lightning glared out, and
within a foot of my face was the writhing face of a man who was hanging
from the limb of a tree! That is, it seemed to be writhing, but it was not.
It was a grewsome sight. Straightway there was an ear-splitting explosion
of thunder, and the bottom of heaven fell out; the rain poured down in a
deluge. No matter, we must try to cut this man down, on the chance that
there might be life in him yet, mustn't we? The lightning came quick and
sharp now, and the place was alternately noonday and midnight. One moment
the man would be hanging before me in an intense light, and the next he was
blotted out again in the darkness. I told the king we must cut him down.
The king at once objected.

   "If he hanged himself, he was willing to lose him property to his lord;
so let him be. If others hanged him, belike they had the right -- mdash;
let him hang."

   "But -- mdash; "

   "But me no buts, but even leave him as he is. And for yet another
reason. When the lightning cometh again -- mdash; there, look abroad."

   Two others hanging, within fifty yards of us!

   "It is not weather meet for doing useless courtesies unto dead folk.
They are past thanking you. Come -- mdash; it is unprofitable to tarry
here."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 283

   There was reason in what he said, so we moved on. Within the next mile
we counted six more hanging forms by the blaze of the lightning, and
altogether it was a grisly excursion. That murmur was a murmur no longer,
it was a roar; a roar of men's voices. A man came flying by now, dimly
through the darkness, and other men chasing him. They disappeared.
Presently another case of the kind occurred, and then another and another.
Then a sudden turn of the road brought us in sight of that fire -- mdash;
it was a large manor-house, and little or nothing was left of it -- mdash;
and everywhere men were flying and other men raging after them in pursuit.

   I warned the king that this was not a safe place for strangers. We would
better get away from the light, until matters should improve. We stepped
back a little, and hid in the edge of the wood. From this hiding-place we
saw both men and women hunted by the mob. The fearful work went on until
nearly dawn. Then, the fire being out and the storm spent, the voices and
flying footsteps presently ceased, and darkness and stillness reigned
again.

   We ventured out, and hurried cautiously away; and although we were worn
out and sleepy, we kept on until we had put this place some miles behind
us. Then we asked hospitality at the hut of a charcoal burner, and got what
was to be had. A woman was up and about, but the man was still asleep, on a
straw shake-down, on the clay floor. The woman seemed uneasy until I
explained that we were travelers and had lost our way and been wandering in
the woods all night. She became talkative, then, and asked if we had heard
of the terrible goings-on at the manor-
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 284

house of Abblasoure. Yes, we had heard of them, but what we wanted now was
rest and sleep. The king broke in:

   "Sell us the house and take yourselves away, for we be perilous company,
being late come from people that died of the Spotted Death."

   It was good of him, but unnecessary. One of the commonest decorations of
the nation was the waffle-iron face. I had early noticed that the woman and
her husband were both so decorated. She made us entirely welcome, and had
no fears; and plainly she was immensely impressed by the king's
proposition; for, of course, it was a good deal of an event in her life to
run across a person of the king's humble appearance who was ready to buy a
man's house for the sake of a night's lodging. It gave her a large respect
for us, and she strained the lean possibilities of her hovel to the utmost
to make us comfortable.

   We slept till far into the afternoon, and then got up hungry enough to
make cotter fare quite palatable to the king, the more particularly as it
was scant in quantity. And also in variety; it consisted solely of onions,
salt, and the national black bread made out of horse-feed. The woman told
us about the affair of the evening before. At ten or eleven at night, when
everybody was in bed, the manor-house burst into flames. The country-side
swarmed to the rescue, and the family were saved, with one exception, the
master. He did not appear. Everybody was frantic over this loss, and two
brave yeomen sacrificed their lives in ransacking the burning house seeking
that valuable personage. But after a while he was found -- mdash; what was
left of him -- mdash; which was his corpse. It was in
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 285

a copse three hundred yards away, bound, gagged, stabbed in a dozen places.

   Who had done this? Suspicion fell upon a humble family in the
neighborhood who had been lately treated with peculiar harshness by the
baron; and from these people the suspicion easily extended itself to their
relatives and familiars. A suspicion was enough; my lord's liveried
retainers proclaimed an instant crusade against these people, and were
promptly joined by the community in general. The woman's husband had been
active with the mob, and had not returned home until nearly dawn. He was
gone now to find out what the general result had been. While we were still
talking he came back from his quest. His report was revolting enough.
Eighteen persons hanged or butchered, and two yeomen and thirteen prisoners
lost in the fire.

   "And how many prisoners were there altogether in the vaults?"

   "Thirteen."

   "Then every one of them was lost?"

   "Yes, all."

   "But the people arrived in time to save the family; how is it they could
save none of the prisoners?"

   The man looked puzzled, and said:

   "Would one unlock the vaults at such a time? Marry, some would have
escaped."

   "Then you mean that nobody did unlock them?"

   "None went near them, either to lock or unlock. It standeth to reason
that the bolts were fast; wherefore it was only needful to establish a
watch, so that if any broke the bonds he might not escape, but be taken.
None were taken."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 286

   "Natheless, three did escape," said the king, "and ye will do well to
publish it and set justice upon their track, for these murthered the baron
and fired the house."

   I was just expecting he would come out with that. For a moment the man
and his wife showed an eager interest in this news and an impatience to go
out and spread it; then a sudden something else betrayed itself in their
faces, and they began to ask questions. I answered the questions myself,
and narrowly watched the effects produced. I was soon satisfied that the
knowledge of who these three prisoners were had somehow changed the
atmosphere; that our hosts' continued eagerness to go and spread the news
was now only pretended and not real. The king did not notice the change,
and I was glad of that. I worked the conversation around toward other
details of the night's proceedings, and noted that these people were
relieved to have it take that direction.

   The painful thing observable about all this business was the alacrity
with which this oppressed community had turned their cruel hands against
their own class in the interest of the common oppressor. This man and woman
seemed to feel that in a quarrel between a person of their own class and
his lord, it was the natural and proper and rightful thing for that poor
devil's whole caste to side with the master and fight his battle for him,
without ever stopping to inquire into the rights or wrongs of the matter.
This man had been out helping to hang his neighbors, and had done his work
with zeal, and yet was aware that there was nothing against them but a mere
suspicion, with nothing back of it describable as evidence, still neither
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 287

he nor his wife seemed to see anything horrible about it.

   This was depressing -- mdash; to a man with the dream of a republic in
his head. It reminded me of a time thirteen centuries away, when the "poor
whites" of our South who were always despised and frequently insulted by
the slave-lords around them, and who owed their base condition simply to
the presence of slavery in their midst, were yet pusillanimously ready to
side with the slave-lords in all political moves for the upholding and
perpetuating of slavery, and did also finally shoulder their muskets and
pour out their lives in an effort to prevent the destruction of that very
institution which degraded them. And there was only one redeeming feature
connected with that pitiful piece of history; and that was, that secretly
the "poor white" did detest the slave-lord, and did feel his own shame.
That feeling was not brought to the surface, but the fact that it was there
and could have been brought out, under favoring circumstances, was
something -- mdash; in fact, it was enough; for it showed that a man is at
bottom a man, after all, even if it doesn't show on the outside.

   Well, as it turned out, this charcoal burner was just the twin of the
Southern "poor white" of the far future. The king presently showed
impatience, and said:

   "An ye prattle here all the day, justice will miscarry. Think ye the
criminals will abide in their father's house? They are fleeing, they are
not waiting. You should look to it that a party of horse be set upon their
track."

   The woman paled slightly, but quite perceptibly, and the man looked
flustered and irresolute. I said:
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 288

   "Come, friend, I will walk a little way with you, and explain which
direction I think they would try to take. If they were merely resisters of
the gabelle or some kindred absurdity I would try to protect them from
capture; but when men murder a person of high degree and likewise burn his
house, that is another matter."

   The last remark was for the king -- mdash; to quiet him. On the road the
man pulled his resolution together, and began the march with a steady gait,
but there was no eagerness in it. By and by I said:

   "What relation were these men to you -- mdash; cousins?"

   He turned as white as his layer of charcoal would let him, and stopped,
trembling.

   "Ah, my God, how know ye that?"

   "I didn't know it; it was a chance guess."

   "Poor lads, they are lost. And good lads they were, too."

   "Were you actually going yonder to tell on them?"

   He didn't quite know how to take that; but he said, hesitatingly:

   "Ye-s."

   "Then I think you are a damned scoundrel!"

   It made him as glad as if I had called him an angel.

   "Say the good words again, brother! for surely ye mean that ye would not
betray me an I failed of my duty."

   "Duty? There is no duty in the matter, except the duty to keep still and
let those men get away. They've done a righteous deed."

   He looked pleased; pleased, and touched with apprehension at the same
time. He looked up and
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 289

down the road to see that no one was coming, and then said in a cautious
voice:

   "From what land come you, brother, that you speak such perilous words,
and seem not to be afraid?"

   "They are not perilous words when spoken to one of my own caste, I take
it. You would not tell anybody I said them?"

   "I? I would be drawn asunder by wild horses first."

   "Well, then, let me say my say. I have no fears of your repeating it. I
think devil's work has been done last night upon those innocent poor
people. That old baron got only what he deserved. If I had my way. all his
kind should have the same luck."

   Fear and depression vanished from the man's manner, and gratefulness and
a brave animation took their place:

   "Even though you be a spy, and your words a trap for my undoing, yet are
they such refreshment that to hear them again and others like to them, I
would go to the gallows happy, as having had one good feast at least in a
starved life. And I will say my say now, and ye may report it if ye be so
minded. I helped to hang my neighbors for that it were peril to my own life
to show lack of zeal in the master's cause; the others helped for none
other reason. All rejoice today that he is dead, but all do go about
seemingly sorrowing, and shedding the hypocrite's tear, for in that lies
safety. I have said the words, I have said the words! the only ones that
have ever tasted good in my mouth, and the reward of that taste is
sufficient. Lead on, an ye will, be it even to the scaffold, for I am
ready."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 290

   There it was, you see. A man is a man, at bottom. Whole ages of abuse
and oppression cannot crush the manhood clear out of him. Whoever thinks it
a mistake is himself mistaken. Yes, there is plenty good enough material
for a republic in the most degraded people that ever existed -- mdash; even
the Russians; plenty of manhood in them -- mdash; even in the Germans --
mdash; if one could but force it out of its timid and suspicious privacy,
to overthrow and trample in the mud any throne that ever was set up and any
nobility that ever supported it. We should see certain things yet, let us
hope and believe. First, a modified monarchy, till Arthur's days were done,
then the destruction of the throne, nobility abolished, every member of it
bound out to some useful trade, universal suffrage instituted, and the
whole government placed in the hands of the men and women of the nation
there to remain. Yes, there was no occasion to give up my dream yet a
while.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 291

                                 Chapter 31

                                   MARCO

   WE strolled along in a sufficiently indolent fashion now, and talked. We
must dispose of about the amount of time it ought to take to go to the
little hamlet of Abblasoure and put justice on the track of those murderers
and get back home again. And meantime I had an auxiliary interest which had
never paled yet, never lost its novelty for me since I had been in Arthur's
kingdom: the behavior -- mdash; born of nice and exact subdivisions of
caste -- mdash; of chance passers-by toward each other. Toward the shaven
monk who trudged along with his cowl tilted back and the sweat washing down
his fat jowls, the coal-burner was deeply reverent; to the gentleman he was
abject; with the small farmer and the free mechanic he was cordial and
gossipy; and when a slave passed by with a countenance respectfully
lowered, this chap's nose was in the air -- mdash; he couldn't even see
him. Well, there are times when one would like to hang the whole human race
and finish the farce.

   Presently we struck an incident. A small mob of half-naked boys and
girls came tearing out of the woods, scared and shrieking. The eldest among
them were not more than twelve or fourteen years old. They implored help,
but they were so beside themselves
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 292

that we couldn't make out what the matter was. However, we plunged into the
wood, they skurrying in the lead, and the trouble was quickly revealed:
they had hanged a little fellow with a bark rope, and he was kicking and
struggling, in the process of choking to death. We rescued him, and fetched
him around. It was some more human nature; the admiring little folk
imitating their elders; they were playing mob, and had achieved a success
which promised to be a good deal more serious than they had bargained for.

   It was not a dull excursion for me. I managed to put in the time very
well. I made various acquaintanceships, and in my quality of stranger was
able to ask as many questions as I wanted to. A thing which naturally
interested me, as a statesman, was the matter of wages. I picked up what I
could under that head during the afternoon. A man who hasn't had much
experience, and doesn't think, is apt to measure a nation's prosperity or
lack of prosperity by the mere size of the prevailing wages; if the wages
be high, the nation is prosperous; if low, it isn't. Which is an error. It
isn't what sum you get, it's how much you can buy with it, that's the
important thing; and it's that that tells whether your wages are high in
fact or only high in name. I could remember how it was in the time of our
great civil war in the nineteenth century. In the North a carpenter got
three dollars a day, gold valuation; in the South he got fifty -- mdash;
payable in Confederate shinplasters worth a dollar a bushel. In the North a
suit of overalls cost three dollars -- mdash; a day's wages; in the South
it cost seventy-five -- mdash; which was two days' wages. Other things were
in proportion.
                                  [Image]

                      `To the gentleman he was abject"

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 293

Consequently, wages were twice as high in the North as they were in the
South, because the one wage had that much more purchasing power than the
other had.

   Yes, I made various acquaintances in the hamlet and a thing that
gratified me a good deal was to find our new coins in circulation -- mdash;
lots of milrays, lots of mills, lots of cents, a good many nickels, and
some silver; all this among the artisans and commonalty generally; yes, and
even some gold -- mdash; but that was at the bank, that is to say, the
goldsmith's. I dropped in there while Marco, the son of Marco, was haggling
with a shopkeeper over a quarter of a pound of salt, and asked for change
for a twenty-dollar gold piece. They furnished it -- mdash; that is, after
they had chewed the piece, and rung it on the counter, and tried acid on
it, and asked me where I got it, and who I was, and where I was from, and
where I was going to, and when I expected to get there, and perhaps a
couple of hundred more questions; and when they got aground, I went right
on and furnished them a lot of information voluntarily; told them I owned a
dog, and his name was Watch, and my first wife was a Free Will Baptist, and
her grandfather was a Prohibitionist, and I used to know a man who had two
thumbs on each hand and a wart on the inside of his upper lip, and died in
the hope of a glorious resurrection, and so on, and so on, and so on, till
even that hungry village questioner began to look satisfied, and also a
shade put out; but he had to respect a man of my financial strength, and so
he didn't give me any lip, but I noticed he took it out of his underlings,
which was a perfectly natural thing to do. Yes, they changed my twenty, but
I judged
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 294

it strained the bank a little, which was a thing to be expected, for it was
the same as walking into a paltry village store in the nineteenth century
and requiring the boss of it to change a two thousand-dollar bill for you
all of a sudden. He could do it, maybe; but at the same time he would
wonder how a small farmer happened to be carrying so much money around in
his pocket; which was probably this goldsmith's thought, too; for he
followed me to the door and stood there gazing after me with reverent
admiration.

   Our new money was not only handsomely circulating, but its language was
already glibly in use; that is to say, people had dropped the names of the
former moneys, and spoke of things as being worth so many dollars or cents
or mills or milrays now. It was very gratifying. We were progressing, that
was sure.

   I got to know several master mechanics, but about the most interesting
fellow among them was the blacksmith, Dowley. He was a live man and a brisk
talker, and had two journeymen and three apprentices, and was doing a
raging business. In fact, he was getting rich, hand over fist, and was
vastly respected. Marco was very proud of having such a man for a friend.
He had taken me there ostensibly to let me see the big establishment which
bought so much of his charcoal, but really to let me see what easy and
almost familiar terms he was on with this great man. Dowley and I
fraternized at once; I had had just such picked men, splendid fellows,
under me in the Colt Arms Factory. I was bound to see more of him, so I
invited him to come out to Marco's Sunday, and dine with us. Marco was
appalled, and held his breath; and when the grandee accepted, he was so
grateful
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 295

that he almost forgot to be astonished at the condescension.

   Marco's joy was exuberant -- mdash; but only for a moment; then he grew
thoughtful, then sad; and when he heard me tell Dowley I should have
Dickon, the boss mason, and Smug, the boss wheelwright, out there, too, the
coal-dust on his face turned to chalk, and he lost his grip. But I knew
what was the matter with him; it was the expense. He saw ruin before him;
he judged that his financial days were numbered. However, on our way to
invite the others, I said:

   "You must allow me to have these friends come; and you must also allow
me to pay the costs."

   His face cleared, and he said with spirit:

   "But not all of it, not all of it. Ye cannot well bear a burden like to
this alone."

   I stopped him, and said:

   "Now let's understand each other on the spot, old friend. I am only a
farm bailiff, it is true; but I am not poor, nevertheless. I have been very
fortunate this year -- mdash; you would be astonished to know how I have
thriven. I tell you the honest truth when I say I could squander away as
many as a dozen feasts like this and never care that for the expense!" and
I snapped my fingers. I could see myself rise a foot at a time in Marco's
estimation, and when I fetched out those last words I was become a very
tower for style and altitude. "So you see, you must let me have my way. You
can't contribute a cent to this orgy, that's settled."

   "It's grand and good of you -- mdash; "

   "No, it isn't. You've opened your house to Jones
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 296

and me in the most generous way; Jones was remarking upon it to-day, just
before you came back from the village; for although he wouldn't be likely
to say such a thing to you -- mdash; because Jones isn't a talker, and is
diffident in society -- mdash; he has a good heart and a grateful, and
knows how to appreciate it when he is well treated; yes, you and your wife
have been very hospitable toward us -- mdash; "

   "Ah, brother, 'tis nothing -- mdash; such hospitality!"

   "But it is something; the best a man has, freely given, is always
something, and is as good as a prince can do, and ranks right along beside
it -- mdash; for even a prince can but do his best. And so we'll shop
around and get up this layout now, and don't you worry about the expense.
I'm one of the worst spendthrifts that ever was born. Why, do you know,
sometimes in a single week I spend -- mdash; but never mind about that --
mdash; you'd never believe it anyway."

   And so we went gadding along, dropping in here and there, pricing
things, and gossiping with the shopkeepers about the riot, and now and then
running across pathetic reminders of it, in the persons of shunned and
tearful and houseless remnants of families whose homes had been taken from
them and their parents butchered or hanged. The raiment of Marco and his
wife was of coarse tow-linen and linsey-woolsey respectively, and resembled
township maps, it being made up pretty exclusively of patches which had
been added, township by township, in the course of five or six years, until
hardly a hand's-breadth of the original garments was surviving and present.
Now I wanted to fit these people out with new suits, on account of that
swell company, and I didn't know
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 297

just how to get at it -- mdash; with delicacy, until at last it struck me
that as I had already been liberal in inventing wordy gratitude for the
king, it would be just the thing to back it up with evidence of a
substantial sort; so I said:

   "And Marco, there's another thing which you must permit -- mdash; out of
kindness for Jones -- mdash; because you wouldn't want to offend him. He
was very anxious to testify his appreciation in some way, but he is so
diffident he couldn't venture it himself, and so he begged me to buy some
little things and give them to you and Dame Phyllis and let him pay for
them without your ever knowing they came from him -- mdash; you know how a
delicate person feels about that sort of thing -- mdash; and so I said I
would, and we would keep mum. Well, his idea was, a new outfit of clothes
for you both -- mdash; "

   "Oh, it is wastefulness! It may not be, brother, it may not be. Consider
the vastness of the sum -- mdash; "

   "Hang the vastness of the sum! Try to keep quiet for a moment, and see
how it would seem; a body can't get in a word edgeways, you talk so much.
You ought to cure that, Marco; it isn't good form, you know, and it will
grow on you if you don't check it. Yes, we'll step in here now and price
this man's stuff -- mdash; and don't forget to remember to not let on to
Jones that you know he had anything to do with it. You can't think how
curiously sensitive and proud he is. He's a farmer -- mdash; pretty fairly
well-to-do farmer -- mdash; an I'm his bailiff; but -- mdash; the
imagination of that man! Why, sometimes when he forgets himself and gets to
blowing off, you'd think he was one of the swells of the earth; and you
might listen to him a hundred
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 298

years and never take him for a farmer -- mdash; especially if he talked
agriculture. He thinks he's a Sheol of a farmer; thinks he's old Grayback
from Wayback; but between you and me privately he don't know as much about
farming as he does about running a kingdom -- mdash; still, whatever he
talks about, you want to drop your underjaw and listen, the same as if you
had never heard such incredible wisdom in all your life before, and were
afraid you might die before you got enough of it. That will please Jones."

   It tickled Marco to the marrow to hear about such an odd character; but
it also prepared him for accidents; and in my experience when you travel
with a king who is letting on to be something else and can't remember it
more than about half the time, you can't take too many precautions.

   This was the best store we had come across yet; it had everything in it,
in small quantities, from anvils and drygoods all the way down to fish and
pinch-beck jewelry. I concluded I would bunch my whole invoice right here,
and not go pricing around any more. So I got rid of Marco, by sending him
off to invite the mason and the wheelwright, which left the field free to
me. For I never care to do a thing in a quiet way; it's got to be
theatrical or I don't take any interest in it. I showed up money enough, in
a careless way, to corral the shopkeeper's respect, and then I wrote down a
list of the things I wanted, and handed it to him to see if he could read
it. He could, and was proud to show that he could. He said he had been
educated by a priest, and could both read and write. He ran it through, and
remarked with satisfaction that it was a pretty heavy bill. Well, and
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 299

so it was, for a little concern like that. I was not only providing a swell
dinner, but some odds and ends of extras. I ordered that the things be
carted out and delivered at the dwelling of Marco, the son of Marco, by
Saturday evening, and send me the bill at dinner-time Sunday. He said I
could depend upon his promptness and exactitude, it was the rule of the
house. He also observed that he would throw in a couple of miller-guns for
the Marcos gratis -- mdash; that everybody was using them now. He had a
mighty opinion of that clever device. I said:

   "And please fill them up to the middle mark, too; and add that to the
bill."

   He would, with pleasure. He filled them, and I took them with me. I
couldn't venture to tell him that the miller-gun was a little invention of
my own, and that I had officially ordered that every shopkeeper in the
kingdom keep them on hand and sell them at government price -- mdash; which
was the merest trifle, and the shopkeeper got that, not the government. We
furnished them for nothing.

   The king had hardly missed us when we got back at nightfall. He had
early dropped again into his dream of a grand invasion of Gaul with the
whole strength of his kingdom at his back, and the afternoon had slipped
away without his ever coming to himself again.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 300

                                 Chapter 32

                            DOWLEY'S HUMILIATION

   WELL, when that cargo arrived toward sunset, Saturday afternoon, I had
my hands full to keep the Marcos from fainting. They were sure Jones and I
were ruined past help, and they blamed themselves as accessories to this
bankruptcy. You see, in addition to the dinner-materials, which called for
a sufficiently round sum, I had bought a lot of extras for the future
comfort of the family: for instance, a big lot of wheat, a delicacy as rare
to the tables of their class as was ice-cream to a hermit's; also a
sizeable deal dinner-table; also two entire pounds of salt, which was
another piece of extravagance in those people's eyes; also crockery,
stools, the clothes, a small cask of beer, and so on. I instructed the
Marcos to keep quiet about this sumptuousness, so as to give me a chance to
surprise the guests and show off a little. Concerning the new clothes, the
simple couple were like children; they were up and down, all night, to see
if it wasn't nearly daylight, so that they could put them on, and they were
into them at last as much as an hour before dawn was due. Then their
pleasure -- mdash; not to say delirium -- mdash; was so fresh and novel and
inspiring that the sight of it paid me well for the interruptions which my
sleep had suffered. The king had slept just as
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 301

usual -- mdash; like the dead. The Marcos could not thank him for their
clothes, that being forbidden; but they tried every way they could think of
to make him see how grateful they were. Which all went for nothing: he
didn't notice any change.

   It turned out to be one of those rich and rare fall days which is just a
June day toned down to a degree where it is heaven to be out of doors.
Toward noon the guests arrived, and we assembled under a great tree and
were soon as sociable as old acquaintances. Even the king's reserve melted
a little, though it was some little trouble to him to adjust himself to the
name of Jones along at first. I had asked him to try to not forget that he
was a farmer; but I had also considered it prudent to ask him to let the
thing stand at that, and not elaborate it any. Because he was just the kind
of person you could depend on to spoil a little thing like that if you
didn't warn him, his tongue was so handy, and his spirit so willing, and
his information so uncertain.

   Dowley was in fine feather, and I early got him started, and then
adroitly worked him around onto his own history for a text and himself for
a hero, and then it was good to sit there and hear him hum. Self-made man,
you know. They know how to talk. They do deserve more credit than any other
breed of men, yes, that is true; and they are among the very first to find
it out, too. He told how he had begun life an orphan lad without money and
without friends able to help him; how he had lived as the slaves of the
meanest master lived; how his day's work was from sixteen to eighteen hours
long, and yielded him only enough black bread to keep him in a half-fed
condition;
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 302

how his faithful endeavors finally attracted the attention of a good
blacksmith, who came near knocking him dead with kindness by suddenly
offering, when he was totally unprepared, to take him as his bound
apprentice for nine years and give him board and clothes and teach him the
trade -- mdash; or "mystery" as Dowley called it. That was his first great
rise, his first gorgeous stroke of fortune; and you saw that he couldn't
yet speak of it without a sort of eloquent wonder and delight that such a
gilded promotion should have fallen to the lot of a common human being. He
got no new clothing during his apprenticeship, but on his graduation day
his master tricked him out in spang-new tow-linens and made him feel
unspeakably rich and fine.

   "I remember me of that day!" the wheelwright sang out, with enthusiasm.

   "And I likewise!" cried the mason. "I would not believe they were thine
own; in faith I could not."

   "Nor other!" shouted Dowley, with sparkling eyes. "I was like to lose my
character, the neighbors wending I had mayhap been stealing. It was a great
day, a great day; one forgetteth not days like that."

   Yes, and his master was a fine man, and prosperous, and always had a
great feast of meat twice in the year, and with it white bread, true
wheaten bread; in fact, lived like a lord, so to speak. And in time Dowley
succeeded to the business and married the daughter.

   "And now consider what is come to pass," said he, impressively. "Two
times in every month there is fresh meat upon my table." He made a pause
here,
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 303

to let that fact sink home, then added -- mdash; "and eight times salt
meat."

   "It is even true," said the wheelwright, with bated breath.

   "I know it of mine own knowledge," said the mason, in the same reverent
fashion.

   "On my table appeareth white bread every Sunday in the year," added the
master smith, with solemnity. "I leave it to your own consciences, friends,
if this is not also true?"

   "By my head, yes," cried the mason.

   "I can testify it -- mdash; and I do," said the wheelwright.

   "And as to furniture, ye shall say yourselves what mine equipment is. "
He waved his hand in fine gesture of granting frank and unhampered freedom
of speech, and added: "Speak as ye are moved; speak as ye would speak; an I
were not here."

   "Ye have five stools, and of the sweetest workmanship at that, albeit
your family is but three," said the wheelwright, with deep respect.

   "And six wooden goblets, and six platters of wood and two of pewter to
cat and drink from withal," said the mason, impressively. "And I say it as
knowing God is my judge, and we tarry not here alway, but must answer at
the last day for the things said in the body, be they false or be they
sooth."

   "Now ye know what manner of man I am, brother Jones," said the smith,
with a fine and friendly condescension, "and doubtless ye would look to
find me a man jealous of his due of respect and but sparing of outgo to
strangers till their rating and quality be assured, but trouble yourself
not, as concerning that; wit ye well ye shall find me a man that regardeth
not these
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 304

matters but is willing to receive any he as his fellow and equal that
carrieth a right heart in his body, be his worldly estate howsoever modest.
And in token of it, here is my hand; and I say with my own mouth we are
equals -- mdash; equals " -- mdash; and he smiled around on the company
with the satisfaction of a god who is doing the handsome and gracious thing
and is quite well aware of it.

   The king took the hand with a poorly disguised reluctance, and let go of
it as willingly as a lady lets go of a fish; all of which had a good
effect, for it was mistaken for an embarrassment natural to one who was
being called upon by greatness.

   The dame brought out the table now, and set it under the tree. It caused
a visible stir of surprise, it being brand new and a sumptuous article of
deal. But the surprise rose higher still when the dame, with a body oozing
easy indifference at every pore, but eyes that gave it all away by
absolutely flaming with vanity, slowly unfolded an actual simon-pure
tablecloth and spread it. That was a notch above even the blacksmith's
domestic grandeurs, and it hit him hard; you could see it. But Marco was in
Paradise; you could see that, too. Then the dame brought two fine new
stools -- mdash; whew! that was a sensation; it was visible in the eyes of
every guest. Then she brought two more -- mdash; as calmly as she could.
Sensation again -- mdash; with awed murmurs. Again she brought two --
mdash; walking on air, she was so proud. The guests were petrified, and the
mason muttered:

   "There is that about earthly pomps which doth ever move to reverence."

   As the dame turned away, Marco couldn't help
                                  [Image]

                                 The feast

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 305

slapping on the climax while the thing was hot; so he said with what was
meant for a languid composure but was a poor imitation of it:

   "These suffice; leave the rest."

   So there were more yet! It was a fine effect. I couldn't have played the
hand better myself.

   From this out, the madam piled up the surprises with a rush that fired
the general astonishment up to a hundred and fifty in the shade, and at the
same time paralyzed expression of it down to gasped "Oh's" and "Ah's," and
mute upliftings of hands and eyes. She fetched crockery -- mdash; new, and
plenty of it; new wooden goblets and other table furniture; and beer, fish,
chicken, a goose, eggs, roast beef, roast mutton, a ham, a small roast pig,
and a wealth of genuine white wheaten bread. Take it by and large, that
spread laid everything far and away in the shade that ever that crowd had
seen before. And while they sat there just simply stupefied with wonder and
awe, I sort of waved my hand as if by accident, and the storekeeper's son
emerged from space and said he had come to collect.

   "That's all right," I said, indifferently. "What is the amount? give us
the items."

   Then he read off this bill, while those three amazed men listened, and
serene waves of satisfaction rolled over my soul and alternate waves of
terror and admiration surged over Marco's:
*2 pounds salt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 200
*8 dozen pints beer, in the wood . . . . . 800
*3 bushels wheat . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2,700
*2 pounds fish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 100
*3 hens . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 400
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 306

*1 goose . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 400
*3 dozen eggs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 150
*1 roast of beef . . . . . . . . . . . . . 450
*1 roast of mutton . . . . . . . . . . . . 400
*1 ham . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 800
*1 sucking pig . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 500
*2 crockery dinner sets . . . . . . . . . 6,000
*2 men's suits and underwear . . . . . . . 2,800
*1 stuff and 1 linsey-woolsey gown and underwear 1,600
*8 wooden goblets . . . . . . . . . . . . 800
*Various table furniture . . . . . . . . .10,000
*1 deal table . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3,000
*8 stools . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4,000
*2 miller guns, loaded . . . . . . . . . . 3,000

   He ceased. There was a pale and awful silence. Not a limb stirred. Not a
nostril betrayed the passage of breath.

   "Is that all?" I asked, in a voice of the most perfect calmness.

   "All, fair sir, save that certain matters of light moment are placed
together under a head hight sundries. If it would like you, I will sepa --
mdash; "

   "It is of no consequence," I said, accompanying the words with a gesture
of the most utter indifference; "give me the grand total, please."

   The clerk leaned against the tree to stay himself, and said:

   "Thirty-nine thousand one hundred and fifty milrays!"

   The wheelwright fell off his stool, the others grabbed the table to save
themselves, and there was a deep and general ejaculation of:

   "God be with us in the day of disaster!"
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 307

   The clerk hastened to say:

   "My father chargeth me to say he cannot honorably require you to pay it
all at this time, and therefore only prayeth you -- mdash; "

   I paid no more heed than if it were the idle breeze, but, with an air of
indifference amounting almost to weariness, got out my money and tossed
four dollars on to the table. Ah, you should have seen them stare!

   The clerk was astonished and charmed. He asked me to retain one of the
dollars as security, until he could go to town and -- mdash; I interrupted:

   "What, and fetch back nine cents? Nonsense! Take the whole. Keep the
change."

   There was an amazed murmur to this effect:

   "Verily this being is made of money! He throweth it away even as if it
were dirt."

   The blacksmith was a crushed man.

   The clerk took his money and reeled away drunk with fortune. I said to
Marco and his wife:

   "Good folk, here is a little trifle for you" -- mdash; handing the
miller-guns as if it were a matter of no consequence, though each of them
contained fifteen cents in solid cash; and while the poor creatures went to
pieces with astonishment and gratitude, I turned to the others and said as
calmly as one would ask the time of day:

   "Well, if we are all ready, I judge the dinner is. Come, fall to."

   Ah, well, it was immense; yes, it was a daisy. I don't know that I ever
put a situation together better, or got happier spectacular effects out of
the materials available. The blacksmith -- mdash; well, he was simply
mashed. Land! I wouldn't have felt what that man
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 308

was feeling, for anything in the world. Here he had been blowing and
bragging about his grand meat-feast twice a year, and his fresh meat twice
a month, and his salt meat twice a week, and his white bread every Sunday
the year round -- mdash; all for a family of three; the entire cost for the
year not above 69.2.6 (sixty-nine cents, two mills and six milrays), and
all of a sudden here comes along a man who slashes out nearly four dollars
on a single blow-out; and not only that, but acts as if it made him tired
to handle such small sums. Yes, Dowley was a good deal wilted, and
shrunk-up and collapsed; he had the aspect of a bladder-balloon that's been
stepped on by a cow.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 309

                                 Chapter 33

                      SIXTH CENTURY POLITICAL ECONOMY

   HOWEVER, I made a dead set at him, and before the first third of the
dinner was reached, I had him happy again. It was easy to do -- mdash; in a
country of ranks and castes. You see, in a country where they have ranks
and castes, a man isn't ever a man, he is only part of a man, he can't ever
get his full growth. You prove your superiority over him in station, or
rank, or fortune, and that's the end of it -- mdash; he knuckles down. You
can't insult him after that. No, I don't mean quite that; of course you can
insult him, I only mean it's difficult; and so, unless you've got a lot of
useless time on your hands it doesn't pay to try. I had the smith's
reverence now, because I was apparently immensely prosperous and rich; I
could have had his adoration if I had had some little gimcrack title of
nobility. And not only his, but any commoner's in the land, though he were
the mightiest production of all the ages, in intellect, worth, and
character, and I bankrupt in all three. This was to remain so, as long as
England should exist in the earth. With the spirit of prophecy upon me, I
could look into the future and see her erect statues and monuments to her
unspeakable Georges and other royal and noble clothes-horses, and leave
unhonored the creators of
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 310

this world -- mdash; after God -- mdash; Gutenburg, Watt, Arkwright,
Whitney, Morse, Stephenson, Bell.

   The king got his cargo aboard, and then, the talk not turning upon
battle, conquest, or iron-clad duel, he dulled down to drowsiness and went
off to take a nap. Mrs. Marco cleared the table, placed the beer keg handy,
and went away to eat her dinner of leavings in humble privacy, and the rest
of us soon drifted into matters near and dear to the hearts of our sort --
mdash; business and wages, of course. At a first glance, things appeared to
be exceeding prosperous in this little tributary kingdom -- mdash; whose
lord was King Bagdemagus -- mdash; as compared with the state of things in
my own region. They had the "protection" system in full force here, whereas
we were working along down toward free-trade, by easy stages, and were now
about half way. Before long, Dowley and I were doing all the talking, the
others hungrily listening. Dowley warmed to his work, snuffed an advantage
in the air, and began to put questions which he considered pretty awkward
ones for me, and they did have something of that look:

   "In your country, brother, what is the wage of a master bailiff, master
hind, carter, shepherd, swineherd?"

   "Twenty-five milrays a day; that is to say, a quarter of a cent.

   The smith's face beamed with joy. He said:
                                  [Image]

                            I am for protection!

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 311

   "With us they are allowed the double of it! And what may a mechanic get
-- mdash; carpenter, dauber, mason, painter, blacksmith, wheelwright, and
the like?"

   "On the average, fifty milrays; half a cent a day."

   "Ho-ho! With us they are allowed a hundred! With us any good mechanic is
allowed a cent a day! I count out the tailor, but not the others -- mdash;
they are all allowed a cent a day, and in driving times they get more --
mdash; yes, up to a hundred and ten and even fifteen milrays a day. I've
paid a hundred and fifteen myself, within the week. 'Rah for protection --
mdash; to Sheol with free-trade!"

   And his face shone upon the company like a sunburst. But I didn't scare
at all. I rigged up my pile-driver, and allowed myself fifteen minutes to
drive him into the earth -- mdash; drive him all in -- mdash; drive him in
till not even the curve of his skull should show above ground. Here is the
way I started in on him. I asked:

   "What do you pay a pound for salt?"

   "A hundred milrays."

   "We pay forty. What do you pay for beef and mutton -- mdash; when you
buy it?" That was a neat hit; it made the color come.

   "It varieth somewhat, but not much; one may say 75 milrays the pound."

   "We pay 33. What do you pay for eggs?"

   "Fifty milrays the dozen."

   "We pay 20. What do you pay for beer?"

   "It costeth us 8 1/2 milrays the pint."

   "We get it for 4; 25 bottles for a cent. What do you pay for wheat?"

   "At the rate of 900 milrays the bushel."

   "We pay 400. What do you pay for a man's tow-linen suit?"

   "Thirteen cents."

   "We pay 6. What do you pay for a stuff gown for the wife of the laborer
or the mechanic?"

   "We pay 8.4.0."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 312

   "Well, observe the difference: you pay eight cents and four mills, we
pay only four cents." I prepared now to sock it to him. l said: "Look here,
dear friend, what's become of your high wages you were bragging so about a
few minutes ago?" -- mdash; and I looked around on the company with placid
satisfaction, for I had slipped up on him gradually and tied him hand and
foot, you see, without his ever noticing that he was being tied at all.
"What's become of those noble high wages of yours? -- mdash; I seem to have
knocked the stuffing all out of them, it appears to me."

   But if you will believe me, he merely looked surprised, that is all! he
didn't grasp the situation at all, didn't know he had walked into a trap,
didn't discover that he was in a trap. I could have shot him, from sheer
vexation. With cloudy eye and a struggling intellect he fetched this out:

   "Marry, I seem not to understand. It is proved that our wages be double
thine; how then may it be that thou'st knocked therefrom the stuffing? --
mdash; an miscall not the wonderly word, this being the first time under
grace and providence of God it hath been granted me to hear it."

   Well, I was stunned; partly with this unlooked-for stupidity on his
part, and partly because his fellows so manifestly sided with him and were
of his mind -- mdash; if you might call it mind. My position was simple
enough, plain enough; how could it ever be simplified more? However, I must
try:

   "Why, look here, brother Dowley, don't you see? Your wages are merely
higher than ours in name, not in fact."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 313

   "Hear him! They are the double -- mdash; ye have confessed it yourself."

   "Yes-yes, I don't deny that at all. But that's got nothing to do with
it; the amount of the wages in mere coins, with meaningless names attached
to them to know them by, has got nothing to do with it. The thing is, how
much can you buy with your wages? -- mdash; that's the idea. While it is
true that with you a good mechanic is allowed about three dollars and a
half a year, and with us only about a dollar and seventy-five -- mdash; "

   "There -- mdash; ye're confessing it again, ye're confessing it again!"

   "Confound it, I've never denied it, I tell you! What I say is this. With
us half a dollar buys more than a dollar buys with you -- mdash; and
therefore it stands to reason and the commonest kind of common-sense, that
our wages are higher than yours."

   He looked dazed, and said, despairingly:

   "Verily, I cannot make it out. Ye've just said ours are the higher, and
with the same breath ye take it back."

   "Oh, great Scott, isn't it possible to get such a simple thing through
your head? Now look here -- mdash; let me illustrate. We pay four cents for
a woman's stuff gown, you pay 8.4.0, which is four mills more than double.
What do you allow a laboring woman who works on a farm?"

   "Two mills a day."

   "Very good; we allow but half as much; we pay her only a tenth of a cent
a day; and -- mdash; "

   "Again ye're conf -- mdash; "

   "Wait! Now, you see, the thing is very simple;
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 314

this time you'll understand it. For instance, it takes your woman 42 days
to earn her gown, at 2 mills a day -- mdash; 7 weeks' work; but ours earns
hers in forty days -- mdash; two days short of 7 weeks. Your woman has a
gown, and her whole seven weeks wages are gone; ours has a gown, and two
days' wages left, to buy something else with. There -- mdash; now you
understand it!"

   He looked -- mdash; well, he merely looked dubious, it's the most I can
say; so did the others. I waited -- mdash; to let the thing work. Dowley
spoke at last -- mdash; and betrayed the fact that he actually hadn't
gotten away from his rooted and grounded superstitions yet. He said, with a
trifle of hesitancy:

   "But -- mdash; but -- mdash; ye cannot fail to grant that two mills a
day is better than one."

   Shucks! Well, of course, I hated to give it up. So I chanced another
flyer:

   "Let us suppose a case. Suppose one of your journeymen goes out and buys
the following articles:
*"1 pound of salt;
*1 dozen eggs;
*1 dozen pints of beer;
*1 bushel of wheat;
*1 tow-linen suit;
*5 pounds of beef;
*5 pounds of mutton.

   "The lot will cost him 32 cents. It takes him 32 working days to earn
the money -- mdash; 5 weeks and 2 days. Let him come to us and work 32 days
at half the wages; he can buy all those things for a shade under 14 1/2
cents; they will cost him a shade under 29 days' work, and he will have
about half a week's wages over. Carry it through the year; he would save
nearly
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 315

a week's wages every two months, your man nothing; thus saving five or six
weeks' wages in a year, your man not a cent. now I reckon you understand
that 'high wages' and 'low wages' are phrases that don't mean anything in
the world until you find out which of them will buy the most!"

   It was a crusher.

   But, alas! it didn't crush. No, I had to give it up. What those people
valued was high wages; it didn't seem to be a matter of any consequence to
them whether the high wages would buy anything or not. They stood for
"protection," and swore by it, which was reasonable enough, because
interested parties had gulled them into the notion that it was protection
which had created their high wages. I proved to them that in a quarter of a
century their wages had advanced but 30 per cent., while the cost of living
had gone up 100; and that with us, in a shorter time, wages had advanced 40
per cent. while the cost of living had gone steadily down. But it didn't do
any good. Nothing could unseat their strange beliefs.

   Well, I was smarting under a sense of defeat. Undeserved defeat, but
what of that? That didn't soften the smart any. And to think of the
circumstances! the first statesman of the age, the capablest man, the
best-informed man in the entire world, the loftiest uncrowned head that had
moved through the clouds of any political firmament for centuries, sitting
here apparently defeated in argument by an ignorant country blacksmith! And
I could see that those others were sorry for me -- mdash; which made me
blush till I could smell my whiskers scorching. Put yourself in my place;
feel as mean as I did, as ashamed as I felt -- mdash;
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 316

wouldn't you have struck below the belt to get even? Yes, you would; it is
simply human nature. Well, that is what I did. I am not trying to justify
it; I'm only saying that I was mad, and anybody would have done it.

   Well, when I make up my mind to hit a man, I don't plan out a love-tap;
no, that isn't my way; as long as I'm going to hit him at all, I'm going to
hit him a lifter. And I don't jump at him all of a sudden, and risk making
a blundering half-way business of it; no, I get away off yonder to one
side, and work up on him gradually, so that he never suspects that I'm
going to hit him at all; and by and by, all in a flash, he's flat on his
back, and he can't tell for the life of him how it all happened. That is
the way I went for brother Dowley. I started to talking lazy and
comfortable, as if I was just talking to pass the time; and the oldest man
in the world couldn't have taken the bearings of my starting place and
guessed where I was going to fetch up:

   "Boys, there's a good many curious things about law, and custom, and
usage, and all that sort of thing, when you come to look at it; yes, and
about the drift and progress of human opinion and movement, too. There are
written laws -- mdash; they perish; but there are also unwritten laws --
mdash; they are eternal. Take the unwritten law of wages: it says they've
got to advance, little by little, straight through the centuries. And
notice how it works. We know what wages are now, here and there and yonder;
we strike an average, and say that's the wages of to-day. We know what the
wages were a hundred years ago, and what they were two hundred years ago;
that's as far back as we can
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 317

get, but it suffices to give us the law of progress, the measure and rate
of the periodical augmentation; and so, without a document to help us, we
can come pretty close to determining what the wages were three and four and
five hundred years ago. Good, so far. Do we stop there? No. We stop looking
backward; we face around and apply the law to the future. My friends, I can
tell you what people's wages are going to be at any date in the future you
want to know, for hundreds and hundreds of years."

   "What, goodman, what!"

   "Yes. In seven hundred years wages will have risen to six times what
they are now, here in your region, and farm hands will be allowed 3 cents a
day, and mechanics 6."

   "I would't I might die now and live then!" interrupted Smug, the
wheelwright, with a fine avaricious glow in his eye.

   "And that isn't all; they'll get their board besides -- mdash; such as
it is: it won't bloat them. Two hundred and fifty years later -- mdash; pay
attention now -- mdash; a mechanic's wages will be -- mdash; mind you, this
is law, not guesswork; a mechanic's wages will then be twenty cents a day!"

   There was a general gasp of awed astonishment, Dickon the mason
murmured, with raised eyes and hands:

   "More than three weeks' pay for one day's work!"

   "Riches! -- mdash; of a truth, yes, riches!" muttered Marco, his breath
coming quick and short, with excitement.

   "Wages will keep on rising, little by little, little by little, as
steadily as a tree grows, and at the end of
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 318

three hundred and forty years more there'll be at least one country where
the mechanic's average wage will be two hundred cents a day!"

   It knocked them absolutely dumb! Not a man of them could get his breath
for upwards of two minutes. Then the coal-burner said prayerfully:

   "Might I but live to see it!"

   "It is the income of an earl!" said Smug.

   "An earl, say ye?" said Dowley; "ye could say more than that and speak
no lie; there's no earl in the realm of Bagdemagus that hath an income like
to that. Income of an earl -- mdash; mf! it's the income of an angel!"

   "Now, then, that is what is going to happen as regards wages. In that
remote day, that man will earn, with one week's work, that bill of goods
which it takes you upwards of fifty weeks to earn now. Some other pretty
surprising things are going to happen, too. Brother Dowley, who is it that
determines, every spring, what the particular wage of each kind of
mechanic, laborer, and servant shall be for that year?"

   "Sometimes the courts, sometimes the town council; but most of all, the
magistrate. Ye may say, in general terms, it is the magistrate that fixes
the wages."

   "Doesn't ask any of those poor devils to help him fix their wages for
them, does he?"

   "Hm! That were an idea! The master that's to pay him the money is the
one that's rightly concerned in that matter, ye will notice "

   "Yes -- mdash; but I thought the other man might have some little trifle
at stake in it, too; and even his wife and children, poor creatures. The
masters are these: nobles, rich men, the prosperous generally. These
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 319

few, who do no work, determine what pay the vast hive shall have who do
work. You see? They're a 'combine' -- mdash; a trade union, to coin a new
phrase -- mdash; who band themselves together to force their lowly brother
to take what they choose to give. Thirteen hundred years hence -- mdash; so
says the unwritten law -- mdash; the 'combine' will be the other way, and
then how these fine people's posterity will fume and fret and grit their
teeth over the insolent tyranny of trade unions! Yes, indeed! the
magistrate will tranquilly arrange the wages from now clear away down into
the nineteenth century; and then all of a sudden the wage-earner will
consider that a couple of thousand years or so is enough of this one-sided
sort of thing; and he will rise up and take a hand in fixing his wages
himself. Ah, he will have a long and bitter account of wrong and
humiliation to settle."

   "Do ye believe -- mdash; "

   "That he actually will help to fix his own wages? Yes, indeed. And he
will be strong and able, then."

   "Brave times, brave times, of a truth!" sneered the prosperous smith.

   "Oh, -- mdash; and there's another detail. In that day, a master may
hire a man for only just one day, or one week, or one month at a time, if
he wants to."

   "What?"

   "It's true. Moreover, a magistrate won't be able to force a man to work
for a master a whole year on a stretch whether the man wants to or not."

   "Will there be nolaw or sense in that day?"

   "Both of them, Dowley. In that day a man will be his own property, not
the property of magistrate and master. And he can leave town whenever he
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 320

wants to, if the wages don't suit him! -- mdash; and they can't put him in
the pillory for it."

   "Perdition catch such an age!" shouted Dowley, in strong indignation.
"An age of dogs, an age barren of reverence for superiors and respect for
authority! The pillory -- mdash; "

   "Oh, wait, brother; say no good word for that institution. I think the
pillory ought to be abolished."

   "A most strange idea. Why?"

   "Well, I'll tell you why. Is a man ever put in the pillory for a capital
crime?"

   "No."

   "Is it right to condemn a man to a slight punishment for a small offense
and then kill him?"

   There was no answer. I had scored my first point! For the first time,
the smith wasn't up and ready. The company noticed it. Good effect.

   "You don't answer, brother. You were about to glorify the pillory a
while ago, and shed some pity on a future age that isn't going to use it. I
think the pillory ought to be abolished. What usually happens when a poor
fellow is put in the pillory for some little offense that didn't amount to
anything in the world? The mob try to have some fun with him, don't they?"

   "Yes."

   "They begin by clodding him; and they laugh themselves to pieces to see
him try to dodge one clod and get hit with another?"

   "Yes."

   "Then they throw dead cats at him, don't they?"

   "Yes."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 321

   "Well, then, suppose he has a few personal enemies in that mob and here
and there a man or a woman with a secret grudge against him -- mdash; and
suppose especially that he is unpopular in the community, for his pride, or
his prosperity, or one thing or another -- mdash; stones and bricks take
the place of clods and cats presently, don't they?"

   "There is no doubt of it."

   "As a rule he is crippled for life, isn't he? -- mdash; jaws broken,
teeth smashed out? -- mdash; or legs mutilated, gangrened, presently cut
off? -- mdash; or an eye knocked out, maybe both eyes?"

   "It is true, God knoweth it."

   "And if he is unpopular he can depend on dying, right there in the
stocks, can't he?"

   "He surely can! One may not deny it."

   "I take it none of you are unpopular -- mdash; by reason of pride or
insolence, or conspicuous prosperity, or any of those things that excite
envy and malice among the base scum of a village? you wouldn't think it
much of a risk to take a chance in the stocks?"

   Dowley winced, visibly. I judged he was hit. But he didn't betray it by
any spoken word. As for the others, they spoke out plainly, and with strong
feeling. They said they had seen enough of the stocks to know what a man's
chance in them was, and they would never consent to enter them if they
could compromise on a quick death by hanging.

   "Well, to change the subject -- mdash; for I think I've established my
point that the stocks ought to be abolished. I think some of our laws are
pretty unfair. For instance, if I do a thing which ought to deliver me to
the stocks, and you know I did it and yet keep
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 322

still and don't report me, you will get the stocks if anybody informs on
you."

   "Ah, but that would serve you but right," said Dowley, "for you must
inform. So saith the law."

   The others coincided.

   "Well, all right, let it go, since you vote me down. But there's one
thing which certainly isn't fair. The magistrate fixes a mechanic's wage at
1 cent a day, for instance. The law says that if any master shall venture,
even under utmost press of business, to pay anything over that cent a day,
even for a single day, he shall be both fined and pilloried for it; and
whoever knows he did it and doesn't inform, they also shall be fined and
pilloried. Now it seems to me unfair, Dowley, and a deadly peril to all of
us, that because you thoughtlessly confessed, a while ago, that within a
week you have paid a cent and fifteen mil -- mdash; "

   Oh, I tell you it was a smasher! You ought to have seen them to go to
pieces, the whole gang. I had just slipped up on poor smiling and
complacent Dowley so nice and easy and softly, that he never suspected
anything was going to happen till the blow came crashing down and knocked
him all to rags.

   A fine effect. In fact, as fine as any I ever produced, with so little
time to work it up in.

   But I saw in a moment that I had overdone the thing a little. I was
expecting to scare them, but I wasn't expecting to scare them to death.
They were mighty near it, though. You see they had been a whole lifetime
learning to appreciate the pillory; and to have that thing staring them in
the face, and every one of them distinctly at the mercy of me, a
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 323

stranger, if I chose to go and report -- mdash; well, it was awful, and
they couldn't seem to recover from the shock, they couldn't seem to pull
themselves together. Pale, shaky, dumb, pitiful? Why, they weren't any
better than so many dead men. It was very uncomfortable. Of course, I
thought they would appeal to me to keep mum, and then we would shake hands,
and take a drink all round, and laugh it off, and there an end. But no; you
see I was an unknown person, among a cruelly oppressed and suspicious
people, a people always accustomed to having advantage taken of their
helplessness, and never expecting just or kind treatment from any but their
own families and very closest intimates. Appeal to me to be gentle, to be
fair, to be generous? Of course, they wanted to, but they couldn't dare.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 324

                                 Chapter 34

                   THE YANKEE AND THE KING SOLD AS SLAVES

   WELL, what had I better do? Nothing in a hurry, sure. I must get up a
diversion; anything to employ me while I could think, and while these poor
fellows could have a chance to come to life again. There sat Marco,
petrified in the act of trying to get the hang of his miller-gun -- mdash;
turned to stone, just in the attitude he was in when my pile-driver fell,
the toy still gripped in his unconscious fingers. So I took it from him and
proposed to explain its mystery. Mystery! a simple little thing like that;
and yet it was mysterious enough, for that race and that age.

   I never saw such an awkward people, with machinery; you see, they were
totally unused to it. The miller-gun was a little double-barreled tube of
toughened glass, with a neat little trick of a spring to it, which upon
pressure would let a shot escape. But the shot wouldn't hurt anybody, it
would only drop into your hand. In the gun were two sizes -- mdash; wee
mustard-seed shot, and another sort that were several times larger. They
were money. The mustard-seed shot represented milrays, the larger ones
mills. So the gun was a purse; and very handy, too; you could pay out money
in the dark with it, with accuracy; and you could carry it in your mouth;
or in your vest
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 325

pocket, if you had one. I made them of several sizes -- mdash; one size so
large that it would carry the equivalent of a dollar. Using shot for money
was a good thing for the government; the metal cost nothing, and the money
couldn't be counterfeited, for I was the only person in the kingdom who
knew how to manage a shot tower. "Paying the shot" soon came to be a common
phrase. Yes, and I knew it would still be passing men's lips, away down in
the nineteenth century, yet none would suspect how and when it originated.

   The king joined us, about this time, mightily refreshed by his nap, and
feeling good. Anything could make me nervous now, I was so uneasy -- mdash;
for our lives were in danger; and so it worried me to detect a complacent
something in the king's eye which seemed to indicate that he had been
loading himself up for a performance of some kind or other; confound it,
why must he go and choose such a time as this?

   I was right. He began, straight off, in the most innocently artful, and
transparent, and lubberly way, to lead up to the subject of agriculture.
The cold sweat broke out all over me. I wanted to whisper in his ear, "Man,
we are in awful danger! every moment is worth a principality till we get
back these men's confidence; don't waste any of this golden time." But of
course I couldn't do it. Whisper to him? It would look as if we were
conspiring. So I had to sit there and look calm and pleasant while the king
stood over that dynamite mine and mooned along about his damned onions and
things. At first the tumult of my own thoughts, summoned by the
danger-signal and swarming to the rescue from every quarter of my
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 326

skull, kept up such a hurrah and confusion and fifing and drumming that I
couldn't take in a word; but presently when my mob of gathering plans began
to crystallize and fall into position and form line of battle, a sort of
order and quiet ensued and I caught the boom of the king's batteries, as if
out of remote distance:

   " -- mdash; were not the best way, methinks, albeit it is not to be
denied that authorities differ as concerning this point, some contending
that the onion is but an unwholesome berry when stricken early from the
tree -- mdash; "

   The audience showed signs of life, and sought each other's eyes in a
surprised and troubled way.

   " -- mdash; whileas others do yet maintain, with much show of reason,
that this is not of necessity the case, instancing that plums and other
like cereals do be always dug in the unripe state -- mdash; "

   The audience exhibited distinct distress; yes, and also fear.

   " -- mdash; yet are they clearly wholesome, the more especially when one
doth assuage the asperities of their nature by admixture of the
tranquilizing juice of the wayward cabbage -- mdash; "

   The wild light of terror began to glow in these men's eyes, and one of
them muttered, "These be errors, every one -- mdash; God hath surely
smitten the mind of this farmer." I was in miserable apprehension; I sat
upon thorns.

   " -- mdash; and further instancing the known truth that in the case of
animals, the young, which may be called the green fruit of the creature, is
the better, all confessing that when a goat is ripe, his fur doth heat and
sore engame his flesh, the which defect, taken in
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 327

connection with his several rancid habits, and fulsome appetites, and
godless attitudes of mind, and bilious quality of morals -- mdash; "

   They rose and went for him! With a fierce shout, "The one would betray
us, the other is mad! Kill them! Kill them!" they flung themselves upon us.
What joy flamed up in the king's eye! He might be lame in agriculture, but
this kind of thing was just in his line. He had been fasting long, he was
hungry for a fight. He hit the blacksmith a crack under the jaw that lifted
him clear off his feet and stretched him flat on his back. "St. George for
Britain!" and he downed the wheelwright. The mason was big, but I laid him
out like nothing. The three gathered themselves up and came again; went
down again; came again; and kept on repeating this, with native British
pluck, until they were battered to jelly, reeling with exhaustion, and so
blind that they couldn't tell us from each other; and yet they kept right
on, hammering away with what might was left in them. Hammering each other
-- mdash; for we stepped aside and looked on while they rolled, and
struggled, and gouged, and pounded, and bit, with the strict and wordless
attention to business of so many bulldogs. We looked on without
apprehension, for they were fast getting past ability to go for help
against us, and the arena was far enough from the public road to be safe
from intrusion.

   Well, while they were gradually playing out, it suddenly occurred to me
to wonder what had become of Marco. I looked around; he was nowhere to be
seen. Oh, but this was ominous! I pulled the king's sleeve, and we glided
away and rushed for the hut. No Marco there, no Phyllis there! They had
gone to the road
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 328

for help, sure. I told the king to give his heels wings, and I would
explain later. We made good time across the open ground, and as we darted
into the shelter of the wood I glanced back and saw a mob of excited
peasants swarm into view, with Marco and his wife at their head. They were
making a world of noise, but that couldn't hurt anybody; the wood was
dense, and as soon as we were well into its depths we would take to a tree
and let them whistle. Ah, but then came another sound -- mdash; dogs! Yes,
that was quite another matter. It magnified our contract -- mdash; we must
find running water.

   We tore along at a good gait, and soon left the sounds far behind and
modified to a murmur. We struck a stream and darted into it. We waded
swiftly down it, in the dim forest light, for as much as three hundred
yards, and then came across an oak with a great bough sticking out over the
water. We climbed up on this bough, and began to work our way along it to
the body of the tree; now we began to hear those sounds more plainly; so
the mob had struck our trail. For a while the sounds approached pretty
fast. And then for another while they didn't. No doubt the dogs had found
the place where we had entered the stream, and were now waltzing up and
down the shores trying to pick up the trail again.

   When we were snugly lodged in the tree and curtained with foliage, the
king was satisfied, but I was doubtful. I believed we could crawl along a
branch and get into the next tree, and I judged it worth while to try. We
tried it, and made a success of it, though the king slipped, at the
junction, and came near failing to connect. We got comfortable lodgment and
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 329

satisfactory concealment among the foliage, and then we had nothing to do
but listen to the hunt.

   Presently we heard it coming -- mdash; and coming on the jump, too; yes,
and down both sides of the stream. Louder -- mdash; louder -- mdash; next
minute it swelled swiftly up into a roar of shoutings, barkings,
tramplings, and swept by like a cyclone.

   "I was afraid that the overhanging branch would suggest something to
them," said I, "but I don't mind the disappointment. Come, my liege, it
were well that we make good use of our time. We've flanked them. Dark is
coming on, presently. If we can cross the stream and get a good start, and
borrow a couple of horses from somebody's pasture to use for a few hours,
we shall be safe enough."

   We started down, and got nearly to the lowest limb, when we seemed to
hear the hunt returning. We stopped to listen.

   "Yes," said I, "they're baffled, they've given it up, they're on their
way home. We will climb back to our roost again, and let them go by."

   So we climbed back. The king listened a moment and said:

   "They still search -- mdash; I wit the sign. We did best to abide."

   He was right. He knew more about hunting than I did. The noise
approached steadily, but not with a rush. The king said:

   "They reason that we were advantaged by no parlous start of them, and
being on foot are as yet no mighty way from where we took the water."

   "Yes, sire, that is about it, I am afraid, though I was hoping better
things."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 330

   The noise drew nearer and nearer, and soon the van was drifting under
us, on both sides of the water. A voice called a halt from the other bank,
and said:

   "An they were so minded, they could get to yon tree by this branch that
overhangs, and yet not touch ground. Ye will do well to send a man up it."

   "Marry, that we will do!"

   I was obliged to admire my cuteness in foreseeing this very thing and
swapping trees to beat it. But, don't you know, there are some things that
can beat smartness and foresight? Awkwardness and stupidity can. The best
swordsman in the world doesn't need to fear the second best swordsman in
the world; no, the person for him to be afraid of is some ignorant
antagonist who has never had a sword in his hand before; he doesn't do the
thing he ought to do, and so the expert isn't prepared for him; he does the
thing he ought not to do; and often it catches the expert out and ends him
on the spot. Well, how could I, with all my gifts, make any valuable
preparation against a near-sighted, cross-eyed, pudding-headed clown who
would aim himself at the wrong tree and hit the right one? And that is what
he did. He went for the wrong tree, which was, of course, the right one by
mistake, and up he started.

   Matters were serious now. We remained still, and awaited developments.
The peasant toiled his difficult way up. The king raised himself up and
stood; he made a leg ready, and when the comer's head arrived in reach of
it there was a dull thud, and down went the man floundering to the ground.
There was a wild outbreak of anger below, and the mob swarmed in from all
around, and there we were treed, and
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 331

prisoners. Another man started up; the bridging bough was detected, and a
volunteer started up the tree that furnished the bridge. The king ordered
me to play Horatius and keep the bridge. For a while the enemy came thick
and fast; but no matter, the head man of each procession always got a
buffet that dislodged him as soon as he came in reach. The king's spirits
rose, his joy was limitless. He said that if nothing occurred to mar the
prospect we should have a beautiful night, for on this line of tactics we
could hold the tree against the whole country-side.

   However, the mob soon came to that conclusion themselves; wherefore they
called off the assault and began to debate other plans. They had no
weapons, but there were plenty of stones, and stones might answer. We had
no objections. A stone might possibly penetrate to us once in a while, but
it wasn't very likely; we were well protected by boughs and foliage, and
were not visible from any good aiming point. If they would but waste half
an hour in stone-throwing, the dark would come to our help. We were feeling
very well satisfied. We could smile; almost laugh.

   But we didn't; which was just as well, for we should have been
interrupted. Before the stones had been raging through the leaves and
bouncing from the boughs fifteen minutes, we began to notice a smell. A
couple of sniffs of it was enough of an explanation -- mdash; it was smoke!
Our game was up at last. We recognized that. When smoke invites you, you
have to come. They raised their pile of dry brush and damp weeds higher and
higher, and when they saw the thick cloud begin to roll up and smother the
tree, they broke
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 332

out in a storm of joy-clamors. I got enough breath to say:

   "Proceed, my liege; after you is manners."

   The king gasped:

   "Follow me down, and then back thyself against one side of the trunk,
and leave me the other. Then will we fight. Let each pile his dead
according to his own fashion and taste."

   Then he descended, barking and coughing, and I followed. I struck the
ground an instant after him; we sprang to our appointed places, and began
to give and take with all our might. The powwow and racket were prodigious;
it was a tempest of riot and confusion and thick-falling blows. Suddenly
some horsemen tore into the midst of the crowd, and a voice shouted:

   "Hold -- mdash; or ye are dead men!"

   How good it sounded! The owner of the voice bore all the marks of a
gentleman: picturesque and costly raiment, the aspect of command, a hard
countenance, with complexion and features marred by dissipation. The mob
fell humbly back, like so many spaniels. The gentleman inspected us
critically, then said sharply to the peasants:

   "What are ye doing to these people?"

   "They be madmen, worshipful sir, that have come wandering we know not
whence, and -- mdash; "

   "Ye know not whence? Do ye pretend ye know them not?"

   "Most honored sir, we speak but the truth. They are strangers and
unknown to any in this region; and they be the most violent and
bloodthirsty madmen that ever -- mdash; "

   "Peace! Ye know not what ye say. They are not mad. Who are ye? And
whence are ye? Explain."

   "We are but peaceful strangers, sir," I said, "and traveling upon our
own concerns. We are from a far country, and unacquainted here. We have
purposed no harm; and yet but for your brave interference and protection
these people would have killed us. As you have divined, sir, we are
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 333

not mad; neither are we violent or bloodthirsty."

   The gentleman turned to his retinue and said calmly: "Lash me these
animals to their kennels!"

   The mob vanished in an instant; and after them plunged the horsemen,
laying about them with their whips and pitilessly riding down such as were
witless enough to keep the road instead of taking to the bush. The shrieks
and supplications presently died away in the distance, and soon the
horsemen began to straggle back. Meantime the gentleman had been
questioning us more closely, but had dug no particulars out of us. We were
lavish of recognition of the service he was doing us, but we revealed
nothing more than that we were friendless strangers from a far country.
When the escort were all returned, the gentleman said to one of his
servants:

   "Bring the led-horses and mount these people."

   "Yes, my lord."

   We were placed toward the rear, among the servants. We traveled pretty
fast, and finally drew rein some time after dark at a roadside inn some ten
or twelve miles from the scene of our troubles. My lord went immediately to
his room, after ordering his supper, and we saw no more of him. At dawn in
the morning we breakfasted and made ready to start.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 334

   My lord's chief attendant sauntered forward at that moment with indolent
grace, and said:

   "Ye have said ye should continue upon this road, which is our direction
likewise; wherefore my lord, the earl Grip, hath given commandment that ye
retain the horses and ride, and that certain of us ride with ye a twenty
mile to a fair town that hight Cambenet, whenso ye shall be out of peril."

   We could do nothing less than express our thanks and accept the offer.
We jogged along, six in the party, at a moderate and comfortable gait, and
in conversation learned that my lord Grip was a very great personage in his
own region, which lay a day's journey beyond Cambenet. We loitered to such
a degree that it was near the middle of the forenoon when we entered the
market square of the town. We dismounted, and left our thanks once more for
my lord, and then approached a crowd assembled in the center of the square,
to see what might be the object of interest. It was the remnant of that old
peregrinating band of slaves! So they had been dragging their chains about,
all this weary time. That poor husband was gone, and also many others; and
some few purchases had been added to the gang. The king was not interested,
and wanted to move along, but I was absorbed, and full of pity. I could not
take my eyes away from these worn and wasted wrecks of humanity. There they
sat, grounded upon the ground, silent, uncomplaining, with bowed heads, a
pathetic sight. And by hideous contrast, a redundant orator was making a
speech to another gathering not thirty steps away, in fulsome laudation of
"our glorious British liberties!"
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 335

   I was boiling. I had forgotten I was a plebeian, I was remembering I was
a man. Cost what it might, I would mount that rostrum and -- mdash;

   Click! the king and I were handcuffed together! Our companions, those
servants, had done it; my lord Grip stood looking on. The king burst out in
a fury, and said:

   "What meaneth this ill-mannered jest?"

   My lord merely said to his head miscreant, coolly:

   "Put up the slaves and sell them!"

   SLAVES! The word had a new sound -- mdash; and how unspeakably awful!
The king lifted his manacles and brought them down with a deadly force; but
my lord was out of the way when they arrived. A dozen of the rascal's
servants sprang forward, and in a moment we were helpless, with our hands
bound behind us. We so loudly and so earnestly proclaimed ourselves
freemen, that we got the interested attention of that liberty-mouthing
orator and his patriotic crowd, and they gathered about us and assumed a
very determined attitude. The orator said:

   "If, indeed, ye are freemen, ye have nought to fear -- mdash; the
God-given liberties of Britain are about ye for your shield and shelter!
(Applause.) Ye shall soon see. Bring forth your proofs."

   "What proofs?"

   "Proof that ye are freemen."

   Ah -- mdash; I remembered! I came to myself; I said nothing. But the
king stormed out:

   "Thou'rt insane, man. It were better, and more in reason, that this
thief and scoundrel here prove that we are not freemen."

   You see, he knew his own laws just as other people
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 336

so often know the laws; by words, not by effects. They take a meaning, and
get to be very vivid, when you come to apply them to yourself.

   All hands shook their heads and looked disappointed; some turned away,
no longer interested. The orator said -- mdash; and this time in the tones
of business, not of sentiment:

   "An ye do not know your country's laws, it were time ye learned them. Ye
are strangers to us; ye will not deny that. Ye may be freemen, we do not
deny that; but also ye may be slaves. The law is clear: it doth not require
the claimant to prove ye are slaves, it requireth you to prove ye are not."

   I said:

   "Dear sir, give us only time to send to Astolat; or give us only time to
send to the Valley of Holiness -- mdash; "

   "Peace, good man, these are extraordinary requests, and you may not hope
to have them granted. It would cost much time, and would unwarrantably
inconvenience your master -- mdash; "

   "MASTER, idiot!" stormed the king. "I have no master, I myself am the m
-- mdash; "

   "Silence, for God's sake!"

   I got the words out in time to stop the king. We were in trouble enough
already; it could not help us any to give these people the notion that we
were lunatics.

   There is no use in stringing out the details. The earl put us up and
sold us at auction. This same infernal law had existed in our own South in
my own time, more than thirteen hundred years later, and under it hundreds
of freemen who could not prove that they
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 337

were freemen had been sold into lifelong slavery without the circumstance
making any particular impression upon me; but the minute law and the
auction block came into my personal experience, a thing which had been
merely improper before became suddenly hellish. Well, that's the way we are
made.

   Yes, we were sold at auction, like swine. In a big town and an active
market we should have brought a good price; but this place was utterly
stagnant and so we sold at a figure which makes me ashamed, every time I
think of it. The King of England brought seven dollars, and his prime
minister nine; whereas the king was easily worth twelve dollars and I as
easily worth fifteen. But that is the way things always go; if you force a
sale on a dull market, I don't care what the property is, you are going to
make a poor business of it, and you can make up your mind to it. If the
earl had had wit enough to -- mdash;

   However, there is no occasion for my working my sympathies up on his
account. Let him go, for the present; I took his number, so to speak.

   The slave-dealer bought us both, and hitched us onto that long chain of
his, and we constituted the rear of his procession. We took up our line of
march and passed out of Cambenet at noon; and it seemed to me unaccountably
strange and odd that the King of England and his chief minister, marching
manacled and fettered and yoked, in a slave convoy, could move by all
manner of idle men and women, and under windows where sat the sweet and the
lovely, and yet never attract a curious eye, never provoke a single remark.
Dear, dear, it only shows that there is nothing diviner about a king than
there is about a tramp, after
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 338

all. He is just a cheap and hollow artificiality when you don't know he is
a king. But reveal his quality, and dear me it takes your very breath away
to look at him. I reckon we are all fools. Born so, no doubt.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 339

                                 Chapter 35

                             A PITIFUL INCIDENT

   IT'S a world of surprises. The king brooded; this was natural. What
would he brood about, should you say? Why, about the prodigious nature of
his fall, of course -- mdash; from the loftiest place in the world to the
lowest; from the most illustrious station in the world to the obscurest;
from the grandest vocation among men to the basest. No, I take my oath that
the thing that graveled him most, to start with, was not this, but the
price he had fetched! He couldn't seem to get over that seven dollars.
Well, it stunned me so, when I first found it out, that I couldn't believe
it; it didn't seem natural. But as soon as my mental sight cleared and I
got a right focus on it, I saw I was mistaken; it was natural. For this
reason: a king is a mere artificiality, and so a king's feelings, like the
impulses of an automatic doll, are mere artificialities; but as a man, he
is a reality, and his feelings, as a man, are real, not phantoms. It shames
the average man to be valued below his own estimate of his worth, and the
king certainly wasn't anything more than an average man, if he was up that
high.

   Confound him, he wearied me with arguments to show that in anything like
a fair market he would have fetched twenty-five dollars, sure -- mdash; a
thing which was plainly nonsense, and full or the baldest conceit; I wasn't
worth it myself. But it was tender ground for me to argue on. In fact, I
had to simply shirk argument and do the diplomatic instead. I had to throw
conscience aside, and brazenly concede that he ought to have brought
twenty-five dollars; whereas I was quite well aware that in all the ages,
the world had never seen a king that was worth half the money, and during
the next thirteen centuries wouldn't see one that was worth the fourth of
it. Yes, he tired me. If he began to talk about the crops; or about the
recent weather; or about the condition of politics; or about dogs, or cats,
or morals, or theology -- mdash; no matter what -- mdash; I sighed, for I
knew what was coming; he was going to get out of it a palliation of that
tiresome seven-dollar sale. Wherever we halted where there was a crowd, he
would give me a look which said plainly: "if that thing could be tried over
again now, with this kind of folk, you would see a different result." Well,
when he was first sold, it secretly tickled me to see him go for seven
dollars; but before he was done with his sweating and worrying I wished he
had fetched a hundred. The thing never got a chance to die, for every day,
at one place or another, possible purchasers looked us over, and, as often
as any other way, their comment on the king was something like this:

   "Here's a two-dollar-and-a-half chump with a thirty-dollar style. Pity
but style was marketable."

   At last this sort of remark produced an evil result. Our owner was a
practical person and he perceived that this defect must be mended if he
hoped to find a purchaser for the king. So he went to work to take
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 341

the style out of his sacred majesty. I could have given the man some
valuable advice, but I didn't; you mustn't volunteer advice to a
slave-driver unless you want to damage the cause you are arguing for. I had
found it a sufficiently difficult job to reduce the king's style to a
peasant's style, even when he was a willing and anxious pupil; now then, to
undertake to reduce the king's style to a slave's style -- mdash; and by
force -- mdash; go to! it was a stately contract. Never mind the details --
mdash; it will save me trouble to let you imagine them. I will only remark
that at the end of a week there was plenty of evidence that lash and club
and fist had done their work well; the king's body was a sight to see --
mdash; and to weep over; but his spirit? -- mdash; why, it wasn't even
phased. Even that dull clod of a slave-driver was able to see that there
can be such a thing as a slave who will remain a man till he dies; whose
bones you can break, but whose manhood you can't. This man found that from
his first effort down to his latest, he couldn't ever come within reach of
the king, but the king was ready to plunge for him, and did it. So he gave
up at last, and left the king in possession of his style unimpaired. The
fact is, the king was a good deal more than a king, he was a man; and when
a man is a man, you can't knock it out of him.

   We had a rough time for a month, tramping to and fro in the earth, and
suffering. And what Englishman was the most interested in the slavery
question by that time? His grace the king! Yes; from being the most
indifferent, he was become the most interested. He was become the bitterest
hater of the institution I had ever heard talk. And so I ventured to ask
once more a question which I had asked years before and
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 342

had gotten such a sharp answer that I had not thought it prudent to meddle
in the matter further. Would he abolish slavery?

   His answer was as sharp as before, but it was music this time; I
shouldn't ever wish to hear pleasanter, though the profanity was not good,
being awkwardly put together, and with the crash-word almost in the middle
instead of at the end, where, of course, it ought to have been.

   I was ready and willing to get free now; I hadn't wanted to get free any
sooner. No, I cannot quite say that. I had wanted to, but I had not been
willing to take desperate chances, and had always dissuaded the king from
them. But now -- mdash; ah, it was a new atmosphere! Liberty would be worth
any cost that might be put upon it now. I set about a plan, and was
straightway charmed with it. It would require time, yes, and patience, too,
a great deal of both. One could invent quicker ways, and fully as sure
ones; but none that would be as picturesque as this; none that could be
made so dramatic. And so I was not going to give this one up. It might
delay us months, but no matter, I would carry it out or break something.

   Now and then we had an adventure. One night we were overtaken by a
snow-storm while still a mile from the village we were making for. Almost
instantly we were shut up as in a fog, the driving snow was so thick. You
couldn't see a thing, and we were soon lost. The slave-driver lashed us
desperately, for he saw ruin before him, but his lashings only made matters
worse, for they drove us further from the road and from likelihood of
succor. So we had to stop at last and slump down in the snow where we were.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 343

The storm continued until toward midnight, then ceased. By this time two of
our feebler men and three of our women were dead, and others past moving
and threatened with death. Our master was nearly beside himself. He stirred
up the living, and made us stand, jump, slap ourselves, to restore our
circulation, and he helped as well as he could with his whip.

   Now came a diversion. We heard shrieks and yells, and soon a woman came
running and crying; and seeing our group, she flung herself into our midst
and begged for protection. A mob of people came tearing after her, some
with torches, and they said she was a witch who had caused several cows to
die by a strange disease, and practiced her arts by help of a devil in the
form of a black cat. This poor woman had been stoned until she hardly
looked human, she was so battered and bloody. The mob wanted to burn her.

   Well, now, what do you suppose our master did? When we closed around
this poor creature to shelter her, he saw his chance. He said, burn her
here, or they shouldn't have her at all. Imagine that! They were willing.
They fastened her to a post; they brought wood and piled it about her; they
applied the torch while she shrieked and pleaded and strained her two young
daughters to her breast; and our brute, with a heart solely for business,
lashed us into position about the stake and warmed us into life and
commercial value by the same fire which took away the innocent life of that
poor harmless mother. That was the sort of master we had. I took his
number. That snow-storm cost him nine of his flock; and he was more brutal
to us than ever, after that, for many days together, he was so enraged over
his loss.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 344

   We had adventures all along. One day we ran into a procession. And such
a procession! All the riffraff of the kingdom seemed to be comprehended in
it; and all drunk at that. In the van was a cart with a coffin in it, and
on the coffin sat a comely young girl of about eighteen suckling a baby,
which she squeezed to her breast in a passion of love every little while,
and every little while wiped from its face the tears which her eyes rained
down upon it; and always the foolish little thing smiled up at her, happy
and content, kneading her breast with its dimpled fat hand, which she
patted and fondled right over her breaking heart.

   Men and women, boys and girls, trotted along beside or after the cart,
hooting, shouting profane and ribald remarks, singing snatches of foul
song, skipping, dancing -- mdash; a very holiday of hellions, a sickening
sight. We had struck a suburb of London, outside the walls, and this was a
sample of one sort of London society. Our master secured a good place for
us near the gallows. A priest was in attendance, and he helped the girl
climb up, and said comforting words to her, and made the under-sheriff
provide a stool for her. Then he stood there by her on the gallows, and for
a moment looked down upon the mass of upturned faces at his feet, then out
over the solid pavement of heads that stretched away on every side
occupying the vacancies far and near, and then began to tell the story of
the case. And there was pity in his voice -- mdash; how seldom a sound that
was in that ignorant and savage land! I remember every detail of what he
said, except the words he said it in; and so I change it into my own words:

   "Law is intended to mete out justice. Sometimes it fails. This cannot be
helped. We can only grieve,
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 345

and be resigned, and pray for the soul of him who falls unfairly by the arm
of the law, and that his fellows may be few. A law sends this poor young
thing to death -- mdash; and it is right. But another law had placed her
where she must commit her crime or starve with her child -- mdash; and
before God that law is responsible for both her crime and her ignominious
death!

   "A little while ago this young thing, this child of eighteen years, was
as happy a wife and mother as any in England; and her lips were blithe with
song, which is the native speech of glad and innocent hearts. Her young
husband was as happy as she; for he was doing his whole duty, he worked
early and late at his handicraft, his bread was honest bread well and
fairly earned, he was prospering, he was furnishing shelter and sustenance
to his family, he was adding his mite to the wealth of the nation. By
consent of a treacherous law, instant destruction fell upon this holy home
and swept it away! That young husband was waylaid and impressed, and sent
to sea. The wife knew nothing of it. She sought him everywhere, she moved
the hardest hearts with the supplications of her tears, the broken
eloquence of her despair. Weeks dragged by, she watching, waiting, hoping,
her mind going slowly to wreck under the burden of her misery. Little by
little all her small possessions went for food. When she could no longer
pay her rent, they turned her out of doors. She begged, while she had
strength; when she was starving at last, and her milk failing, she stole a
piece of linen cloth of the value of a fourth part of a cent, thinking to
sell it and save her child. But she was seen by the owner of the cloth. She
was put in jail and brought to trial. The man testified to
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 346

the facts. A plea was made for her, and her sorrowful story was told in her
behalf. She spoke, too, by permission, and said she did steal the cloth,
but that her mind was so disordered of late by trouble that when she was
overborne with hunger all acts, criminal or other, swam meaningless through
her brain and she knew nothing rightly, except that she was so hungry! For
a moment all were touched, and there was disposition to deal mercifully
with her, seeing that she was so young and friendless, and her case so
piteous, and the law that robbed her of her support to blame as being the
first and only cause of her transgression; but the prosecuting officer
replied that whereas these things were all true, and most pitiful as well,
still there was much small theft in these days, and mistimed mercy here
would be a danger to property -- mdash; oh, my God, is there no property in
ruined homes, and orphaned babes, and broken hearts that British law holds
precious! -- mdash; and so he must require sentence.

   "When the judge put on his black cap, the owner of the stolen linen rose
trembling up, his lip quivering, his face as gray as ashes; and when the
awful words came, he cried out, 'Oh, poor child, poor child, I did not know
it was death!' and fell as a tree falls. When they lifted him up his reason
was gone; before the sun was set, he had taken his own life. A kindly man;
a man whose heart was right, at bottom; add his murder to this that is to
be now done here; and charge them both where they belong -- mdash; to the
rulers and the bitter laws of Britain. The time is come, my child; let me
pray over thee -- mdash; not for thee, dear abused poor heart and innocent,
but for them that be guilty of thy ruin and death, who need it more."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 347

   After his prayer they put the noose around the young girl's neck, and
they had great trouble to adjust the knot under her ear, because she was
devouring the baby all the time, wildly kissing it, and snatching it to her
face and her breast, and drenching it with tears, and half moaning, half
shrieking all the while, and the baby crowing, and laughing, and kicking
its feet with delight over what it took for romp and play. Even the hangman
couldn't stand it, but turned away. When all was ready the priest gently
pulled and tugged and forced the child out of the mother's arms, and
stepped quickly out of her reach; but she clasped her hands, and made a
wild spring toward him, with a shriek; but the rope -- mdash; and the
under-sheriff -- mdash; held her short. Then she went on her knees and
stretched out her hands and cried:

   "One more kiss -- mdash; oh, my God, one more, one more, -- mdash; it is
the dying that begs it!"

   She got it; she almost smothered the little thing. And when they got it
away again, she cried out:

   "Oh, my child, my darling, it will die! It has no home, it has no
father, no friend, no mother -- mdash; "

   "It has them all!" said that good priest. "All these will I be to it
till I die."

   You should have seen her face then! Gratitude? Lord, what do you want
with words to express that? Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire
itself. She gave that look, and carried it away to the treasury of heaven,
where all things that are divine belong.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 348

                                 Chapter 36

                          AN ENCOUNTER IN THE DARK

   LONDON -- mdash; to a slave -- mdash; was a sufficiently interesting
place. It was merely a great big village; and mainly mud and thatch. The
streets were muddy, crooked, unpaved. The populace was an ever flocking and
drifting swarm of rags, and splendors, of nodding plumes and shining armor.
The king had a palace there; he saw the outside of it. It made him sigh;
yes, and swear a little, in a poor juvenile sixth century way. We saw
knights and grandees whom we knew, but they didn't know us in our rags and
dirt and raw welts and bruises, and wouldn't have recognized us if we had
hailed them, nor stopped to answer, either, it being unlawful to speak with
slaves on a chain. Sandy passed within ten yards of me on a mule -- mdash;
hunting for me, I imagined. But the thing which clean broke my heart was
something which happened in front of our old barrack in a square, while we
were enduring the spectacle of a man being boiled to death in oil for
counterfeiting pennies. It was the sight of a newsboy -- mdash; and I
couldn't get at him! Still, I had one comfort -- mdash; here was proof that
Clarence was still alive and banging away. I meant to be with him before
long; the thought was full of cheer.

   I had one little glimpse of another thing, one day,
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 349

which gave me a great uplift. It was a wire stretching from housetop to
housetop. Telegraph or telephone, sure. I did very much wish I had a little
piece of it. It was just what I needed, in order to carry out my project of
escape. My idea was to get loose some night, along with the king, then gag
and bind our master, change clothes with him, batter him into the aspect of
a stranger, hitch him to the slave-chain, assume possession of the
property, march to Camelot, and -- mdash;

   But you get my idea; you see what a stunning dramatic surprise I would
wind up with at the palace. It was all feasible, if I could only get hold
of a slender piece of iron which I could shape into a lock-pick. I could
then undo the lumbering padlocks with which our chains were fastened,
whenever I might choose. But I never had any luck; no such thing ever
happened to fall in my way. However, my chance came at last. A gentleman
who had come twice before to dicker for me, without result, or indeed any
approach to a result, came again. I was far from expecting ever to belong
to him, for the price asked for me from the time I was first enslaved was
exorbitant, and always provoked either anger or derision, yet my master
stuck stubbornly to it -- mdash; twenty-two dollars. He wouldn't bate a
cent. The king was greatly admired, because of his grand physique, but his
kingly style was against him, and he wasn't salable; nobody wanted that
kind of a slave. I considered myself safe from parting from him because of
my extravagant price. No, I was not expecting to ever belong to this
gentleman whom I have spoken of, but he had something which I expected
would belong to me
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 350

eventually, if he would but visit us often enough. It was a steel thing
with a long pin to it, with which his long cloth outside garment was
fastened together in front. There were three of them. He had disappointed
me twice, because he did not come quite close enough to me to make my
project entirely safe; but this time I succeeded; I captured the lower
clasp of the three, and when he missed it he thought he had lost it on the
way.

   I had a chance to be glad about a minute, then straightway a chance to
be sad again. For when the purchase was about to fail, as usual, the master
suddenly spoke up and said what would be worded thus -- mdash; in modern
English:

   "I'll tell you what I'll do. I'm tired supporting these two for no good.
Give me twenty-two dollars for this one, and I'll throw the other one in."

   The king couldn't get his breath, he was in such a fury. He began to
choke and gag, and meantime the master and the gentleman moved away
discussing.

   "An ye will keep the offer open -- mdash; "

   "'Tis open till the morrow at this hour."

   "Then I will answer you at that time," said the gentleman, and
disappeared, the master following him.

   I had a time of it to cool the king down, but I managed it. I whispered
in his ear, to this effect:

   "Your grace will go for nothing, but after another fashion. And so shall
I. To-night we shall both be free."

   "Ah! How is that?"

   "With this thing which I have stolen, I will unlock these locks and cast
off these chains to-night. When he comes about nine-thirty to inspect us
for the night,
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 351

we will seize him, gag him, batter him, and early in the morning we will
march out of this town, proprietors of this caravan of slaves."

   That was as far as I went, but the king was charmed and satisfied. That
evening we waited patiently for our fellow-slaves to get to sleep and
signify it by the usual sign, for you must not take many chances on those
poor fellows if you can avoid it. It is best to keep your own secrets. No
doubt they fidgeted only about as usual, but it didn't seem so to me. It
seemed to me that they were going to be forever getting down to their
regular snoring. As the time dragged on I got nervously afraid we shouldn't
have enough of it left for our needs; so I made several premature attempts,
and merely delayed things by it; for I couldn't seem to touch a padlock,
there in the dark, without starting a rattle out of it which interrupted
somebody's sleep and made him turn over and wake some more of the gang.

   But finally I did get my last iron off, and was a free man once more. I
took a good breath of relief, and reached for the king's irons. Too late!
in comes the master, with a light in one hand and his heavy walking-staff
in the other. I snuggled close among the wallow of snorers, to conceal as
nearly as possible that I was naked of irons; and I kept a sharp lookout
and prepared to spring for my man the moment he should bend over me.

   But he didn't approach. He stopped, gazed absently toward our dusky mass
a minute, evidently thinking about something else; then set down his light,
moved musingly toward the door, and before a body could imagine what he was
going to do, he was out of the door and had closed it behind him.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 352

   "Quick!" said the king. "Fetch him back!"

   Of course, it was the thing to do, and I was up and out in a moment.
But, dear me, there were no lamps in those days, and it was a dark night.
But I glimpsed a dim figure a few steps away. I darted for it, threw myself
upon it, and then there was a state of things and lively! We fought and
scuffled and struggled, and drew a crowd in no time. They took an immense
interest in the fight and encouraged us all they could, and, in fact,
couldn't have been pleasanter or more cordial if it had been their own
fight. Then a tremendous row broke out behind us, and as much as half of
our audience left us, with a rush, to invest some sympathy in that.
Lanterns began to swing in all directions; it was the watch gathering from
far and near. Presently a halberd fell across my back, as a reminder, and I
knew what it meant. I was in custody. So was my adversary. We were marched
off toward prison, one on each side of the watchman. Here was disaster,
here was a fine scheme gone to sudden destruction! I tried to imagine what
would happen when the master should discover that it was I who had been
fighting him; and what would happen if they jailed us together in the
general apartment for brawlers and petty law-breakers, as was the custom;
and what might -- mdash;

   Just then my antagonist turned his face around in my direction, the
freckled light from the watchman's tin lantern fell on it, and, by George,
he was the wrong man!

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 353

                                 Chapter 37

                            AN AWFUL PREDICAMENT

   SLEEP? It was impossible. It would naturally have been impossible in
that noisome cavern of a jail, with its mangy crowd of drunken,
quarrelsome, and song-singing rapscallions. But the thing that made sleep
all the more a thing not to be dreamed of, was my racking impatience to get
out of this place and find out the whole size of what might have happened
yonder in the slave-quarters in consequence of that intolerable miscarriage
of mine.

   It was a long night, but the morning got around at last. I made a full
and frank explanation to the court. I said I was a slave, the property of
the great Earl Grip, who had arrived just after dark at the Tabard inn in
the village on the other side of the water, and had stopped there over
night, by compulsion, he being taken deadly sick with a strange and sudden
disorder. I had been ordered to cross to the city in all haste and bring
the best physician; I was doing my best; naturally I was running with all
my might; the night was dark, I ran against this common person here, who
seized me by the throat and began to pummel me, although I told him my
errand, and implored him, for the sake of the great earl my master's mortal
peril -- mdash;
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 354

   The common person interrupted and said it was a lie; and was going to
explain how I rushed upon him and attacked him without a word -- mdash;

   "Silence, sirrah!" from the court. "Take him hence and give him a few
stripes whereby to teach him how to treat the servant of a nobleman after a
different fashion another time. Go!"

   Then the court begged my pardon, and hoped I would not fail to tell his
lordship it was in no wise the court's fault that this high-handed thing
had happened. I said I would make it all right, and so took my leave. Took
it just in time, too; he was starting to ask me why I didn't fetch out
these facts the moment I was arrested. I said I would if I had thought of
it -- mdash; which was true -- mdash; but that I was so battered by that
man that all my wit was knocked out of me -- mdash; and so forth and so on,
and got myself away, still mumbling. I didn't wait for breakfast. No grass
grew under my feet. I was soon at the slave quarters. Empty -- mdash;
everybody gone! That is, everybody except one body -- mdash; the
slave-master's. It lay there all battered to pulp; and all about were the
evidences of a terrific fight. There was a rude board coffin on a cart at
the door, and workmen, assisted by the police, were thinning a road through
the gaping crowd in order that they might bring it in.

   I picked out a man humble enough in life to condescend to talk with one
so shabby as I, and got his account of the matter.

   "There were sixteen slaves here. They rose against their master in the
night, and thou seest how it ended."

   "Yes. How did it begin?"
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 355

   "There was no witness but the slaves. They said the slave that was most
valuable got free of his bonds and escaped in some strange way -- mdash; by
magic arts 'twas thought, by reason that he had no key, and the locks were
neither broke nor in any wise injured. When the master discovered his loss,
he was mad with despair, and threw himself upon his people with his heavy
stick, who resisted and brake his back and in other and divers ways did
give him hurts that brought him swiftly to his end."

   "This is dreadful. It will go hard with the slaves, no doubt, upon the
trial."

   "Marry, the trial is over."

   "Over!"

   "Would they be a week, think you -- mdash; and the matter so simple?
They were not the half of a quarter of an hour at it."

   "Why, I don't see how they could determine which were the guilty ones in
so short a time."

   "Which ones? Indeed, they considered not particulars like to that. They
condemned them in a body. Wit ye not the law? -- mdash; which men say the
Romans left behind them here when they went -- mdash; that if one slave
killeth his master all the slaves of that man must die for it."

   "True. I had forgotten. And when will these die?"

   "Belike within a four and twenty hours; albeit some say they will wait a
pair of days more, if peradventure they may find the missing one meantime."

   The missing one! It made me feel uncomfortable.

   "Is it likely they will find him?"

   "Before the day is spent -- mdash; yes. They seek him
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 356

everywhere. They stand at the gates of the town, with certain of the slaves
who will discover him to them if he cometh, and none can pass out but he
will be first examined."

   "Might one see the place where the rest are confined?"

   "The outside of it -- mdash; yes. The inside of it -- mdash; but ye will
not want to see that."

   I took the address of that prison for future reference and then
sauntered off. At the first second-hand clothing shop I came to, up a back
street, I got a rough rig suitable for a common seaman who might be going
on a cold voyage, and bound up my face with a liberal bandage, saying I had
a toothache. This concealed my worst bruises. It was a transformation. I no
longer resembled my former self. Then I struck out for that wire, found it
and followed it to its den. It was a little room over a butcher's shop --
mdash; which meant that business wasn't very brisk in the telegraphic line.
The young chap in charge was drowsing at his table. I locked the door and
put the vast key in my bosom. This alarmed the young fellow, and he was
going to make a noise; but I said:

   "Save your wind; if you open your mouth you are dead, sure. Tackle your
instrument. Lively, now! Call Camelot."

   "This doth amaze me! How should such as you know aught of such matters
as -- mdash; "

   "Call Camelot! I am a desperate man. Call Camelot, or get away from the
instrument and I will do it myself."

   "What -- mdash; you?"
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 357

   "Yes -- mdash; certainly. Stop gabbling. Call the palace."

   He made the call.

   "Now, then, call Clarence."

   "Clarence who?"

   "Never mind Clarence who. Say you want Clarence; you'll get an answer."

   He did so. We waited five nerve-straining minutes -- mdash; ten minutes
-- mdash; how long it did seem! -- mdash; and then came a click that was as
familiar to me as a human voice; for Clarence had been my own pupil.

   "Now, my lad, vacate! They would have known MY touch, maybe, and so your
call was surest; but I'm all right now."

   He vacated the place and cocked his ear to listen -- mdash; but it
didn't win. I used a cipher. I didn't waste any time in sociabilities with
Clarence, but squared away for business, straight-off -- mdash; thus:

   "The king is here and in danger. We were captured and brought here as
slaves. We should not be able to prove our identity -- mdash; and the fact
is, I am not in a position to try. Send a telegram for the palace here
which will carry conviction with it."

   His answer came straight back:

   "They don't know anything about the telegraph; they haven't had any
experience yet, the line to London is so new. Better not venture that. They
might hang you. Think up something else."

   Might hang us! Little he knew how closely he was crowding the facts. I
couldn't think up anything for the moment. Then an idea struck me, and I
started it along:

   "Send five hundred picked knights with Launcelot in the lead; and send
them on the jump. Let them
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 358

enter by the southwest gate, and look out for the man with a white cloth
around his right arm."

   The answer was prompt:

   "They shall start in half an hour."

   "All right, Clarence; now tell this lad here that I'm a friend of yours
and a dead-head; and that he must be discreet and say nothing about this
visit of mine."

   The instrument began to talk to the youth and I hurried away. I fell to
ciphering. In half an hour it would be nine o'clock. Knights and horses in
heavy armor couldn't travel very fast. These would make the best time they
could, and now that the ground was in good condition, and no snow or mud,
they would probably make a seven-mile gait; they would have to change
horses a couple of times; they would arrive about six, or a little after;
it would still be plenty light enough; they would see the white cloth which
I should tie around my right arm, and I would take command. We would
surround that prison and have the king out in no time. It would be showy
and picturesque enough, all things considered, though I would have
preferred noonday, on account of the more theatrical aspect the thing would
have.

   Now, then, in order to increase the strings to my bow, I thought I would
look up some of those people whom I had formerly recognized, and make
myself known. That would help us out of our scrape, without the knights.
But I must proceed cautiously, for it was a risky business. I must get into
sumptuous raiment, and it wouldn't do to run and jump into it. No, I must
work up to it by degrees, buying suit after suit of clothes, in shops wide
apart, and getting a little finer article with each change, until I should
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 359

finally reach silk and velvet, and be ready for my project. So I started.

   But the scheme fell through like scat! The first corner I turned, I came
plump upon one of our slaves, snooping around with a watchman. I coughed at
the moment, and he gave me a sudden look that bit right into my marrow. I
judge he thought he had heard that cough before. I turned immediately into
a shop and worked along down the counter, pricing things and watching out
of the corner of my eye. Those people had stopped, and were talking
together and looking in at the door. I made up my mind to get out the back
way, if there was a back way, and I asked the shopwoman if I could step out
there and look for the escaped slave, who was believed to be in hiding back
there somewhere, and said I was an officer in disguise, and my pard was
yonder at the door with one of the murderers in charge, and would she be
good enough to step there and tell him he needn't wait, but had better go
at once to the further end of the back alley and be ready to head him off
when I rousted him out.

   She was blazing with eagerness to see one of those already celebrated
murderers, and she started on the errand at once. I slipped out the back
way, locked the door behind me, put the key in my pocket and started off,
chuckling to myself and comfortable.

   Well, I had gone and spoiled it again, made another mistake. A double
one, in fact. There were plenty of ways to get rid of that officer by some
simple and plausible device, but no, I must pick out a picturesque one; it
is the crying defect of my character. And then, I had ordered my procedure
upon what the officer,
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 360

being human, would naturally do; whereas when you are least expecting it, a
man will now and then go and do the very thing which it's not natural for
him to do. The natural thing for the officer to do, in this case, was to
follow straight on my heels; he would find a stout oaken door, securely
locked, between him and me; before he could break it down, I should be far
away and engaged in slipping into a succession of baffling disguises which
would soon get me into a sort of raiment which was a surer protection from
meddling law-dogs in Britain than any amount of mere innocence and purity
of character. But instead of doing the natural thing, the officer took me
at my word, and followed my instructions. And so, as I came trotting out of
that cul de sac, full of satisfaction with my own cleverness, he turned the
corner and I walked right into his handcuffs. If I had known it was a cul
de sac -- mdash; however, there isn't any excusing a blunder like that, let
it go. Charge it up to profit and loss.

   Of course, I was indignant, and swore I had just come ashore from a long
voyage, and all that sort of thing -- mdash; just to see, you know, if it
would deceive that slave. But it didn't. He knew me. Then I reproached him
for betraying me. He was more surprised than hurt. He stretched his eyes
wide, and said:

   "What, wouldst have me let thee, of all men, escape and not hang with
us, when thou'rt the very cause of our hanging? Go to!"

   "Go to" was their way of saying "I should smile!" or "I like that!"
Queer talkers, those people.

   Well, there was a sort of bastard justice in his view of the case, and
so I dropped the matter. When you
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 361

can't cure a disaster by argument, what is the use to argue? It isn't my
way. So I only said:

   "You're not going to be hanged. None of us are."

   Both men laughed, and the slave said:

   "Ye have not ranked as a fool -- mdash; before. You might better keep
your reputation, seeing the strain would not be for long."

   "It will stand it, I reckon. Before to-morrow we shall be out of prison,
and free to go where we will, besides."

   The witty officer lifted at his left ear with his thumb, made a rasping
noise in his throat, and said:

   "Out of prison -- mdash; yes -- mdash; ye say true. And free likewise to
go where ye will, so ye wander not out of his grace the Devil's sultry
realm."

   I kept my temper, and said, indifferently:

   "Now I suppose you really think we are going to hang within a day or
two."

   "I thought it not many minutes ago, for so the thing was decided and
proclaimed."

   "Ah, then you've changed your mind, is that it?"

   "Even that. I only thought, then; I know, now."

   I felt sarcastical, so I said:

   "Oh, sapient servant of the law, condescend to tell us, then, what you
know."

   "That ye will all be hanged to-day, at mid-afternoon! Oho! that shot hit
home! Lean upon me."

   The fact is I did need to lean upon somebody. My knights couldn't arrive
in time. They would be as much as three hours too late. Nothing in the
world could save the King of England; nor me, which was more important.
More important, not merely to me, but
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 362

to the nation -- mdash; the only nation on earth standing ready to blossom
into civilization. I was sick. I said no more, there wasn't anything to
say. I knew what the man meant; that if the missing slave was found, the
postponement would be revoked, the execution take place to-day. Well, the
missing slave was found.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 363

                                 Chapter 38

                  SIR LAUNCELOT AND KNIGHTS TO THE RESCUE

   NEARING four in the afternoon. The scene was just outside the walls of
London. A cool, comfortable, superb day, with a brilliant sun; the kind of
day to make one want to live, not die. The multitude was prodigious and
far-reaching; and yet we fifteen poor devils hadn't a friend in it. There
was something painful in that thought, look at it how you might. There we
sat, on our tall scaffold, the butt of the hate and mockery of all those
enemies. We were being made a holiday spectacle. They had built a sort of
grand stand for the nobility and gentry, and these were there in full
force, with their ladies. We recognized a good many of them.

   The crowd got a brief and unexpected dash of diversion out of the king.
The moment we were freed of our bonds he sprang up, in his fantastic rags,
with face bruised out of all recognition, and proclaimed himself Arthur,
King of Britain, and denounced the awful penalties of treason upon every
soul there present if hair of his sacred head were touched. It startled and
surprised him to hear them break into a vast roar of laughter. It wounded
his dignity, and he locked himself up in silence. then, although the crowd
begged him to go on, and tried to provoke him to it by catcalls, jeers, and
shouts of
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 364

   "Let him speak! The king! The king! his humble subjects hunger and
thirst for words of wisdom out of the mouth of their master his Serene and
Sacred Raggedness!"

   But it went for nothing. He put on all his majesty and sat under this
rain of contempt and insult unmoved. He certainly was great in his way.
Absently, I had taken off my white bandage and wound it about my right arm.
When the crowd noticed this, they began upon me. They said:

   "Doubtless this sailor-man is his minister -- mdash; observe his costly
badge of office!"

   I let them go on until they got tired, and then I said:

   "Yes, I am his minister, The Boss; and to-morrow you will hear that from
Camelot which -- mdash; "

   I got no further. They drowned me out with joyous derision. But
presently there was silence; for the sheriffs of London, in their official
robes, with their subordinates, began to make a stir which indicated that
business was about to begin. In the hush which followed, our crime was
recited, the death warrant read, then everybody uncovered while a priest
uttered a prayer.

   Then a slave was blindfolded; the hangman unslung his rope. There lay
the smooth road below us, we upon one side of it, the banked multitude
wailing its other side -- mdash; a good clear road, and kept free by the
police -- mdash; how good it would be to see my five hundred horsemen come
tearing down it! But no, it was out of the possibilities. I followed its
receding thread out into the distance -- mdash; not a horseman on it, or
sign of one.
                                  [Image]

                      Knights practising on the quiet

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 365

   There was a jerk, and the slave hung dangling; dangling and hideously
squirming, for his limbs were not tied.

   A second rope was unslung, in a moment another slave was dangling.

   In a minute a third slave was struggling in the air. It was dreadful. I
turned away my head a moment, and when I turned back I missed the king!
They were blindfolding him! I was paralyzed; I couldn't move, I was
choking, my tongue was petrified. They finished blindfolding him, they led
him under the rope. I couldn't shake off that clinging impotence. But when
I saw them put the noose around his neck, then everything let go in me and
I made a spring to the rescue -- mdash; and as I made it I shot one more
glance abroad -- mdash; by George! here they came, a-tilting! -- mdash;
five hundred mailed and belted knights on bicycles!

   The grandest sight that ever was seen. Lord, how the plumes streamed,
how the sun flamed and flashed from the endless procession of webby wheels!

   I waved my right arm as Launcelot swept in -- mdash; he recognized my
rag -- mdash; I tore away noose and bandage, and shouted:

   "On your knees, every rascal of you, and salute the king! Who fails
shall sup in hell to-night!"

   I always use that high style when I'm climaxing an effect. Well, it was
noble to see Launcelot and the boys swarm up onto that scaffold and heave
sheriffs and such overboard. And it was fine to see that astonished
multitude go down on their knees and beg their lives of the king they had
just been deriding and insulting. And as he stood apart there, receiving
this homage in rags, I thought to myself, well,
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 366

really there isg something peculiarly grand about the gait and bearing of a
king, after all.

   I was immensely satisfied. Take the whole situation all around, it was
one of the gaudiest effects I ever instigated.

   And presently up comes Clarence, his own self! and winks, and says, very
modernly:

   "Good deal of a surprise, wasn't it? I knew you'd like it. I've had the
boys practicing this long time, privately; and just hungry for a chance to
show off."

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 367

                                 Chapter 39

                    THE YANKEE'S FIGHT WITH THE KNIGHTS

   HOME again, at Camelot. A morning or two later I found the paper, damp
from the press, by my plate at the breakfast table. I turned to the
advertising columns, knowing I should find something of personal interest
to me there. It was this:
                                  [Image]

                               DE PAR LE ROI

   DE PAR LE ROI. Know that the great lord and illustrious Kni8ht, SIR
SAGRAMOR LE DESIROUS naving condescended to meet the King's Minister, Hank
Morgan, the which is surnamed The Boss, for satisfgction of offence
anciently given, these wilL engage in the lists by Camelot about the fourth
hour of the morning of the sixteenth day of this next succeeding month. The
battle will be α l'outrance, sith the said offence was of a deadly sort,
admitting of no comPosition. DE PAR LE ROI
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 368

   Clarence's editorial reference to this affair was to this effect:

                                  [Image]

    thdrew. |It will be observed, by a gl7nce at our |our disppointm
work maintained |advertising columns, that the community |Promptly and-
there since, soon|is to be favored with a treat of unusual |two of their
felo
listic have writh|interest in the tournament line. |erlain, and o
oked interest |The names of the artists are warrant of |ers have already
upon the ev n |good enterTainment. The box-office |spoken, you'
ve been m d |will be open at noon of the 13th; admission |furnisned for
oy the an s, |3 cents, reserved seats 5; proceeds |their use,
ent out ch by |to go to the hospital fund The |make and
terian B |and|royal pair and all the Court will be present.|the kind
some young men |With these exceptions, and the |letters
of our under the|press and the clergy, the free list is strictly|of introd
i guidance of the|susended. Parties are hereby warned |duction what
or aid in a known|against buying tickets of speculators; |they are un
ie great enterprise|they will not be good at the door. |ing friends to us
of making pure |Everybodv knows and likes The Boss, |ried, and leave the
esent |everybody knows and likes Sir Sag.; |thotkind words and
wovement had its|come, let us give the lads a good sendoff. |which you, my
joy-
origin in preven|ReMember, the proceeds go to a |hind; and it is a
has ever been a |great and free charity, and one whose |home matter b
sions in our |broad benevolence stretches out its helping |it is our durp
on of Mis- |hand, warm with the blood of a loving |direct them to
other one |heart, to all that suffer, regardless of |now under the
ospel, |race, creed, condition or color -- mdash; the |g field sg as ar
by- |only charity yet established in the earth |These young me
e |which has no politico-religious stopcock |are warm-hearted
The |on its compassion, but says Here |azirl, regions bey
the same |flows the stream, let all come and |not to "build
co represent |drink! Turn out, all hands! fetch along |ond,',and the
ized thirty of -- our doughnuts and your gum-drops |der instructi
eeds and hear-|and have a good time. Pie for sale on |ons of our
hich, years ago!|the grounds, and rocks to crack it with;|another man
esgn was osgan- |and ciRcus-lemonade -- mdash; three drops of |founhati's
on.
ng, the missions,|lime juice to a barrel of water. |ociety, whlch
so that both had|N.B. This is the first tournament |They go un
o withdraw and |under the new law, whidh allow each |say that "inr
much to their |combatant to use any weapon he may prefer. |ionaries to mon
grief, |You may want to make a note of that. |say sending miss
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 369

   Up to the day set, there was no talk in all Britain of anything but this
combat. All other topics sank into insignificance and passed out of men's
thoughts and interest. It was not because a tournament was a great matter,
it was not because Sir Sagramor had found the Holy Grail, for he had not,
but had failed; it was not because the second (official) personage in the
kingdom was one of the duellists; no, all these features were commonplace.
Yet there was abundant reason for the extraordinary interest which this
coming fight was creating. It was born of the fact that all the nation knew
that this was not to be a duel between mere men, so to speak, but a duel
between two mighty magicians; a duel not of muscle but of mind, not of
human skill but of superhuman art and craft; a final struggle for supremacy
between the two master enchanters of the age. It was realized that the most
prodigious achievements of the most renowned knights could not be worthy of
comparison with a spectacle like this; they could be but child's play,
contrasted with this mysterious and awful battle of the gods. Yes, all the
world knew it was going to be in reality a duel between Merlin and me, a
measuring of his magic powers against mine. It was known that Merlin had
been busy whole days and nights together, imbuing Sir Sagramor's arms and
armor with supernal powers of offense and defense, and that he had procured
for him from the spirits of the air a fleecy veil which would render the
wearer invisible to his antagonist while still visible to other men.
Against Sir Sagramor, so weaponed and protected, a thousand knights could
accomplish nothing; against him no known enchantments could prevail. These
facts were sure;
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 370

regarding them there was no doubt, no reason for doubt. There was but one
question: might there be still other enchantments, unknown to Merlin, which
could render Sir Sagramor's veil transparent to me, and make his enchanted
mail vulnerable to my weapons? This was the one thing to be decided in the
lists. Until then the world must remain in suspense.

   So the world thought there was a vast matter at stake here, and the
world was right, but it was not the one they had in their minds. No, a far
vaster one was upon the cast of this die: the life of knight-errantry. I
was a champion, it was true, but not the champion of the frivolous black
arts, I was the champion of hard unsentimental common-sense and reason. I
was entering the lists to either destroy knight-errantry or be its victim.

   Vast as the show-grounds were, there were no vacant spaces in them
outside of the lists, at ten o'clock on the morning of the 16th. The
mammoth grand-stand was clothed in flags, streamers, and rich tapestries,
and packed with several acres of small-fry tributary kings, their suites,
and the British aristocracy; with our own royal gang in the chief place,
and each and every individual a flashing prism of gaudy silks and velvets
-- mdash; well, I never saw anything to begin with it but a fight between
an Upper Mississippi sunset and the aurora borealis. The huge camp of
beflagged and gay-colored tents at one end of the lists, with a
stiff-standing sentinel at every door and a shining shield hanging by him
for challenge, was another fine sight. You see, every knight was there who
had any ambition or any caste feeling; for my feeling toward their order
was not much of a secret, and so here was their chance.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 371

If I won my fight with Sir Sagramor, others would have the right to call me
out as long as I might be willing to respond.

   Down at our end there were but two tents; one for me, and another for my
servants. At the appointed hour the king made a sign, and the heralds, in
their tabards, appeared and made proclamation, naming the combatants and
stating the cause of quarrel. There was a pause, then a ringing
bugle-blast, which was the signal for us to come forth. All the multitude
caught their breath, and an eager curiosity flashed into every face.

   Out from his tent rode great Sir Sagramor, an imposing tower of iron,
stately and rigid, his huge spear standing upright in its socket and
grasped in his strong hand, his grand horse's face and breast cased in
steel, his body clothed in rich trappings that almost dragged the ground --
mdash; oh, a most noble picture. A great shout went up, of welcome and
admiration.

   And then out I came. But I didn't get any shout. There was a wondering
and eloquent silence for a moment, then a great wave of laughter began to
sweep along that human sea, but a warning bugle-blast cut its career short.
I was in the simplest and comfortablest of gymnast costumes -- mdash;
flesh-colored tights from neck to heel, with blue silk puffings about my
loins, and bareheaded. My horse was not above medium size, but he was
alert, slender-limbed, muscled with watch-springs, and just a greyhound to
go. He was a beauty, glossy as silk, and naked as he was when he was born,
except for bridle and ranger-saddle.

   The iron tower and the gorgeous bedquilt came cumbrously but gracefully
pirouetting down the lists,
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 372

and we tripped lightly up to meet them. We halted; the tower saluted, I
responded; then we wheeled and rode side by side to the grand-stand and
faced our king and queen, to whom we made obeisance. The queen exclaimed:

   "Alack, Sir Boss, wilt fight naked, and without lance or sword or --
mdash; "

   But the king checked her and made her understand, with a polite phrase
or two, that this was none of her business. The bugles rang again; and we
separated and rode to the ends of the lists, and took position. Now old
Merlin stepped into view and cast a dainty web of gossamer threads over Sir
Sagramor which turned him into Hamlet's ghost; the king made a sign, the
bugles blew, Sir Sagramor laid his great lance in rest, and the next moment
here he came thundering down the course with his veil flying out behind,
and I went whistling through the air like an arrow to meet him -- mdash;
cocking my ear the while, as if noting the invisible knight's position and
progress by hearing, not sight. A chorus of encouraging shouts burst out
for him, and one brave voice flung out a heartening word for me -- mdash;
said:

   "Go it, slim Jim!"

   It was an even bet that Clarence had procured that favor for me --
mdash; and furnished the language, too. When that formidable lance-point
was within a yard and a half of my breast I twitched my horse aside without
an effort, and the big knight swept by, scoring a blank. I got plenty of
applause that time. We turned, braced up, and down we came again. Another
blank for the knight, a roar of applause for me. This same thing was
repeated once more; and it fetched such a
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 373

whirlwind of applause that Sir Sagramor lost his temper, and at once
changed his tactics and set himself the task of chasing me down. Why, he
hadn't any show in the world at that; it was a game of tag, with all the
advantage on my side; I whirled out of his path with ease whenever I chose,
and once I slapped him on the back as I went to the rear. Finally I took
the chase into my own hands; and after that, turn, or twist, or do what he
would, he was never able to get behind me again; he found himself always in
front at the end of his maneuver. So he gave up that business and retired
to his end of the lists. His temper was clear gone now, and he forgot
himself and flung an insult at me which disposed of mine. I slipped my
lasso from the horn of my saddle, and grasped the coil in my right hand.
This time you should have seen him come! -- mdash; it was a business trip,
sure; by his gait there was blood in his eye. I was sitting my horse at
ease, and swinging the great loop of my lasso in wide circles about my
head; the moment he was under way, I started for him; when the space
between us had narrowed to forty feet, I sent the snaky spirals of the rope
a-cleaving through the air, then darted aside and faced about and brought
my trained animal to a halt with all his feet braced under him for a surge.
The next moment the rope sprang taut and yanked Sir Sagramor out of the
saddle! Great Scott, but there was a sensation!

   Unquestionably, the popular thing in this world is novelty. These people
had never seen anything of that cowboy business before, and it carried them
clear off their feet with delight. From all around and everywhere, the
shout went up:

   "Encore! encore!"
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 374

   I wondered where they got the word, but there was no time to cipher on
philological matters, because the whole knight-errantry hive was just
humming now, and my prospect for trade couldn't have been better. The
moment my lasso was released and Sir Sagramor had been assisted to his
tent, I hauled in the slack, took my station and began to swing my loop
around my head again. I was sure to have use for it as soon as they could
elect a successor for Sir Sagramor, and that couldn't take long where there
were so many hungry candidates. Indeed, they elected one straight off --
mdash; Sir Hervis de Revel.

   Bzz! Here he came, like a house afire; I dodged: he passed like a flash,
with my horse-hair coils settling around his neck; a second or so later,
fst his saddle was empty.

   I got another encore; and another, and another, and still another. When
I had snaked five men out, things began to look serious to the ironclads,
and they stopped and consulted together. As a result, they decided that it
was time to waive etiquette and send their greatest and best against me. To
the astonishment of that little world, I lassoed Sir Lamorak de Galis, and
after him Sir Galahad. So you see there was simply nothing to be done now,
but play their right bower -- mdash; bring out the superbest of the superb,
the mightiest of the mighty, the great Sir Launcelot himself!

   A proud moment for me? I should think so. Yonder was Arthur, King of
Britain; yonder was Guenever; yes, and whole tribes of little provincial
kings and kinglets; and in the tented camp yonder, renowned knights from
many lands; and likewise the
                                  [Image]

                  Great Scott! But there was a sensation!

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 375

selectest body known to chivalry, the Knights of the Table Round, the most
illustrious in Christendom; and biggest fact of all, the very sun of their
shining system was yonder couching his lance, the focal point of forty
thousand adoring eyes; and all by myself, here was I laying for him. Across
my mind flitted the dear image of a certain hello-girl of West Hartford,
and I wished she could see me now. In that moment, down came the
Invincible, with the rush of a whirlwind -- mdash; the courtly world rose
to its feet and bent forward -- mdash; the fateful coils went circling
through the air, and before you could wink I was towing Sir Launcelot
across the field on his back, and kissing my hand to the storm of waving
kerchiefs and the thunder-crash of applause that greeted me!

   Said I to myself, as I coiled my lariat and hung it on my saddle-horn,
and sat there drunk with glory, "The victory is perfect -- mdash; no other
will venture against me -- mdash; knight-errantry is dead." Now imagine my
astonishment -- mdash; and everybody else's, too -- mdash; to hear the
peculiar bugle-call which announces that another competitor is about to
enter the lists! There was a mystery here; I couldn't account for this
thing. Next, I noticed Merlin gliding away from me; and then I noticed that
my lasso was gone! The old sleight-of-hand expert had stolen it, sure, and
slipped it under his robe.

   The bugle blew again. I looked, and down came Sagramor riding again,
with his dust brushed off and is veil nicely re-arranged. I trotted up to
meet him, and pretended to find him by the sound of his horse's hoofs. He
said:

   "Thou'rt quick of ear, but it will not save thee from
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 376

this!" and he touched the hilt of his great sword . "An ye are not able to
see it, because of the influence of the veil, know that it is no cumbrous
lance, but a sword -- mdash; and I ween ye will not be able to avoid it."

   His visor was up; there was death in his smile. I should never be able
to dodge his sword, that was plain. Somebody was going to die this time. If
he got the drop on me, I could name the corpse. We rode forward together,
and saluted the royalties. This time the king was disturbed. He said:

   "Where is thy strange weapon?"

   "It is stolen, sire."

   "Hast another at hand?"

   "No, sire, I brought only the one."

   Then Merlin mixed in:

   "He brought but the one because there was but the one to bring. There
exists none other but that one. It belongeth to the king of the Demons of
the Sea. This man is a pretender, and ignorant, else he had known that that
weapon can be used in but eight bouts only, and then it vanisheth away to
its home under the sea."

   "Then is he weaponless," said the king. "Sir Sagramore, ye will grant
him leave to borrow."

   "And I will lend!" said Sir Launcelot, limping up. "He is as brave a
knight of his hands as any that be on live, and he shall have mine."

   He put his hand on his sword to draw it, but Sir Sagramor said:

   "Stay, it may not be. He shall fight with his own weapons; it was his
privilege to choose them and bring them. If he has erred, on his head be
it."

   "Knight!" said the king. "Thou'rt overwrought
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 377

with passion; it disorders thy mind. Wouldst kill a naked man?"

   "An he do it, he shall answer it to me," said Sir Launcelot.

   "I will answer it to any he that desireth!" retorted Sir Sagramor hotly.

   Merlin broke in, rubbing his hands and smiling his lowdownest smile of
malicious gratification:

   "'Tis well said, right well said! And 'tis enough of parleying, let my
lord the king deliver the battle signal."

   The king had to yield. The bugle made proclamation, and we turned apart
and rode to our stations. There we stood, a hundred yards apart, facing
each other, rigid and motionless, like horsed statues. And so we remained,
in a soundless hush, as much as a full minute, everybody gazing, nobody
stirring. It seemed as if the king could not take heart to give the signal.
But at last he lifted his hand, the clear note of the bugle followed, Sir
Sagramor's long blade described a flashing curve in the air, and it was
superb to see him come. I sat still. On he came. I did not move. People got
so excited that they shouted to me:

   "Fly, fly! Save thyself! This is murther!"

   I never budged so much as an inch till that thunderng apparition had got
within fifteen paces of me; then I snatched a dragoon revolver out of my
holster, there was a flash and a roar, and the revolver was back in the
holster before anybody could tell what had happened.

   Here was a riderless horse plunging by, and yonder lay Sir Sagramor,
stone dead.

   The people that ran to him were stricken dumb to
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 378

find that the life was actually gone out of the man and no reason for it
visible, no hurt upon his body, nothing like a wound. There was a hole
through the breast of his chain-mail, but they attached no importance to a
little thing like that; and as a bullet wound there produces but little
blood, none came in sight because of the clothing and swaddlings under the
armor. The body was dragged over to let the king and the swells look down
upon it. They were stupefied with astonishment naturally. I was requested
to come and explain the miracle. But I remained in my tracks, like a
statue, and said:

   "If it is a command, I will come, but my lord the king knows that I am
where the laws of combat require me to remain while any desire to come
against me."

   I waited. Nobody challenged. Then I said:

   "If there are any who doubt that this field is well and fairly won, I do
not wait for them to challenge me, I challenge them."

   "It is a gallant offer," said the king, "and well beseems you. Whom will
you name first?"

   "I name none, I challenge all! Here I stand, and dare the chivalry of
England to come against me -- mdash; not by individuals, but in mass!"

   "What!" shouted a score of knights.

   "You have heard the challenge. Take it, or I proclaim you recreant
knights and vanquished, every one!"

   It was a "bluff" you know. At such a time it is sound judgment to put on
a bold face and play your hand for a hundred times what it is worth;
forty-nine times out of fifty nobody dares to "call," and you rake in the
chips. But just this once -- mdash; well, things
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 379

looked squally! In just no time, five hundred knights were scrambling into
their saddles, and before you could wink a widely scattering drove were
under way and clattering down upon me. I snatched both revolvers from the
holsters and began to measure distances and calculate chances.

   Bang! One saddle empty. Bang! another one. Bang -- mdash; bang, and I
bagged two. Well, it was nip and tuck with us, and I knew it. If I spent
the eleventh shot without convincing these people, the twelfth man would
kill me, sure. And so I never did feel so happy as I did when my ninth
downed its man and I detected the wavering in the crowd which is
premonitory of panic. An instant lost now could knock out my last chance.
But I didn't lose it. I raised both revolvers and pointed them -- mdash;
the halted host stood their ground just about one good square moment, then
broke and fled.

   The day was mine. Knight-errantry was a doomed institution. The march of
civilization was begun. How did I feel? Ah, you never could imagine it.

   And Brer Merlin? His stock was flat again. Somehow, every time the magic
of fol-de-rol tried conclusions with the magic of science, the magic of
fol-de-rol got left.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 380

                                 Chapter 40

                             THREE YEARS LATER

   WHEN I broke the back of knight-errantry that time, I no longer felt
obliged to work in secret. So, the very next day I exposed my hidden
schools, my mines, and my vast system of clandestine factories and
workshops to an astonished world. That is to say, I exposed the nineteenth
century to the inspection of the sixth.

   Well, it is always a good plan to follow up an advantage promptly. The
knights were temporarily down, but if I would keep them so I must just
simply paralyze them -- mdash; nothing short of that would answer. You see,
I was "bluffing" that last time in the field; it would be natural for them
to work around to that conclusion, if I gave them a chance. So I must not
give them time; and I didn't.

   I renewed my challenge, engraved it on brass, posted it up where any
priest could read it to them, and also kept it standing in the advertising
columns of the paper.

   I not only renewed it, but added to its proportions. I said, name the
day, and I would take fifty assistants and stand up against the massed
chivalry of the whole earth and destroy it.

   I was not bluffing this time. I meant what I said;
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 381

I could do what I promised. There wasn't any way to misunderstand the
language of that challenge. Even the dullest of the chivalry perceived that
this was a plain case of "put up, or shut up." They were wise and did the
latter. In all the next three years they gave me no trouble worth
mentioning.

   Consider the three years sped. Now look around on England. A happy and
prosperous country, and strangely altered. Schools everywhere, and several
colleges; a number of pretty good newspapers. Even authorship was taking a
start; Sir Dinadan the Humorist was first in the field, with a volume of
gray-headed jokes which I had been familiar with during thirteen centuries.
If he had left out that old rancid one about the lecturer I wouldn't have
said anything; but I couldn't stand that one. I suppressed the book and
hanged the author.

   Slavery was dead and gone; all men were equal before the law; taxation
had been equalized. The telegraph, the telephone, the phonograph, the
typewriter, the sewing-machine, and all the thousand willing and handy
servants of steam and electricity were working their way into favor. We had
a steamboat or two on the Thames, we had steam warships, and the beginnings
of a steam commercial marine; I was getting ready to send out an expedition
to discover America.

   We were building several lines of railway, and our line from Camelot to
London was already finished and in operation. I was shrewd enough to make
all offices connected with the passenger service places of high and
distinguished honor. My idea was to attract the chivalry and nobility, and
make them useful and keep
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 382

them out of mischief. The plan worked very well, the competition for the
places was hot. The conductor of the 4.33 express was a duke; there wasn't
a passenger conductor on the line below the degree of earl. They were good
men, every one, but they had two defects which I couldn't cure, and so had
to wink at: they wouldn't lay aside their armor, and they would "knock
down" fare -- mdash; I mean rob the company.

   There was hardly a knight in all the land who wasn't in some useful
employment. They were going from end to end of the country in all manner of
useful missionary capacities; their penchant for wandering, and their
experience in it, made them altogether the most effective spreaders of
civilization we had. They went clothed in steel and equipped with sword and
lance and battle-axe, and if they couldn't persuade a person to try a
sewing-machine on the installment plan, or a melodeon, or a barbed-wire
fence, or a prohibition journal, or any of the other thousand and one
things they canvassed for, they removed him and passed on.

   I was very happy. Things were working steadily toward a secretly
longed-for point. You see, I had two schemes in my head which were the
vastest of all my projects. The one was to overthrow the Catholic Church
and set up the Protestant faith on its ruins -- mdash; not as an
Established Church, but a go-as-you-please one; and the other project was
to get a decree issued by and by, commanding that upon Arthur's death
unlimited suffrage should be introduced, and given to men and women alike
-- mdash; at any rate to all men, wise or unwise, and to all mothers who at
middle age should be found to know nearly as much as
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 383

their sons at twenty-one. Arthur was good for thirty years yet, he being
about my own age -- mdash; that is to say, forty -- mdash; and I believed
that in that time I could easily have the active part of the population of
that day ready and eager for an event which should be the first of its kind
in the history of the world -- mdash; a rounded and complete governmental
revolution without bloodshed. The result to be a republic. Well, I may as
well confess, though I do feel ashamed when I think of it: I was beginning
to have a base hankering to be its first president myself. Yes, there was
more or less human nature in me; I found that out.

   Clarence was with me as concerned the revolution, but in a modified way.
His idea was a republic, without privileged orders, but with a hereditary
royal family at the head of it instead of an elective chief magistrate. He
believed that no nation that had ever known the joy of worshiping a royal
family could ever be robbed of it and not fade away and die of melancholy.
I urged that kings were dangerous. He said, then have cats. He was sure
that a royal family of cats would answer every purpose. They would be as
useful as any other royal family, they would know as much, they would have
the same virtues and the same treacheries, the same disposition to get up
shindies with other royal cats, they would be laughably vain and absurd and
never know it, they would be wholly inexpensive; finally, they would have
as sound a divine right as any other royal house, and "Tom VII., or Tom
XI., or Tom XIV. by the grace of God King," would sound as well as it would
when applied to the ordinary royal tomcat with tights on. "And as a rule,"
said he, in his neat modern English, "the
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 384

character of these cats would be considerably above the character of the
average king, and this would be an immense moral advantage to the nation,
for the reason that a nation always models its morals after its monarch's.
The worship of royalty being founded in unreason, these graceful and
harmless cats would easily become as sacred as any other royalties, and
indeed more so, because it would presently be noticed that they hanged
nobody, beheaded nobody, imprisoned nobody, inflicted no cruelties or
injustices of any sort, and so must be worthy of a deeper love and
reverence than the customary human king, and would certainly get it. The
eyes of the whole harried world would soon be fixed upon this humane and
gentle system, and royal butchers would presently begin to disappear; their
subjects would fill the vacancies with catlings from our own royal house;
we should become a factory; we should supply the thrones of the world;
within forty years all Europe would be governed by cats, and we should
furnish the cats. The reign of universal peace would begin then, to end no
more forever...... Me-e-e-yow-ow-ow-ow -- mdash; fzt! -- mdash; wow!"

   Hang him, I supposed he was in earnest, and was beginning to be
persuaded by him, until he exploded that cat-howl and startled me almost
out of my clothes. But he never could be in earnest. He didn't know what it
was. He had pictured a distinct and perfectly rational and feasible
improvement upon constitutional monarchy, but he was too feather-headed to
know it, or care anything about it, either. I was going to give him a
scolding, but Sandy came flying in at that moment, wild with terror, and so
choked with sobs that
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 385

for a minute she could not get her voice. I ran and took her in my arms,
and lavished caresses upon her and said, beseechingly:

   "Speak, darling, speak! What is it?"

   Her head fell limp upon my bosom, and she gasped, almost inaudibly:

   "HELLO-CENTRAL!"

   "Quick!" I shouted to Clarence; "telephone the king's homeopath to
come!"

   In two minutes I was kneeling by the child's crib, and Sandy was
dispatching servants here, there, and everywhere, all over the palace. I
took in the situation almost at a glance -- mdash; membranous croup! I bent
down and whispered:

   "Wake up, sweetheart! Hello-Central"

   She opened her soft eyes languidly, and made out to say:

   "Papa."

   That was a comfort. She was far from dead yet. I sent for preparations
of sulphur, I rousted out the croup-kettle myself; for I don't sit down and
wait for doctors when Sandy or the child is sick. I knew how to nurse both
of them, and had had experience. This little chap had lived in my arms a
good part of its small life, and often I could soothe away its troubles and
get it to laugh through the tear-dews on its eyelashes when even its mother
couldn't.

   Sir Launcelot, in his richest armor, came striding along the great hall
now on his way to the stock-board; he was president of the stock-board, and
occupied the Siege Perilous, which he had bought of Sir Galahad; for the
stock-board consisted of the Knights of the Round Table, and they used the
Round Table
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 386

for business purposes now. Seats at it were worth -- mdash; well, you would
never believe the figure, so it is no use to state it. Sir Launcelot was a
bear, and he had put up a corner in one of the new lines, and was just
getting ready to squeeze the shorts to-day; but what of that? He was the
same old Launcelot, and when he glanced in as he was passing the door and
found out that his pet was sick, that was enough for him; bulls and bears
might fight it out their own way for all him, he would come right in here
and stand by little Hello-Central for all he was worth. And that was what
he did. He shied his helmet into the corner, and in half a minute he had a
new wick in the alcohol lamp and was firing up on the croup-kettle. By this
time Sandy had built a blanket canopy over the crib, and everything was
ready.

   Sir Launcelot got up steam, he and I loaded up the kettle with unslaked
lime and carbolic acid, with a touch of lactic acid added thereto, then
filled the thing up with water and inserted the steam-spout under the
canopy. Everything was ship-shape now, and we sat down on either side of
the crib to stand our watch. Sandy was so grateful and so comforted that
she charged a couple of church-wardens with willow-bark and sumach-tobacco
for us, and told us to smoke as much as we pleased, it couldn't get under
the canopy, and she was used to smoke, being the first lady in the land who
had ever seen a cloud blown. Well, there couldn't be a more contented or
comfortable sight than Sir Launcelot in his noble armor sitting in gracious
serenity at the end of a yard of snowy church-warden. He was a beautiful
man, a lovely man, and was just intended to make a wife and children happy.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 387

But, of course, Guenever -- mdash; however, it's no use to cry over what's
done and can't be helped.

   Well, he stood watch-and-watch with me, right straight through, for
three days and nights, till the child was out of danger; then he took her
up in his great arms and kissed her, with his plumes falling about her
golden head, then laid her softly in Sandy's lap again and took his stately
way down the vast hall, between the ranks of admiring men-at-arms and
menials, and so disappeared. And no instinct warned me that I should never
look upon him again in this world! Lord, what a world of heart-break it is.

   The doctors said we must take the child away, if we would coax her back
to health and strength again. And she must have sea-air. So we took a
man-of-war, and a suite of two hundred and sixty persons, and went cruising
about, and after a fortnight of this we stepped ashore on the French coast,
and the doctors thought it would be a good idea to make something of a stay
there. The little king of that region offered us his hospitalities, and we
were glad to accept. If he had had as many conveniences as he lacked, we
should have been plenty comfortable enough; even as it was, we made out
very well, in his queer old castle, by the help of comforts and luxuries
from the ship.

   At the end of a month I sent the vessel home for fresh supplies, and for
news. We expected her back in three or four days. She would bring me, along
with other news, the result of a certain experiment which I had been
starting. It was a project of mine to replace the tournament with something
which might furnish an escape for the extra steam of the chivalry,
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 388

keep those bucks entertained and out of mischief, and at the same time
preserve the best thing in them, which was their hardy spirit of emulation.
I had had a choice band of them in private training for some time, and the
date was now arriving for their first public effort.

   This experiment was baseball. In order to give the thing vogue from the
start, and place it out of the reach of criticism, I chose my nines by
rank, not capacity. There wasn't a knight in either team who wasn't a
sceptered sovereign. As for material of this sort, there was a glut of it
always around Arthur. You couldn't throw a brick in any direction and not
cripple a king. Of course, I couldn't get these people to leave off their
armor; they wouldn't do that when they bathed. They consented to
differentiate the armor so that a body could tell one team from the other,
but that was the most they would do. So, one of the teams wore chain-mail
ulsters, and the other wore plate-armor made of my new Bessemer steel.
Their practice in the field was the most fantastic thing I ever saw. Being
ball-proof, they never skipped out of the way, but stood still and took the
result; when a Bessemer was at the bat and a ball hit him, it would bound a
hundred and fifty yards sometimes. And when a man was running, and threw
himself on his stomach to slide to his base, it was like an iron-clad
coming into port. At first I appointed men of no rank to act as umpires,
but I had to discontinue that. These people were no easier to please than
other nines. The umpire's first decision was usually his last; they broke
him in two with a bat, and his friends toted him home on a shutter. When it
was noticed that no
                                  [Image]

                          So we took a Man-of-war

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 389

umpire ever survived a game, umpiring got to be unpopular. So I was obliged
to appoint somebody whose rank and lofty position under the government
would protect him.

   Here are the names of the nines:

                                 BESSEMERS

*KING ARTHUR.
*KING LOT OF LOTHIAN.
*KING OF NORTHGALIS.
*KING MARSIL.
*KING OF LITTLE BRITAIN.
*KING LABOR.
*KING PELLAM OF LISTENGESE.
*KING BAGDEMAGUS.
*KING TOLLEME LA FEINTES.

                                  ULSTERS

*EMPEROR LUCIUS.
*KING LOGRIS.
*KING MARHALT OF IRELAND.
*KING MORGANORE.
*KING MARK OF CORNWALL.
*KING NENTRES OF GARLOT.
*KING MELIODAS OF LIONES.
*KING OF THE LAKE.
*THE SOWDAN OF SYRIA.

*Umpire -- mdash; CLARENCE.

   The first public game would certainly draw fifty thousand people; and
for solid fun would be worth going around the world to see. Everything
would be favorable; it was balmy and beautiful spring weather now, and
Nature was all tailored out in her new clothes.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 390

                                 Chapter 41

                               THE INTERDICT

   HOWEVER, my attention was suddenly snatched from such matters; our child
began to lose ground again, and we had to go to sitting up with her, her
case became so serious. We couldn't bear to allow anybody to help in this
service, so we two stood watch-and-watch, day in and day out. Ah, Sandy,
what a right heart she had, how simple, and genuine, and good she was! She
was a flawless wife and mother; and yet I had married her for no other
particular reasons, except that by the customs of chivalry she was my
property until some knight should win her from me in the field. She had
hunted Britain over for me; had found me at the hanging-bout outside of
London, and had straightway resumed her old place at my side in the
placidest way and as of right. I was a New Englander, and in my opinion
this sort of partnership would compromise her, sooner or later. She
couldn't see how, but I cut argument short and we had a wedding.

   Now I didn't know I was drawing a prize, yet that was what I did draw.
Within the twelvemonth I became her worshiper; and ours was the dearest and
perfectest comradeship that ever was. People talk about beautiful
friendships between two persons of the
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 391

same sex. What is the best of that sort, as compared with the friendship of
man and wife, where the best impulses and highest ideals of both are the
same? There is no place for comparison between the two friendships; the one
is earthly, the other divine.

   In my dreams, along at first, I still wandered thirteen centuries away,
and my unsatisfied spirit went calling and harking all up and down the
unreplying vacancies of a vanished world. Many a time Sandy heard that
imploring cry come from my lips in my sleep. With a grand magnanimity she
saddled that cry of mine upon our child, conceiving it to be the name of
some lost darling of mine. It touched me to tears, and it also nearly
knocked me off my feet, too, when she smiled up in my face for an earned
reward, and played her quaint and pretty surprise upon me:

   "The name of one who was dear to thee is here preserved, here made holy,
and the music of it will abide alway in our ears. Now thou'lt kiss me, as
knowing the name I have given the child."

   But I didn't know it, all the same. I hadn't an idea in the world; but
it would have been cruel to confess it and spoil her pretty game; so I
never let on, but said:

   "Yes, I know, sweetheart -- mdash; how dear and good it is of you, too!
But I want to hear these lips of yours, which are also mine, utter it first
-- mdash; then its music will be perfect."

   Pleased to the marrow, she murmured:

   "HELLO-CENTRAL!"

   I didn't laugh -- mdash; I am always thankful for that -- mdash; but the
strain ruptured every cartilage in me, and for weeks afterward I could hear
my bones clack when I walked.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 392

She never found out her mistake. The first time she heard that form of
salute used at the telephone she was surprised, and not pleased; but I told
her I had given order for it: that henceforth and forever the telephone
must always be invoked with that reverent formality, in perpetual honor and
remembrance of my lost friend and her small namesake. This was not true.
But it answered.

   Well, during two weeks and a half we watched by the crib, and in our
deep solicitude we were unconscious of any world outside of that sick-room.
Then our reward came: the center of the universe turned the corner and
began to mend. Grateful? It isn't the term. There isn't any term for it.
You know that yourself, if you've watched your child through the Valley of
the Shadow and seen it come back to life and sweep night out of the earth
with one all-illuminating smile that you could cover with your hand.

   Why, we were back in this world in one instant! Then we looked the same
startled thought into each other's eyes at the same moment; more than two
weeks gone, and that ship not back yet!

   In another minute I appeared in the presence of my train. They had been
steeped in troubled bodings all this time -- mdash; their faces showed it.
I called an escort and we galloped five miles to a hilltop overlooking the
sea. Where was my great commerce that so lately had made these glistening
expanses populous and beautiful with its white-winged flocks? Vanished,
every one! Not a sail, from verge to verge, not a smoke-bank -- mdash; just
a dead and empty solitude, in place of all that brisk and breezy life.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 393

   I went swiftly back, saying not a word to anybody. I told Sandy this
ghastly news. We could imagine no explanation that would begin to explain.
Had there been an invasion? an earthquake? a pestilence? Had the nation
been swept out of existence? But guessing was profitless. I must go --
mdash; at once. I borrowed the king's navy -- mdash; a "ship" no bigger
than a steam launch -- mdash; and was soon ready.

   The parting -- mdash; ah, yes, that was hard. As I was devouring the
child with last kisses, it brisked up and jabbered out its vocabulary! --
mdash; the first time in more than two weeks, and it made fools of us for
joy. The darling mispronunciations of childhood! -- mdash; dear me, there's
no music that can touch it; and how one grieves when it wastes away and
dissolves into correctness, knowing it will never visit his bereaved ear
again. Well, how good it was to be able to carry that gracious memory away
with me!

   I approached England the next morning, with the wide highway of salt
water all to myself. There were ships in the harbor, at Dover, but they
were naked as to sails, and there was no sign of life about them. It was
Sunday; yet at Canterbury the streets were empty; strangest of all, there
was not even a priest in sight, and no stroke of a bell fell upon my ear.
The mournfulness of death was everywhere. I couldn't understand it. At
last, in the further edge of that town I saw a small funeral procession --
mdash; just a family and a few friends following a coffin -- mdash; no
priest; a funeral without bell, book, or candle; there was a church there
close at hand, but they passed it by weeping, and did not enter it; I
glanced up at the belfry, and there hung the bell, shrouded in black, and
its tongue
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 394

tied back. Now I knew! Now I understood the stupendous calamity that had
overtaken England. Invasion? Invasion is a triviality to it. It was the
interdict!

   I asked no questions; I didn't need to ask any. The Church had struck;
the thing for me to do was to get into a disguise, and go warily. One of my
servants gave me a suit of clothes, and when we were safe beyond the town I
put them on, and from that time I traveled alone; I could not risk the
embarrassment of company.

   A miserable journey. A desolate silence everywhere. Even in London
itself. Traffic had ceased; men did not talk or laugh, or go in groups, or
even in couples; they moved aimlessly about, each man by himself, with his
head down, and woe and terror at his heart. The Tower showed recent
war-scars. Verily, much had been happening.

   Of course, I meant to take the train for Camelot. Train! Why, the
station was as vacant as a cavern. I moved on. The journey to Camelot was a
repetition of what I had already seen. The Monday and the Tuesday differed
in no way from the Sunday. I arrived far in the night. From being the best
electric-lighted town in the kingdom and the most like a recumbent sun of
anything you ever saw, it was become simply a blot -- mdash; a blot upon
darkness -- mdash; that is to say, it was darker and solider than the rest
of the darkness, and so you could see it a little better; it made me feel
as if maybe it was symbolical -- mdash; a sort of sign that the Church was
going to keep the upper hand now, and snuff out all my beautiful
civilization just like that. I found no life stirring in the somber
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 395

streets. I groped my way with a heavy heart. The vast castle loomed black
upon the hilltop, not a spark visible about it. The drawbridge was down,
the great gate stood wide, I entered without challenge, my own heels making
the only sound I heard -- mdash; and it was sepulchral enough, in those
huge vacant courts.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 396

                                 Chapter 42

                                    WAR!

   I FOUND Clarence alone in his quarters, drowned in melancholy; and in
place of the electric light, he had reinstituted the ancient rag-lamp, and
sat there in a grisly twilight with all curtains drawn tight. He sprang up
and rushed for me eagerly, saying:

   "Oh, it's worth a billion milrays to look upon a live person again!"

   He knew me as easily as if I hadn't been disguised at all. Which
frightened me; one may easily believe that.

   "Quick, now, tell me the meaning of this fearful disaster," I said. "How
did it come about?"

   "Well, if there hadn't been any Queen Guenever, it wouldn't have come so
early; but it would have come, anyway. It would have come on your own
account by and by; by luck, it happened to come on the queen's."

   "And Sir Launcelot's?"

   "Just so."

   "Give me the details."

   "I reckon you will grant that during some years there has been only one
pair of eyes in these kingdoms that has not been looking steadily askance
at the queen and Sir Launcelot -- mdash; "
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 397

   "Yes, King Arthur's."

   " -- mdash; and only one heart that was without suspicion -- mdash; "

   "Yes -- mdash; the king's; a heart that isn't capable of thinking evil
of a friend."

   "Well, the king might have gone on, still happy and unsuspecting, to the
end of his days, but for one of your modern improvements -- mdash; the
stock-board. When you left, three miles of the London, Canterbury and Dover
were ready for the rails, and also ready and ripe for manipulation in the
stock-market. It was wildcat, and everybody knew it. The stock was for sale
at a give-away. What does Sir Launcelot do, but -- mdash; "

   "Yes, I know; he quietly picked up nearly all of it for a song; then he
bought about twice as much more, deliverable upon call; and he was about to
call when I left."

   "Very well, he did call. The boys couldn't deliver. Oh, he had them --
mdash; and he just settled his grip and squeezed them. They were laughing
in their sleeves over their smartness in selling stock to him at 15 and 16
and along there that wasn't worth 10. Well, when they had laughed long
enough on that side of their mouths, they rested-up that side by shifting
the laugh to the other side. That was when they compromised with the
Invincible at 283!"

   "Good land!"

   "He skinned them alive, and they deserved it -- mdash; anyway, the whole
kingdom rejoiced. Well, among the flayed were Sir Agravaine and Sir
Mordred, nephews to the king. End of the first act. Act second, scene
first, an apartment in Carlisle castle, where the court had gone for a few
days' hunting. Persons present,
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 398

the whole tribe of the king's nephews. Mordred and Agravaine propose to
call the guileless Arthur's attention to Guenever and Sir Launcelot. Sir
Gawaine, Sir Gareth, and Sir Gaheris will have nothing to do with it. A
dispute ensues, with loud talk; in the midst of it enter the king. Mordred
and Agravaine spring their devastating tale upon him. Tableau. A trap is
laid for Launcelot, by the king's command, and Sir Launcelot walks into it.
He made it sufficiently uncomfortable for the ambushed witnesses -- mdash;
to wit, Mordred, Agravaine, and twelve knights of lesser rank, for he
killed every one of them but Mordred; but of course that couldn't
straighten matters between Launcelot and the king, and didn't."

   "Oh, dear, only one thing could result -- mdash; I see that. War, and
the knights of the realm divided into a king's party and a Sir Launcelot's
party."

   "Yes -- mdash; that was the way of it. The king sent the queen to the
stake, proposing to purify her with fire. Launcelot and his knights rescued
her, and in doing it slew certain good old friends of yours and mine --
mdash; in fact, some of the best we ever had; to wit, Sir Belias le
Orgulous, Sir Segwarides, Sir Griflet le Fils de Dieu, Sir Brandiles, Sir
Aglovale -- mdash; "

   "Oh, you tear out my heartstrings."

   " -- mdash; wait, I'm not done yet -- mdash; Sir Tor, Sir Gauter, Sir
Gillimer -- mdash; "

   "The very best man in my subordinate nine. What a handy right-fielder he
was!"

   " -- mdash; Sir Reynold's three brothers, Sir Damus, Sir Priamus, Sir
Kay the Stranger -- mdash; "

   "My peerless short-stop! I've seen him catch a daisy-cutter in his
teeth. Come, I can't stand this!"
                                  [Image]

                                Sir Mordred

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 399

   " -- mdash; Sir Driant, Sir Lambegus, Sir Herminde, Sir Pertilope, Sir
Perimones, and -- mdash; whom do you think?"

   "Rush! Go on."

   "Sir Gaheris, and Sir Gareth -- mdash; both!"

   "Oh, incredible! Their love for Launcelot was indestructible."

   "Well, it was an accident. They were simply onlookers; they were
unarmed, and were merely there to witness the queen's punishment. Sir
Launcelot smote down whoever came in the way of his blind fury, and he
killed these without noticing who they were. Here is an instantaneous
photograph one of our boys got of the battle; it's for sale on every
news-stand. There -- mdash; the figures nearest the queen are Sir Launcelot
with his sword up, and Sir Gareth gasping his latest breath. You can catch
the agony in the queen's face through the curling smoke. It's a rattling
battle-picture."

   "Indeed, it is. We must take good care of it; its historical value is
incalculable. Go on."

   "Well, the rest of the tale is just war, pure and simple. Launcelot
retreated to his town and castle of Joyous Gard, and gathered there a great
following of knights. The king, with a great host, went there, and there
was desperate fighting during several days, and, as a result, all the plain
around was paved with corpses and cast-iron. Then the Church patched up a
peace between Arthur and Launcelot and the queen and everybody -- mdash;
everybody but Sir Gawaine. He was bitter about the slaying of his brothers,
Gareth and Gaheris, and would not be appeased. He notified Launcelot to get
him thence, and make swift preparation, and look to be soon attacked. So
Launcelot sailed to his Duchy of Guienne with his following, and Gawaine
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 340

soon followed with an army, and he beguiled Arthur to go with him. Arthur
left the kingdom in Sir Mordred's hands until you should return -- mdash; "

   "Ah -- mdash; a king's customary wisdom!"

   "Yes. Sir Mordred set himself at once to work to make his kingship
permanent. He was going to marry Guenever, as a first move; but she fled
and shut herself up in the Tower of London. Mordred attacked; the Bishop of
Canterbury dropped down on him with the Interdict. The king returned;
Mordred fought him at Dover, at Canterbury, and again at Barham Down. Then
there was talk of peace and a composition. Terms, Mordred to have Cornwall
and Kent during Arthur's life, and the whole kingdom afterward."

   "Well, upon my word! My dream of a republic to be a dream, and so
remain."

   "Yes. The two armies lay near Salisbury. Gawaine -- mdash; Gawaine's
head is at Dover Castle, he fell in the fight there -- mdash; Gawaine
appeared to Arthur in a dream, at least his ghost did, and warned him to
refrain from conflict for a month, let the delay cost what it might. But
battle was precipitated by an accident. Arthur had given order that if a
sword was raised during the consultation over the proposed treaty with
Mordred, sound the trumpet and fall on! for he had no confidence in
Mordred. Mordred had given a similar order to his people. Well, by and by
an adder bit a knight's heel; the knight forgot all about the order, and
made a slash at the adder with his sword. Inside of half a minute those two
prodigious hosts came together with a crash! They butchered away all day.
Then the king -- mdash; however, we have started something fresh since you
left -- mdash; our paper has."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 401

   "No? What is that?"

   "War correspondence!"

   "Why, that's good."

   "Yes, the paper was booming right along, for the Interdict made no
impression, got no grip, while the war lasted. I had war correspondents
with both armies. I will finish that battle by reading you what one of the
boys says:

   Then the king looked about him, and then was he ware of all his host and
of all his good knights were left no more on live but two knights, that was
Sir Lucan de Butlere, and his brother Sir Bedivere: and they were full sore
wounded. Jesu mercy, said the king, where are all my noble knights becomen?
Alas that ever I should see this doleful day. For now, said Arthur, I am
come to mine end. But would to God that I wist where were that traitor Sir
Mordred, that hath caused all this mischief. Then was King Arthur ware
where Sir Mordred leaned upon his sword among a great heap of dead men. Now
give me my spear, said Arthur unto Sir Lucan, for yonder I have espied the
traitor that all this woe hath wrought. Sir, let him be, said Sir Lucan,
for he is unhappy; and if ye pass this unhappy day, ye shall be right well
revenged upon him. Good lord, remember ye of your night's dream, and what
the spirit of Sir Gawaine told you this night, yet God of his great
goodness hath preserved you hitherto. Therefore, for God's sake, my lord,
leave off by this. For blessed be God ye have won the field: for here we be
three on live, and with Sir Mordred is none on live. And if ye leave off
now, this wicked day of destiny is past. Tide me death, betide me life,
saith the king, now I see him yonder alone, he shall never escape mine
hands, for at a better avail shall I never have him. God speed you well,
said Sir Bedivere. Then the king gat his spear in both his hands, and ran
toward Sir Mordred crying, Traitor, now is thy death day come. And when Sir
Mordred heard Sir Arthur, he ran until him with his sword drawn in his
hand. And then King Arthur smote Sir Mordred under the shield, with a foin
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 402

of his spear throughout the body more than a fathom. And when Sir Mordred
felt that he had his death's wound, he thrust himself, with the might that
he had, up to the butt of King Arthur's spear. And right so he smote his
father Arthur with his sword holden in both his hands, on the side of the
head, that the sword pierced the helmet and the brain-pan, and therewithal
Sir Mordred fell stark dead to the earth. And the noble Arthur fell in a
swoon to the earth, and there he swooned oft-times

   "That is a good piece of war correspondence, Clarence; you are a
first-rate newspaper man. Well -- mdash; is the king all right?" Did he get
well?"

   "Poor soul, no. He is dead."

   I was utterly stunned; it had not seemed to me that any wound could be
mortal to him.

   "And the queen, Clarence?"

   "She is a nun, in Almesbury."

   "What changes! and in such a short while. It is inconceivable. What
next, I wonder?"

   "I can tell you what next."

   "Well?"

   "Stake our lives and stand by them!"

   "What do you mean by that?"

   "The Church is master now. The Interdict included you with Mordred; it
is not to be removed while you remain alive. The clans are gathering. The
Church has gathered all the knights that are left alive, and as soon as you
are discovered we shall have business on our hands."

   "Stuff! With our deadly scientific war-material; with our hosts of
trained -- mdash; "

   "Save your breath -- mdash; we haven't sixty faithful left!"
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 403

   "What are you saying? Our schools, our colleges, our vast workshops, our
-- mdash; "

   "When those knights come, those establishments will empty themselves and
go over to the enemy. Did you think you had educated the superstition out
of those people?"

   "I certainly did think it."

   "Well, then, you may unthink it. They stood every strain easily --
mdash; until the Interdict. Since then, they merely put on a bold outside
-- mdash; at heart they are quaking. Make up your mind to it -- mdash; when
the armies come, the mask will fall."

   "It's hard news. We are lost. They will turn our own science against
us."

   "No they won't."

   "Why?"

   "Because I and a handful of the faithful have blocked that game. I'll
tell you what I've done, and what moved me to it. Smart as you are, the
Church was smarter. It was the Church that sent you cruising -- mdash;
through her servants, the doctors."

   "Clarence!"

   "It is the truth. I know it. Every officer of your ship was the Church's
picked servant, and so was every man of the crew."

   "Oh, come!"

   "It is just as I tell you. I did not find out these things at once, but
I found them out finally. Did you send me verbal information, by the
commander of the ship, to the effect that upon his return to you, with
supplies, you were going to leave Cadiz -- mdash; "

   "Cadiz! I haven't been at Cadiz at all!"

   " -- mdash; going to leave Cadiz and cruise in distant seas
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 404

indefinitely, for the health of your family? Did you send me that word?"

   "Of course not. I would have written, wouldn't I?"

   "Naturally. I was troubled and suspicious. When the commander sailed
again I managed to ship a spy with him. I have never heard of vessel or spy
since. I gave myself two weeks to hear from you in. Then I resolved to send
a ship to Cadiz. There was a reason why I didn't."

   "What was that?"

   "Our navy had suddenly and mysteriously disappeared! Also, as suddenly
and as mysteriously, the railway and telegraph and telephone service
ceased, the men all deserted, poles were cut down, the Church laid a ban
upon the electric light! I had to be up and doing -- mdash; and straight
off. Your life was safe -- mdash; nobody in these kingdoms but Merlin would
venture to touch such a magician as you without ten thousand men at his
back -- mdash; I had nothing to think of but how to put preparations in the
best trim against your coming. I felt safe myself -- mdash; nobody would be
anxious to touch a pet of yours. So this is what I did. From our various
works I selected all the men -- mdash; boys I mean -- mdash; whose
faithfulness under whatsoever pressure I could swear to, and I called them
together secretly and gave them their instructions. There are fifty-two of
them; none younger than fourteen, and none above seventeen years old."

   "Why did you select boys?"

   "Because all the others were born in an atmosphere of superstition and
reared in it. It is in their blood and bones. We imagined we had educated
it out of
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 405

them; they thought so, too; the Interdict woke them up like a thunderclap!
It revealed them to themselves, and it revealed them to me, too. With boys
it was different. Such as have been under our training from seven to ten
years have had no acquaintance with the Church's terrors, and it was among
these that I found my fifty-two. As a next move, I paid a private visit to
that old cave of Merlin's -- mdash; not the small one -- mdash; the big one
-- mdash; "

   "Yes, the one where we secretly established our first great electric
plant when I was projecting a miracle."

   "Just so. And as that miracle hadn't become necessary then, I thought it
might be a good idea to utilize the plant now. I've provisioned the cave
for a siege -- mdash; "

   "A good idea, a first-rate idea."

   "I think so. I placed four of my boys there as a guard -- mdash; inside,
and out of sight. Nobody was to be hurt -- mdash; while outside; but any
attempt to enter -- mdash; well, we said just let anybody try it! Then I
went out into the hills and uncovered and cut the secret wires which
connected your bedroom with the wires that go to the dynamite deposits
under all our vast factories, mills, workshops, magazines, etc., and about
midnight I and my boys turned out and connected that wire with the cave,
and nobody but you and I suspects where the other end of it goes to. We
laid it under ground, of course, and it was all finished in a couple of
hours or so. We sha'n't have to leave our fortress now when we want to blow
up our civilization."

   "It was the right move -- mdash; and the natural one; military
necessity, in the changed condition of things.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 406

Well, what changes have come! We expected to be besieged in the palace some
time or other, but -- mdash; however, go on."

   "Next, we built a wire fence."

   "Wire fence?"

   "Yes. You dropped the hint of it yourself, two or three years ago."

   "Oh, I remember -- mdash; the time the Church tried her strength against
us the first time, and presently thought it wise to wait for a hopefuler
season. Well, how have you arranged the fence?"

   "I start twelve immensely strong wires -- mdash; naked, not insulated --
mdash; from a big dynamo in the cave -- mdash; dynamo with no brushes
except a positive and a negative one -- mdash; "

   "Yes, that's right."

   "The wires go out from the cave and fence in a circle of level ground a
hundred yards in diameter; they make twelve independent fences, ten feet
apart -- mdash; that is to say, twelve circles within circles -- mdash; and
their ends come into the cave again."

   "Right; go on."

   "The fences are fastened to heavy oaken posts only three feet apart, and
these posts are sunk five feet in the ground."

   "That is good and strong."

   "Yes. The wires have no ground-connection outside of the cave. They go
out from the positive brush of the dynamo; there is a ground-connection
through the negative brush; the other ends of the wire return to the cave,
and each is grounded independently."

   "No-no, that won't do!"
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 407

   "Why?"

   "It's too expensive -- mdash; uses up force for nothing. You don't want
any ground-connection except the one through the negative brush. The other
end of every wire must be brought back into the cave and fastened
independently, and without any ground-connection. Now, then, observe the
economy of it. A cavalry charge hurls itself against the fence; you are
using no power, you are spending no money, for there is only one
ground-connection till those horses come against the wire; the moment they
touch it they form a connection with the negative brush through the ground,
and drop dead. Don't you see? -- mdash; you are using no energy until it is
needed; your lightning is there, and ready, like the load in a gun; but it
isn't costing you a cent till you touch it off. Oh, yes, the single
ground-connection -- mdash; "

   "Of course! I don't know how I overlooked that. It's not only cheaper,
but it's more effectual than the other way, for if wires break or get
tangled, no harm is done.

   "No, especially if we have a tell-tale in the cave and disconnect the
broken wire. Well, go on. The gatlings?"

   "Yes -- mdash; that's arranged. In the center of the inner circle, on a
spacious platform six feet high, I've grouped a battery of thirteen gatling
guns, and provided plenty of ammunition."

   "That's it. They command every approach, and when the Church's knights
arrive, there's going to be music. The brow of the precipice over the cave
-- mdash; "

   "I've got a wire fence there, and a gatling. They won't drop any rocks
down on us."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 408

   "Well, and the glass-cylinder dynamite torpedoes?"

   "That's attended to. It's the prettiest garden that was ever planted.
It's a belt forty feet wide, and goes around the outer fence -- mdash;
distance between it and the fence one hundred yards -- mdash; kind of
neutral ground that space is. There isn't a single square yard of that
whole belt but is equipped with a torpedo. We laid them on the surface of
the ground, and sprinkled a layer of sand over them. It's an innocent
looking garden, but you let a man start in to hoe it once, and you'll see."

   "You tested the torpedoes?"

   "Well, I was going to, but -- mdash; "

   "But what? Why, it's an immense oversight not to apply a -- mdash; "

   "Test? Yes, I know; but they're all right; I laid a few in the public
road beyond our lines and they've been tested."

   "Oh, that alters the case. Who did it?"

   "A Church committee."

   "How kind!"

   "Yes. They came to command us to make submission. You see they didn't
really come to test the torpedoes; that was merely an incident."

   "Did the committee make a report?"

   "Yes, they made one. You could have heard it a mile."

   "Unanimous?"

   "That was the nature of it. After that I put up some signs, for the
protection of future committees, and we have had no intruders since."

   "Clarence, you've done a world of work, and done it perfectly."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 409

   "We had plenty of time for it; there wasn't any occasion for hurry."

   We sat silent awhile, thinking. Then my mind was made up, and I said:

   "Yes, everything is ready; everything is shipshape, no detail is
wanting. I know what to do now."

   "So do I; sit down and wait."

   "No, sir! rise up and strike!"

   "Do you mean it?"

   "Yes, indeed! The defensive isn't in my line, and the offensive is. That
is, when I hold a fair hand -- mdash; two-thirds as good a hand as the
enemy. Oh, yes, we'll rise up and strike; that's our game."

   " A hundred to one you are right. When does the performance begin?"

   "now! We'll proclaim the Republic."

   "Well, that will precipitate things, sure enough!"

   "It will make them buzz, I tell you! England will be a hornets' nest
before noon to-morrow, if the Church's hand hasn't lost its cunning --
mdash; and we know it hasn't. Now you write and I'll dictate thus:

   "PROCLAMATION
-- -- -
"BE IT KNOWN UNTO ALL. Whereas the king having died and left no heir, it
becomes my duty to continue the executive authority vested in me, until a
government shall have been created and set in motion. The monarchy has
lapsed, it no longer exists. By consequence, all political power has
reverted to its original source, the people of the nation. With the
monarchy, its several adjuncts died also; wherefore there is no longer a
nobility, no longer a privileged class, no longer an Established Church;
all men are become exactly equal; they are upon one common level, and
religion is free.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 410

A republic is hereby proclaimed, as being the natural estate of a nation
when other authority has ceased. It is the duty of the British people to
meet together immediately, and by their votes elect representatives and
deliver into their hands the government."

   I signed it "The Boss," and dated it from Merlin's Cave. Clarence said
-- mdash;

   "Why, that tells where we are, and invites them to call right away."

   "That is the idea. We strike -- mdash; by the Proclamation -- mdash;
then it's their innings. Now have the thing set up and printed and posted,
right off; that is, give the order; then, if you've got a couple of
bicycles handy at the foot of the hill, ho for Merlin's Cave!"

   "I shall be ready in ten minutes. What a cyclone there is going to be
to-morrow when this piece of paper gets to work!...... It's a pleasant old
palace, this is; I wonder if we shall ever again -- mdash; but never mind
about that."

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 411

                                 Chapter 43

                        THE BATTLE OF THE SAND BELT

   IN Merlin's Cave -- mdash; Clarence and I and fifty-two fresh, bright,
well-educated, clean-minded young British boys. At dawn I sent an order to
the factories and to all our great works to stop operations and remove all
life to a safe distance, as everything was going to be blown up by secret
mines, "and no telling at what moment -- mdash; therefore, vacate at once."
These people knew me, and had confidence in my word. They would clear out
without waiting to part their hair, and I could take my own time about
dating the explosion. You couldn't hire one of them to go back during the
century, if the explosion was still impending.

   We had a week of waiting. It was not dull for me, because I was writing
all the time. During the first three days, I finished turning my old diary
into this narrative form; it only required a chapter or so to bring it down
to date. The rest of the week I took up in writing letters to my wife. It
was always my habit to write to Sandy every day, whenever we were separate,
and now I kept up the habit for love of it, and of her, though I couldn't
do anything with the letters, of course, after I had written them. But it
put in the time, you see, and was almost like talking; it was almost as if
I was saying, "Sandy, if you and
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 412

Hello-Central were here in the cave, instead of only your photographs, what
good times we could have!" And then, you know, I could imagine the baby
goo-gooing something out in reply, with its fists in its mouth and itself
stretched across its mother's lap on its back, and she a-laughing and
admiring and worshiping, and now and then tickling under the baby's chin to
set it cackling, and then maybe throwing in a word of answer to me herself
-- mdash; and so on and so on -- mdash; well, don't you know, I could sit
there in the cave with my pen, and keep it up, that way, by the hour with
them. Why, it was almost like having us all together again.

   I had spies out every night, of course, to get news. Every report made
things look more and more impressive. The hosts were gathering, gathering;
down all the roads and paths of England the knights were riding, and
priests rode with them, to hearten these original Crusaders, this being the
Church's war. All the nobilities, big and little, were on their way, and
all the gentry. This was all as was expected. We should thin out this sort
of folk to such a degree that the people would have nothing to do but just
step to the front with their republic and -- mdash;

   Ah, what a donkey I was! Toward the end of the week I began to get this
large and disenchanting fact through my head: that the mass of the nation
had swung their caps and shouted for the republic for about one day, and
there an end! The Church, the nobles, and the gentry then turned one grand,
all-disapproving frown upon them and shriveled them into sheep! From that
moment the sheep had begun to gather to the fold -- mdash; that is to say,
the camps -- mdash; and
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 413

offer their valueless lives and their valuable wool to the "righteous
cause." Why, even the very men who had lately been slaves were in the
"righteous cause," and glorifying it, praying for it, sentimentally
slabbering over it, just like all the other commoners. Imagine such human
muck as this; conceive of this folly!

   Yes, it was now "Death to the Republic!" everywhere -- mdash; not a
dissenting voice. All England was marching against us! Truly, this was more
than I had bargained for.

   I watched my fifty-two boys narrowly; watched their faces, their walk,
their unconscious attitudes: for all these are a language -- mdash; a
language given us purposely that it may betray us in times of emergency,
when we have secrets which we want to keep. I knew that that thought would
keep saying itself over and over again in their minds and hearts, all
england is marching against us! and ever more strenuously imploring
attention with each repetition, ever more sharply realizing itself to their
imaginations, until even in their sleep they would find no rest from it,
but hear the vague and flitting creatures of the dreams say, All England --
mdash; ALL ENGLAND! -- mdash; is marching against you! I knew all this
would happen; I knew that ultimately the pressure would become so great
that it would compel utterance; therefore, I must be ready with an answer
at that time -- mdash; an answer well chosen and tranquilizing.

   I was right. The time came. They had to speak. Poor lads, it was pitiful
to see, they were so pale, so worn, so troubled. At first their spokesman
could hardly find voice or words; but he presently got both.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 414

This is what he said -- mdash; and he put it in the neat modern English
taught him in my schools:

   "We have tried to forget what we are -- mdash; English boys! We have
tried to put reason before sentiment, duty before love; our minds approve,
but our hearts reproach us. While apparently it was only the nobility, only
the gentry, only the twenty-five or thirty thousand knights left alive out
of the late wars, we were of one mind, and undisturbed by any troubling
doubt; each and every one of these fifty-two lads who stand here before
you, said, 'They have chosen -- mdash; it is their affair.' But think! --
mdash; the matter is altered -- mdash; all England is marching against us!
Oh, sir, consider! -- mdash; reflect! -- mdash; these people are our
people, they are bone of our bone, flesh of our flesh, we love them --
mdash; do not ask us to destroy our nation!"

   Well, it shows the value of looking ahead, and being ready for a thing
when it happens. If I hadn't foreseen this thing and been fixed, that boy
would have had me! -- mdash; I couldn't have said a word. But I was fixed.
I said:

   "My boys, your hearts are in the right place, you have thought the
worthy thought, you have done the worthy thing. You are English boys, you
will remain English boys, and you will keep that name unsmirched. Give
yourselves no further concern, let your minds be at peace. Consider this:
while all England is marching against us, who is in the van? Who, by the
commonest rules of war, will march in the front? Answer me."

   "The mounted host of mailed knights."

   "True. They are 30,000 strong. Acres deep they will march. Now, observe:
none but they will ever
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 415

strike the sand-belt! Then there will be an episode! Immediately after, the
civilian multitude in the rear will retire, to meet business engagements
elsewhere. None but nobles and gentry are knights, and none but these will
remain to dance to our music after that episode. It is absolutely true that
we shall have to fight nobody but these thirty thousand knights. Now speak,
and it shall be as you decide. Shall we avoid the battle, retire from the
field?"

   "NO!!!"

   The shout was unanimous and hearty.

   "Are you -- mdash; are you -- mdash; well, afraid of these thirty
thousand knights?"

   That joke brought out a good laugh, the boys' troubles vanished away,
and they went gaily to their posts. Ah, they were a darling fifty-two! As
pretty as girls, too.

   I was ready for the enemy now. Let the approaching big day come along --
mdash; it would find us on deck.

   The big day arrived on time. At dawn the sentry on watch in the corral
came into the cave and reported a moving black mass under the horizon, and
a faint sound which he thought to be military music. Breakfast was just
ready; we sat down and ate it.

   This over, I made the boys a little speech, and then sent out a detail
to man the battery, with Clarence in command of it.

   The sun rose presently and sent its unobstructed splendors over the
land, and we saw a prodigious host moving slowly toward us, with the steady
drift and aligned front of a wave of the sea. Nearer and nearer it came,
and more and more sublimely imposing became
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 416

its aspect; yes, all England was there, apparently. Soon we could see the
innumerable banners fluttering, and then the sun struck the sea of armor
and set it all aflash. Yes, it was a fine sight; I hadn't ever seen
anything to beat it.

   At last we could make out details. All the front ranks, no telling how
many acres deep, were horsemen -- mdash; plumed knights in armor. Suddenly
we heard the blare of trumpets; the slow walk burst into a gallop, and then
-- mdash; well, it was wonderful to see! Down swept that vast horse-shoe
wave -- mdash; it approached the sand-belt -- mdash; my breath stood still;
nearer, nearer -- mdash; the strip of green turf beyond the yellow belt
grew narrow -- mdash; narrower still -- mdash; became a mere ribbon in
front of the horses -- mdash; then disappeared under their hoofs. Great
Scott! Why, the whole front of that host shot into the sky with a
thunder-crash, and became a whirling tempest of rags and fragments; and
along the ground lay a thick wall of smoke that hid what was left of the
multitude from our sight.

   Time for the second step in the plan of campaign! I touched a button,
and shook the bones of England loose from her spine!

   In that explosion all our noble civilization-factories went up in the
air and disappeared from the earth. It was a pity, but it was necessary. We
could not afford to let the enemy turn our own weapons against us.

   Now ensued one of the dullest quarter-hours I had ever endured. We
waited in a silent solitude enclosed by our circles of wire, and by a
circle of heavy smoke outside of these. We couldn't see over the wall of
smoke, and we couldn't see through it. But at last
                                  [Image]

           The Sun struck the sea of armor and set it all aflash

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 417

it began to shred away lazily, and by the end of another quarter-hour the
land was clear and our curiosity was enabled to satisfy itself. No living
creature was in sight! We now perceived that additions had been made to our
defenses. The dynamite had dug a ditch more than a hundred feet wide, all
around us, and cast up an embankment some twenty-five feet high on both
borders of it. As to destruction of life, it was amazing. Moreover, it was
beyond estimate. Of course, we could not count the dead, because they did
not exist as individuals, but merely as homogeneous protoplasm, with alloys
of iron and buttons.

   No life was in sight, but necessarily there must have been some wounded
in the rear ranks, who were carried off the field under cover of the wall
of smoke; there would be sickness among the others -- mdash; there always
is, after an episode like that. But there would be no reinforcements; this
was the last stand of the chivalry of England; it was all that was left of
the order, after the recent annihilating wars. So I felt quite safe in
believing that the utmost force that could for the future be brought
against us would be but small; that is, of knights. I therefore issued a
congratulatory proclamation to my army in these words:

   SOLDIERS, CHAMPIONS OF HUMAN LIBERTY AND EQUALITY: Your General
congratulates you! In the pride of his strength and the vanity of his
renown, an arrogant enemy came against you. You were ready. The conflict
was brief; on your side, glorious. This mighty victory, having been
achieved utterly without loss, stands without example in history. So long
as the planets shall continue to move in their orbits, the BATTLE OF THE
SAND-BELT will not perish out of the memories of men. THE BOSS.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 418

   I read it well, and the applause I got was very gratifying to me. I then
wound up with these remarks:

   "The war with the English nation, as a nation, is at an end. The nation
has retired from the field and the war. Before it can be persuaded to
return, war will have ceased. This campaign is the only one that is going
to be fought. It will be brief -- mdash; the briefest in history. Also the
most destructive to life, considered from the standpoint of proportion of
casualties to numbers engaged. We are done with the nation; henceforth we
deal only with the knights. English knights can be killed, but they cannot
be conquered. We know what is before us. While one of these men remains
alive, our task is not finished, the war is not ended. We will kill them
all." [Loud and long continued applause.]

   I picketed the great embankments thrown up around our lines by the
dynamite explosion -- mdash; merely a lookout of a couple of boys to
announce the enemy when he should appear again.

   Next, I sent an engineer and forty men to a point just beyond our lines
on the south, to turn a mountain brook that was there, and bring it within
our lines and under our command, arranging it in such a way that I could
make instant use of it in an emergency. The forty men were divided into two
shifts of twenty each, and were to relieve each other every two hours. In
ten hours the work was accomplished.

   It was nightfall now, and I withdrew my pickets. The one who had had the
northern outlook reported a camp in sight, but visible with the glass only.
He also reported that a few knights had been feeling
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 419

their way toward us, and had driven some cattle across our lines, but that
the knights themselves had not come very near. That was what I had been
expecting. They were feeling us, you see; they wanted to know if we were
going to play that red terror on them again. They would grow bolder in the
night, perhaps. I believed I knew what project they would attempt, because
it was plainly the thing I would attempt myself if I were in their places
and as ignorant as they were. I mentioned it to Clarence.

   "I think you are right," said he; "it is the obvious thing for them to
try."

   "Well, then," I said, "if they do it they are doomed.

   "Certainly."

   They won't have the slightest show in the world."

   "Of course they won't."

   "It's dreadful, Clarence. It seems an awful pity."

   The thing disturbed me so that I couldn't get any peace of mind for
thinking of it and worrying over it. So, at last, to quiet my conscience, I
framed this message to the knights:

   TO THE HONORABLE THE COMMANDER OF THE INSURGENT CHIVALRY OF ENGLAND: You
fight in vain. We know your strength -- mdash; if one may call it by that
name. We know that at the utmost you cannot bring against us above five and
twenty thousand knights. Therefore, you have no chance -- mdash; none
whatever. Reflect: we are well equipped, well fortified, we number 54.
Fifty-four what? Men? No, minds -- mdash; the capablest in the world; a
force against which mere animal might may no more hope to prevail than may
the idle waves of the sea hope to prevail against the granite barriers of
England. Be advised. We offer you your lives; for the sake of your
families,
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 420

do not reject the gift. We offer you this chance, and it is the last: throw
down your arms; surrender unconditionally to the Republic, and all will be
forgiven. (Signed). THE BOSS.

   I read it to Clarence, and said I proposed to send it by a flag of
truce. He laughed the sarcastic laugh he was born with, and said:

   "Somehow it seems impossible for you to ever fully realize what these
nobilities are. Now let us save a little time and trouble. Consider me the
commander of the knights yonder. Now, then, you are the flag of truce;
approach and deliver me your message, and I will give you your answer."

   I humored the idea. I came forward under an imaginary guard of the
enemy's soldiers, produced my paper, and read it through. For answer,
Clarence struck the paper out of my hand, pursed up a scornful lip and said
with lofty disdain:

   "Dismember me this animal, and return him in a basket to the base-born
knave who sent him; other answer have I none!"

   How empty is theory in presence of fact! And this was just fact, and
nothing else. It was the thing that would have happened, there was no
getting around that. I tore up the paper and granted my mistimed
sentimentalities a permanent rest.

   Then, to business. I tested the electric signals from the gatling
platform to the cave, and made sure that they were all right; I tested and
retested those which commanded the fences -- mdash; these were signals
whereby I could break and renew the electric current in each fence
independently of the others at will. I placed the brook-connection under
the guard and
                                  [Image]

                                High church

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 421

authority of three of my best boys, who would alternate in two-hour watches
all night and promptly obey my signal, if I should have occasion to give it
-- mdash; three revolver-shots in quick succession. Sentry-duty was
discarded for the night, and the corral left empty of life; I ordered that
quiet be maintained in the cave, and the electric lights turned down to a
glimmer.

   As soon as it was good and dark, I shut off the current from all the
fences, and then groped my way out to the embankment bordering our side of
the great dynamite ditch. I crept to the top of it and lay there on the
slant of the muck to watch. But it was too dark to see anything. As for
sounds, there were none. The stillness was deathlike. True, there were the
usual night-sounds of the country -- mdash; the whir of night-birds, the
buzzing of insects, the barking of distant dogs, the mellow lowing of
far-off kine -- mdash; but these didn't seem to break the stillness, they
only intensified it, and added a grewsome melancholy to it into the
bargain.

   I presently gave up looking, the night shut down so black, but I kept my
ears strained to catch the least suspicious sound, for I judged I had only
to wait, and I shouldn't be disappointed. However, I had to wait a long
time. At last I caught what you may call in distinct glimpses of
sound╤dulled metallic sound. I pricked up my ears, then, and held my
breath, for this was the sort of thing I had been waiting for. This sound
thickened, and approached -- mdash; from toward the north. Presently, I
heard it at my own level -- mdash; the ridge-top of the opposite
embankment, a hundred feet or more away. Then I seemed to see a row of
black dots appear along that ridge -- mdash; human heads? I
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 422

couldn't tell; it mightn't be anything at all; you can't depend on your
eyes when your imagination is out of focus. However, the question was soon
settled. I heard that metallic noise descending into the great ditch. It
augmented fast, it spread all along, and it unmistakably furnished me this
fact: an armed host was taking up its quarters in the ditch. Yes, these
people were arranging a little surprise party for us. We could expect
entertainment about dawn, possibly earlier.

   I groped my way back to the corral now; I had seen enough. I went to the
platform and signaled to turn the current on to the two inner fences. Then
I went into the cave, and found everything satisfactory there -- mdash;
nobody awake but the working-watch. I woke Clarence and told him the great
ditch was filling up with men, and that I believed all the knights were
coming for us in a body. It was my notion that as soon as dawn approached
we could expect the ditch's ambuscaded thousands to swarm up over the
embankment and make an assault, and be followed immediately by the rest of
their army.

   Clarence said:

   "They will be wanting to send a scout or two in the dark to make
preliminary observations. Why not take the lightning off the outer fences,
and give them a chance?"

   "I've already done it, Clarence. Did you ever know me to be
inhospitable?"

   "No, you are a good heart. I want to go and -- mdash; "

   "Be a reception committee? I will go, too."

   We crossed the corral and lay down together between the two inside
fences. Even the dim light of
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 423

the cave had disordered our eyesight somewhat, but the focus straightway
began to regulate itself and soon it was adjusted for present
circumstances. We had had to feel our way before, but we could make out to
see the fence posts now. We started a whispered conversation, but suddenly
Clarence broke off and said:

   "What is that?"

   "What is what?"

   "That thing yonder."

   "What thing -- mdash; where?"

   "There beyond you a little piece -- mdash; dark something -- mdash; a
dull shape of some kind -- mdash; against the second fence."

   I gazed and he gazed. I said:

   "Could it be a man, Clarence?"

   "No, I think not. If you notice, it looks a lit -- mdash; why, it is a
man! -- mdash; leaning on the fence."

   "I certainly believe it is; let us go and see."

   We crept along on our hands and knees until we were pretty close, and
then looked up. Yes, it was a man -- mdash; a dim great figure in armor,
standing erect, with both hands on the upper wire -- mdash; and, of course,
there was a smell of burning flesh. Poor fellow, dead as a door-nail, and
never knew what hurt him. He stood there like a statue -- mdash; no motion
about him, except that his plumes swished about a little in the night wind.
We rose up and looked in through the bars of his visor, but couldn't make
out whether we knew him or not -- mdash; features too dim and shadowed.

   We heard muffled sounds approaching, and we sank down to the ground
where we were. We made out another knight vaguely; he was coming very
stealthily,
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 424

and feeling his way. He was near enough now for us to see him put out a
hand, find an upper wire, then bend and step under it and over the lower
one. Now he arrived at the first knight -- mdash; and started slightly when
he discovered him. He stood a moment -- mdash; no doubt wondering why the
other one didn't move on; then he said, in a low voice, "Why dreamest thou
here, good Sir Mar -- mdash; " then he laid his hand on the corpse's
shoulder -- mdash; and just uttered a little soft moan and sunk down dead.
Killed by a dead man, you see -- mdash; killed by a dead friend, in fact.
There was something awful about it.

   These early birds came scattering along after each other, about one
every five minutes in our vicinity, during half an hour. They brought no
armor of offense but their swords; as a rule, they carried the sword ready
in the hand, and put it forward and found the wires with it. We would now
and then see a blue spark when the knight that caused it was so far away as
to be invisible to us; but we knew what had happened, all the same; poor
fellow, he had touched a charged wire with his sword and been elected. We
had brief intervals of grim stillness, interrupted with piteous regularity
by the clash made by the falling of an iron-clad; and this sort of thing
was going on, right along, and was very creepy there in the dark and
lonesomeness.

   We concluded to make a tour between the inner fences. We elected to walk
upright, for convenience's sake; we argued that if discerned, we should be
taken for friends rather than enemies, and in any case we should be out of
reach of swords, and these gentry did not seem to have any spears along.
Well, it was a
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 425

curious trip. Everywhere dead men were lying outside the second fence --
mdash; not plainly visible, but still visible; and we counted fifteen of
those pathetic statues -- mdash; dead knights standing with their hands on
the upper wire.

   One thing seemed to be sufficiently demonstrated: our current was so
tremendous that it killed before the victim could cry out. Pretty soon we
detected a muffled and heavy sound, and next moment we guessed what it was.
It was a surprise in force coming! whispered Clarence to go and wake the
army, and notify it to wait in silence in the cave for further orders. He
was soon back, and we stood by the inner fence and watched the silent
lightning do its awful work upon that swarming host. One could make out but
little of detail; but he could note that a black mass was piling itself up
beyond the second fence. That swelling bulk was dead men! Our camp was
enclosed with a solid wall of the dead -- mdash; a bulwark, a breastwork,
of corpses, you may say. One terrible thing about this thing was the
absence of human voices; there were no cheers, no war cries; being intent
upon a surprise, these men moved as noiselessly as they could; and always
when the front rank was near enough to their goal to make it proper for
them to begin to get a shout ready, of course they struck the fatal line
and went down without testifying.

   I sent a current through the third fence now; and almost immediately
through the fourth and fifth, so quickly were the gaps filled up. I
believed the time was come now for my climax; I believed that that whole
army was in our trap. Anyway, it was high
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 426

time to find out. So I touched a button and set fifty electric suns aflame
on the top of our precipice.

   Land, what a sight! We were enclosed in three walls of dead men! All the
other fences were pretty nearly filled with the living, who were stealthily
working their way forward through the wires. The sudden glare paralyzed
this host, petrified them, you may say, with astonishment; there was just
one instant for me to utilize their immobility in, and I didn't lose the
chance. You see, in another instant they would have recovered their
faculties, then they'd have burst into a cheer and made a rush, and my
wires would have gone down before it; but that lost instant lost them their
opportunity forever; while even that slight fragment of time was still
unspent, I shot the current through all the fences and struck the whole
host dead in their tracks! There was a groan you could hear! It voiced the
death-pang of eleven thousand men. It swelled out on the night with awful
pathos.

   A glance showed that the rest of the enemy -- mdash; perhaps ten
thousand strong -- mdash; were between us and the encircling ditch, and
pressing forward to the assault. Consequently we had them all! and had them
past help. Time for the last act of the tragedy. I fired the three
appointed revolver shots -- mdash; which meant:

   "Turn on the water!"

   There was a sudden rush and roar, and in a minute the mountain brook was
raging through the big ditch and creating a river a hundred feet wide and
twenty-five deep.

   "Stand to your guns, men! Open fire!"

   The thirteen gatlings began to vomit death into the fated ten thousand.
They halted, they stood their
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 427

ground a moment against that withering deluge of fire, then they broke,
faced about and swept toward the ditch like chaff before a gale. A full
fourth part of their force never reached the top of the lofty embankment;
the three-fourths reached it and plunged over -- mdash; to death by
drowning.

   Within ten short minutes after we had opened fire, armed resistance was
totally annihilated, the campaign was ended, we fifty-four were masters of
England. Twenty-five thousand men lay dead around us.

   But how treacherous is fortune! In a little while -- mdash; say an hour
-- mdash; happened a thing, by my own fault, which -- mdash; but I have no
heart to write that. Let the record end here.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 428

                                 Chapter 44

                          A POSTSCRIPT BY CLARENCE

   I, CLARENCE, must write it for him. He proposed that we two go out and
see if any help could be accorded the wounded. I was strenuous against the
project. I said that if there were many, we could do but little for them;
and it would not be wise for us to trust ourselves among them, anyway. But
he could seldom be turned from a purpose once formed; so we shut off the
electric current from the fences, took an escort along, climbed over the
enclosing ramparts of dead knights, and moved out upon the field. The first
wounded mall who appealed for help was sitting with his back against a dead
comrade. When The Boss bent over him and spoke to him, the man recognized
him and stabbed him. That knight was Sir Meliagraunce, as I found out by
tearing off his helmet. He will not ask for help any more.

   We carried The Boss to the cave and gave his wound, which was not very
serious, the best care we could. In this service we had the help of Merlin,
though we did not know it. He was disguised as a woman, and appeared to be
a simple old peasant goodwife. In this disguise, with brown-stained face
and smooth shaven, he had appeared a few days after The Boss was hurt and
offered to cook for us, saying her
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 420

people had gone off to join certain new camps which the enemy were forming,
and that she was starving. The Boss had been getting along very well, and
had amused himself with finishing up his record.

   We were glad to have this woman, for we were short handed. We were in a
trap, you see -- mdash; a trap of our own making. If we stayed where we
were, our dead would kill us; if we moved out of our defenses, we should no
longer be invincible. We had conquered; in turn we were conquered. The Boss
recognized this; we all recognized it. If we could go to one of those new
camps and patch up some kind of terms with the enemy -- mdash; yes, but The
Boss could not go, and neither could I, for I was among the first that were
made sick by the poisonous air bred by those dead thousands. Others were
taken down, and still others. To-morrow -- mdash;

   to-morrow. It is here. And with it the end. About midnight I awoke, and
saw that hag making curious passes in the air about The Boss's head and
face, and wondered what it meant. Everybody but the dynamo-watch lay
steeped in sleep; there was no sound. The woman ceased from her mysterious
foolery, and started tip-toeing toward the door. I called out:

   "Stop! What have you been doing?"

   She halted, and said with an accent of malicious satisfaction:

   "Ye were conquerors; ye are conquered! These others are perishing --
mdash; you also. Ye shall all die in this place -- mdash; every one --
mdash; except him. He sleepeth now -- mdash; and shall sleep thirteen
centuries. I am Merlin!"
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 430

   Then such a delirium of silly laughter overtook him that he reeled about
like a drunken man, and presently fetched up against one of our wires. His
mouth is spread open yet; apparently he is still laughing. I suppose the
face will retain that petrified laugh until the corpse turns to dust.

   The Boss has never stirred -- mdash; sleeps like a stone. If he does not
wake to-day we shall understand what kind of a sleep it is, and his body
will then be borne to a place in one of the remote recesses of the cave
where none will ever find it to desecrate it. As for the rest of us --
mdash; well, it is agreed that if any one of us ever escapes alive from
this place, he will write the fact here, and loyally hide this Manuscript
with The Boss, our dear good chief, whose property it is, be he alive or
dead.

THE END OF THE MANUSCRIPT
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 431

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

                             FINAL P.S. BY M.T.

   THE dawn was come when I laid the Manuscript aside. The rain had almost
ceased, the world was gray and sad, the exhausted storm was sighing and
sobbing itself to rest. I went to the stranger's room, and listened at his
door, which was slightly ajar. I could hear his voice, and so I knocked.
There was no answer, but I still heard the voice. I peeped in. The man lay
on his back in bed, talking brokenly but with spirit, and punctuating with
his arms, which he thrashed about, restlessly, as sick people do in
delirium. I slipped in softly and bent over him. His mutterings and
ejaculations went on. I spoke -- mdash; merely a word, to call his
attention. His glassy eyes and his ashy face were alight in an instant with
pleasure, gratitude, gladness, welcome:

   "Oh, Sandy, you are come at last -- mdash; how I have longed for you!
Sit by me -- mdash; do not leave me -- mdash; never leave me again, Sandy,
never again. Where is your hand? -- mdash; give it me, dear, let me hold it
-- mdash; there -- mdash; now all is well, all is peace, and I am happy
again -- mdash; we are happy again, isn't it so, Sandy? You are so dim, so
vague, you are but a mist, a cloud, but you are here, and that is
blessedness sufficient; and I have your hand; don't take it away -- mdash;
it is for only a little while, I shall not require it long...... Was that
the child?..
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 432

.... Hello-Central!...... she doesn't answer. Asleep, perhaps? Bring her
when she wakes, and let me touch her hands, her face, her hair, and tell
her good-bye...... Sandy! Yes, you are there. I lost myself a moment, and I
thought you were gone...... Have I been sick long? It must be so; it seems
months to me. And such dreams! such strange and awful dreams, Sandy! Dreams
that were as real as reality -- mdash; delirium, of course, but so real!
Why, I thought the king was dead, I thought you were in Gaul and couldn't
get home, I thought there was a revolution; in the fantastic frenzy of
these dreams, I thought that Clarence and I and a handful of my cadets
fought and exterminated the whole chivalry of England! But even that was
not the strangest. I seemed to be a creature out of a remote unborn age,
centuries hence, and even that was as real as the rest! Yes, I seemed to
have flown back out of that age into this of ours, and then forward to it
again, and was set down, a stranger and forlorn in that strange England,
with an abyss of thirteen centuries yawning between me and you! between me
and my home and my friends! between me and all that is dear to me, all that
could make life worth the living! It was awful -- mdash; awfuler than you
can ever imagine, Sandy. Ah, watch by me, Sandy -- mdash; stay by me every
moment -- mdash; don't let me go out of my mind again; death is nothing,
let it come, but not with those dreams, not with the torture of those
hideous dreams -- mdash; I cannot endure that again...... Sandy?......"

   He lay muttering incoherently some little time; then for a time he lay
silent, and apparently sinking away toward death. Presently his fingers
began to
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 433

pick busily at the coverlet, and by that sign I knew that his end was at
hand with the first suggestion of the death-rattle in his throat he started
up slightly, and seemed to listen: then he said:

   "A bugle?...... It is the king! The drawbridge, there! Man the
battlements! -- mdash; turn out the -- mdash; "

   He was getting up his last "effect"; but he never finished it.

THE END
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------